Last night in Washington DC and I went to my first gay bar. What a dissapointment. I go and spend almost $60 on a new outfit and nothing. What that diid to myself esteem!! It was already low...and now it is even lower. I want to cry :-(

So many cute boys here at NASPA...and NO ONE talked to me.

F the world.

I leave for Washington DC in abou 3 hours for part of my Spring Break! (e:Ladycroft) and I as well as the other grads in our program are heading down for a 5-day conference. Should be good times :-)

I was woken up at 4:15am by the sound of two people having sex in the showers. My bedroom/bathroom are built behind the guys bathroom on the floor I live on. (I live in a Residence Hall at UB for those of you who don't know; I am the Assistant Hall Director). Yeah. . THAT was interesting.

The latest saga with my boyfriend continues. Here's the latest for those if you keeping score at home. Since I am leaving for DC as this is Spring Break for both UB and Canisius, I thought it might be nice to see Drew since i wont' see him for two weeks. Of course I got the whole "We can hang out for a bit but I will probably have plans with my friends". Of course. So I pick him up at 6. There are some errunds that I have to do to get ready for DC and he wanted to go to the Dollar Tree. Then we eat dinner at McDonalds. We get back to my apartment about 8 and he goes instatnly to my computer and starts to make his plans for the later part of the night. I'm like "how nice". We have limited time together ANYWAY and he uses our time together to make plans WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

So anyway, once he finished making his plans, we sit on the couch and watch a movie (part of it as it was almost over). I figured that since I wasn't going to see him for two weeks, we might well...you know. Nope. Bastard didn't even kiss me. I'm like WTF! So his friends call and somehow I get invited. Okay sure why not. I'm on duty. . . I have nothing else to do. We go to Friendly's and I am totally ignored for 2 hrs. Drew and his friends talk about theater crap and such...and I just sit there like a bafoon smiling and laughing at just the right moments. I never heard Drew talk so much.

These next two weeks I think are going to be used to rethink and re-evaluate things.

(WIKIPEDIA - typeHere)

So you might be asking what pray tell is the prize that someone might be winning. The prize is the attention of my boyfriend for the night. Yes, my boyfriend. And why do you ask is he up for a prize? Well, he put himself up on that pedestal himself. I am now playing the waiting game to see if there are any plans with his friends before he decides to hang out with me for the night.

Okay, so I know what you are thinking. . .if he plays games like this, why do I put up with it? Well the answer is simple! (Okay, maybe not so simple as I thought but its an answer! Yeah so what if it is REALLY fucked up). The answer is this, but beware tho it comes in three-fold

1.) I love him
2.) I don't think I could get anyone else to date me. You see, I have low self-esteem and have an extreamly negative outlook on myself. I know, I know that's not good. How can I love someone if I don't love myself. (Obviously you can tell that I have heard this ALL before). I just do. Whenever I look in the mirror, I get a disgusted look on my face and can't stand to look in it anymore. Not normal is it? I know. I just don't know how change my perception of myself.
3.) No other guy would be interested in a fat, ugly mess as myself.

That pretty much sums it up for the most part. Plus Drew has the first guy well, he was my first for a lot of things (but not ALL things).

That's my story and i'm sticking to it (as lousy as it is).

9:48pm and still waiting...i'll probably lose. He says that we will spend tomorrow together regardless. Well of course we will. . . he needs someone to take him to Wegmans. Well at least I am good for something.

I win by default. How special