While (e:jason) is extremely discouraged, sorry fellas and ladies - it only motivates me more! :)

Something dawned on me today - well, no... I suppose this is something that I've known subconsciously for a while but have had too many distractions to acknowledge properly. I'm a creative person at heart - I was a musician for many, many years. My days of participating in organized music making are over, but I've found other ways of getting "it" out of me. For a long time I began writing - I had all kinds of inspiration... politics, girls... you name it. I was so head over heels in love for a girl one day in the past that I went over to Spot, armed with music, pen and paper and rattled off a dozen poems. Nowadays, I can't even look at them. I will share one with you, though - I don't have any presumptions of skill at writing... I wrote purely for myself..

Thoughts from 30,000 Feet

Being amongst the clouds makes you think
And lends itself to reflection
Thoughts wander
Like shifting colors in a prizm

As I ride through the sky
I wonder; if today I were to die
Did I let you know?
Did I say what I wanted to say?
Was I clear?
Do I regret anything?
Did you know that you mean the world to me?

When its time to come home
There will be no doubts
Looking through my eyes
You will know
What lies within my heart.

I wrote a poem after 9/11 that was EXTREMELY left wing - I'd share it but none of you would actually believe that I wrote the words. I was inspired to write it because of two things - at the time I knew that 9/11 was going to be a turning point for us, and not for the better. The second thing was that when it happened I looked at my poor grandfather, who earned a Purple Heart during WWII. He was a member of the generation that likely saved the world - we take for granted things that people during his generation died for. I thought to myself, "What would my grandfather think about the ugly things my generation would have to sort out?" I never thought to ask him, and he died during the coming springtime. Would we find a way to come together, like my grandfathers generation did, or would we be torn apart forever? As a result, I wrote about it.

I miss terribly being able to express myself... its like I have a lack of outlets. Maybe its because I've had a lack of inspiration. Maybe thats why I value (e:paul)'s project here - I'm able to get some thoughts out of my head - anonymously if I choose to but I don't choose to because I have nothing to hide... although I'm a difficult person to get to know. Whatever you might think about me, I know that you know one thing - I'm a complicated individual. Maybe thats why its important for me to express myself - I can be bad at offering more than whats at face value, and there are times where simple conversations will never grant the possibility for getting inside my head.

Want to know what inspired this journal entry? An Enya greatest hits album. New age music is my fathers thing, not mine... but I have to admit that Enya is a sexy lady.

I take back what I said about (e:ajay), and I apologize. Although, outside of issues like gay rights, etc. I pretty much disagree with everything the left thinks, I don't think that (e:ajay) was trying to be malicious to (e:jason). And, I don't actually want to punch him in the face - after bumping my gums with him yesterday he seems like a decent fellow and someone I wouldn't mind sharing a drink with (your own, sicko - I don't do the "two straws" thing). Was what he said stupid and ill-conceived? Sure. But so was my rant - two wrongs don't make a right. I broke one of my own rules, which is why I'm retracting what I wrote. However, (e:ajay) should still apologize to (e:jason) for being a jackass, and I don't mind saying that I don't understand the reasoning behind (e:ajay)'s sick fascination with continually picking on (e:jason). For all intensive purposes, he doesn't know him, and he looks foolish when he does it. P.S. Just because the Washington Post managed to dig up another Wesley Clark in the military doesn't mean that the military is fractured about the war... the opposite is true.

You have to understand something about me that would never come off in a journal - the only way you'd know this about me is by being my friend for a while. Or by reading my previous journal entry concerning what I did for my friend Mary. I'm intensely loyal to people I care about, and for principles that I hold close to my heart. If I witness somebody committing, shall we say, an unflattering transgression against a friend... I am the attack dog - and I won't lie to you, I LOVE the role. While being crude and rude isn't the most polite way of going about things, often times its the most effective. I don't waste my time debating people when its merely going to get in the way of me achieving my desired goal - if somebody pisses me off, I'm not in the mood to have civil discourse. Its rare that I don't get my point across to people who are doing wrong by somebody I know. I proved chivalry is not dead, and I also proved recently that if you have the guts to drop racial slurs in a public place when my co-worker is a black guy from Haiti... well... how many people would walk up to a table of 4 rednecks and tell them to stop dropping N bombs because it makes them look ignorant? I'm not telling you this because I want recognition, because frankly it disgusts me that EVERYBODY isn't keeping people in check like that. Calling someone a nigger is wrong, gay bashing is wrong... you get the idea. Why is it that our society has continually gotten less and less civil since the 1960's? To me its not an improvement - people can't talk without shouting anymore. Its sad, and it says a lot about us.

I guess you could call me a policeman in some respects. (e:ajay) got hit with the nightstick a little, so I'm going to atone the old fashioned American way - bribery.

So I've decided I want my 80's collection back. All of my MP3s went away when my spare HD crashed - I had to do a full wipe. So, stripmates, since I can't remember every single 80's song I had I think it would be best if we put our collective wisdom together. Post a comment with some songs!

For some reason I have The Cars and Human League in my head and I can't get them out!

I had all kinds of things to write last week but for some reason I couldn't load this site on my laptop. Previously I was able to load the site just fine, but now it won't even load at all. Very strange.

Anyhow, I've lately just been pretending that I'm enjoying my job lately... put yer head down, grind through the holiday. '06 isn't that far away! Very soon its going to be time to look out for #1 like the "old" (e:joshua) used to do. If you think I'm a fascist now you should have seen me circa 2001. I've toned it down.

It was nice to see the beautiful and charming (e:lilho) and the fellas out on Saturday - my plan was to get sloppy drunk but at last minute I decided to be responsible. The Larsonmobile got broken into late Friday/early Saturday, and I was so uncontrollably pissed off during the afternoon that I decided to go on an extended bender. I chilled out a bit. Good news - the window will be replaced tomorrow at noon, and Progressive didn't try to job me on the claim!

Anyhow, it looks like I am going to Chicago tomorrow, then St. Louis the next day with a brief stop to Peoria, IL in between. I've been enjoying seeing the United States the past couple months. Well, with the exception of certain areas that I wont disparage in public. I have free drink coupons for the airline, so my ride home is going to be short and sweet after 2 or 3 Dewars and soda.

P.S. Atlanta had billboards up with the Tutankhamun showing there recently - the sign said "The Original King of Bling" - I had to laugh.

I'm dying... I just want to come home. On the bright side of things, it looks like I'm going to be home earlier than I planned. I can't tell you how much I anticipate getting off the plane in Buffalo. This week has been long and horrible, and my frustration bled out a little bit to an email to my boss - I think he is realizing that I'm burning out a little. Despite the very long hours and relatively low pay, I'm well aware of how marketable this job will be on my resume. Its going to help me immensely in my quest to get an MBA in the future. GPA is nice, and a solid GMAT is nice, but for the better schools I'm well aware of the fact that the difference between the haves and have nots can be whats on the resume. My work partner this week has a double Masters from MIT, half of the coursework of which was taken at Harvard. He hangs out with a lot of admissions people, and when he tells me that he is "convinced" that this job on my resume is going to be huge for me, then how can I not take that into consideration? The job is killing me, thats the bottom line. Theres times where I want out, and there are times that I am euphoric over the job. My boss is the best boss I'll probably ever have. I'm not sure what to do.

Oh yeah - Ohio sucks. This has got to be the reason why Ohio State football sucks. I've made sure to be vocal about my devotion to Michigan this week in basically what is Ground Zero for Buckeye fans. Wearing a Michican hat in Buckeye country is like wearing Rush Limbaugh's "Club 'Gitmo" shirts in Berkeley, CA. You're liable to get harrassed, spat on, verbally abused and not served at restaurants.