I feel like a schmuck.

My mom was four years sober yesterday. (and 3 years off cigarettes. I keep asking what she's going to give up next, food? Just to show us all how easy it is to give up vices?)

And we didn't do anything.

Christmas day she was talking about how she hadn't been to a meeting in a while [AA] but that she had to go the next day and wasn't really looking forward to it, because she had to chair the meeting. And I thought 'oh right, it's your anniversary'. She didn't know what she was going to say, hates it when everyone just talks about themselves, etc.

So yesterday morning she went to her meeting early, and I was up when she came back, and she said it went well. She just sort of started talking and before she knew it it was over.

Then her friend P (an old family friend of ours) presented her with her four year chip and her card.

So I admired her chip and read the card, full of nice messages like 'you're an inspiration' 'loved your talk, great message' etc. So I asked what she talked about, and she said Faith. Which surprises me a little, b/c the religious/spiritual side of AA is the part she doesn't like. But she said she talked about Faith in the broadest, most general sense- Faith that "everything will be all right". Not to sweat the details, but just to keep trying, and not to lose sight of the big picture, and to know that you can do it. A good message, indeed.

So she told me that story, and that was that. I think later dad asked "how was your meeting" and she said "good", the end. Doubt my brother even thought to ask.

Her friend came by later to say congratulations and give us christmas presents. [she gave my dad/brother this thing from a joke shop- a remote control fart machine. Oy. They love it and haven't stopped yet.] A few other friends/family called to say congratulations. And all the while we just sat there like it's any old day. Well not any old day- the day after christmas. We all sat there totally self-absorbed and like zombies, playing with our loot.

We wanted to see a movie, but she didn't feel up for it. So she stayed home, and my dad, brother and I went to dinner and a movie. (Night at the Museum. Very fun.) Then we came home and went to bed.

And I just woke up and was lying in bed, and all of the sudden thought "what a bunch of assholes we are. We should have done something." At least taken her out to dinner or gotten her a card or something. I mean, after 4 years this is kind of old hat, and I don't think she really cares, but still... it's a great milestone. We should at least let her know that we love her and support her and are proud of what she's done.

I think I'll go talk to my dad, maybe we can do something tonight.

ugh.
-J

P.s. totally unrelated- the Bodyworks exhibit is in Boston, FYI. I hear it's amazing, have always been meaning to go- we're going thurs. But in case anyone's interested, it's at least still on Buffalo's half of the country.

OMG I got a fake puppy.

I was in the middle of geeking out and setting up some speakers, and all of the sudden my dad is like "hey are you busy? can you come over here for a second?" I was kind of annoyed, like "can't it wait?" and I look over, and my brother is standing on the other side of the dining room with the camera... looking like he wants to catch my reaction... I think "oh shit".

I walk closer, and they have a little plastic laundry basket with a red ribbon woven in it... and i look in and there's newspaper on one side with a little wet spot on it, and on the other side, the cutest little puppy curled up in a little bed. I mean it's really cute, all cuddled up. And I just thought "what the fuck are they thinking!!" They know how badly I want a dog, but also how I just totally can't have one right now.

So I think maybe it's a joke, and I look closer... it's making little snoring noises and I can see it breathing... And it's super cute.

So I touch it-
And it's totally fake.
It's a little mechanical dog that makes snoring noises and looks like it's breathing.

But it's super cute.

It's totally my new pet.

haha, it IS pretty fun.

Merry Christmas peeps!!!

Last night we ate another huge dinner, and then Dad drove us around town to ooh and ahh at the christmas lights. So a huge dinner combined with wine and a 40min drive and quiet music made me fall asleep in the car like a little kid. I told Dad he would have to carry me inside and put me to bed. (he refused).

So we skipped our christmas tradition of reading 'the night before christmas', but we did still open one present christmas eve- which is always pajamas to wear that night. And we went to bed. then mom and dad put the presents out while the 'kids' were in bed. We are much too old for this, but I love that they still sort of do the santa thing. Once they tried to get us to help, but it was too weird to be putting out my own presents.

But even though I was so tired last night, I woke up at like 7 this morning, and have been sitting in bed staring at the clock waiting for everyone else to wake up. Thank god for laptops! (and the time difference to Iraq allowed for a chat with my imaginary boyfriend- woohoo).

I feel like, well, a kid on christmas morning. We (3 kids) used to all wake up at like 4 and not be able to sleep so we'd meet in someone's room to wait til the designated hour, usually 7, and then we would explode into my parents' room. We would want to run downstairs and immediately open presents, but they would torture us and draw it out. mom would have to brush her teeth and put on red silk pajamas, jewelry and makeup. (dad on the other hand would look like a wild man with stick-up hair in a robe and slippers). finally when mom was ready, dad would go first- to 1: make sure santa had come, and 2: make sure he was gone. But really he would set up the camera, and put "Victory at Sea" on the stereo on full blast. (an odd family tradition, no idea where that came from). Then we would finally be allowed down, but we weren't allowed at the presents til after we did stockings. Then mom would try to convince us to 'take a break' and eat some breakfast [angel food cake french toast... mmmm] We would refuse.

So finally we would get to presents. Usually mom would start playing Santa, and would pick one present and give it to someone. We would watch that person open it. Then that person would pick the next, etc. But usually my little brother would get impatient and whiny, and we would want to give the presents we had bought, rather than pick randomly- so it would denerate into a free for all feeding frenzy.

Piles of wrapping paper carcasses everywhere, and this "what's next what's next" feeling. But I, being the geek that I am, often get gadget-y stuff. So I would spend forever with each gift. Reading the instruction book, playing with every little feature.... meanwhile my brother and sister tore through everything- it often ended in tears when they would go try to find presents for themselves, but all that was left were boxes labelled Alex, because I was so slow. haha.

Ah, family traditions. You would think I'm old enough to have outgrown it- but not at all. the only thing that has changed is that I sleep past 4am now. But not much. It's 9:10, and I am just starting to hear people move around...

Too bad there's no snow.

I wish you all a Merry, Merry Christmas!!!

Love,
J

[warning, long. But not a rant this time. :)]

Greetings from Madhouse USA! (that's how my mom has been answering the phone lately.) My brother, who is 23, is acting like he is about 6. Bouncing of the walls and unable to shut up, he's so excited about christmas.

Well, I got my bag back. Unfortunately I think they let it sit on the runway in the rain for a few hours, since everything was wet. And, they obviously went through it, but didn't put the "we went through your bag" sign in there like they usually do- I felt so violated! Must have been that dangerous hair gel of mine that made them check.

When we were kids, we used to describe the countdown to christmas in how many times we had to "sleep and wake up". Like when he was four, my brother would go "all we have to do is sleep and wake up, sleep and wake up, sleep and wake up and it's CHRISTMAS!!" So I really can't believe that all we have to do is sleep and wake up.

Fortunately my brother's christmas present arrived. I bought him the "Atomic Chopper"- a super-tiny R/C helicopter that you can fly inside, "as advertised on tv". But I bought it from a spam email. And then got no confirmation, and they wouldn't answer my emails, so I thought they had ripped me off. I went so far as to order it again, to see if I got a confirmation, in case the first one didn't go through. (that's good thinking, right? "I got ripped off once, so let's do it again!") Well, ye of little faith, one arrived yesterday. (And apparently is called the Pico-Z, not the Atomic Chopper.) Now I'm wondering if I'll get another. Anyone need a mini-helicopter? I might have an extra.

So, I love being home, and I love seeing my family and the dogs, but MY GOD all we do is eat. No wonder I've never been skinny... The weight I lost last year has been creeping back up on me, and now I'm home- it is going to be time for a MAJOR diet when I get back.

We went to Ruth's Chris last night. They just opened one in Providence a few weeks ago. They haven't really worked out the kinks, service-wise, but it was still damn good. I don't eat steak that often, but this was a damn fine piece of meat. Cooked at 1800 degrees and served on 500 degree plates. (seriously). But I just can't get over how expensive it is!!! I had the cheapest steak, the petite filet, which was I think $37. And that is just a steak on a plate. Veggies/sides are like $8 each. Appetizers/salads are all >10. Desserts are like $15. And they talk you into buying bottled water instead of just tap water. And coffee etc. I don't even want to know what the bill was for the four of us.

But so then I thought, why am I such a fucking cheapskate? The whole dinner I was thinking/worrying about how much everything cost. Trying to pick cheap things off the menu. Mad at my brother when he said yes to another bottle of water, thinking "we can just drink tap water, that's fine". I mean really. Where did this come from? I wasn't paying for it. And if my dad couldn't afford it, he wouldn't offer. If he doesn't mind, why should I? I really don't understand where this cheap streak in me came from. I think I have some guilt issues about the fact that I grew up with money. Not tons and tons, but we never really worried about it, and we are all crazy-spoiled. (but hopefully not spoiled BRATS is what I say.)

So anyway, I think I'm still full from dinner last night. And tonight we're going out for another fancy dinner, and of course tomorrow will be snack-city all day long, and then Mom's big christmas dinner...

Well anyway. I hope you are all doing well. My phone has not rung once since I got home, which is a little funny, but I guess nice. But I kind of miss you guys.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! (except Terry. Just pretend it's a regular day, man. It's almost over.)

Love,
J

P.s. Merry christmas to me!!! Got home from dinner at like midnight last night- only to find messages on AIM from my imaginary boyfriend (the neurosurgeon in Iraq) checking to see if I'd made it home ok. Woo-hoo!!! That boy is fine. I'm sure nothing will come of it, since things like that don't happen in my world, but it sure is a nice little daydream.