EHarmony Can Suck It



We have all seen the commercials............ Two lonely people........meeting over the internet......falling in love because of this AWESOME screening system these fucks use.....getting married.......and living happily ever after. Sure...it could happen. I have seen these commercials too. What it really looks like to me is late 30'ish early 40'ish lonely woman, her mom is giving her shit because she has not produced any grand babies yet.......man, living in his mom's basement.....tired of whacking off while mom is upstairs..........you get the point.....



This site is totally bullshit. COULD two people meet on here and fall madly in love and live happily ever after? Sure they could...but I also so pretty woman, a hooker could fall in love with her john. Yeah, so they say they have this scary good personality screening software. Hey assholes.....I have news for you...people don't have to answer the questions honestly. No one is 100 percent honest in the beginning stages or meeting or getting to know someone anyways dipshits. I have news for you EHARMONY...I took that personality screening......it said I had feelings and shit....just ask all of my ex's....obviously this is a flawed system.



This entire site is about finding someone to get married to. If you are ONLY looking to get married you and your relationship is doomed. This kind of motivation leads to nothing positive in the long run and only sets you up for failure. I am tempted on making an EHARMONY profile that is completely ridiculous just to see what kind of desperation I get in return. You know something like......



"My name is Jason, I like long walks on the beach, talking until the sun comes up, cuddling and sexual asphyxiation. I like soft kisses, tender touches, and to be choked out to just before I lose consciousness. I am an active guy, I like to go hiking, running, working out, and chasing down hookers before they escape from that secret room under my house. I am a faithful mate who never cheats, although if you have a hot sister I would like to finger bang her from time to time. I just want to find a woman who understands and loves me for who I am, arrest record and all, and don't worry, the state of New York has made sure that I can no longer possess any firearms. That thing that happened in my last relationship won't happen again, my psychiatrist assures me I am "healthier". I like to spend time at home in the evenings instead of going out as my parole officer generally calls by 8 PM. Anyway... if this interests you and you want to marry me let me know. Thanks for stopping by..........."



Listen, I know this is over the top but you get the point...........





Ok so here are a few harmony "success pictures......






"We met for our first date and things went marvelously. From the beginning, there was a lot in common: we both had lived overseas for a period, love of grandchildren, music, sports and other things. The rest is history. We married on February 14, 2005 (yes, we are romantics) at a resort in Florida. Thanks eHarmony."

--Bob and Diane

Yeah, they had a lot in common, how about the fact that her uterus is shrivled and he has a limp member......awww true love......




"I really didn't think I would find the man I was looking for through eHarmony, but I found Sean and he is everything and more. We are alike on so many levels and our differences make us come together as one even more. Every day we spend together, our feelings keep growing more and more. eHarmony gave me a sense that the people here are looking for a committed relationship and no other website gave me that feeling. eHarmony matched me with Sean and I thank eHarmony for bringing us together."

--Stephanie and Sean

Yeah everyday your feelings keep growing more and more.....so does your dress size lady...good luck with your diabetes......





"Through eHarmony's guided communication process, we were able to get a really good sense of each other's personalities. When we met face to face, we felt like we already knew a lot about each other and the comfort level for both of us was very high. The structured introduction process that eHarmony uses allowed us to really find out about each other's important values and beliefs even before we went on our first date. Finally July 9, 2005, we started our life together as Husband and Wife. Thank you eHarmony for bringing us the love of our lives!"

--Steve and Maria

"Finally July 9, 2005, we started our life together as husband and wife. July 10, 2005 Maria got her green card." Aww how fucking romantic....



Ok...I guess I am not a hopeless romantic...oh well.......

The older I get the more I realize women like assholes....


So let me explain. I know that there may be relative strangers who read this and think, "This guy is a fucking asshole and I hate him." Well, you are not the first nor will you be the last. I REALLY am not a bad guy. I ABSOLUTELY do respect women and nothing you read should make you feel otherwise. I have come to the conclusion in my thirty years that a sure fire way to get most women's attention is to behave in ways that may seem like you don't. I will elaborate.



I went out to a local sports bar the other night with some friends. Now my friends go this establishment often, I do not. I actually to prefer to be on my couch with my laptop instant messaging my friends then spend physical energy on people who I really have only a passing liking for. That is one of my flaws I guess....... So I go to said bar and see my buddies there. They go there several times a week so they know the staff very well. I pony up to the bar and order a drink. The bartender there (cute girl, not my normal type) starts asking my buddy if I am with him, etc... "Oh OB, did you bring another one.......etc. etc..." Now listen, I live my life in hotel and airport bars so I am no stranger to making random coversational banter with the staff.... I am a complete attention whore and need to entertain people in order to make myself feel better. We all do things to make ourselves feel better. Some do drugs, some drink...some masturbate....some tell jokes right? I have a pretty good ability to judge people and I can tell right off the bat she is a smart ass. I kind of like that in a woman. A bad attitude can make an average girl seem more attractive, sexy even. So below are little excerpts from our conversation that evening......... The end of the story is where I prove my point........



Bartender: Hey OB, tell your friend (me) to shut the fuck up.......

Me: I will if you show me your tits......

Bartender: Do you annoy everyone like this?

Me: Only women I want to have sex with........

Bartender: You are really aggravating me right now......

Me: My exwife used to say that all the time, it's a good thing I have a nice penis........



So, the conversation went on like this for a few hours. I know on the surface it makes me look like a real asshole, in fact I MAY be a REAL asshole...only time will tell right....

The fact is that I would NEVER say things like that to a woman if I didn't think it was part of the game..... Whether you are interested in someone or not...we all still play the game.... My game usually is to see how far I can push someone....I like a woman to not really know if shes hates me or if she's madly in love/lust with me..... I like to aggravate a woman to the point where she wants to either punch me in my face or makeout with me passionately......

I have issues I know.....

So on to the point of my story.....(and if I really thought I was being offending towards her I wouldn't of said the things I did, it really was all in good fun....) Ok, at some point there was a football game picking form being sent around. You filled out the form and picked next weeks games...whoever picked the most won something, etc. etc....A lame hat or some other random worthless shit...I filled out the form...address, phone number, penis size...ok, not penis size but I probably would of lied anyway...

So the night ended and I went home. I think I was actually too tired to masturbate as well, weird for me. Last night I am sitting on my couch drinking a beer and watching Project Runway. Isn't that what every heterosexual guy does, watch a reality show about gay fashion designers?? Well I love it and I will always love it.... There is something about gay guys getting in cat fights and calling each other bitches that is very cathartic.......

Long story short.........

I get a text message from an unknown number......

Stranger: Hi

Me: Hi?

Stranger: Do you know who this is?

Me: Please tell me a hot nympho who just walked out of her Sex Addicts Anonymous Meeting after seeing my number on the bathroom wall...

Stranger: Close it is Renee from ****** the Bartender....

Me: Oh so you stole my number from the football card?? (I am quick like that..I am a regular fucking Perry Mason)

Stranger: Yeah you know you wanted me....



Ok..so I will stop there, point proven..... I made NO attemps at getting a date with this woman..... I was kind of dick in a charming way.....She should of really wanted nothing to do with me.... But she did....why is that.... I sometimes think I know but I am always strangely confused and amazed.... I think that is sometimes why I try and push my luck... I am fascinated by human nature.... Laws of attraction......what is intriguing and what is not.........

Ok.....I make fun of religion. I was born and raised Catholic but do not practice...........here is something I did for another site. It was either interview JC or OJ...I picked the lesser of two evils.

My Interview with JC


So I had a dream last night that I was interviewing our Lord and Savior, that's right I had an dream I interviewed Ryan Seacrest...ok, no really I had a dream I interviewed Jesus Christ. I don't really recall the extent of the dream because I was too busy humping my mattress but it got me thinking......Jesus seems like a pretty hip guy. I bet he would be a great fucking interview during sweeps week on just about any show. I am pretty sure he wouldn't do Oprah though because she's a real bitch. Ok..so here is what I think an interview with Jesus would be like....



Me: Jesus, thank you for joining us. The world has been waiting for your return. You have laid low the last 2000 years, what have you been doing?



JC: Thanks for having me on, before I start I just want to give a shout out to the all the believers and non-believers.....Bethlehem in the Muthafuckin hizzay!!!!! But seriously, I HAVE laid low for a while. I haven't been up to much. I have been planning my glorious return for a couple thousand years as well as watching reruns of the Cosby Show. C'mon I am all for equality on TV but a black doctor and lawyer in the same family with kids who get good grades with no arrest records...talk about over the top.....



Me: Wow Jesus, aren't you afraid of angering the black community with statements like those?



JC: Don't hate, I'm only playing. I love the black community. Al Shartpon, Jesse Jackson and I drink 40's knock up white women and shoot dice at my crib in Harlem every Friday, except good Friday (I'm a little busy on that day)



ME: Wow, I didn't realize that you would have such a great sense of humor. Who were your comedic influences over the year?



JC: I love comedy. Ever since Judas PUNKED me in the garden I have been a sucker for a good gag. Look, I still have those marks on my head...ohhh that Judas, he is almost as good at punking as that Ashton Kutcher kid. No but really, George Carlin, Dave Attell, and Eddie Murphy before he became an unle tom have all been really big influences. Dane Cook is really popular with the college kids these days, but really Dane, even my crucifixion would be funny to kids who drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and smoke a blunt before they came to it. Little advise, more jokes less rolling around on stage Dane.



Me: So Jesus, I can tell you really like pop culture. What do you like on TV these days?



JC: That depends, is that before or after I have drank a fifth of "jesus juice"? No seriously, I do watch a lot of TV. Ever since I got that plasma my father can't get me off of my thrown. I am like any other single guy. I watch south park, American Idol, and yeah, Clay Aiken is clearly gay...don't front Clay, I can read mind. I have to admit, I love project runway, call metrosexual but Hedi Klum is SMOKIN.... My father had the right idea pulling that rib out of adam now didn't he.....



Me: So, Jesus, interesting segway. It is obvious you have attraction for the opposite sex. There are rumors you had an affair and married that prostitute Mary Magdeline. Is there any truth to these rumors?



JC: Listen. I am not going to kiss and tell here. All I will say is remember that movie pretty woman????? Yeah....some say the idea for that movie was "Divine Intervention".....Next Question.......



Me: I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. Have you seen any good movies lately?



JC: I generally like to go to movies that make me laugh. Most of my time is spent damning people to hell and fighting Satan so on my offtime I like to have a few laughs and maybe see some titties. That passion of the Christ movie was pretty funny.......listen people..I am allowed to make fun of myself here, that WAS me on that heavy ass cross now wasn't it....... You know the shit they are putting out in Hollywood is pretty miserable these days. Borat was pretty funny....since I converted I make fun of jews a lot too.



Me: Wow Jesus, I didn't realize you were such a big fan or toilet humor. We are almost out of time, is there anything else you would like to say before you leave?



JC: Yeah, make sure you check out my new Record produced by P Diddy, Salvation 2006 in stores late fall. Support your artists niggas, don't download. I'd like to give a shout out to my home boys in the BK/Bronx.... Much love, I would like to tell all those bitches who win grammy and academy awards to stop thanking my father on stage.....he doesn't give a shit about your acting and he wouldn't even touch most of you with Satan's dick....... I'd like to say what up to that little Puerto Rican girl who caught my eye on the corner of 5th and Lexington earlier...what up ma....and lastly..remember to keep the lord's day holy or you will forever burn in the fiery pits of hell, or as I refer to it, any place where Rosie O'Donnel is............



PEACE....JC OUT.........seacrest, you know you stole that line for me........watch for me on the next Dancing with the Stars series.....Walking on water...try dancing on water niggas..........













Funny or not funny....I have too much free time on my hands........oh well....

Apparently HPV is NOT funny


I have come to the conclusion that I really like making people think I am a complete and utter asshole. I get some sort of weird joy at being able to make total strangers question my humanity, or maybe I just like it when people I do not know think I am a dick. I spend a large amount of my life interacting with strangers, in strang places and never really making a connection with anyone.My favorite time of the day is when I get to hang out in the Hilton lounge and interact with the bartender or other lonely strangers in search of a few moments of conversation and a decent buzz paid for by the company credit card. I do enjoy this but sometimes I just want someone to dislike me. No, not dislike me in a , he's like OJ kind of way...no I would never cut the heads of two innocent individuals unless of course they were from Philadelphia, then obviously they had it coming. I just enjoy a little controversy and being able to say I know how to push people's buttons. This is pretty immature I know but at least it gives both of us something to talk about. The other person can go back to the office later and talk about this "asshole" they met and I can go back to my couch with my bottle of Grey Goose and try and find some comedy in human nature. It makes the time pass and brings some much needed drama to the waiting game that is business travel.

So last week I was in Greensboro, NC. I was supposed to meet a customer there and do a couple presentations at this medical conference. I had left Virginia early a day earlier so I could be at this event. I could of seen the Virginia Tech game and had a fucking blast, but instead I was a good little worker bee and made the shitty drive through hickville on two lane county highway so I could help a partner with his business. So I get to the event early in the morning and meet with my customer. He is clearly still drunk. I smell the booze on him 2 feet away, no lie, he is still drunk. He informs me that I will not be presenting and I can just "hang out" next to him and talk to customers. Right then I got pretty pissed. I was not going to waste my fucking day with this. This was a medical conference and there were many attractive medical reps manning their booths. There were no customers there early int he morning so most of us vendors spent the time shooting the shit. My drunk buddy decided he was going to hit on this attractive young woman at the MERCK table. MERCK sells drugs for you that don't know. There were about 5 strangers so I decided I would at least be entertaining. I did my usual bits and they went over well. Well then it kind of went downhill from there. My buddy asks this woman what drugs she represents. She proceded to explain she sells some sort of HPV vaccine that is brand new on the market. Now, HPV for those of you that don't know is a serious disease that is the leading cause of cervical cancer in women and is very prevalent. Obviously if this drug works and can stop women from getting infetect that is great, it really is. With this being said, it doesn't mean I can't find some sort of humor in it right? So I remember all these fucking commercials I have seen recently. They involve women talking to each other saying shit like, "wow, I never knew HPV was so serious, I am going to talk to my doctor about it..." etc. etc. etc...... All well and good right. Apparently MERCK is the company that makes these commercials. Now I remember one of these commercials that I personally found very fucking funny...... Cut to a woman in her late 30's talking to the camera..... "I didn't know this was such a problem..." "I have a 13yr old daughter and I am going to make sure next time she has her checkup her doctor talks to her about the risks of HPV....."

Now sex education is GREAT and we all should educate our youth but I did find it fucking funny that she said her 13 yr old daughter...13, not 14, not 15 or 16, but 13......... She has to be worried about her 13 yr old catching HPV..................

So I was talking to this nice young girl who previously told me many of her friends have had HPV, I am sure they love to know that...... and I was like, what is up with that commercial with the mom and her 13 yr old daughter.... how would that conversation work....would the mom go into the doctors office and be like, "Doctor, can you please talk to my 13 yr old daughter about HPV because shes a real WHORE"

No mind you......the other three MERCK GUYS laughed.........the blonde pinup pushing the drug did not...... I knew as I said it I was going to be in trouble...and I was...I kind of intended on pissing her off... I kind of wanted something bad to happen because I was bored...and my day was useless and I didn't get to go see the VT game the night before.... I kind of wanted her to think I was an asshole to at least spice up my life or something... I kind of wish she had a drink to throw on me at that point....... No, instead she just gave me the cold shoulder for the next 3 hours until I left.........

It really was a funny joke.......oh well...some people don't understand my comedic genious

I hate people......


Wow....every fucking trip people seem to piss me off. Is it that people are just assholes or maybe I have no patience... I will believe that people are just assholes and like to be oblivious to everyone else on this fucking planet.......

Ok...so first off, I had to fly into Philly for my connection today. As most of you know I wouldn't be opposed to taking it off the map...and yes...I still dislike philly so much that even small children who live there piss me off....

Ok, so my connection is late and I am running through the fucking airport which oddly enough smells like ass everytime I go there.... I get to the gate and they are boarding..great I made it but I am still pissed.......

So I walk down the jetway and there is a long line..fine..... I get into the airplane and I notice a holdup about 7 seats in..... now frequent fliers or just those with any sense of common courtesy know that this "get on the airplane and sit in your seat thing" is pretty fucking irritating as it is... All we want to do is board in timely manner and take off in a timely manner. Weird that everyone has to be seating for the fucking plane to take off isn't it? So people with common sense and decency should sit their mother fucking ass in their mother fucking seat (Sorry Samuel L)..... I understand that you have to put your luggage in the overhead but if you have problems with it that will take longer than usual wait until after everyone has passed and don't block the fucking aisles.... Ok... So I am watching this 20 something woman (I probably would need a DNA test to prove her actual sex) walk up and down the aisles moving luggage in between overheads. Apparently she had to move them closer to her seat. This is all well and good AFTER every one else has passed....... This is where the common fucking courtesy comes in...... Ok...so literally about 5 minutes have passed...now generally the flight attendants come on the PA when they see this and advise everyone to move out of the aisles..this time they didn't.

Now I finally get up to this woman who is still fiddling with her shit and still half blocking the aisle. I politely, yes politely advise her that she was blocking the aisle and generally people wait until after everyone is on board in order to do this type of thing.....ok...maybe I wasn't super polite but I wasn't rude. She laughed at me and said, "oh really, I will remember that for next time" in a super sarcastic way. Fuck that. I am not taking that from this bitch.... I said, "Yeah thats's a good idea because obviously you don't understand common courtesy." She replied with, "asshole" Ok now while technically this is TRUE.... She doesn't know me well enough. Only my friends and women who I have had sex with have the right to call me that....... So I didn't want to answer her curse with a curse back to her... I would be no better than two NYC cab drivers fighting over a fare...... So without thinking I looked at her and said, "Nice outfit...I know a lot lesbian women who shop at the same store" Ok..I know she wasn't a lesbian because she wasn't wearing flannel... and I did not plan that comment..it just kind of came through me like that picture of the apostles with tongues of fire over their head........

She looked at me and knew she met her match... we both sat in our seats, me feeling a little justice had been served..and her..probably feeling like she wont wear such comfortable shoes next time.................