Apparently HPV is NOT funny


I have come to the conclusion that I really like making people think I am a complete and utter asshole. I get some sort of weird joy at being able to make total strangers question my humanity, or maybe I just like it when people I do not know think I am a dick. I spend a large amount of my life interacting with strangers, in strang places and never really making a connection with anyone.My favorite time of the day is when I get to hang out in the Hilton lounge and interact with the bartender or other lonely strangers in search of a few moments of conversation and a decent buzz paid for by the company credit card. I do enjoy this but sometimes I just want someone to dislike me. No, not dislike me in a , he's like OJ kind of way...no I would never cut the heads of two innocent individuals unless of course they were from Philadelphia, then obviously they had it coming. I just enjoy a little controversy and being able to say I know how to push people's buttons. This is pretty immature I know but at least it gives both of us something to talk about. The other person can go back to the office later and talk about this "asshole" they met and I can go back to my couch with my bottle of Grey Goose and try and find some comedy in human nature. It makes the time pass and brings some much needed drama to the waiting game that is business travel.

So last week I was in Greensboro, NC. I was supposed to meet a customer there and do a couple presentations at this medical conference. I had left Virginia early a day earlier so I could be at this event. I could of seen the Virginia Tech game and had a fucking blast, but instead I was a good little worker bee and made the shitty drive through hickville on two lane county highway so I could help a partner with his business. So I get to the event early in the morning and meet with my customer. He is clearly still drunk. I smell the booze on him 2 feet away, no lie, he is still drunk. He informs me that I will not be presenting and I can just "hang out" next to him and talk to customers. Right then I got pretty pissed. I was not going to waste my fucking day with this. This was a medical conference and there were many attractive medical reps manning their booths. There were no customers there early int he morning so most of us vendors spent the time shooting the shit. My drunk buddy decided he was going to hit on this attractive young woman at the MERCK table. MERCK sells drugs for you that don't know. There were about 5 strangers so I decided I would at least be entertaining. I did my usual bits and they went over well. Well then it kind of went downhill from there. My buddy asks this woman what drugs she represents. She proceded to explain she sells some sort of HPV vaccine that is brand new on the market. Now, HPV for those of you that don't know is a serious disease that is the leading cause of cervical cancer in women and is very prevalent. Obviously if this drug works and can stop women from getting infetect that is great, it really is. With this being said, it doesn't mean I can't find some sort of humor in it right? So I remember all these fucking commercials I have seen recently. They involve women talking to each other saying shit like, "wow, I never knew HPV was so serious, I am going to talk to my doctor about it..." etc. etc. etc...... All well and good right. Apparently MERCK is the company that makes these commercials. Now I remember one of these commercials that I personally found very fucking funny...... Cut to a woman in her late 30's talking to the camera..... "I didn't know this was such a problem..." "I have a 13yr old daughter and I am going to make sure next time she has her checkup her doctor talks to her about the risks of HPV....."

Now sex education is GREAT and we all should educate our youth but I did find it fucking funny that she said her 13 yr old daughter...13, not 14, not 15 or 16, but 13......... She has to be worried about her 13 yr old catching HPV..................

So I was talking to this nice young girl who previously told me many of her friends have had HPV, I am sure they love to know that...... and I was like, what is up with that commercial with the mom and her 13 yr old daughter.... how would that conversation work....would the mom go into the doctors office and be like, "Doctor, can you please talk to my 13 yr old daughter about HPV because shes a real WHORE"

No mind you......the other three MERCK GUYS laughed.........the blonde pinup pushing the drug did not...... I knew as I said it I was going to be in trouble...and I was...I kind of intended on pissing her off... I kind of wanted something bad to happen because I was bored...and my day was useless and I didn't get to go see the VT game the night before.... I kind of wanted her to think I was an asshole to at least spice up my life or something... I kind of wish she had a drink to throw on me at that point....... No, instead she just gave me the cold shoulder for the next 3 hours until I left.........

It really was a funny joke.......oh well...some people don't understand my comedic genious

I hate people......


Wow....every fucking trip people seem to piss me off. Is it that people are just assholes or maybe I have no patience... I will believe that people are just assholes and like to be oblivious to everyone else on this fucking planet.......

Ok...so first off, I had to fly into Philly for my connection today. As most of you know I wouldn't be opposed to taking it off the map...and yes...I still dislike philly so much that even small children who live there piss me off....

Ok, so my connection is late and I am running through the fucking airport which oddly enough smells like ass everytime I go there.... I get to the gate and they are boarding..great I made it but I am still pissed.......

So I walk down the jetway and there is a long line..fine..... I get into the airplane and I notice a holdup about 7 seats in..... now frequent fliers or just those with any sense of common courtesy know that this "get on the airplane and sit in your seat thing" is pretty fucking irritating as it is... All we want to do is board in timely manner and take off in a timely manner. Weird that everyone has to be seating for the fucking plane to take off isn't it? So people with common sense and decency should sit their mother fucking ass in their mother fucking seat (Sorry Samuel L)..... I understand that you have to put your luggage in the overhead but if you have problems with it that will take longer than usual wait until after everyone has passed and don't block the fucking aisles.... Ok... So I am watching this 20 something woman (I probably would need a DNA test to prove her actual sex) walk up and down the aisles moving luggage in between overheads. Apparently she had to move them closer to her seat. This is all well and good AFTER every one else has passed....... This is where the common fucking courtesy comes in...... Ok...so literally about 5 minutes have passed...now generally the flight attendants come on the PA when they see this and advise everyone to move out of the aisles..this time they didn't.

Now I finally get up to this woman who is still fiddling with her shit and still half blocking the aisle. I politely, yes politely advise her that she was blocking the aisle and generally people wait until after everyone is on board in order to do this type of thing.....ok...maybe I wasn't super polite but I wasn't rude. She laughed at me and said, "oh really, I will remember that for next time" in a super sarcastic way. Fuck that. I am not taking that from this bitch.... I said, "Yeah thats's a good idea because obviously you don't understand common courtesy." She replied with, "asshole" Ok now while technically this is TRUE.... She doesn't know me well enough. Only my friends and women who I have had sex with have the right to call me that....... So I didn't want to answer her curse with a curse back to her... I would be no better than two NYC cab drivers fighting over a fare...... So without thinking I looked at her and said, "Nice outfit...I know a lot lesbian women who shop at the same store" Ok..I know she wasn't a lesbian because she wasn't wearing flannel... and I did not plan that comment..it just kind of came through me like that picture of the apostles with tongues of fire over their head........

She looked at me and knew she met her match... we both sat in our seats, me feeling a little justice had been served..and her..probably feeling like she wont wear such comfortable shoes next time.................

New to Estrip.......


Here is the deal. I travel often and am always looking for things to occupy my time in airports and hotel rooms.

I am sarcastic and sometimes obnoxious but I am always funny (at least in my mind). I have a tendancy to be very blunt and really like to use words, spoken or written to get my point across.

I hate spell check and I type faster than my brain can spell so at times my grammar and spelling my appear to be remedial..I already know this......

Just looking to read things that intrigue me.....arguments welcome.


Anyway....hello.

Jason


Ok....so I might as well put something else in here... I love innappropriate comments. I just love them. I love shock value...it makes you think whether you want to or not.......
Yeah, I have been told that I really don't have any sort of verbal filter. I pretty much say anything that comes to my mind and usually it is inappropriate and insulting. I actually kind of prefer it. It goes with that whole "never forget me" thing I talked about earlier. I was thinking back over the last few years and it really is a fucking wonder I have a job. Strike that, it really is a fucking wonder someone has not yet killed me or put a hit on me or at least kicked me in the nuts.

Some of the things I say are completely WRONG.....do I mean all of the things I say...well most of them...but some of them are so wrong that anyone with an ounce of common sense understands I am not serious....it is all about comedy. I really think that the funniest things come out of things that make us the most uncomfortable. Humor is in everything, you just have to find it. When you laugh at something that on the surface is completely wrong to laugh at.....you aren't necessarily taking it lightly....but instead you are trying to understand it better......With that being said..sometimes I just like to make fun of fat chicks....everything doesn't have to have a hidden meaning.....

Here is an example......


Ok so I love tailgating. Booze...food......chicks in pink bills jerseys......fire bottle breaking...midget tossing.....gunfire..well not really but almost sometimes...... So I was tailgating at a preseason game this year. Preseason games are good because the weather is warm...chicks are still showing some skin and I still have hope the Bills aren't going to suck AGAIN. So this year during a preseason game a buddy of mine called me and asked me to take a walk down to where he was parked. I went down there, he had his girlfriend whom I do not know and apparently his girlfriends father was there as well. Now, the people I normally hang out with know how I am. You notice I don't say friends....I really don't have FRIENDS...I have people that learn to put up with me and think I am funny..I am ok with that, really. So I was there cracking jokes having a good time. There was this group of cheerleaders....young..probably about 12 years old or so selling candy bars. They looked cute, all dressed up, a pedophiles dream...I think you get the drift. It really is a great place to sell shit at because everyone is drunk and stoned for food looks extra good. So they were walking around selling their wares.....when they got up to us. "Hi guys, would you like to buy a candy bar to support blah blah blah......." I tune out women if they are too young to sleep with me..... So they were cute, doing flips and whatnot......listen ...if the girls were 6 years older and there was a pole here....I would buy all the fucking candy bars they had.......but they weren't so we didn't......well long story short no one in our group bought anything.........they moved on....should be the end of the story but it wasn't.............


So they left and my buddies girlfriend who was sitting next to her father looked over at us and said, "Aww they were cute....you should of bought some off of them." Ok...so at this point my fucked up brain has a disturbed desire to be funny. Like what can I say to shock and entertain. I feel almost a compulsion to shock......kind of like a donkey show in Tiajuana......but I don't use as much lube...... Ok so back to the story...you guys should of bought something they were cute........(pause)...(pause)...(pause.).....(you can hear my appropriate filter turn off).........me: "Yeah...they were cute.....I would of bought something off of them but they were no Jon Benet Ramsey" Now, my buddies who know me started to bust out laughing. It was pretty fucking funny at the time...not funny because I don't care what happened to that little girl, obviously it was horrible. It was funny because it was so wrong and inappropriate. It was funny because yeah, what I said was sick if I meant it which I didn't, but because it was so over the top. Shit like that makes you think though. It makes you think of sick fucks who actually do that kind of sick shit....the ones that don't make jokes are the ones you have to be careful about. Ok, so I said it and probably, no definitely said a few more things that my friends thought funny. I looked over to my buddies girlfriend and her dad sitting in the chair and they were looking at me like McCauley Culkin looks at Michael Jackson.......haha the look of disgust in their faces was very apparent. I looked back at them, shrugged my shoulders, and said, it was a joke.....would you rather I made a joke about OJ? No laugh there either....you can't please them all.....

The point is that Jean Benet's parents dressed her up, put makeup on her, paraded her on stage as if she was a little sex symbol. What happened to her was disgusting but what her parents did to her before was very disgusting as well.......Oh well.....maybe I should stick to making jokes about fat dudes at work.....I still think my joke was funny...and I am sticking to it.