Nope, can't sleep. There are some new life changes which will be taking effect starting Tuesday. I don't remember ever being this scared in my life. I've performed in front of 3,000 people. I've done a number of things that made me afraid but nothing like this before.

You see all of us have weaknesses and faults. I wish I could tell you guys more but it's very personal, in fact some of it is too personal to put on my blog. Well first of all, (e:Ajay) I'm sorry but I can't have beer with you. Two weeks ago we could have had some laughs over a Guinness but I can't drink alcohol or do drugs anymore. You see I've been doing too much of that over the past few months. That's a problem in and of itself, but the underlying reason for it is what really concerns me. It's about escapism and avoiding real life issues that need to be resolved. It's about trying to find happiness and satisfaction in a bottle or in a bag of weed. It's about enjoying life to the fullest without poisoning my body. Now I'm not saying we can't chill out at the bar sometime. I'd love that, but we'll have to replace my Guinness with a Shirley Temple, or hopefully some other kind of N/A creation of my own.

So starting this week I am making some life changes and doing things to help myself become a better Jason. I'm excited but also so scared I can't sleep a wink. I don't know if I have the kind of discipline and strength it is going to take to straighten me out. I don't know if I can do this. I've never had to do anything so difficult before. I know I'll come out of it on top of my game, but do I have what it takes to get there? Will I enjoy the simple things again? I understand basically all of you will most likely not interact with me in any other way but e-strip, but please please please don't let me slip. I have a feeling I'll need all the help I can find. I'll be posting very bad poetry versions of what's going on in my head from time to time until I'm Pre-2001 Jason again.

Jason

I know, I really shouldn't feel that way. You know what, I'm going to leave all that behind. The bottom line is that I'm one of the most charming mofos on the planet. And having a baby face means nobody can stay mad at me. I'm so darn cute! Basically I'm the bee's knees. The thing is, I censor myself a lot here now. The numbers are against me, and I was foolish for thinking that people would be open to any ideas from me. I have some ideas that I think would work for the vast majority of people when it comes to certain social issues.

Let's take gay marriage for instance, something I have never spoken about on this site. What if there is a solution out there that will make most religious people happy, and will guarantee all couples legal rights and protections, regardless of the kind of relationship they have? You see I don't come down on the side of the far right or the far left here, but if I don't fall directly in line with either I'll get torched. I know there are people on this site for who this issue is very personal. I want to do something that will work for just about everyone. But I won't elaborate any further because I know about 97% of the people here want nothing to do with any idea that doesn't go along with the far left.

Anyway thanks Ajay for the kind words. I don't take any ribbing too seriously. When I was young my friends were all 3-4 years older and treated me like a younger brother as well as a friend. Although I was raised to love and respect women, they made sure to let me know my ass was as good as kicked if I ever disrespected a woman. They also taught me to think a step ahead by playing games with me where if I gave a wrong answer or didn't act quick enough I got a nice bruise on my arm. Man that fucking hurt, btw. It was tough love, but they were also some of the most skilled ribbers I've ever met to date. Those guys were/are so hilarious. They would mess with me about things that are a lot more personal than political beliefs. My ex girlfriend was also one of the meanest bitches alive when she wanted to be. If I'm tough enough to make it through that, I can take pretty much take anything. I like to get my shots in too every now and then. Who doesn't?

Jason

As a result nobody here particularly cares about me, and that's fine. That kinda happens when you don't know anyone. Since that's the case I might as well get one really good rant off before the site becomes a "friends only" type of operation (by the way Paul I don't begrudge you for wanting your site to be managed however you see fit).

Actually I wonder if it's worth my time. Writing is very therapeutic for me but talking about being the fun guy women want to be with while young vs. the guy a girl settles down with is something that probably not too many people care about. Some guys are just happy to get a whiff of attention. Gay dudes couldn't care less about relationships between men and women (I imagine). Most women either don't see a problem or don't want anything changed. I'll die alone before I let myself become a walking wallet with a cock. There, that's as far as I'm willing to go with it for now.

Jason

There are some days when I don't want to wake up. Last night was so awesome. Usually if I dream it's a very bad one indeed.....getting chased in a UB parking lot by ninjas, getting made fun of and teased mercilessly by my ex, getting shot and cut up....fighting evil aliens...you get the idea. Most of the time it's not a pleasant experience.

Last night I had great dream after great dream. It's the first time in months. Every time I woke up I tried my damndest to get back asleep. Lately if I'm having dreams about women they are always centered around some kind of huge gathering...I'm in a hotel either on some kind of trip or conference. It's not just one woman I'm interacting with - it's at least a dozen. In one of my dreams I was walking down the hall with a towel on, heading into the shower. When I got to the shower I was the only guy - it was just me and a bunch of chicks. It was apparently a co-ed shower so I walked in, said "Hey girls" and started lathering up. This was all completely normal. I was able to stand there in the warm water and enjoy all of these women getting naked and wet. No, I wasn't yerking it in my dream....I was very well behaved. After the shower was done I was very handsomely rewarded for being good. What? A guy is actually REWARDED by women for being well behaved? This is when I realized it was just a dream (nevermind the rest of it, lol). It was all love, happiness and warmth. For some reason or another a lot of my dreams like this revolve around showers....apparently I'm subconsciously obsessed with showering with women.

Anyhow this dream got me thinking. There are so many shithead guys out there who use women for sex and deceive them. Those are the guys you see around the hood who always have a different girl around them. Women love these guys. It makes me think "Are you that fucking stupid!!!" and the answer I get is always "Yes" when they actually become surprised that the guy employed the fuck 'n' chuck and left them hanging. I remember their faces so I know who not to approach.

The dream helped me to remember not all people are like that. There are men out there who feel love and appreciation through sex, not just the momentary gratification of shooting off their load. Humans need physical interaction in order to be truly happy just like they need food, drink and oxygen. So with that in mind I encourage all of you ladies to sex up the good men in your lives as much as possible. Show them you love and appreciate them by getting naked and sweaty. It might mean something when the next V-Day rolls around! So get out there and get busy!

Jason

Last night I sat down and watched streaming video of the MLB Congresssional Hearing on steroids. I had no idea it would be so entertaining! The congresspeople really roughed up the MLB guys. These lawyers and executives came in acting arrogantly and thought they could pull the woll over the eyes of Congress. Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong! The various lawmakers all wore this amazing expression on their faces as if to collectively say "Do you really expect us to fall for this crap? Who do you think you are? Do you know how much trouble you're in?" The MLB guys had it really taken to them, and congress told them if they didn't fix the steroid problem NOW that congress would do it for them. Every one of those congresspeople were PISSED OFF...almost to the point of shouting at the MLB guys. I am so happy that congress gave them such a harsh verbal beating....the MLB guys really don't get it. One of the congressmen suggested it was already a problem that congress should address NOW because the MLB people were either too incompetent or unwilling to make the necessary changes in steroid policy. Major League Baseball got seriously beat down and reprimanded. It was a night of feel good television.

Jason