about everything; about what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I've done. The same feelings of loneliness, hovers yet i am happier with myself. How come my dreams a night send me into these worlds where I'm in love. More than a few occasions in my dreams I am kissing or touching someone and sublimely happy. And then I wake up alone again. Nothing like a good dream to ruin the rest of your day. My new life is still starting and i am more excited about it as the moments pass, but right now it's one of those feelings of truths, where you know that you are all alone in this world and no one is going to love you, like you do.*Le sigh* But all we want is somebody to love, and them to love us back. I hope I'm not too pathetic.

Something you can count on in New York: Never a dull weekend. Two bottles of wine and a halfof joint then it's off to the Brass Monkey in the meat packing district. i have never been in that area, and I don't know if it was the joint or the wine (maybe a combination of the two) but the meat packing district is the coolest spot in the city. The grunge that looms over the streets and buildings was intriguing. I wanted to run around and find out all the dirty happenings that that hood has seen and been through, it would have been practically orgasmic. i wih I oculd have remebered more but I was too stoned and drunk to recall. Did I mention I haven't smoked in over a month? The Brass monkey was equally as fun, a girlfriend of mine from buffalo works there and she makes a mean cosmo. That night surprisingly I was sleep by mid-night. All day saturday with a dead cell phone and no energy to go back to mu house and charge the bitch, all I did was watch the entire first season of greys anatomy. Damn thats a good show. Saturday night, which is usually more fun than fridays, it was off to the lower west side for some dancng at a place called Ms. shapes or Don hills. Good place anyway lots of homos and drunk chicks, people having sex behind this curtain where other people were dancing. Madonna's song "Hung Up" sounds a lot better in a night club, and leave it to me to pick up the english straight guy. We hang out togther all night, he's buying me drinks and shots. Constantly making jokes about exposing himself, and making out because people around us were. Dancing, grinding, hand holding as we surf through the crowd. I stop him and ask the magic question "Do you have a girlfriend?" assuming I knew the answer, and I did "Yes I do". And where is this girlfriend? Oh back home in London. Whoa Nelly. More dancing and drinking, we close out the mutha fucka and we take the subway to our seperat homes after a picture of each other,a hug and a kiss but not that kind of kiss. Nice boy, size 14 shoes. Sunday big sleepy time. So as Black history month comes to a close, The shortest and coldest month, which I am sure all of mt Afro brotha's appreciate. I realized something none of my friends called me to say "Hey T.K. thanks for being black." Just a thought. Muah!

"You can stay, but you can't stay my lover."

Friday night trying to find someone to have a drink with. The first two people I call are not available (including (e:hodown)). I go with my third choice. BIG MISTAKE! First of all she's napping at 8:30 p.m. So I wait for her to wake up at the bar around the corner. Cute bartender who infact talks to me the whole time I am waiting for my friend to wake up (about two hours). He buys my third jack and coke and asks me to stay and sing karaoke which he loves to do so much. NO thank you I found a baby roach in my guinness. But I told him I will come again. Girlfriend FINALLY wakes up, she, her roomate, two homos and myself have cosmo's before we go out. Her roomate is notorious for shit talk about people behind their backs and I catch her giving me a dirty look as I walk by. We go to the bar and theres a guy at the end of the bar giving the *wink*, lick of the lips, a little pucker of the lips. After many efforts that i ignore he begins to leave and I realize not only was he about 66 but he had a walker no joke! I am on fire tonight. The crew I'm went want to do drugs, I say no thank you I have shit to do in the morning but I didn't want to go home I still wanted to hang out. Thats not good enough apparently so they take off and now I'm somewhere in queens. Where? I don't know. SO now I have to find a subway station, takes forever and then I get on three wrong subways. I try to call the girl so she could help this heavily intoxicted boy, no answer no call back. NOw I am in east butt fuck somwhere (queens) it was awful I finally get home, upset because dunkin dounuts were not serving bagels. I go to sleep and do so for about 3 hours and then I had to go fill out paper work in the city for my new job, go home try to nap don't do it instead I do laundry and then It's back to manhattan to go to whatever those palces were called.All I know I didn't really have to pay for much because I was out with all girls and they love to treat the homo, and then there was this guy who pays my cover for the second club, so I had to ask his name and then say thank you. I wake up the nest afternoon go home and stay in for the next two days. Friday night sucked saturday night was a lot better. It's good to know who your friends are. Something else that aint pretty, I haven't had a satisfiying sexual episode in about 8 months. Thats sick. I'm trying to talk my brother out of getting a car. Especially if he wants to move to the city once he gets off probation. Yeah I have a brother on probation and a mother on parole. Fathers a born-again pastor. W.T.F. mate?

It's been a hell of a week. First: I still hate kids. Glad I got that out of the way. The rest of the week included fainting, getting drunk (that happens a lot i think), getting lost in queens while drunk, GETTIN A MUTH FUCKIN JOB! I think is the most important. THats right this blackman has a job. Where and what you might be axing yo self. The new Dave and Busters in times square! I would tell you all about the place since theres only 35 of them in the world including a new one that opened up near buffal last year, but Im hung over and very very tired. Dry throat. It hasn't opened yet but it will the third week of march to the V.I.P. people and then to the public in april. I will be waiting tables it's going to be a lot of fun. I get to have two drinks (real drinks) while I work. Oh and did I mention A nigga has benefits (hope I spelled that right, thats not really a word I type too much). Benefits including dental, 4o1k, I think a company mobile phone and other stuff too. I had a dream my dad was trying kiss me and take off my clothes as I was running away from him. Weird. So I wont be able to visit the B-Lo as soon as I want to I am going to be a very busy boy. The other goos news is I can afford to join a gym. This body of mine is starting to look pretty flabby, you know without excercise in two months yuck! Anywho gotta go. Big ups to Bonquipha! DABBA means "good"