oh my god, i just got to new orleans today. you can't imagine how bad some parts are.

i'm not exaggerating, the ninth ward has blocks upon blocks of NOTHING, nothing, nothing. it is the saddest thing ever. i thought that things looked bad when i was just in other parts of the city, but that place is nothing you can believe. and there are no words to describe it. everything is contaminated, even the houses that still are around are unliveable. and it's been six months since the hurricain hit.

if i can ever figure out how to put photos on, i will do so. i'll be down for a month working in a soup kitchen.

so the winter blues certainly got me down this year. i have been doing really bad for the past six weeks or so. i wish i could entirely blame it on just the winter blues, but it doesn't seem so coincidental that i ran out of pot right around the time that i started to get depressed.

i don't understand: all the stereotypes of people smoking pot are just exactly the opposite of what happens to me. when i smoke, i get motivated to do things; i clean the apartment, i take walks, i attend more yoga classes, i have lots of self-esteem. pot is one really easy way to make me enjoy the moment.

anyway, my depression was taking over, (lack of) pot-influenced or not. i felt stuck here in boston, not wanting to do anything, but at the same time, not feeling any pull to go do anything else. and i haven't been eating much at all or sleeping well. i do feel that my depression was starting to lift somewhat at least, i did go to two yoga classes and a dance class last week, and meditated once.

but things were getting really bad with evan (well, i didn't realize that until yesterday; i actually felt that we were o.k., not great, but not bad). but apparently, they were so bad that yesterday morning, when evan was leaving the apartment, the thought came to me, "evan doesn't love me any more." when i brought this up last night, he couldn't disagree. i guess my depression was one more bad moment between us and the foundation of our relationship just wasn't strong enough to make him still feel love for me.

we didn't break up or anything, but the future is very uncertain.

the past 24 hours have been weird. i tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. my mind was just racing due to the conversation with evan, and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i finally fell asleep around 4, but then i woke up at 5. i eventually slept from noon until 3 pm.

i went to a yoga class tonight--not the usual kind that i take: it was 95 degrees and a flow class, where i usually prefer classes that are not heated and are slower paced. but yoga was wonderful. it was exactly the right class for me. i became so centered, much more than i could have imagined to be in a time like this. i finally felt some bliss coming through. i am very glad that the bliss came through on my own (with no pot needed). i've actally been in a good mood ever since class. i do need to remember how much i enjoy doing yoga and keep doing it, especially when i am feeling down.

i've been having loads of fun in buffalo. last night, i went to the underground with (e:flacidness) and (e:terry). i have never been to a bar that literally had more drag queens than women. it was lots of fun to be a girl in a bar and not have to deal with anyone trying to hit on you.

the only non-fun part was that i tried to score some ganj, but the guy literally ran away with my money. luckily it was only 20 bucks. it was at least amusing to see him run away down the street.

i can't believe i stayed out until 5:30. i am way too hung over now, and i can't seem to fall asleep. at least wrapping my presents was a great way to not notice my hangover.

i spent all day christmas shopping for my family. it was lots of fun. i really don't get in to shopping, but this was fun to buy lots of gifts for other people. the presents look really pretty under the tree at PMT's house. i got the extra-fancy shiny wrapping paper.

i just remembered that when i was little, i had this fisher price person. i called him "pothead." i had no idea what that meant. how did my mother ever keep from laughing???

i have been doing very little, enjoying the slow pace of life.

winter has arrived. it was giving a few hints of coming soon, but i got caught up in the moment and enjoyed what we had. when it was summer in buffalo last month, i wore a tank top, a skirt, and sandles, and i got spring fever. it was so fun and just puts you in such a good mood! and then i was in north carolina and it was warm yet again at the end of november.

yesterday i woke up to see lots of snow covering everything. and it was so beautiful and i hung out in the park on sunday morning in the beautiful falling snow. i took a walk today and ate some snow, remembering having done the same with my three-year-old nephew, orizen last winter in buffalo.

I've been reading a book called "how to be idle" and i highly recommend it. i realize that i have about 99 percent of these skills in idleness. having been unemployed for 2 and a half years and living in an ashram for 10 months certainly have helped me develop this.

i read a chapter on napping yesterday (and proceeded to take a nap afterwards). at my last "real" job i used to take a nap every afternoon in the sick room, and also doing so in the public garden in the summer. my friend carl used to make fun of me when i would come back to work with grass marks all over my face from sleeping in the park. aaahhh, i love napping!