so the kitchen i'm working at is just south east of new orleans, in st. bernard's parish (that's what they call counties here). st. bernard's parish had 67,000 residents before katrina, and so far, fewer than 4,000 have returned.

i took a walk yesterday and found that it seemed like a ghost town. most of the houses around here are made of brick, so the outside is still standing, but there are piles of possessions, house parts, and insulation outside of every one of them. inside, all that remains are studs.

one woman i talk to said "i know that material possessions are not important, but when you go through your house and throw out everything, it is just heart breaking."

when i asked around to see what businesses had reopened, so far the parish has a number of bars (which is not good news, as alcoholism is suppposed to become an even bigger problem here than it already was), and the home depot just opened. not really anything else.

i have no idea how this city is going to rebuild. but at least i'm down here doing something, even if it feels so small in comparision to what people who live here have gone through.

many of the volunteers here are rainbow family, hippies that local people have not previously run in to. but there seems to be lots of love and communication between residents and volunteers, which is a good thing.

oh my god, i just got to new orleans today. you can't imagine how bad some parts are.

i'm not exaggerating, the ninth ward has blocks upon blocks of NOTHING, nothing, nothing. it is the saddest thing ever. i thought that things looked bad when i was just in other parts of the city, but that place is nothing you can believe. and there are no words to describe it. everything is contaminated, even the houses that still are around are unliveable. and it's been six months since the hurricain hit.

if i can ever figure out how to put photos on, i will do so. i'll be down for a month working in a soup kitchen.

so the winter blues certainly got me down this year. i have been doing really bad for the past six weeks or so. i wish i could entirely blame it on just the winter blues, but it doesn't seem so coincidental that i ran out of pot right around the time that i started to get depressed.

i don't understand: all the stereotypes of people smoking pot are just exactly the opposite of what happens to me. when i smoke, i get motivated to do things; i clean the apartment, i take walks, i attend more yoga classes, i have lots of self-esteem. pot is one really easy way to make me enjoy the moment.

anyway, my depression was taking over, (lack of) pot-influenced or not. i felt stuck here in boston, not wanting to do anything, but at the same time, not feeling any pull to go do anything else. and i haven't been eating much at all or sleeping well. i do feel that my depression was starting to lift somewhat at least, i did go to two yoga classes and a dance class last week, and meditated once.

but things were getting really bad with evan (well, i didn't realize that until yesterday; i actually felt that we were o.k., not great, but not bad). but apparently, they were so bad that yesterday morning, when evan was leaving the apartment, the thought came to me, "evan doesn't love me any more." when i brought this up last night, he couldn't disagree. i guess my depression was one more bad moment between us and the foundation of our relationship just wasn't strong enough to make him still feel love for me.

we didn't break up or anything, but the future is very uncertain.

the past 24 hours have been weird. i tried to sleep, unsuccessfully. my mind was just racing due to the conversation with evan, and trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i finally fell asleep around 4, but then i woke up at 5. i eventually slept from noon until 3 pm.

i went to a yoga class tonight--not the usual kind that i take: it was 95 degrees and a flow class, where i usually prefer classes that are not heated and are slower paced. but yoga was wonderful. it was exactly the right class for me. i became so centered, much more than i could have imagined to be in a time like this. i finally felt some bliss coming through. i am very glad that the bliss came through on my own (with no pot needed). i've actally been in a good mood ever since class. i do need to remember how much i enjoy doing yoga and keep doing it, especially when i am feeling down.

i've been having loads of fun in buffalo. last night, i went to the underground with (e:flacidness) and (e:terry). i have never been to a bar that literally had more drag queens than women. it was lots of fun to be a girl in a bar and not have to deal with anyone trying to hit on you.

the only non-fun part was that i tried to score some ganj, but the guy literally ran away with my money. luckily it was only 20 bucks. it was at least amusing to see him run away down the street.

i can't believe i stayed out until 5:30. i am way too hung over now, and i can't seem to fall asleep. at least wrapping my presents was a great way to not notice my hangover.

i spent all day christmas shopping for my family. it was lots of fun. i really don't get in to shopping, but this was fun to buy lots of gifts for other people. the presents look really pretty under the tree at PMT's house. i got the extra-fancy shiny wrapping paper.

i just remembered that when i was little, i had this fisher price person. i called him "pothead." i had no idea what that meant. how did my mother ever keep from laughing???