Today is the anniversary of both my grandfather's deaths. I was OK, most of the day. Well as can be expected when you're sick! I watched Missing Persons and some little kid in me remembered that there was something I needed to make sure I didn't forget. It is usually a rough day every year. I was very close to both my grandfather's.

I recently watched The NeverEnding Story II The Next Chapter. Cheesy maybe, but either way Bastian knew the importance of a memory. Some days memories are the only thing that get you through the day. Some good, some bad or just unusual. My family has gotten really small and I really miss my grandparents. All of them have past on to live another life somewhere out there. I love them. I miss them. I have grieved. I have been angry. I have been sad. I just miss the fact that I can't hug them!

Something so simple. A hug. Something we take for granted. There is a comfort in the embrace of someone we trust and love unconditionally and knowing it is returned. Family matters. I have tried to explain it before to other people and for all my verbosity I don't think I can ever articulate what I feel. I was in their lives for a very short time considering the span of their lives. I was blessed. I knew them both well. Very different in personality and ideas, but they both had fierce hearts and loved life and their families. I am honored to have known the light from the flames their souls brought to this life.

Sometimes I wish I had all the wisdom of their life experiences to make it through all the rough spots in my life. And then this stupid thing pops up... I was lucky enough to know my grandparents. I do not think that will be true of my children and I grieve for a loss that only the future will answer and yet this fear / grief feels solid and certain.

So here I sit spilling tears over the past and the future. When will we ever learn, right Gramps? We are supposed to celebrate their life and the accomplishments of their lives, one of which was me.

I love you and carry you in my heart and I will always remember!

I am highly annoyed with being sick so much this year. Teaching gives a whole new meaning to endurance, when it comes to ones health. I am now having regular visits to my doctor, not one of my favorite things. I figure more than 2 visits a year is too much and I am already there due to this infection/virus whatever it is. I felt decent at the beginning of this weekend. I took a small visit out of town for something important to me and my sanity. Came home Sunday, relax chilled out, everything is cool. Woke up this morning like I have the worst hang over in the world and nothing is helping except sleep. UG!
Light and sound feel like torturous things that were made just to make me wince. My head is pounding as if I were wearing a crown that was too tight, or maybe a vice made of metal unforgiving in squishing my brains to mush. Food is only taking the edge off. I hope I don't wake up with this hangover feeling. I really want to have fun with my kids tomorrow and can't help the feeling like this is only some half-life of my former healthy self.

My mom and I have a long standing tradition to sing midnight mass for the choir we belong to and I tried to take pictures with our digital camera, which I am learning how to use.

Unexpectedly I was invited to see A Tribute to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers at the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra. It was a wonderful evening of beautiful music and toe tapping songs with amazing dancers dancing in the same style during the war eras. Jody Hess was an wonderful sight to see. Kirby Ward had an amazing ability to copy Fred Astaire's mannerisms and dance style.

The tenor at the beginning of the show gave a round of applause to all the veterans in the audience and I was highly impressed. That era was an entire different society, but a time when boys danced with girls and romance was a dream everyone desired. Beautiful dresses, dance steps, songs that stayed in your mind, and the thought of someone special right in the front of your happy moments. It was also a time of war, loss and people just trying to keep it together. People who enjoyed good cultural distractions and it maybe me realize just how much I miss the stories my grandparents would talk about "when we were your age..."

I got the opportunity to talk to Jodi Bensen AKA Ariel in the Little Mermaid. She was very down-to-earth and signed my program. What a great voice!

When I was a little girl and dreamed of being a dancer. Fred Astaire was my role model. He was plain to look at, but extraordinary when the music qued. A Hollywood producer was quoted saying "He can't sing, can't act, balding, can dance so-so." Just goes to show you what technology did for an entire era. When movies hit it big, so did Astaire and Rogers! Musical movies. Wonder what would happen if they put reality television with a movie musical...

Enjoy the Silence.

Once upon a dream
I thought I knew you
Every smile, every glance...
I thought I could
Trust you with my heart
So I took a chance.

I bore my soul
I want you to know
I said what I have to say...
I gave you my raw emotions
Ten years of friendship
And you threw it away.

Now on this day, an anniversary
I honor what we once had
A friendship that most would die for...
I send you silent wishes
"Love never dies, it only fades away"
Moments lost, now only thoughts to cry for.

I'll send you no birthday card
No hallmark greeting
Since you walked away...
We once shared - something
Our hearts once sang,
Now there is silence here today.

Di M Rivera © 2005,12th of November @ 11:25am