Rosemary how is it that life got so busy I missed your passing. Here I am a month later, missing you, crying for you, crying for me. Did you really know what an amazing woman you were? Did you know I miss hearing from you? Did you know I missed saying goodbye? I am so sorry that my last hug wasn't more of a potent memory. And thank you for making me a special person on a special night. Thank you for believing me. I am going to miss the sound of your voice... and your way of saying things... and seeing you at the back of a room smiling at me...

Crying really affects ones ability to proceed, even when you are journaling.

Death always hurts
a little deeper,
an extended ache
reaching past the physical
into this deepest
most private
part of our emotions
when it is someone
you love!
© Di M Rivera @ 11:15am 2005 Monday 10-17

I am going to miss you.
I am going to miss your smile.
I am going to miss your voice.
I am going to miss your personality.
I am going to miss your thoughts.
I am going to miss your creativity.
I am going to miss your concern.
I am going to miss your questions.
I am going to miss your cooking.
I am going to miss your home.
I am going to miss your messages.
I am going to miss your poetry.
But all of these you left
As memories shared with you
that as long as I remember you
You will always be there
Where ever I am
in my mind, in my heart and in my soul.
© Di M Rivera @ 11:30am 2005 Monday 10-17

You are gone
Traveling to the unknown
Having an adventure
Reaching to your limits
Surpassing knowledge
And experiencing for yourself
What it means to have an afterlife.

So why does Death humble us so?
Why do we ache for what we should celebrate?
Why do we wish for your presence here?
Why are we so selfish, can't I let you go?
You went before me, you had the courage to let go.
How do I?

Everyday this earth is a different place.
Elmwood will be bleaker this winter,
just because I won't run into you.
Your little person made the difference
in every life, person and friend
you had the pleasure of getting to know.
You enjoyed our lives, shared our pain,
Felt our sorrow, excited by our joy,
Experienced our happiness, worried with us,
And were elated by our victories.
You were a blessing.
I am blest for having had the honor
Of being one you called friend,
Of having your respect and
Your unwavering faith in my abilities.

Journey on, my friend.
I'll see you on the other side!
© Di M Rivera @11:45 am 2005 Monday 10-17

You never know where life will lead you. It was your normal every average work a day in the neighborhood sort of morning with 12 people wanting something from you in an unrealistic time frame and me with the it will get done WHEN it gets done perspective.

I even let go of one of my own deadlines and decided to just go with the flow. Fluid-day. Classes came and went. Cool moments, fun moments, not so fun moments, lots of emotional floaty moments... Lunch finally arrives... Today was a hungry day and me with my roman noodles as a back up for being too lazy last night to make a lunch... onto greener pastures and gineapigs. Bus Duty. Papers to correct and dead tired. Home. Dinner. Feet hurt... slowing down... need to go see dad at the skilled nursing facility... oh god - i am not going to make it... We get there it is a full house! Visit, laugh, bitch, moan, tell stories, share ideas, plan evil ways to torture offensive people, all in all - make each other laugh and know we are not alone in the good fight. Home. Too awake to settle in for TV watching. Too awake for surfing the net. Needed to sum up - in little less than half and hour Princess Buttercup will marry... oops wrong class!

I am thankful for blessed people who share their blessings with us in mysterious ways!

Fighting Temptations Soundtrack has a song that I play over in my mind when I have had an especially trying day... I feel blest!

It was a good day, time to crochet - got to get to making the x-mas presents, they do take time!

There is something inside me that is struggling. It feels very broken, just now. It seems that on every front that there is a battle going on. Frankly I am tired of fighting. I've been in this tired of fighting stage for 15 years. Saturn, Let me go! PLEASE!
My dad is in the hospital again. Surgery went well. He still has his toe! This is good and he is at a health care facility that sent me back to my teenager hood when my great grandmother was in a nursing home. These people moved like molasses yesterday. The attitude that they are old, so they can wait. SHIT! I hope they reach 70-80-90 they receive that very same attitude. HOW RUDE!
My neighbors or the tenants that live in the same house as me really need to have a wake up call. They are rude. The doors to the house are always open, front and back door! There are always people coming and going. The apartment they live in should not have a constant 10 people living in the apartment. They have company between 1 AM and 6 AM. Their company always knocks on the window, the door and rings my doorbell trying to get to their friends. I really am at my wits end with the whole issue.
Work. I do not care where you work. People are always going to be people. Why do co-workers need to approach each other with such disregard for respect and professionalism? I don't know about you, but when someone comes at me full force attitude waving like a battle battalion over their head - I am going to take the defensive because I feel like I am being attacked. Instead why can't they just walk up to you and say; I was thinking could I have a moment of your time to discuss an important matter to me... You might be interested in.... Did you know that... Would it be possible... - and the list can go on and on and on... The point being that if they want to ACTUALLY get the cooperation they seek they need to approach each other with a modicum of respect and treat each other like equals.
Due to my home situation I have been spending a great deal of time at my parents, one to help my mother with the care-taking of my terminal ill father. The other to stay away from the house until the landlord does something. This seriously limits my ability to be independent and have my own downtime and do things at my own pace, and yet is strangely comforting about being able to be with my parents. Yet I am happy that it will be temporary.
My father does worry me, though. When he is in high spirits he will fight the world and be a survivor. Yet, he can a deep level of depression, that is hard to help him out of, or even be supportive, because mom and I are not going through what he is. And as I have posted before I can't handle losing a parent right now!
Change is a funny thing, for the most part I can go with the flow and be flexible. Sometimes it's a wicked mistress that tempts you to go past your comfort zone and allows you to become someone else usually smaller than you are and you are not sure how to balance this experience.

After my first full week of work I came home and slept for several hours. Life has really been interesting as of late on many levels. I have decided I am a workaholic. So when I come home and just become one with the couch I begin to realize that I need to balance my time.

Trying to get the energy to get up a move is really difficult and I have one really special friend counting on me to get up and move. I have somewhere to be in less than and hour. I need to finish organizing some stuff and then I need to get dressed and go and I was hoping journalling would get me to move.

I really love rain. Most of the time I enjoy sitting and watching the rain and just connecting with the universe. Usually peaceful and cleansing moments evole to journal writing and meditation. Basically quiet time and I have a hard time giving up moments like that when the real work a day reality severs my moment and causes me to have to be social or keep an appointment.

How do you know when you schedule something that your not going to want to do it when the time comes. Actually I just want to be in my quiet space. I think that has to do with the vary fact I work with kids all week and I NEED my quiet time. It is very valuable to me. The rain doesn't help.

Ok. There is someone counting on me to do something so I need to go do it. I really need to post more often.

YOU will get it!
Last summer before I went camping I said to the universe with the utmost confidence, with the I-Know-What-I-Want-Request. I simply stated to the universe I want to get laid.
The Universe in it's ultimate wisdom and incorrigible humor answered me in ways I never expected.
After 3 weeks of being in Nature with other Nature "lovers" I had the great honor of being asked by 12 different couples to join them in there love making ventures as the guest star to their sexual partnered family. Now this group of couples was quite diverse and I doubt highly that they knew the others or they had had something of a common interest. I spent 3 days deliberating over the requests and made a very real enlightened moment.
I had realized that I had very distinct wants and needs met that had very little to do with getting laid, but more to do with cosmic connections, loving relationships, genuine friendships and a need to better understand myself in terms of what attracted me sexually and what made me step out of myself and ask another human being to be in a very private part of my existence.
Last year I wrote fifteen pages front and back of very specific things I desired in a lover/mate/relationship. I left it alone like all good writing, so that I could get some space from it, to gain a little perspective.
This year I went camping and I was very specific with my requests. See I lost my male best friend and I so need a male perspective to balance me and the other was to get reacquainted with a specific person I enjoyed his company greatly. The results were interesting. The week before I left I had a friend who wanted to introduce me to someone she felt I would get along with on many levels, but she lost his information. After a lengthy discussion of future events I told her where I was camping and she sent me on a mission to make contact with this friend. We did get along. We shall see. I ran into the now ex-girlfriend of the specific person I was interested in getting reacquainted with and discovered that this year had been difficult on him and he was unable to come camping. We have exchanged email information in order to keep in touch. Yet I met wonderful people that have the great potential to become life long friends... I got more specific and the universe became more vague and lets us make more choices in the directions we think we would like to experience life from. Every step, our own choice... Empowering - Scary - and cosmically cool!
So the moral of my story IS: Be Careful What You Wish for - You Will Get It! Be as specific as you need to be, but remember the results are in direct connection with how much effort you put into your request.