This entry has been about 3 days in the making.
There's a postcard in front of me with pictures of Kim Catrall, Adrian Brody, and Anne Hathaway on it. Everytime I look at it, part of me screams inside.
And that's what I've got to write about.

When I was 12, I was in a play at my school called The Dreamer. I played the Pharaoh. It was basically a much more religious version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamer. I remember how surprised my mom was that I wanted to audition for it...I wasn't much of a talker and was always describes as shy, and this surprised her. I don't remember why I auditioned...I think it was because my 2 best friends at the time, Christina and Jill, were auditioning, too.
A year after I did that, I sat in the living room with my mom and quite unexpectedly blurted out that I wanted to be an actress. My mom laughed and blamed it on Jill, because she was the resident actress amongst the group. (If you're reading this, my apologies for my mother...) I tried to explain why I wanted this, but she didn't get it. Which I didn't understand. My mother still has her Senior play that she stared in at the Mount listed as one of her greatest experiences, and she married a theatre person herself. I remember her telling my dad my revelation, and he told me that it was nice to dream about, and even ok to do, but not to quit my day job. He told me to go get a nice solid background, for instance, teaching, and do theatre on the side.
So for the next two years I worked on absolutely nothing. Then two opportunities came up. The first was an Explorer post at the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre. My parents thought it would look good on college applications and encouraged me to join. This is where I not only developed my love of theatre, but met my allies in the world...inparticular, Katy, Michael, and Rose. In my junior year of high school, BET offered me the directorial position for a play called "Stolen Childhood," and I took it. Also that year, my school had a one-act play festival. I had always wanted to write a play, so I did. And I directed it too.
That was the beginning of the end.
You can't show someone their greatest desire, and then take it from them. My parents tried...my parents failed.
So I worked with BET for five years. I was Treasurer, then VP, then President and Junior Leader. It was my home away from home. I would still give anything just to do one more show there. But my masterpiece, so far, is the last I did there...it was called "Long December," and was about a boy and the girl who loved, and consequently, hated him as well. in other words, it was me and Michael. And it was written, directed, and produced by yours truly. And to this day I have the email he sent me after watching the tape saved to my computer, because nothing was ever better than his opinion of it. I could win a Tony tomorrow and it wouldn't mean nearly as much as that email from Mike did...
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Junior year I received a pamphlet from the American Academy of the Dramatic Arts, henceforth referred to as AADA. I kept it. Everything else got thrown out when I went to D'youville. But I kept that. Because I had a dream, and as my dad says, It's nice to have dreams...
In my Senior year, after 3 years of trying out for every play and musical at SHA and being rejected, I got a part in Stage Door. And that was when I finally realized how much I needed the whole thing.
Eventually I left SHA, I left BET, I did some work for D'Youville (where I was attending for...er...teaching. and then left cuz that was bullshit.) and The Virginia Shakespeare Company, and I started working for the Colloquial Theatre, which has just ended it's second season and is on hiatus until December. I worked on 5 of their 6 shows, and hope to do more. I want to start my own company, and perform my own work, which I intend
to
do this year...that is, if I find enough donors and actors and help in general.
But I love the theatre so much. I love writing plays. I love directing them.
But I am a whore for the spotlight.
When I'm on that stage...I never feel as good as I do then, and I doubt much could make me feel better.

But I found that info from AADA. And there's a part of me...a very old part of me that was shocked by how it felt to really be in the spotlight for the first time when i was 12, a part of me that never quite let go of the dreams Jill and I had of taking off to NYC or Hollywood after high school, the part of me that did a cartwheel when I got a part in Stage Door, the part of me that had a nervous breakdown during tech week and was magically healed by an opening night, the part of me that sacrificed my literal blood sweat and tears for BET...
That part of me is wondering: "What are you waiting for?"
And I honestly don't know.
Money? Yes, and no. Tuition, should I be lucky enough to worry about it, I could find a way to make work. I do need $50 for application fees and someone to take me to NYC for the weekend for an audition, but even that I can probably figure out. I do have some pretty fantastic friends and family.
Fear of rejection? It's there, but not like I would think. If I applied to AADA, it would only be applying there. There would be no pressure that I wouldn't get in anywhere, because that's it. If I didn't get in, what would change? Nothing. But I could say I did it.
Support? Hardly. I told my mom about it and she said "So do it." And shrugged and walked away, which, if you know my mom, is an incredibly positive reaction. Katy, despite her hatred of people leaving, wants me to. Victoria practically demanded I apply. Same with Rick.
I really want to.
But I am really going to need the support to do it. And I am going to need someone to go to NYC with me and calm me down before and after my audition. And I am going to need someone to hug me and let me cry if I don't get it. And I am going to need someone to dance around like a fool with me if I do.
Because after a while, no matter how much you want something, you become comfortable without it. And I am afraid that's what I am.
I don't know.

I talked to Vivie about it. And Katy. I should talk to Mike, and Rose. Then my 4 biggest theatrical influences would be covered.
I just don't know.

If anyone cares, please give me an opinion...should I stay or should I go?

Went with Victoria to go see "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom" at BUA tonight...very good, even if it did involve Michael Karr in spandex...::shudders at the thought of it::
I hate seeing people I knew when I was very little and Dad worked at the Kavinoky. I always get this kind of "Aren't you still 6 years old?" look from them. So tonight Ijust kinda kept my mouth shut and my head down so that no one recognized me...of course, the fact that I am now 21, not 6, does make for a nice mask...

I CANT FEEL MY FEET.
When I (quite literally) stumbled in the door this evening, Mom asked me how Warped Tour was.
"Well, im hot, im sunburned, im tired, im hungry, im thirsty cuz i got dehydrated and they ran out of beverages, and it cost 3.50 for a bottle of water anyways, rick was over an hour late picking me up and the traffic was so bad that on the thruway it was one big game of musical cars, we got there really late, i was a goddamned pack-mule considering that in my pockets i had my money, my cigs, my lighter, my id, a bunch of stickers, some flyers, ricks ring, ricks phone, and ricks keys, i think i have sewage in my system due to unsafe water fountains, theres so much dust in my system that when i blow my nose, it's black, i can't walk, think, or barely even speak, rick got pick-pocketted, there were 100,000 people there so we kept losing everyone and I left my xanax in the car, my head hurts, my feet hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, i think i have sunstroke, and now there's a crick in my neck cuz I fell asleep in the car.
But it was worth it."

On a side note, I completely forgot what it was like to be in Rick's van with all the seats in place.

I came home and ate and showered and put on PJ's which make a huge difference altogether, so now I feel better.

Meanwhile...It really was great. Exhausting, and clearly facing massisve doom, but great. I feel bad tho that Rick lost his money and credit cards and such. But other than that, and a mysterious beverage shortage, it was a blast. We heard Anti-Flag, Sugarcult (who were awesome), Billy Talent (also awesome), Bowling for Soup (my favoritest), some of New Found Glory's set, and Flogging Molly (Who were absofuckingloutly AMAZING.)
My eyes hurt from the dust, my legs and feet hurt from the walking, my glasses hurt from getting stopmed on, and the rest of me hurts from being stuck inside a various mosh pits.

But I gotta say...it was worth it. ;)

Yay!
I got an email from Aquila saying that she is there and all is well...and that she was asleep when Rick and I were staking her house out at 4am.
So this made me happy.

Ka came for dinner, which was depressing, because she wanted to play Uno but she forgot how. we used to play this all the time and i never really thought she'd forget how. mom and doctors and stuff keep saying she's getting better but i don't really believe them...
I'd rather not talk about that.

After dinner I went swing dancing with Matt, Julia, Kate P., and a couple of their friends, and that was deffly fun. Mostly Julia and I stood outside screaming about stupidity.
"It's the apartment...it has to be. It breeds stupidity. We need to stop falling in loe with boys in that apartment."~Me
"Maybe it's the sheets. You know that commercial about the bed sheets, with the whole 'youre sleeping in body soil' thing?? Maybe it's like that. Maybe it's in the sheets..."~Kate P.

It was a pretty good evening. Felt good to blow off a weeks worth of steam...

I'm tired now. Dancing makes me sleepy. I should dance more. I still can't believe i went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 1. i havent slept that long in almost a year. so i think i will finish my online nonsense and go watch the rest of AiA and then get soem sleep.
and dad taped "something the lord made" for me, too. which i must say, anything alan rickman is always the high point of the day.

unless there's pudding, of course.

I was told to go inside the house, go to sleep, and not go online or write...at all.
I don't take direction well.

So...today...
today was...um, there is no word. the best i've got is craptastic.

i woke up, tlaked to katy, fell asleep, woke up, tlaked to aquila, fell asleep, woke up, ate toast, watched part of angels in america, updated journal, watched more AiA, worked on my play and discovered that the unfinished first act is already, like, 58 pages. i took a bath cuz my back hurt, then a shower cuz i hate after-bath residue, then i got dressed and made aquila's present, then found out my parents threw out my warped tour ticket, and then went to pick up katy.
we drove to aquila's, there was extensive tears when katy foudn out keela isn't coming back til thanksgiving, for which she will be in boston, thus they wont see each other til christmas. we walked to the tropical bakery and got these thingys with meat and cheese in them, which were good, then went back to keelas, where katys mom picked her up and they said goodbye.
then we went to aquila's friend rachels house and had birthday cake, and hung out there until her mom called yelling, and rick showed up around 11:30. so we said our goodbyes in the street in front of her house, and i tried my hardest not to cry. and so she went inside, and that was that.
rick and i get in the car and he suggests a movie so we drive to regal, which is closed by now, then to putt-putt to play arcade games. that killed about a half hour. so we went to the apartmemt and woke up lillis, and hung out there for a bit, then went to pano's, then back to the apartment where we disscussed various theatrics and toms unfortunate love life, thus leading us both to realize we have never written a happy ending. i said i don't believe in happy endedings (i believe in mediocre ones) and rick started fighting with me about that. in fact, most of the evening was us bickering. so then we left and got in a fight about the proper use of the word "miniature" until i felt like my brain was about to explode. so at 4am we found ourselves outside keela's house, car seats pulled all the way back, attempting to both fall asleep and be alert enough to notice if she came out of the house. mostly we just talked and observed her family loading the car. then it was about 4:30, and we realized that sleep was nessecery as we were both about to pass out, and said goodbye to the front of her house and then left.
in the car on the way home, i started crying. and then suddenly i hear "and i make you smile, its like a drug for you, do whatever you wanna do, coming over you. keep on smiling what we go thru...etc." and i look and realize that is not in fact the radio but rick singing to cheer me up.
and i cried more, because i remembered the other reason i was upset.
whats strange is that I REMEBERED i was upset. there had been several references to suh things throughout the night, but it was mostly me irritating him for the sake of irrtating him. all in all...i had a relativly good time, despite the sadness at keela's departure. i never thought that rick and i could comfortably hang out minus the quad after all the shit that happened. apparently, i was wrong. (perhaps i shouldn't have the words "i was wrong" in black and white solid proof....) so then we got to my house, i was ordered to go straight to bed and not go online, and that brings us to now.

the past few days have been so insane, that i don't even have the word processing ability to adaquatly express my feelings about everything right now.

all i have to say is that i am amazed by the saying "when it rains, it pours."
I swear we came up with that line in one of our former lives.

so here stands music to express my thoughts, more or less.
my head hurts.

<i>"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here out
si
de your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die..."


"Go if you want to
I never tried to stop you
Know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling...
Me I don't show much
Its not that hard to hide you...
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more...
You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else
Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you...
Couldnt ever love me more
I couldn't love you more
You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to fly not stop and start...
Maybe we didn't understand
Not just a boy and a girl
Its just the end of the
end of the world
Me i don't say much
Its far too hard to make you
See in a moment
I still forget just how to
Be...
I couldn't ever love you more..."</i>


also....
I can think of about 1000 reasons this song should be on the next quad mix cd. of all the depressing love songs in the world that apply to us, i think this one does everyone the most justice.

<i>"Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time."</i>