Let's see...what have I done this week...

Thursday: Molly and I went a-protesting. I have slight nervous break down while on phone with Katy.
Friday: Found out one of my friends has ceased speaking to me because she is petty and childish and dosen't actually ASK me for the truth. Molly left for Colorado, Jaime shows up with her car which has an exploded tire in the trunk.
Saturday: Go to dinner with Katy, Sam, Rick, Tom, and Justin. Go to party after, then drive Katy and Sam home, then go to liquor store, return to party, proceed to get very very drunk, make peace treaty with Justin, have convo with Rick that I forgot but remember enough of so that when he told me how it went alter, i thought "Hell no..."
Sunday: Wake up uncomfortable, freezing, and hungover. Wake up Rick to drive me home cuz I need meds, go back to sleep once i get home, wake up, visit with Ka, eat dinner, get picked up by Andy and Will, go to Molly's house for Game Night with them, James, Chels, and Matt. Developed difficult problem.
Monday: Had dinner with parents, Jaime came over, then left to pick up Molly from airport, then both returned and we hung out for a bit til i got too tired and kicked them out.
Tuesday: Wake up early cuz of road work on street behind me, watched dawsons creek, consequently figured out answer to difficult problem.
Wednesday: Took Bernie to see The Princess Diaries 2, came home, ate dinner, went out with Molly. Came home, went online, talked to Tom for 2 hours.
Today: Did nothing. Seriously. I called Rick. I talked to Jaime. And I played computer games and slept. Seriously. Nothing.

This right here is me updating for the sake of updating, because I am bored and restless and need something to do...

What is this?

Last night I went on a rant to Katy about how I hated technology because my finger hurt. And I wrote something in here about that too a couple days ago.
Seriously though, I hate it right now.

I want to hear the phone ring. I want to hear the doorbell ring. I want real conversations with real people, where you can hear their voice or see their face or just connect to them in a way that isn't sterile and automated and generic and computerized...
I think it's because of the "easy" things, like email and instant messaging and such, that we lose touch with reality, and in turn, real people, thus destroying communication. For instance...can you hear a person laugh online? No, we type "lol," even if we don't actually "laugh out loud." We abbreviate a language that has evolved into this wonderful form of expression, and we turn it into a meaningless strand of letters to describe how we feel. It isn’t even WORDS.
It's all about hearing.
You can't hear a person laugh, you can't hear them cry, you can't hear their emotions, or the sarcasm in their voice, or the sadness, or excitement...all you see are words, beautiful as they are, but not holding as much meaning as they would were they coming out of someone’s mouth.
I know how hypocritical it is to write about this in my blog.
But I'll admit, I do it too.
This afternoon I was debating making a phone call, and decided I would just talk to the person online later...what is that?? I feel like I can't call a person, because it's so much easier to think thru what you're typing in an IM? It's the screw-ups and the stuttering and the Freudian slips that make things great, so why would you opt for a spell checker robot to help you be a real person?
I see this amongst my friends, especially lately. The lack of communication turns into misconceptions and then the next thing you know, arguments break out. And then everybody’s IM-ing everyone else with “WTF,� but nobody ever picks up the phone and calls someone and says “WHAT THE FUCK.�
Be angry, be happy, be sad, be silly, be depressed, be excited…but be it in person.

Ok. I think I'm done now.

Well.
That's that.
I made a decision.

After a 45 minute fight with the parentals, I finally got them to agree, given some guidelines.
1. I must make the trip to NYC on a very tight budget.
2. I must find a new shrink tomorrow and go see her diligently for one year.
3. I must find someone to take me to NYC, since while my parents support this, they don't want to have to deal with it.

So tomorrow I call Sacred Heart and D'Youville, and I need to find a personal reference, mail the application, and then schedule an audition date.

This is why I love my friends:
Victoria is letting me stay with her, may be writing me my dramatic reference, is on my ass about getting everythign in, and will no doubt help with my monolouges.
Rick is driving me to NYC.
Victoria is going to get Bill to let Rick stay with him.
Katy is my one-woman support group.
Jaime is taking my headshots.
Will has declared thqt he will do anything to get me to apply.
Even Duffy has urged me to do this.

So I am.

I'm scared. Really, really scared. But then, happy, too. Happy that I am finally doign something I have wanted to do since I was 14 and first heard of AADA. And now I'm actually applying there.
I don't know what I'll do if I get it.
Oy.

WAR.

Three little letters. Harmless, right?
There’s a million different kinds of war. I will be focusing on three tonight. The war against terrorism. Inter-office war. And the war on drugs.

1. War Against Terrorism.
We all know what a load of bullshit I think this is. But that’s not what I'm writing for...Molly and I have, for once, joined our forces for good instead of evil. She is making a documentary for school and asked for my help. “Still Looking for a Superhero� is the name of it. The documentary will focus on misrepresentation in the media and general wartime propaganda, and how now it is at an all time high. Basically, it’s about how patriotism is the ultimate propaganda. Now, I am patriotic, I love my country, I love my rights and freedoms…I just think that if I see one more “Support our Troops� yellow ribbon bumper sticker, I’m going to vomit. It’s not that I don’t support the troops…quite the contrary. However, I do not fully support the cause they are fighting for, and I do not support the conditions they fight under, and I certainly don’t support the suppression of freedoms that the media uses to convey that we are all doing just fine…cuz we’re not, and they know it, and they’re keeping it from us. I DESPISE the repression of the obvious, which is why I agreed to help with this project.
So tomorrow we are going to an Anti-Bush rally (Symphony Circle, 4pm) to gather info…and scream about GWB.

2. Inter-Office War, AKA War Against Good Education
I talked to Jaime today. She saw Sharissa at the mall today and got a Sacred Heart update…and I am fucking furious. I must issue the disclaimer that I have not yet had the chance to check my source, but Sharissa is a pretty reasonable one, so this is all most likely true. In the course of my four years there, I had four amazingly invaluable teachers…in the sense that I don’t think there could possibly four teachers as good as these anywhere in the world. One, Mrs. Halm, taught me freshman lit, and she left the following year, so this has nothing to do with her. However…not only have Sr. Edith, Sr. Connie, Mrs. Shear, Mrs. Doherty, and Mrs. Sacalowski been “removed� one way or another from the school, but they are waging war against the three teachers I have left there. The demoted Maloney. They tried to get rid of Marcyann. They tried to get rid of V.
The latter of which they could have disposed of years ago but didn’t, because Connie knew that Sr. Terri was a nutcase. And now, here he is, having just faced being canned, and putting him self on the line…because he wants to be principal.
Yeah, Beans…you read that right…
My thoughts? Who the hell gets rid of the three best teachers a school has, and expects everyone to be cool about it? Apparently, those teachers that told me to stand up for what I believed in, are doing just that. And so will we.
So next Friday Molly and I are going in there with three objectives. 1. Try to get V to talk to her for the documentary. 2. Put in a request for my transcripts. 3. Find the “acting principal� and ask WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.
This may seem stupid to most. But if the three people I credit most with my educational development are all on the verge of losing their jobs, after helping me, and countless others, navigate the halls of that hell-hole they call a school, well…damnit…I want to know why.

3. War Against Drugs
This is the most surprising thing today, even more than the whole SHA thing…
Everyone knows Doug, or knows of him. My relationship with Doug is a lot like mine and Katy’s, in that both are completely indefinable. He simply exists, as do I, and we simply care for each more than we would normally. So today, when I found out just where he has been for the past month, I almost cried, because I was so proud, and so happy.
Dougie just got back from rehab.
No more coke, no
m
ore smack, no more me being worried about him or ending up walking him down Main St. at 3am while he is half naked and singing. No more being afraid to have fun in case he needs help. No more babysitting.
No more.
Molly and I crashed band practice…for the first time since the original grouping of Lurid 5 years ago, I sat in on band practice. Nick and I were cordial, at best. Duane and I hung out a bit. I still hate Gabe. I met the new roommate.
And I almost tackled Doug when he told me where he had been.
When we left, this exchange took place:
“Are you coming back?�
“Tonight?�
“No, just in general. When are you coming back again, to hang out? I miss you.�
“Well, Molly is out of town this weekend so maybe next week.�
“If you can come sooner that would be cool.�
“I’ll see.�
::hugs me, kisses me, hugs me again::
“Stop by any time ok?�
“Ok. Hey…I’m really proud of you.�
“Thanks. That’s important to me.�
“Sober Doug is Good Doug.�
“Eh, well, you know...anyway, I'll see you later...love you.�
“I know. See you later.�

Like, I was almost doing cartwheels, I was so happy for him. Sober Doug is a good Doug, and I hope he stays that way.

So there’s my day.
And this: If you think you should be fighting for or against something, like truly in your heart feel it…do it. I guarantee that if you don’t, you’ll have a lifetime of regret. So fight to get what you truly want, no matter what it is. You might not get it, but then at least you can say you gave it your absolute best shot.

Peace.
~Brig

"Don't wanna be an American idiot.
Don't want a nation that under the new media.
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mindfuck America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Well maybe I'm the faggot America.
I'm not a part of a redneck agenda.
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you.
Don't wanna be an American idiot.
One nation controlled by the media.
Information nation of hysteria.
It's going out to idiot America.
Welcome to a new kind of tension.
All across the alien nation.
Everything isn't meant to be okay.
Television dreams of tomorrow.
We're not the ones who're meant to follow.
Convincing them to walk you."~Green Day

This entry has been about 3 days in the making.
There's a postcard in front of me with pictures of Kim Catrall, Adrian Brody, and Anne Hathaway on it. Everytime I look at it, part of me screams inside.
And that's what I've got to write about.

When I was 12, I was in a play at my school called The Dreamer. I played the Pharaoh. It was basically a much more religious version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamer. I remember how surprised my mom was that I wanted to audition for it...I wasn't much of a talker and was always describes as shy, and this surprised her. I don't remember why I auditioned...I think it was because my 2 best friends at the time, Christina and Jill, were auditioning, too.
A year after I did that, I sat in the living room with my mom and quite unexpectedly blurted out that I wanted to be an actress. My mom laughed and blamed it on Jill, because she was the resident actress amongst the group. (If you're reading this, my apologies for my mother...) I tried to explain why I wanted this, but she didn't get it. Which I didn't understand. My mother still has her Senior play that she stared in at the Mount listed as one of her greatest experiences, and she married a theatre person herself. I remember her telling my dad my revelation, and he told me that it was nice to dream about, and even ok to do, but not to quit my day job. He told me to go get a nice solid background, for instance, teaching, and do theatre on the side.
So for the next two years I worked on absolutely nothing. Then two opportunities came up. The first was an Explorer post at the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre. My parents thought it would look good on college applications and encouraged me to join. This is where I not only developed my love of theatre, but met my allies in the world...inparticular, Katy, Michael, and Rose. In my junior year of high school, BET offered me the directorial position for a play called "Stolen Childhood," and I took it. Also that year, my school had a one-act play festival. I had always wanted to write a play, so I did. And I directed it too.
That was the beginning of the end.
You can't show someone their greatest desire, and then take it from them. My parents tried...my parents failed.
So I worked with BET for five years. I was Treasurer, then VP, then President and Junior Leader. It was my home away from home. I would still give anything just to do one more show there. But my masterpiece, so far, is the last I did there...it was called "Long December," and was about a boy and the girl who loved, and consequently, hated him as well. in other words, it was me and Michael. And it was written, directed, and produced by yours truly. And to this day I have the email he sent me after watching the tape saved to my computer, because nothing was ever better than his opinion of it. I could win a Tony tomorrow and it wouldn't mean nearly as much as that email from Mike did...
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Junior year I received a pamphlet from the American Academy of the Dramatic Arts, henceforth referred to as AADA. I kept it. Everything else got thrown out when I went to D'youville. But I kept that. Because I had a dream, and as my dad says, It's nice to have dreams...
In my Senior year, after 3 years of trying out for every play and musical at SHA and being rejected, I got a part in Stage Door. And that was when I finally realized how much I needed the whole thing.
Eventually I left SHA, I left BET, I did some work for D'Youville (where I was attending for...er...teaching. and then left cuz that was bullshit.) and The Virginia Shakespeare Company, and I started working for the Colloquial Theatre, which has just ended it's second season and is on hiatus until December. I worked on 5 of their 6 shows, and hope to do more. I want to start my own company, and perform my own work, which I intend
to
do this year...that is, if I find enough donors and actors and help in general.
But I love the theatre so much. I love writing plays. I love directing them.
But I am a whore for the spotlight.
When I'm on that stage...I never feel as good as I do then, and I doubt much could make me feel better.

But I found that info from AADA. And there's a part of me...a very old part of me that was shocked by how it felt to really be in the spotlight for the first time when i was 12, a part of me that never quite let go of the dreams Jill and I had of taking off to NYC or Hollywood after high school, the part of me that did a cartwheel when I got a part in Stage Door, the part of me that had a nervous breakdown during tech week and was magically healed by an opening night, the part of me that sacrificed my literal blood sweat and tears for BET...
That part of me is wondering: "What are you waiting for?"
And I honestly don't know.
Money? Yes, and no. Tuition, should I be lucky enough to worry about it, I could find a way to make work. I do need $50 for application fees and someone to take me to NYC for the weekend for an audition, but even that I can probably figure out. I do have some pretty fantastic friends and family.
Fear of rejection? It's there, but not like I would think. If I applied to AADA, it would only be applying there. There would be no pressure that I wouldn't get in anywhere, because that's it. If I didn't get in, what would change? Nothing. But I could say I did it.
Support? Hardly. I told my mom about it and she said "So do it." And shrugged and walked away, which, if you know my mom, is an incredibly positive reaction. Katy, despite her hatred of people leaving, wants me to. Victoria practically demanded I apply. Same with Rick.
I really want to.
But I am really going to need the support to do it. And I am going to need someone to go to NYC with me and calm me down before and after my audition. And I am going to need someone to hug me and let me cry if I don't get it. And I am going to need someone to dance around like a fool with me if I do.
Because after a while, no matter how much you want something, you become comfortable without it. And I am afraid that's what I am.
I don't know.

I talked to Vivie about it. And Katy. I should talk to Mike, and Rose. Then my 4 biggest theatrical influences would be covered.
I just don't know.

If anyone cares, please give me an opinion...should I stay or should I go?