I CANT FEEL MY FEET.
When I (quite literally) stumbled in the door this evening, Mom asked me how Warped Tour was.
"Well, im hot, im sunburned, im tired, im hungry, im thirsty cuz i got dehydrated and they ran out of beverages, and it cost 3.50 for a bottle of water anyways, rick was over an hour late picking me up and the traffic was so bad that on the thruway it was one big game of musical cars, we got there really late, i was a goddamned pack-mule considering that in my pockets i had my money, my cigs, my lighter, my id, a bunch of stickers, some flyers, ricks ring, ricks phone, and ricks keys, i think i have sewage in my system due to unsafe water fountains, theres so much dust in my system that when i blow my nose, it's black, i can't walk, think, or barely even speak, rick got pick-pocketted, there were 100,000 people there so we kept losing everyone and I left my xanax in the car, my head hurts, my feet hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, i think i have sunstroke, and now there's a crick in my neck cuz I fell asleep in the car.
But it was worth it."

On a side note, I completely forgot what it was like to be in Rick's van with all the seats in place.

I came home and ate and showered and put on PJ's which make a huge difference altogether, so now I feel better.

Meanwhile...It really was great. Exhausting, and clearly facing massisve doom, but great. I feel bad tho that Rick lost his money and credit cards and such. But other than that, and a mysterious beverage shortage, it was a blast. We heard Anti-Flag, Sugarcult (who were awesome), Billy Talent (also awesome), Bowling for Soup (my favoritest), some of New Found Glory's set, and Flogging Molly (Who were absofuckingloutly AMAZING.)
My eyes hurt from the dust, my legs and feet hurt from the walking, my glasses hurt from getting stopmed on, and the rest of me hurts from being stuck inside a various mosh pits.

But I gotta say...it was worth it. ;)

Yay!
I got an email from Aquila saying that she is there and all is well...and that she was asleep when Rick and I were staking her house out at 4am.
So this made me happy.

Ka came for dinner, which was depressing, because she wanted to play Uno but she forgot how. we used to play this all the time and i never really thought she'd forget how. mom and doctors and stuff keep saying she's getting better but i don't really believe them...
I'd rather not talk about that.

After dinner I went swing dancing with Matt, Julia, Kate P., and a couple of their friends, and that was deffly fun. Mostly Julia and I stood outside screaming about stupidity.
"It's the apartment...it has to be. It breeds stupidity. We need to stop falling in loe with boys in that apartment."~Me
"Maybe it's the sheets. You know that commercial about the bed sheets, with the whole 'youre sleeping in body soil' thing?? Maybe it's like that. Maybe it's in the sheets..."~Kate P.

It was a pretty good evening. Felt good to blow off a weeks worth of steam...

I'm tired now. Dancing makes me sleepy. I should dance more. I still can't believe i went to bed at 11:30 last night and woke up at 1. i havent slept that long in almost a year. so i think i will finish my online nonsense and go watch the rest of AiA and then get soem sleep.
and dad taped "something the lord made" for me, too. which i must say, anything alan rickman is always the high point of the day.

unless there's pudding, of course.

Well today was boring, and thus I am bored, so I'm writing for the sake of writing.

I woke up and went to Kaufmans to get my ticket for Warped Tour. Then I went to Tops to buy food for the dinner I'm cooking tomorrow. I'm making this Hawaiian pork thingy with bacon, pinapple, and onions, sweet and sour rice, grilled veggies, mandarin salad, and casada cake. After that i went to rehearsal, where I sat thru the entire run-thru of No Exit, then left. Rather, fled. I couldn't keep a straight face anymore. It's not that it's bad...it's not the actors...or the tech.
It's the whole damned thing.
So I went on a very "Damn you mike amico" streak for a bit (haha im good at those.) and then went home, never to see it again.
Tomorrow is the final Quad dinner.
And then we're going to lasertron cuz Keela has never been. And then friday we're going to say goodbye to her, and at 4am on saturday morning, she leaves.

I most deffly never thought I would be this sad.

I can't wait until next Friday, when I'm finally done with all of this craziness, and can go to Beth's and build a fire and sit around and drink a glass of wine and just hang out.

And then, of course, the next day i need to get cracking on this fundraiser. If there are any actors out there who would like to preform a monolouge or scene or read a poem for absolutely no pay but plenty of gratitude, please email me.

That's all. i'm gonna go eat some popcorn and watch a movie. Adios...
type

I was told to go inside the house, go to sleep, and not go online or write...at all.
I don't take direction well.

So...today...
today was...um, there is no word. the best i've got is craptastic.

i woke up, tlaked to katy, fell asleep, woke up, tlaked to aquila, fell asleep, woke up, ate toast, watched part of angels in america, updated journal, watched more AiA, worked on my play and discovered that the unfinished first act is already, like, 58 pages. i took a bath cuz my back hurt, then a shower cuz i hate after-bath residue, then i got dressed and made aquila's present, then found out my parents threw out my warped tour ticket, and then went to pick up katy.
we drove to aquila's, there was extensive tears when katy foudn out keela isn't coming back til thanksgiving, for which she will be in boston, thus they wont see each other til christmas. we walked to the tropical bakery and got these thingys with meat and cheese in them, which were good, then went back to keelas, where katys mom picked her up and they said goodbye.
then we went to aquila's friend rachels house and had birthday cake, and hung out there until her mom called yelling, and rick showed up around 11:30. so we said our goodbyes in the street in front of her house, and i tried my hardest not to cry. and so she went inside, and that was that.
rick and i get in the car and he suggests a movie so we drive to regal, which is closed by now, then to putt-putt to play arcade games. that killed about a half hour. so we went to the apartmemt and woke up lillis, and hung out there for a bit, then went to pano's, then back to the apartment where we disscussed various theatrics and toms unfortunate love life, thus leading us both to realize we have never written a happy ending. i said i don't believe in happy endedings (i believe in mediocre ones) and rick started fighting with me about that. in fact, most of the evening was us bickering. so then we left and got in a fight about the proper use of the word "miniature" until i felt like my brain was about to explode. so at 4am we found ourselves outside keela's house, car seats pulled all the way back, attempting to both fall asleep and be alert enough to notice if she came out of the house. mostly we just talked and observed her family loading the car. then it was about 4:30, and we realized that sleep was nessecery as we were both about to pass out, and said goodbye to the front of her house and then left.
in the car on the way home, i started crying. and then suddenly i hear "and i make you smile, its like a drug for you, do whatever you wanna do, coming over you. keep on smiling what we go thru...etc." and i look and realize that is not in fact the radio but rick singing to cheer me up.
and i cried more, because i remembered the other reason i was upset.
whats strange is that I REMEBERED i was upset. there had been several references to suh things throughout the night, but it was mostly me irritating him for the sake of irrtating him. all in all...i had a relativly good time, despite the sadness at keela's departure. i never thought that rick and i could comfortably hang out minus the quad after all the shit that happened. apparently, i was wrong. (perhaps i shouldn't have the words "i was wrong" in black and white solid proof....) so then we got to my house, i was ordered to go straight to bed and not go online, and that brings us to now.

the past few days have been so insane, that i don't even have the word processing ability to adaquatly express my feelings about everything right now.

all i have to say is that i am amazed by the saying "when it rains, it pours."
I swear we came up with that line in one of our former lives.

so here stands music to express my thoughts, more or less.
my head hurts.

<i>"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here out
si
de your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die..."


"Go if you want to
I never tried to stop you
Know there's a reason
For all of this you're feeling...
Me I don't show much
Its not that hard to hide you...
I couldn't ever love you more
I couldn't love you more...
You want me to cry and play my part
I want you to sigh and fall apart
We want this like everyone else
Stay if you want to
I always wait to hear you...
Couldnt ever love me more
I couldn't love you more
You want me to lie not break your heart
I want you to fly not stop and start...
Maybe we didn't understand
Not just a boy and a girl
Its just the end of the
end of the world
Me i don't say much
Its far too hard to make you
See in a moment
I still forget just how to
Be...
I couldn't ever love you more..."</i>


also....
I can think of about 1000 reasons this song should be on the next quad mix cd. of all the depressing love songs in the world that apply to us, i think this one does everyone the most justice.

<i>"Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that's all
Tell her I'll be by her side, all she has to do is call
Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall
Tell her not to go
I ain't holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time."</i>

BETH GOT FULL CUSTODY!!!!

It's a beautiful day...

The downside tho is that Bill has court appointed visits every weekend for the next month, then Dolly has to go to his house for a couple months every weekend, then he gets he over night every other weekend. So that sucks, because in my humble opinion that shithead should not be allowed with in a 5 mile radius of either of them. (Such anger, such animosity...) I hate Bill. I think he's the only person in the world that I actually truly hate.
Plus, his girlfriend is due on Sept. 11...he can't take care of the one he's got but he'll take care of this one...

I would say that Bill should never be allowed to reproduce.
But then, I wouldn't have my Bunny, now would I?

I don't see her as much as I want to. My schedule and Beth's confilct so badly, that it's only more proof that timing is my worst enemy. But alas, there is still no one on the planet that I love as much as her.
I will never forget that day in the hospital when she was born. I wil never foget how completely DISGUSTING the whole thing was, and how I just kept chanting over and over "I'm never having kids I'm never having kids I'm never having kids..." And Beth, sitting there, squeezing my hand and laughing at me despite her contractions. And then I saw her head, and her shoulders, and her hands, and her belly, and her legs, and her feet, and her toes, and she was screaming and crying and kicking, but she was SO beautiful.
And now she's all bumps and bruises and sticky hands and dirty feet and all the other things that come with being 2 years old...and she is still SO beautiful.
And when she opened her eyes and looked at the three of us standing there dumbstruck, I cried. I cried because I knew in my heart that even tho Bill was standing right there, he wasn't going to be there forever. I cried because Beth had all these plans that had to be put on hold. I cried because I WASN'T going to have a kid.
But then Beth turned her towards me and said, "And this is your Aunt Brigid..." and I cried because at that moment, none of that mattered.
When it comes to her, nothing else ever matters.

Beth wants me around more, and I want to be around more. I am most likely going to be watching her on Monday mornings this fall, since the day care place can't take her then. And I volunteered to take her for the night so that Mike and Beth can have an actual date for the first time in...oh...9 months??
And Beth mentioned buying an apartment.
And suggested maybe <i>we</i> should get an apartment.
And I am aware of the responsibility, and I have been since she was born, and more so since Beth asked me to be Godmother. If anything ever happens to Beth...
instant child.
And all these thoughts flodded me when she brought this up. Mostly along the lines of "im 21, ill have less of a life than i do now, she crys all the time, it'll be like living with bernie all over again..."
but as i said before, when it comes to her, nothing else ever matters.

Beth can't move out now, so we're thinking of this in terms of a year from now. Dosen't solve my current living situation, but at least it's something to look into.
I think that if I got to see Dolores every day, my life would be complete.
I could not possibly love her anymore.



(Beth and Dolores after her Baptism last year.)

"I've got sunshine on a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside I've got the month of May.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl
Talkin' 'bout my girl
I've got so much honey, the bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song than the birds in the trees.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl
Talkin' 'bout my girl
I don't need no money, fortune, or fame.
I've got all the riches baby one man
c
an claim.
I guess you'd say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl..."