Comedicqueen's Journal
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08/31/2004 19:46 #21484
"What world is this? What kingdom?"What is this?
Last night I went on a rant to Katy about how I hated technology because my finger hurt. And I wrote something in here about that too a couple days ago.
Seriously though, I hate it right now.
I want to hear the phone ring. I want to hear the doorbell ring. I want real conversations with real people, where you can hear their voice or see their face or just connect to them in a way that isn't sterile and automated and generic and computerized...
I think it's because of the "easy" things, like email and instant messaging and such, that we lose touch with reality, and in turn, real people, thus destroying communication. For instance...can you hear a person laugh online? No, we type "lol," even if we don't actually "laugh out loud." We abbreviate a language that has evolved into this wonderful form of expression, and we turn it into a meaningless strand of letters to describe how we feel. It isn’t even WORDS.
It's all about hearing.
You can't hear a person laugh, you can't hear them cry, you can't hear their emotions, or the sarcasm in their voice, or the sadness, or excitement...all you see are words, beautiful as they are, but not holding as much meaning as they would were they coming out of someone’s mouth.
I know how hypocritical it is to write about this in my blog.
But I'll admit, I do it too.
This afternoon I was debating making a phone call, and decided I would just talk to the person online later...what is that?? I feel like I can't call a person, because it's so much easier to think thru what you're typing in an IM? It's the screw-ups and the stuttering and the Freudian slips that make things great, so why would you opt for a spell checker robot to help you be a real person?
I see this amongst my friends, especially lately. The lack of communication turns into misconceptions and then the next thing you know, arguments break out. And then everybody’s IM-ing everyone else with “WTF,� but nobody ever picks up the phone and calls someone and says “WHAT THE FUCK.�
Be angry, be happy, be sad, be silly, be depressed, be excited…but be it in person.
Ok. I think I'm done now.
08/31/2004 03:38 #21483
Theres no business like show business...Well.
That's that.
I made a decision.
After a 45 minute fight with the parentals, I finally got them to agree, given some guidelines.
1. I must make the trip to NYC on a very tight budget.
2. I must find a new shrink tomorrow and go see her diligently for one year.
3. I must find someone to take me to NYC, since while my parents support this, they don't want to have to deal with it.
So tomorrow I call Sacred Heart and D'Youville, and I need to find a personal reference, mail the application, and then schedule an audition date.
This is why I love my friends:
Victoria is letting me stay with her, may be writing me my dramatic reference, is on my ass about getting everythign in, and will no doubt help with my monolouges.
Rick is driving me to NYC.
Victoria is going to get Bill to let Rick stay with him.
Katy is my one-woman support group.
Jaime is taking my headshots.
Will has declared thqt he will do anything to get me to apply.
Even Duffy has urged me to do this.
So I am.
I'm scared. Really, really scared. But then, happy, too. Happy that I am finally doign something I have wanted to do since I was 14 and first heard of AADA. And now I'm actually applying there.
I don't know what I'll do if I get it.
Oy.
08/18/2004 23:44 #21480
"You're a bitch, but I love you anyway."I CANT FEEL MY FEET.
When I (quite literally) stumbled in the door this evening, Mom asked me how Warped Tour was.
"Well, im hot, im sunburned, im tired, im hungry, im thirsty cuz i got dehydrated and they ran out of beverages, and it cost 3.50 for a bottle of water anyways, rick was over an hour late picking me up and the traffic was so bad that on the thruway it was one big game of musical cars, we got there really late, i was a goddamned pack-mule considering that in my pockets i had my money, my cigs, my lighter, my id, a bunch of stickers, some flyers, ricks ring, ricks phone, and ricks keys, i think i have sewage in my system due to unsafe water fountains, theres so much dust in my system that when i blow my nose, it's black, i can't walk, think, or barely even speak, rick got pick-pocketted, there were 100,000 people there so we kept losing everyone and I left my xanax in the car, my head hurts, my feet hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, i think i have sunstroke, and now there's a crick in my neck cuz I fell asleep in the car.
But it was worth it."
On a side note, I completely forgot what it was like to be in Rick's van with all the seats in place.
I came home and ate and showered and put on PJ's which make a huge difference altogether, so now I feel better.
Meanwhile...It really was great. Exhausting, and clearly facing massisve doom, but great. I feel bad tho that Rick lost his money and credit cards and such. But other than that, and a mysterious beverage shortage, it was a blast. We heard Anti-Flag, Sugarcult (who were awesome), Billy Talent (also awesome), Bowling for Soup (my favoritest), some of New Found Glory's set, and Flogging Molly (Who were absofuckingloutly AMAZING.)
My eyes hurt from the dust, my legs and feet hurt from the walking, my glasses hurt from getting stopmed on, and the rest of me hurts from being stuck inside a various mosh pits.
But I gotta say...it was worth it. ;)
08/26/2004 00:52 #21482
Addicted to a life that I depicted...This entry has been about 3 days in the making.
There's a postcard in front of me with pictures of Kim Catrall, Adrian Brody, and Anne Hathaway on it. Everytime I look at it, part of me screams inside.
And that's what I've got to write about.
When I was 12, I was in a play at my school called The Dreamer. I played the Pharaoh. It was basically a much more religious version of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamer. I remember how surprised my mom was that I wanted to audition for it...I wasn't much of a talker and was always describes as shy, and this surprised her. I don't remember why I auditioned...I think it was because my 2 best friends at the time, Christina and Jill, were auditioning, too.
A year after I did that, I sat in the living room with my mom and quite unexpectedly blurted out that I wanted to be an actress. My mom laughed and blamed it on Jill, because she was the resident actress amongst the group. (If you're reading this, my apologies for my mother...) I tried to explain why I wanted this, but she didn't get it. Which I didn't understand. My mother still has her Senior play that she stared in at the Mount listed as one of her greatest experiences, and she married a theatre person herself. I remember her telling my dad my revelation, and he told me that it was nice to dream about, and even ok to do, but not to quit my day job. He told me to go get a nice solid background, for instance, teaching, and do theatre on the side.
So for the next two years I worked on absolutely nothing. Then two opportunities came up. The first was an Explorer post at the Buffalo Ensemble Theatre. My parents thought it would look good on college applications and encouraged me to join. This is where I not only developed my love of theatre, but met my allies in the world...inparticular, Katy, Michael, and Rose. In my junior year of high school, BET offered me the directorial position for a play called "Stolen Childhood," and I took it. Also that year, my school had a one-act play festival. I had always wanted to write a play, so I did. And I directed it too.
That was the beginning of the end.
You can't show someone their greatest desire, and then take it from them. My parents tried...my parents failed.
So I worked with BET for five years. I was Treasurer, then VP, then President and Junior Leader. It was my home away from home. I would still give anything just to do one more show there. But my masterpiece, so far, is the last I did there...it was called "Long December," and was about a boy and the girl who loved, and consequently, hated him as well. in other words, it was me and Michael. And it was written, directed, and produced by yours truly. And to this day I have the email he sent me after watching the tape saved to my computer, because nothing was ever better than his opinion of it. I could win a Tony tomorrow and it wouldn't mean nearly as much as that email from Mike did...
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Junior year I received a pamphlet from the American Academy of the Dramatic Arts, henceforth referred to as AADA. I kept it. Everything else got thrown out when I went to D'youville. But I kept that. Because I had a dream, and as my dad says, It's nice to have dreams...
In my Senior year, after 3 years of trying out for every play and musical at SHA and being rejected, I got a part in Stage Door. And that was when I finally realized how much I needed the whole thing.
Eventually I left SHA, I left BET, I did some work for D'Youville (where I was attending for...er...teaching. and then left cuz that was bullshit.) and The Virginia Shakespeare Company, and I started working for the Colloquial Theatre, which has just ended it's second season and is on hiatus until December. I worked on 5 of their 6 shows, and hope to do more. I want to start my own company, and perform my own work, which I intend
to
do this year...that is, if I find enough donors and actors and help in general.
But I love the theatre so much. I love writing plays. I love directing them.
But I am a whore for the spotlight.
When I'm on that stage...I never feel as good as I do then, and I doubt much could make me feel better.
But I found that info from AADA. And there's a part of me...a very old part of me that was shocked by how it felt to really be in the spotlight for the first time when i was 12, a part of me that never quite let go of the dreams Jill and I had of taking off to NYC or Hollywood after high school, the part of me that did a cartwheel when I got a part in Stage Door, the part of me that had a nervous breakdown during tech week and was magically healed by an opening night, the part of me that sacrificed my literal blood sweat and tears for BET...
That part of me is wondering: "What are you waiting for?"
And I honestly don't know.
Money? Yes, and no. Tuition, should I be lucky enough to worry about it, I could find a way to make work. I do need $50 for application fees and someone to take me to NYC for the weekend for an audition, but even that I can probably figure out. I do have some pretty fantastic friends and family.
Fear of rejection? It's there, but not like I would think. If I applied to AADA, it would only be applying there. There would be no pressure that I wouldn't get in anywhere, because that's it. If I didn't get in, what would change? Nothing. But I could say I did it.
Support? Hardly. I told my mom about it and she said "So do it." And shrugged and walked away, which, if you know my mom, is an incredibly positive reaction. Katy, despite her hatred of people leaving, wants me to. Victoria practically demanded I apply. Same with Rick.
I really want to.
But I am really going to need the support to do it. And I am going to need someone to go to NYC with me and calm me down before and after my audition. And I am going to need someone to hug me and let me cry if I don't get it. And I am going to need someone to dance around like a fool with me if I do.
Because after a while, no matter how much you want something, you become comfortable without it. And I am afraid that's what I am.
I don't know.
I talked to Vivie about it. And Katy. I should talk to Mike, and Rose. Then my 4 biggest theatrical influences would be covered.
I just don't know.
If anyone cares, please give me an opinion...should I stay or should I go?
08/21/2004 23:34 #21481
We learned from ERM that we're better...Went with Victoria to go see "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom" at BUA tonight...very good, even if it did involve Michael Karr in spandex...::shudders at the thought of it::
I hate seeing people I knew when I was very little and Dad worked at the Kavinoky. I always get this kind of "Aren't you still 6 years old?" look from them. So tonight Ijust kinda kept my mouth shut and my head down so that no one recognized me...of course, the fact that I am now 21, not 6, does make for a nice mask...
I hate seeing people I knew when I was very little and Dad worked at the Kavinoky. I always get this kind of "Aren't you still 6 years old?" look from them. So tonight Ijust kinda kept my mouth shut and my head down so that no one recognized me...of course, the fact that I am now 21, not 6, does make for a nice mask...