Currently in my life: The show closed tonight. I fell in a puddle of water. I stubbed my toe on a bed in the dark. I actually ate a hamburger for dinner. I *finally* got to hit Justin for being an idiot. I gave the Quad their letters. I came home from a party with a bunch of my friends cuz I couldn't stand being alone. If that amkes any sense.

And now...
My mother is pacing the house telling me she smells a gas leak.
It's 4am.

Now that my random complaint is out of the way....

I'm an idiot.
I gave Rick this letter today. Last night, I was walking home from Jessica's party, and I thought "Hmm...I think I'll write a letter for each of the Quadrangle." SO I get home and I write Aquila's. Then Katy's. Then I write Rick's name at the top of the page and think..."Damnit. Nothing."
Of course, it wasn't that there was nothing to say. It was that I was too scared to say it.
So I wrote some things...my gratitude to him for banishing Mark from my head, and for being the first person to talk to me during the christmas show. My gratitude to God for not having him in the car with us during the accident.
And I wrote about how much he meant to me, how I feel about him (more or less,) how I think he is and will be an amazing person, how I love that we are friends...basically everything except how I love him.
As in, I did not actually write the words "I love you."
I thought about it.
But I wasn't sure I would have meant it. And following Jaime's sage advice on all aspects of relationships: "if you don't know, you're not ready."

So I give him the letter. He reads it. I fiddle with the zipper on my bag so I don't have to look at him read it. He turns the page, I absentmindedly read Katy's letter over her shoulder so I don't have to watch him read it. He folds it back up and puts it in the envelope, and then into his pocket. In turn I count the steps leading to the cafeteria so I don't have to see him do that. He sits there for a second, kinda staring at the floor. I smile at Ashley and Aquila so I don't have to watch. Then he tapped me on the shoulder and I turned, despite misgivings. He said "come here" and I inched closer to him, despite my defenses. He hugged me, I hugged him back, he said "i love you, babe."

And despite context, doubt, fear, everything, I said "I love you, too."

And I meant it.
And that scared the hell out of me.

The last person that I said "i love you" to (aside form vivie or katy) was Mark. and a week later he was gone.

It's not the same, tho. I know he loves me, but I don't think it's the same way I love him. But I said it all the same, and surprised myself.

That morning, as I was writing the letter, I didn't know. But when I said it, i did. I would never say that and not mean it.
He probably dosent even know how hard that was.
Actually, he probably does. He's very good in that respect. But he is also the type of person who will smile and nod and forgive your mistakes, and ignore your shortcomings.

I am an idiot, for 2 reasons.
I am freaking out because i love a guy that probably dosen't love me.
I am freaking out because I told the guy I love that I love him.

The latter beign the most ridiculous.

"When I first saw
Your face, I knew for sure
That from now on
Things would be different than before
I walk in weak
From yet another day
I need you to say
That tomorrow I'm gonna hear your voice again
And if you'd like to, maybe continue,
What we started with a smile from across the room
That'd be fine with me
And I only hope that I can be what you were looking for
Cause all I ask is that you look my way
And that'd be fine with me"
-Fine With Me (John Mayer and DMB)

week one of the show is done. thank god. there are two rehearsals this week, and then the performanes on the 9th and 10th. and then nothing.
The quadrangle is scheduling a date for monday, according to katy, and theres reeharsal on tuesday and thursday i think, and friday we are going to jess' afet the show, saturday we're going to vivie's after and then the quad is sleeping over at ricks, apparently, and then on sunday is the big cast dinner...

and thats it.

feeling a little empty, actually.

anyhoo,
happy 4th of july!

Alas I am going to Merlin's with Molly...I am still not sure why.
I havent seen her in almost a week tho because of the play, so i suppose it will be fun.
And I could REALLY use a drink after the day I had.

So, no sleep.
Eh.
I'll sleep when I'm dead.

"I would tell you that I loved you if it meant that you would stay..."

I have a million things racing thru my head right now...the car crash, katy, duffy, rick, aquila, aquila's mom, the play, victoria, justin, jaime, roger, steve and jen, bob, liz, todd and kevin and the fake pregnancy scam, the impending doom of sunday, motorcycles, the taste of buffalo, the fact i still havent called molly, beth and dolores, health insurance, my sore neck, my aunt and uncle, my grandma, and how much i fucking hate beign in my house, alone.
I'm not totally alone...mom and dad and bernie are all here, and asleep. and i like them better sleeping than awake right now. I just realized that i have no rehearsal tomorrow...so really, i have no reason to get up. I have nothing to look forward to, for the first time in weeks. I gotta admit, that's bringing me down.
Not that I'm all that "up" to begin with.
I'm trying very hard to not think about the car crash, because several very scary images come to mind, and I want to forget them. Me with my memory of an elephant, me who prides herself on remebering everything and everyone, wants to forget. It's amazing.

So, since I am trying to focus on something else...only one thing comes to mind.

And when you get down to it, it's equally scary.
I told Aquila today that the thing that scares me most is how stong it is. I don't care for intense situations or feelings, especially in this fashion. i simply don't have boyfriends. I have boys who are friends. I have boys I screw aroudn with. Then there are the boys I like. who i pretty much file under the "Untouchable" list in my memory warehouse. And there was Mark.
Fuck mark.
Anyhoo...
It's hard to be such good friends with the guy I like. It's never happend before.
ok i know some of you are screaming "LIAR!" right now, so let me explain.
It's never happened like this before. I would meet a guy and become friends with him, and then like him. But now...I liked him the moment I met him, in October. Buty hey, that was a 24 hour time period. Barely worth thinking about. Then in Deember, I liked him even more. But I was so terrified of his gf hating me that i said absolutely nothing to anyone. And then when I found out they broke up, it was THE DAY that my best friend fell for him.
Three weeks later, Friday happened. And Saturday.
And Sunday.

And my best friend dosen't like him anymore, because she is happy (a little banged up, but happy.) And i am standing here, cursing silently under my breath to ever single person who utters the words "so where does that leave you two?" or "what's the deal with you two?" or "whats going on with you two??"
i don't know. something. nothing. i don't know.
there are things I do know. I find him surprising. If that makes sense. I like how he climbs on things for no reason, and i like his taste in music, and i like that he knows comic books the way i know the lines to "empire records." i like the way he laughs, i like the way he smiles, and i love how he is always looking out for everyone. i think he's very talented, very smart, and funny. and im not gonna lie, quite the cute one too.
i also know that he is probably still holding a candle to katy, as pointless as it may be. alas, i am holding my candle pointlessly as well.
And it sucks. because I just don't know.
i know i don't want us to stop being friends.
and i know i want us to be more than friends.
and i know that i don't want him to be just another name on the list.
but i don't know.
he said he wanted us to be friends, that i was one of the coolest people he ever met, etc. but i know that things change. but i also know that getting your hopes up is useless. i don't know what im talking about anymore.
I was really worried that my feelings for him were there to replace my feelings of abandonment that are bound to r
un
rampant on sunday. i know that this is a completely psychological point of veiw and probably makes a lot of sense...but i also know it isn't really true.

There are a million thoughts racing in my head.
But he is the only thought that is standing still.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
And tryin' to walk through the pain.
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door...
I was so sick n' tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishing that I... would die
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
Oh... It's amazing
A when the moment arrives
That you know you'll be alright
Yeah... It's amazing
And I'm saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

Tonight was by far the worst night of my life.

It isn't because my parents forced me to leave jaime's early, and it isn't because my night went totally opposite than planned, and it wasnt because I met that Jill chick that rick used to like, or because i ended up soaking wet and freezing.

It's because the windstar is dead.

Because a van is usually pretty dead after a car slams into the side of it and blows out the windows.

So i spent the greater portion of my evening either sobbing in a puddle on the intersection of potomac, bidwell, and elmwood, or calming katy down in an ambulance, or calming duffy down in the hospital, or sobbing outside when i realized that not only was katy all cut up, but my brand new pack of cigarettes got towed away with duff's car.
Before anyone panics, we are ok, mostly. No one is dead.
Duff and I were in shock, but we're ok now, more or less. i got a bruise on my shoulder but it isn't that bad at all, and a lttle whiplash to go with it. katy got the brunt of it, because she was sitting pretty much right at the point of impact. she banged her head, the windows on each side of her sprayed her with glass, and she got some cuts. shes getting stiches right now on her neck and wrist, apprently. and they are doing some tests to see if theres anything wrong internally, but it seems unlikely.

Katy is thinking this is a sign, because of the timing. i hope she knows it's not.

duffy is thinking that he endangered her life. i hope he knows he really didn't.

i am thinking that i would sell my soul to have been the one in the backseat.

we called aquila, who came running right away, all out parents, rick, and victoria. tomorrow, or rather, later, rick is gonna come get me and we are going to go get aquila from work and then go see katy.
i don't know if we have rehearsal tomorrow or not, but fuck it, i aint going.

that was the scariest moment of my life.

<i>You changed my face
I think I like it better now
It doesn't matter anyhow
Cuz that's the way it is
You said hello
Where the hell you been?
I said I feel like I been off to war
And I may never be the same again
I made my bed, but now I can't sleep at night
Cuz you're tossing and turning, you know, you know it ain't right
I'd love to beg, see, but I'm just too proud
And I don't even know what to say, so I'm thinking out loud
And when you dream, you're seventeen
I ain't there, so I don't care
Cuz in all my dreams, I'm twenty-three
And she's the girl right next to me
See that girl right next to me</i>

<i><b>You take a lot of chances with your feelings
No one really knows what you feel
Fixing is the only way you're dealin'
You turn your pretty head if it gets real
Oh, you
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only when you think about me
When you think about me
Think about me
And I got a head
Don't let me speak
And you got a secret I can't keep
You see a little stranger in your mirror
The guy you never knew is what you fear
And all you want is something I can't be
All you want from me is what you need
And now I'm saying I don't know
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only
Oh, you
You take it so slowly
And it's only
'Bout me
When you think about me
Think about me
</b></i>