I don't understand.
I must be completely idiotic.
WHY would a person who is not exactly what one ouwl dcall a fit parent take their son away from his home and school and friends and life, and put a fucking house arrest collar on him and force him to live in virginia, just because he 1. favors his mother more than his straight-outta-the-salem-witch-trials father, and 2. is bisexual.

What kind of sick twisted son of a...ok you know what its probably best i stop here cuz im actually screaming out what im writing and im fairly certain my little sister dosent need to hear it.

And she did it again.

Molly is...an interesting person. You really can't hlep but love her on soem degree. But then again, she's also the devil.
Seriously.
The devil.

I learned this two year ago when she told nick that which she should not have told nick. thus ruining my friendship with her, ruining EVERYTHING with nick, and turning me into a sobbing, confused puddle of depression.

And eventually, once everything was sorted out (a year later...) we started hanging out again. And we became very good friends again. And all was well...

til now.

Cuz that crazy bitch did the same thing all over again.
And I am not so much wondering if she does this because i did somehting worng or cuz she flat out hates me, but rather if she did this because she is absolutely out of her freaking mind CRAZY!!!

I think she's really crazy.

I. AM. IRRITATED.

I believe that it is every persons right to think, feel, believe, and do what they feel is right for them.
I think that this should be a universal truth, and something that should be respected.
I would never put down anothers thoughts, feelings, or belief system, and I would hope to recieve the same courtesy in return.

I have a Blurty. It's a relativly personal journal...my best friend and my cousin have faccess to it, and there are a few people who read it but not with such fervor that I should have cause for worry.
And I am a attention whore, so when people comment in my blurty, i get very excited.
And I would assume that those comments, out of basic human decency, would not be to trash my belief system.

Apprently, I am wrong.

I wrote in my burty about my joy that after several months of emails and phone calls and pride parades and arguments and pamphlets, President Bush's move to make same-sex marriage illegal was thrown out.
Also in my blurty I copied the letter I sent him via MoveOn.org, and their letter in response to the verdict this afternoon.
As a huge supporter of GLBT rights for most of my life, I was a wee bit happy.
Ok, so I was ecstatic.
And I may have been gloating a little.
But it was good news to me and it was my journal and I felt able to do that, considering the people I know who read it (who were just as ecstatic) and based on my whole "Don't insult mine, I won't insult yours" theory.
So then, not 10 minutes after I post this in my journal, this guy comments saying that George Bush is his hero and that gays and lesbians should not have the right to marry cuz "what is the world coming to" and then he tells me that I must be a "pretty fucked up person" to think that this was a good thing.

I'm sorry??

Excuse me???

So I got a little mad, and made a little exception to my rule. After all, it is "don't insult mine, I won't insult yours." so, logically, when insulted, what should I do?
And this is when my acid ink skills kicked in and i wrote a very unwholesome message to this person. Something to the jist of: respect other people, stop being an ignorant tool, 9 out of 10 psychologists believe that being homophobic is compensation, and go fuck yourself, but only if you don't constitue that to be homosexual activity, because when you get down to it, it is.
Then I said soemhting about how I waould rather be a pretty fucked up person than be anything resembling him.
Then I told him to have a nice day.

I sincerly have no problem with people who praise Bush's efforts. I think "Ok...they're either Republican or can't read." and then i forget about it and decide that they can think whatever they want because thats what makes this country so great. But I just don't understand...how can you defend any step taken to limit anyones rights?? If there were somehting like that for everyone, I can guarentee that no one would be for such limitations. But since it's against a group who was better left unseen for so long, people chose instead to deny forward movement as opposed to help foster it.
And, despite my political correctness, I truly belive anyone tring to hold others back is a complete and utter dumbass.
Dumbassdumbassdumbass.

One of these days, I'm going to write a book about this.
I have written, thus far, three plays about GLBT issues, and dozens of poems, and a short story.
And one day I will write a book, and it's title will be Love is Just Love, and it will sell millions.
And I will dedicate it to every gay family member, friend, or co-worker I have ever had.
And I will find out where the guy who commented in my journal today lives.

And I will send him 100 signed copies.

So, today would have been my one year anniversary had Mark not dissappeared off the face of the planet, I am currently caught in the great "Buffalo Youth Theatre Company Power Struggle," and I have been informed by my friend that I am in love, to my great disdain. Plus, everything i ate at dinner tonight had tomatoes on it.
I hate tomatoes.
its been an excellent day.

Katy: "So, to clarify, you are in love with him."
Me: "Umm...yeah..."
Katy: "Ok, just had to make sure the the word 'in' was there."
Me: "Damnit. I'm in love with him."
Katy: "Timing. Is. Everything."

Currently in my life: The show closed tonight. I fell in a puddle of water. I stubbed my toe on a bed in the dark. I actually ate a hamburger for dinner. I *finally* got to hit Justin for being an idiot. I gave the Quad their letters. I came home from a party with a bunch of my friends cuz I couldn't stand being alone. If that amkes any sense.

And now...
My mother is pacing the house telling me she smells a gas leak.
It's 4am.

Now that my random complaint is out of the way....

I'm an idiot.
I gave Rick this letter today. Last night, I was walking home from Jessica's party, and I thought "Hmm...I think I'll write a letter for each of the Quadrangle." SO I get home and I write Aquila's. Then Katy's. Then I write Rick's name at the top of the page and think..."Damnit. Nothing."
Of course, it wasn't that there was nothing to say. It was that I was too scared to say it.
So I wrote some things...my gratitude to him for banishing Mark from my head, and for being the first person to talk to me during the christmas show. My gratitude to God for not having him in the car with us during the accident.
And I wrote about how much he meant to me, how I feel about him (more or less,) how I think he is and will be an amazing person, how I love that we are friends...basically everything except how I love him.
As in, I did not actually write the words "I love you."
I thought about it.
But I wasn't sure I would have meant it. And following Jaime's sage advice on all aspects of relationships: "if you don't know, you're not ready."

So I give him the letter. He reads it. I fiddle with the zipper on my bag so I don't have to look at him read it. He turns the page, I absentmindedly read Katy's letter over her shoulder so I don't have to watch him read it. He folds it back up and puts it in the envelope, and then into his pocket. In turn I count the steps leading to the cafeteria so I don't have to see him do that. He sits there for a second, kinda staring at the floor. I smile at Ashley and Aquila so I don't have to watch. Then he tapped me on the shoulder and I turned, despite misgivings. He said "come here" and I inched closer to him, despite my defenses. He hugged me, I hugged him back, he said "i love you, babe."

And despite context, doubt, fear, everything, I said "I love you, too."

And I meant it.
And that scared the hell out of me.

The last person that I said "i love you" to (aside form vivie or katy) was Mark. and a week later he was gone.

It's not the same, tho. I know he loves me, but I don't think it's the same way I love him. But I said it all the same, and surprised myself.

That morning, as I was writing the letter, I didn't know. But when I said it, i did. I would never say that and not mean it.
He probably dosent even know how hard that was.
Actually, he probably does. He's very good in that respect. But he is also the type of person who will smile and nod and forgive your mistakes, and ignore your shortcomings.

I am an idiot, for 2 reasons.
I am freaking out because i love a guy that probably dosen't love me.
I am freaking out because I told the guy I love that I love him.

The latter beign the most ridiculous.

"When I first saw
Your face, I knew for sure
That from now on
Things would be different than before
I walk in weak
From yet another day
I need you to say
That tomorrow I'm gonna hear your voice again
And if you'd like to, maybe continue,
What we started with a smile from across the room
That'd be fine with me
And I only hope that I can be what you were looking for
Cause all I ask is that you look my way
And that'd be fine with me"
-Fine With Me (John Mayer and DMB)