and here we are, jenks and myself standing on the other side of 30. Its not bad, doesn't really feel any different, at least i don't think so. Plus i have read a few articles that say 40 is the new 30, so taking that in to consideration, i, we are not much older than...well i will even be gracious...lets say 23. Honestly, most of the time i don't feel much older than that. by that i mean when i actually think about it. i feel like i just left college, and yet on the other hand it feels like a lifetime ago. there are a lot of "grown up" things i want, and that keep my head churning at a feverish pace when the street lights come on. a funny story about that. i stop at outback to chat with my buddy calvin about the upcoming week and any new developments on our key west trip. well this girl behind the bar, whom we are friends with and who just got engaged starts talking about buying houses. now i am sure that people are aware of the high prices for homes now adays. i have heard that even dear bufflao has seen a rapid increase in home prices. well homes down here are out of this world. this girl veeda, (sp?) is looking at starter homes that range from 585,000 to the mid 600,000. trying to wrap your brain around that can be nauseating. something like that makes me feel old, a bit panicky, nervous, and come to a realization that owning a home down here is going to be one hell of a difficult thing to do. things like this make me second guess some of my decisions. especially when it comes to employment. the financial advisor position that i have been offered, well not sure if i really want it. i have been on the fence for quite awhile now. on one hand it is a fantastic financial opportunity for me. on the other hand, is it really what i want to do? not sure. but i have to look at it in the sense of compromise, or trade offs. if i want to be able to build a life (ie. family, home) down here, which i do, i have to be able to earn a decent living. i would like to be abel to provide a comfortable life for my family. of course this is all thinking down the line, but sometimes you have to go and do that i guess. OR, i could move up to the catskills and start a homestead like commune. anyone down? well enough of this gloom, not so much gloom but serious gibberish. so yes a few of us guys are planning a trip to key west in october. it coincides with a fantasy fest which i heard is mardi gra in key west. i am excited, never been to florida. the only thing is the group of us going....well its a good thing its not a foreign country. Michael, Dan, Calvin and myself. 3 bartenders, and one former beer slinger. it should be quite memorable. well i am going to check out, yeah this one tailed of quick. sorry. hahaha

tender is my heart,
it is something that I have always known
and i am proud of that.

i miss being able to be tender,
the physical intimacy of tenderness,
the emotional honesty of vulnerability.

i daydream of the little things, the secret smiles
the silent whispers between closed lips and searching eyes
sighing when rolling over during naps, wiggiling into arms, pressing
bodies fitting like puzzle pieces

"sweetie would you like some water?"
sharing the glass, placing it on the nite stand and reaching up
for arms to hold, lips to kiss, pulling the down into the bed

stroking arms while watching movies
roomates coming home on a friday, or saturday night drunk
"Hey, what are you guys doing? You should have heard the band!
You should see who she hooked up with! What movie are you guys watching? I heard that was great, you know what else you two should see?!"
while we lay groggy on couches, or floors bathed
in the flickiering light of rented movies dancing across
television screens.

How i do miss being tender.
i often wonder when i will be able find this again.
I do miss being tender

i went to the mall today to do a little shopping. i really hate going to the mall, because i am so task oriented when it comes to shopping. i go in for what i want, get it an leave. though i do have a problem when it comes to deciding on some clothes. i tend to feel the fabric, the texture. that seems to be most important to me. its funny to because i had read a horoscope reading that taurus' are like that. i would like to state a disclaimer that i do not run my life according to Ms Cleo, but sometimes i do find some similarities. anyways. i bought an awesome pair of summer weight chinos, and a sweet green polo with horizontal thin stripes. yeah it will look good. i also ordered a pair of cotton/ irish linen blend pants from jcrew on the red bat phone in the store. this really cute girl claire helped me out. red head with freckles. damn the irish girls. i dug out all of my summer clothes and now i have to wash them before putting them in my drawers and hanging them in my closet. i havent been shopping in a while. i would like to get some new sneakers, and a few more pair of flip flops. basically if you seem me during the summer, i have flip flops on. it was a big joke last year while at work in the office. though we could wear jeans and polos, we had to wear shoes. though a lot of the time i pushed the envelope with my flip flops, if one of the owners was to visit i would have my shoes on. and then at 6, when getting into my car, i would take off the evil shoes, and slip into my 3 dollar pair that i bought at the Ocean Chemist in long beach. i actually have to get a few of those pair. they rock. i got a nice pair too, but the cheap ones are great to wear to the bars. this has been a really random post. how about those gas prices!!!! gotta love it. well thats all for today people. oh yeah, GO SABRES

the countdown continues to cinco di maio!!! everyone is waiting to celebrate in a wild night of revelry with jenks and codypomeray as they round the turn at 30. its amazing, these two vets, having been in the game this long. i am sure that plans are still up in the air for these two may babies, looking better than ever and looking to come out all pistons firing on friday. folks its going to be a wild one i can tell you that.

HAHAHAHA...now reread it with an announcers voice in your head. yeah i know you like it.


Friday nite we fun. i went to happy hour at tiki bar with my friend tara and her fiance steve. really nice guy. it was the first time i had met him. i have known her for awhile, but we have not seen one another in a couple months. its always kinda awkward i think meeting a girl friends guy. i don't know why. but it is. not the case with steve. well happy hour was cool, and then i moved onto the inn because my friends band, 1984 was playing. i was supposed to meet my other friend nicole with her boyfriend and roomate. as soon as i walk into the bar, who is right in front of me? if you answered kerri, you are CORRECT! tell em what they won!!! well we talked and i had mentioned that i have been going to the driving range and hitting golf balls. With that, kerri said that she likes to hit golf balls, and mentioned it a few more times. so i finally ask, do you want to go hit balls one nite this week. she said yes. next thing i know we are at the bar doing a shot. a friend ryan murphy walks over and says oh wow you two are back together? thats awesome. don't know why you guys split up to begin with, everyone was disappointed. i look at him, ugh. what the hell, no ryan we are uh not back together. so i walk away and find nicole, and her boyfriend and roomie. i am dancing up a storm, having a gay old time, and who is behind me, kerri, all smiles, and when we talk making sure that her face is securely pressed against mine, lips near the ears (she knows). funny thing was, music was not that loud where that was necessary. so now i go walk upstairs.

as i am walking to the upstairs bar to say hi to my friend rosemary, i run into this girl megan who i had met a couple of weeks ago. the girl kerri saw me chattin up (previous post, and no not the poker m) megan and i start talking, and then we are dancing up stairs. we end up hangin out for the remainder of the evening, and decided it was time to leave around 2:30 ish. it was along week, and i had been out since 7 or so. we'll we both walk out together, i am thinking holding hands, and hop a cab to her house. this girl has a huge apt, all to herself. we dine on pretzels and poland spring and both fall asleep. real sexy huh. we were spooning though, just incase (gotta keep up my appearances. hahaha j//k it was actually really nice.) wake up in the morning and call a cab to go to my car to go to work. as i am in the cab i check my phone. oh wow i have a few missed calls, and 3 texts. all from kerri. one said it was great talking with you. the other said hope i didn't harass you to much....i am sorry....hope you have a good nite. but the first one said are you still here? well obviously i wasnt. saturday i worked, came home and went to bed. yup

sunday was as interesting as ever. i seem to be able to chat up anyone nowadays (i will try and bottle up, or figure out whatever it is and send it on your way jenks, though i am sure you really don't need it) yesterday being sunday funday, and after having seen the mighty buffalo sabres hand the crappy ass flayers a sound thrashing i met my buddy mickey out at minnesotas. on sundays all of the local people (young people mostly) hang out side on the patio and eat, watch everyone go by in their cars, bikes, or gawking at the people who are walking to the beach for surfing, sun bathing or just walks along the ocean. the bar becomes packed and there is a guy playing covers on an acoustic. it is a lot of fun. its not enough that people go out thursday, friday and saturday, you have to keep it going to sunday. so everyone is in great spirits because of the weather and the libations. their is a loud din when the juxebox kicks in between sets, and then more people crush in. mickey and i were talking to these two girls, melissa and molly. it was fun, telling jokes, laughing, being silly. see mickey, being irish, having his brogue, has no problem with the ladies. he says, hi love, and shit thats it. their knees are week, and they just love talking to him. i on the other hand have to work a bit harder. be a little more funny than normal, do a few silly dances, you know that self depreciation stuff all of you wonderfull girls love. anyways. we are talking to the girls, and more people we know show up. so now it is like a little party of all of our friends. and more continue to stream in as the evening rolls lazily along. kerri strolls in with her roomate, kerry who doesn't really care for me (yes sorry to many kerris, and megans in my stories) they come over and end up being included in our group of revelers. kerri and i start flirting and it was like that for the rest of the nite. talking talking talking. telling her all of the things i want to do this summer, and would like to have her do with me. so mickey keeps telling me she still likes me, cause she watches me and all of that. see thats great, i know she still likes me, but that doesn't help any really. so now i am to call her and go hit balls. things just cannot be simple can they. she asked what i was doing for my birthday and then said she wouldnt be around for t unfortunately because her friend Ellen is getting married. ellen is a nice girl. i sit and think how the fuck did ellen and mike get to that spot. how did they navigate the perilous waters of dating? and come out on the calm (well thats relative i guess) a successful relationship. kerri and i are so messed up, kinda, well its messed up cause i feel, believe that it is a good thing, the right thing, and i think she does too. what if she wants to get back together? i thought about that today, not to put the cart before the horse, but that sounds awesome, and unnerving at the same time. i don't want to have to go through this shit again, at least with her. i could have so much fun this summer, but i want to have fun with her. ah, fuck it right now. i will hit balls with her, call megan, and keep chatting. sounds like a plan right?

last weekend my sister came up to visit for easter. she was here from thursday nite through monday afternoon. it was really good to see her, we made dinner on sunday and my buddy mickey came over. his family being in ireland, he had a few invites, but chose to hang out with us. it was really a fun day. a few bottles of wine, fresh guacamole, salsa, chips, beers, veggie platter, all homemade. well not the beer and the wine. i even cooked a ham. we also had steamed asparagus, and then my fav, potaoes boiled, and then put in the fridge, i cut them up, put olive oil on them, rosemary, and fresh squeezed lemon juice, and then BAM into the oven. dinner was a hit i must say. the past two weekends have been kind crazy and involving my ex to a certain extent. ok. so i am trying to get past it, and to some extent it is working. on good friday this U2 cover band played the inn and my sis and i went with a couple friends (brian and megan) they are dating. cool. so we go to the inn and meet up with megan's friends meg and caitlin. well brian says, don't even waste your time with caitlin she has a boyfriend, meg is single, and really cool. ok. so there is flirting going on, and it was actually fun. i was not really conscious of where i was, cause we just hit it off. well while i was chatting up ms meg, my sister had seen that kerri had seen us flriting while she was walking towards us and then turned and walked away. a while later, kerri and her roomate came walking down the balcony area we were in and she was bombed. plastered. she walked right by me without even saying a word. now the actual situation was crazy, there was no reason for her to walk by unless it was just to walk by me. yes i was kinda happy it happened. actually really happy. for the longest time i allowed her to act as she pleased towards me. i had just recently written her a letter, the one i spoke of a while back, but never sent it. so i go about my week, and thursday i went to the inn to have a drink with mickey (he's one of the bartenders) and he informed me that he had gotten into an argument with kerri that evening. i asked if she was drunk and he said he was not sure. so after he told me about the arument i knew she was, because it made no sense. they had been talking about why he broke up with his ex, and that kerri's roomate had a crush on him. well he let that go, and then kerri made a comment that i had wanted us, the 4 of us to go to dinner when we were dating. honestly, i never said that, and i was brought up by her a couple of other times. then she says that mickey makes her second guess herself and that it is rude. of course i get all of this as soon as i get to the bar. the next morning, friday, i get up for work, and my friend julie decides to send me a pic of kerri and i from the mets game last may. in the email it says "here is a pic of you and your ex. don't mean to bum you out, but i thought you might want this. you two always looked so good together." this coming after we talked and she makes the comment that she liked kerri and it is a shame cause she is really beautiful. so that is the semi drama with kerri. on another note, one of my buddies ended up hooking up with one of our friends. now this might not seem interesting or relavent to any of you, but the story is great. ok, so i am out with my friend M. she is a cool chic. really hot, but we's just friends. thats it. one of her friends comes out with all of the people she works with and they have been partying it up pretty good. M and i are just sitting haveing a drink and chatting. her friend joins us and i leave after awhile. her friend being extremely attractive as well. stop and say hi to my buddy on my way home. well the next day said friend calls me up and says i need to talk to you. never a good thing. so i meet him at his other job, the outback, and he lays it on me. i selpt with M. i almost choked on my clam chowder. Now, M is his roomate. so the story goes, he gets home from working at this bar, and M, and her friend are smashed. one of the two girls suggests playing strip poker. so bam, he is playing strip poker with two girls. of course i miss this stuff. well one thing leads to another and then voila, he hooks up with his roomate. i don't know, its a great story. M and I talked about it on friday nite. crazy crazy. i guess its also a lot better if you actually know the people, that lends to the crazyness of the situation. saturday i went to a beer tasting party in brooklyn, the Brazen Head on atlantic ave. it was a pretty good time. we ended up playing the board game operation, so i tried to send jenks a pic text. didn't work so well. hahaha. i like the new look of the site. its spruced up just in time for spring. this weekend is my buddies bachelor party in Atlantic City, of which i cannot attend. too much freakin money. its gonna cost almost 400 dollars, and that before going out, and all of that. just can't swing it right now. i got a repair bill for my watch in the mail, 380 dollars to get fixed. nuts. plus rent is due, and the deliveries have been slow. yeah also not sure what to do on the job front. i might have a gig driving people out to the hamptons from the airports. 200 bucks a trip. apparently people offer you jobs too. my buddies dad has runs a car service. its kind of a 2nd career for him. he is retired. im close with the fam, so we will see. i am just not sure what i want to do, and my birthday is coming up, gonna be 30....actually OUR birthday is coming up, yeah its crazy, jenks and i share a b-day. never knew anyone with the same day. cool shit. well of course it is, two cool people, on a cool day in may. hip hop hooray!!! im out, gotta get some zzzzzzzzzz