so i have been having some wildly lucid dreams lately. its gotten to the point where i cannot descern between actual conscious happenings and what is going on during my sleeping hours. its actually quite disturbing. i was at the laundromat today and trying to figure out if something i was thinking about happened, or if it was indeed a dream that i had remembered. i think it may be do to my use of the ac in my room. see i just got a comforter for my bed. yeah i know, end of june, what better time to get a comforter. i used to be a blanket person. liked lots of blankets, the feel of them piled on top, the ability to remove one and mediate the temp of my sleeping enviorns. i have to get up early tomorrow and go to church, well temple actually. my buddy who's wedding i am is having the wedding contract blessed by his rabbi. he called on monday and asked if i would like to go. it is a family and close friends event. i really didn't want to go, but being that i didn't go to the stag party in AC, and he invited me to a family event, and i am standing up in his wedding i felt it was the right thing to do. i just get very uncomfortable in religious settings. sounds ignorant, i know. but people can get so easily offended if you don't understand their spritual rites, and such. plus being that it is not christian, i am going to feel extremely awkward and self conscious. i used to feel unfcomfortable when i had to go to church with my cousin and aunt after sleep overs when i was little. my cousin and i would fight because i would not knell and genuflect before entering the pew. i would not use the kneelers, and i would not take comunion. even after being confirmed i didn't feel right taking comunion in a catholic church. didn't like getting up and walking done the isle. now i know that is one of the purposes, well i would assume, it brings a sense of togetherness, community in celebrating jesus's sacrifice for us. but i was raised sitting in a pew, and the "wine" and the waffers were brought to us and passed down the pew while some hymn was being sung by the choir (i think) and played on the organ. well that was a bit of a religious blabber. i really am excited for the wedding though. got fitted for my tux, they are really nice. maybe i will get a pic of me and my date and post it. hopefuly i will remember.

the girl victoria i went on the date with, two dates with and numerous phone convos...... Dead in the water. DUD. KAPUT. so we went to see the break up for our date after the migrane. we had a great time, and that weekend she was having a bbq with a bunch of friends from college, so i was like well i will talk to you later. i figured i would give her the weekend and maybe send a text saying hi. leave her time with her friends from albany, she had said they don't get together quite as often anymore. so saturday i text her hey want to say hi. maybe we can do the beach tomorrow. sunday she texts me, its not a nice day out, my friends have not left, i will call you later. so she does, we talk for a while. she calls back, talk some more and i ask if she has a busy week. working in the city and the commute restricts ones extra curriculars during the week, well for a majority of people at least. i wanted to set up a date for dinner mid to end week at this italian place Sole. its out of this world. she loves food, is italian and has never been there. after go for a walk on the beach and get ice cream at this great place in long beach. have her home before 11. well i ask if she has a busy week and she says "well thursday i have happy hour with a friend in the city, but i just want to come home. i hate staying in the city after work" i ask if she would like to do something and i get the pause. yep. the pause. i knew. she says..well i'm not sure, let me see how the week shapes up and then we'll talk. so we wrap it up cause now i have a hunch its not shaping up like it seemed, and i get the I WILL TALK TO YOU SOON. thats never good. so now i feel the ball is in her court. she knows i want to see her that week, and she said she will let me know. so i am not calling. (yeah i know its kind of gameish. but what am i to do. i have kerri's voice and the things she said when we broke up that kind of steer my thinking. and i know thats bad too.) anyways i don't hear from her all week so i decide to text her on thursday afternoon, hey just wanted to say hi, hope all is well. hoping to elicit a response and move on that.....NADA. its a shame. she was really quite beautifull, and we had awesome conversation, at least i thought so. a minimall of awkward moments, but thats natural i think. so now my roomate tells me that he new girlfriend is bringing a friend out here in 2 weeks or something to go to dinner, and go out and apparently they are all staying here. he's all excited, i guess they are trying to set me up. trouble is our taste in girls couldn't be more opposite. in almost every aspect. well not every, but girls i would date, he wouldnt and girls he dates i wouldnt. at least i don't think. lately everytime my phone rings or chimes for a msg, i have this terrible hope that it is kerri. school is over, and maybe she wants to hit balls, and then realize that she does want to be with me and has made a mistake. for some reason that happens a lot to me. as i am sure many others. funny side note, my date to the wedding, is Jana, the girl i dated before kerri and who after hearing about her came to me and said she made a mistake and wanted me back. the same one kerri and i ran into at dinner and kerri got jealous. it wasnt a conscious thing in asking her, she actually asked to go with me, but i can tell you that after the wedding i will be out in LB in a tux, with Jana, trying to make someone slightly jealous. yup. its mean i know. i guess not good? any moral police out there have any comments?????

spent last weekend in the hamptons. wild debauchery. thats all i have to say about that. oh and me making bloody marys in cups bigger than big gulp cups floating in the pool, bbq'ing, and rocking madras pants. yeah it was an awesome weekend. oh and my sister throwing up in to a garbage can for a whole day. good good stuff. i have more i am sure, but gotta hit the sack. gotta be up soon for this cermony. hope all is well. im gonna come home this summer and meet some of you. really, seriously i will

wow a whole month has gone by since i last posted. It feels like i have gone around the world, well maybe not. but i have been thinking about you all and estrip since i could not get on. my internet wass being quite difficult. had to call in some heavy hitters to try and correct the problem. now my computer works properly, all that needs to be done is to get my roomates up and running correctly. not a lot has gone on, yet it feels like a lot has gone on. ran into the ex a bunch of times and she wanted to do things, ie hit golf balls, get dinner, stuff like that. never ended up happening and i am kind of don't care. i actually met someone cool a few weeks ago. the day of the saturday sabres/hurricanes game. there were a group of us from buffalo watching the game at my house drinking labatts blue. it was great. my roomate met a girl from lancaster who works in manhattan and they have been dating for a bout a month now. my friend kim, who has earned the nickname buffalo kim, since i know a whol slew of kims down here, they are designated which kim by what street they live on an so on. so after the game buffalo kim and i go out in long beach happy from the win, and continue the celebration. she leaves with my friend doug, and i turn and introduce myself to this extremely cute girl, victoria. we chatted for awhile, and i got her number. we have been out and talk on the phone, and we were supposed to go out tonite, but she left work aroun 2 with a migrane. we chatted when she got home and decided to postpone the date until tomorrow pending game time decision. other than that i have been spending a lot of time on the beach. thats about it. i actually have a lot of catching up to do with email. i will write more, just wanted to drop a line and say hi to all.

and here we are, jenks and myself standing on the other side of 30. Its not bad, doesn't really feel any different, at least i don't think so. Plus i have read a few articles that say 40 is the new 30, so taking that in to consideration, i, we are not much older than...well i will even be gracious...lets say 23. Honestly, most of the time i don't feel much older than that. by that i mean when i actually think about it. i feel like i just left college, and yet on the other hand it feels like a lifetime ago. there are a lot of "grown up" things i want, and that keep my head churning at a feverish pace when the street lights come on. a funny story about that. i stop at outback to chat with my buddy calvin about the upcoming week and any new developments on our key west trip. well this girl behind the bar, whom we are friends with and who just got engaged starts talking about buying houses. now i am sure that people are aware of the high prices for homes now adays. i have heard that even dear bufflao has seen a rapid increase in home prices. well homes down here are out of this world. this girl veeda, (sp?) is looking at starter homes that range from 585,000 to the mid 600,000. trying to wrap your brain around that can be nauseating. something like that makes me feel old, a bit panicky, nervous, and come to a realization that owning a home down here is going to be one hell of a difficult thing to do. things like this make me second guess some of my decisions. especially when it comes to employment. the financial advisor position that i have been offered, well not sure if i really want it. i have been on the fence for quite awhile now. on one hand it is a fantastic financial opportunity for me. on the other hand, is it really what i want to do? not sure. but i have to look at it in the sense of compromise, or trade offs. if i want to be able to build a life (ie. family, home) down here, which i do, i have to be able to earn a decent living. i would like to be abel to provide a comfortable life for my family. of course this is all thinking down the line, but sometimes you have to go and do that i guess. OR, i could move up to the catskills and start a homestead like commune. anyone down? well enough of this gloom, not so much gloom but serious gibberish. so yes a few of us guys are planning a trip to key west in october. it coincides with a fantasy fest which i heard is mardi gra in key west. i am excited, never been to florida. the only thing is the group of us going....well its a good thing its not a foreign country. Michael, Dan, Calvin and myself. 3 bartenders, and one former beer slinger. it should be quite memorable. well i am going to check out, yeah this one tailed of quick. sorry. hahaha

tender is my heart,
it is something that I have always known
and i am proud of that.

i miss being able to be tender,
the physical intimacy of tenderness,
the emotional honesty of vulnerability.

i daydream of the little things, the secret smiles
the silent whispers between closed lips and searching eyes
sighing when rolling over during naps, wiggiling into arms, pressing
bodies fitting like puzzle pieces

"sweetie would you like some water?"
sharing the glass, placing it on the nite stand and reaching up
for arms to hold, lips to kiss, pulling the down into the bed

stroking arms while watching movies
roomates coming home on a friday, or saturday night drunk
"Hey, what are you guys doing? You should have heard the band!
You should see who she hooked up with! What movie are you guys watching? I heard that was great, you know what else you two should see?!"
while we lay groggy on couches, or floors bathed
in the flickiering light of rented movies dancing across
television screens.

How i do miss being tender.
i often wonder when i will be able find this again.
I do miss being tender

the countdown continues to cinco di maio!!! everyone is waiting to celebrate in a wild night of revelry with jenks and codypomeray as they round the turn at 30. its amazing, these two vets, having been in the game this long. i am sure that plans are still up in the air for these two may babies, looking better than ever and looking to come out all pistons firing on friday. folks its going to be a wild one i can tell you that.

HAHAHAHA...now reread it with an announcers voice in your head. yeah i know you like it.


Friday nite we fun. i went to happy hour at tiki bar with my friend tara and her fiance steve. really nice guy. it was the first time i had met him. i have known her for awhile, but we have not seen one another in a couple months. its always kinda awkward i think meeting a girl friends guy. i don't know why. but it is. not the case with steve. well happy hour was cool, and then i moved onto the inn because my friends band, 1984 was playing. i was supposed to meet my other friend nicole with her boyfriend and roomate. as soon as i walk into the bar, who is right in front of me? if you answered kerri, you are CORRECT! tell em what they won!!! well we talked and i had mentioned that i have been going to the driving range and hitting golf balls. With that, kerri said that she likes to hit golf balls, and mentioned it a few more times. so i finally ask, do you want to go hit balls one nite this week. she said yes. next thing i know we are at the bar doing a shot. a friend ryan murphy walks over and says oh wow you two are back together? thats awesome. don't know why you guys split up to begin with, everyone was disappointed. i look at him, ugh. what the hell, no ryan we are uh not back together. so i walk away and find nicole, and her boyfriend and roomie. i am dancing up a storm, having a gay old time, and who is behind me, kerri, all smiles, and when we talk making sure that her face is securely pressed against mine, lips near the ears (she knows). funny thing was, music was not that loud where that was necessary. so now i go walk upstairs.

as i am walking to the upstairs bar to say hi to my friend rosemary, i run into this girl megan who i had met a couple of weeks ago. the girl kerri saw me chattin up (previous post, and no not the poker m) megan and i start talking, and then we are dancing up stairs. we end up hangin out for the remainder of the evening, and decided it was time to leave around 2:30 ish. it was along week, and i had been out since 7 or so. we'll we both walk out together, i am thinking holding hands, and hop a cab to her house. this girl has a huge apt, all to herself. we dine on pretzels and poland spring and both fall asleep. real sexy huh. we were spooning though, just incase (gotta keep up my appearances. hahaha j//k it was actually really nice.) wake up in the morning and call a cab to go to my car to go to work. as i am in the cab i check my phone. oh wow i have a few missed calls, and 3 texts. all from kerri. one said it was great talking with you. the other said hope i didn't harass you to much....i am sorry....hope you have a good nite. but the first one said are you still here? well obviously i wasnt. saturday i worked, came home and went to bed. yup

sunday was as interesting as ever. i seem to be able to chat up anyone nowadays (i will try and bottle up, or figure out whatever it is and send it on your way jenks, though i am sure you really don't need it) yesterday being sunday funday, and after having seen the mighty buffalo sabres hand the crappy ass flayers a sound thrashing i met my buddy mickey out at minnesotas. on sundays all of the local people (young people mostly) hang out side on the patio and eat, watch everyone go by in their cars, bikes, or gawking at the people who are walking to the beach for surfing, sun bathing or just walks along the ocean. the bar becomes packed and there is a guy playing covers on an acoustic. it is a lot of fun. its not enough that people go out thursday, friday and saturday, you have to keep it going to sunday. so everyone is in great spirits because of the weather and the libations. their is a loud din when the juxebox kicks in between sets, and then more people crush in. mickey and i were talking to these two girls, melissa and molly. it was fun, telling jokes, laughing, being silly. see mickey, being irish, having his brogue, has no problem with the ladies. he says, hi love, and shit thats it. their knees are week, and they just love talking to him. i on the other hand have to work a bit harder. be a little more funny than normal, do a few silly dances, you know that self depreciation stuff all of you wonderfull girls love. anyways. we are talking to the girls, and more people we know show up. so now it is like a little party of all of our friends. and more continue to stream in as the evening rolls lazily along. kerri strolls in with her roomate, kerry who doesn't really care for me (yes sorry to many kerris, and megans in my stories) they come over and end up being included in our group of revelers. kerri and i start flirting and it was like that for the rest of the nite. talking talking talking. telling her all of the things i want to do this summer, and would like to have her do with me. so mickey keeps telling me she still likes me, cause she watches me and all of that. see thats great, i know she still likes me, but that doesn't help any really. so now i am to call her and go hit balls. things just cannot be simple can they. she asked what i was doing for my birthday and then said she wouldnt be around for t unfortunately because her friend Ellen is getting married. ellen is a nice girl. i sit and think how the fuck did ellen and mike get to that spot. how did they navigate the perilous waters of dating? and come out on the calm (well thats relative i guess) a successful relationship. kerri and i are so messed up, kinda, well its messed up cause i feel, believe that it is a good thing, the right thing, and i think she does too. what if she wants to get back together? i thought about that today, not to put the cart before the horse, but that sounds awesome, and unnerving at the same time. i don't want to have to go through this shit again, at least with her. i could have so much fun this summer, but i want to have fun with her. ah, fuck it right now. i will hit balls with her, call megan, and keep chatting. sounds like a plan right?