I waited for her there, all night to come back. Until fourteen past three, until I fell asleep to the television's mumbling lullabye. I said to myself and to her dog, "Well, she won't be back for at least another four hours", then, an hour later, "She won't be back for another three hours, at least." This didn't make the moon shift quicker, nor time in that room at the Super 8 pass any faster. The Fresh Prince still took a half hour to talk himself out of whatever pickle he'd gotten into as the paper of my cigarettes took their time at peeling away, exposing grey fate, dwindling downwards to nothing save a shaky grip.

The numbers changed slowly, growing larger with my hips, damned moon, and nothing in that room could help it. I clawed at numbers I could control, could wind down through the dreaded triple digits and help me take up less space on the queen-sized motel bed I'd have to myself, envying Sleeping Beauty. She who got to pass out one night, no aids required, and wake up with no bed-head and a boyfriend who could waltz in a world that was light, and she in it. In the bathroom mirror, squinting under artificial light, I held onto myself and wanted that, knowing from experience that it wouldn't work for me as it did for Aurora. As hard as I try, I cannot seem to trade a kiss for happiness.

I started thinking, a dangerous pastime, at noises from down the hallway, colored as any other in the northeast, wondering if it was her coming back early. Even though by seventeen I knew better, still I rushed to the spy-hole to catch full, lively, drunken conversation coming from shadows cast on the opposite wall. If I could live in the space between that Aurora of a room and the life flickering before me, I would. There, from my two-inch tunnel, I'd learn all I'd ever want to know about what could lie between two shadows, sweeter than tension and heavier than echoes, but no space at all. Not even two inches.

have so much going on, ayie!! this weekend cannot come quick enough.
(e:ladycroft): i would LOVE to attend (e:thecarey)'s birthday party. if anyone's doing the carpool thang, let me know!


also, (e:drchlorine): yr ass is grass for that picture post, my friend.

just left (e:pmt)'s. am sososo tired and headachy. tomorrow should be painful.
it was fun though.


to all the (e:peeps) still going strong: DON'T SMOKE MY CIGARETTES THAT I LEFT!!!!!!! pleasepleaseplease i'm poor and unemployed and there was like, a whole pack PLUS a lighter!!!!

oh, and david's locked out in the cold cause timika's got his keys. yeah.

have decided that all the skinny girls i've put up in my room and locker and notebooks need to go. they were there for thinspiration, but maybe if i put up a bunch of fat girls i'd feel better, haha.

will i actually do this? no. drat.

i really want a wing=-man- like a clone of myself who could take my place whenever i'm too tired to handle something. like, when i have to talk out loud in class, or when i've got to talk to my lawyer, or when i have to get out of bed and shower for school. i could just say 'hey honey, it's all you', and second-alison would be more than happy to take care of things.
of course, i'd make sure i got to be the one to eat mcdonald's french fries, smoke pot, and have orgasms. but seond-alison would be okay with that, because she'd LOVE dieting for me and having to flirt and make the small talk with men that leads to the orgasm-having.

... i would never have to give another blowjob again, if i didn't want to.