gah. this is going to be another angsty post. y'all have been warned.
and so the dreaded divorce continues. my family is freaking out about my decision to go with my mother. a lot of people from my dad's side aren't speaking to me now. my grandmother told me that when i think of grandmothers, to think of the one from my mom's side because 'that's all you have now'.
so i've been pretty upset. i mean it's like i've just been dealing with all this shut up in this house. i haven't been able to go out except for like, twice this summer. my mom and i decided to take an impromptu road trip to franklin PA. it's this ridiculous hicktown, but we have a couple family members who just moved there from california so we got to see them. the ride down and back was hilarious, just my mother and i being dorks and smoking and calling on the spirit of thelma and louise. we left yesterday afternoon and came back this evening.
last nite i tried to get into a franklin bar with my mother and aunt but that town is so small they carded me, so i spent the nite at the super motel 8 in fucking franklin PA with my chihuahua, masturbating to fresh prince of bel air on nick at nite. my last friday nite before school starts.
which was fine, because i had tonite's date to look forward to. and then he bailed.
i'onno. i'm a stupid girl i guess. i got all cute and excited to go out and all and then, well, it's a long story that i'll hash out later but he bailed on me at the last minute.
i think i might go over to keith and jon's now for some much-needed chillout-ness.
i guess, in closing, i just want to thank everyone on the site who has been so nice to me and has offered me support. you really don't know how much it means to me.
take care, alison.
Alison's Journal
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09/04/2005 00:21 #20609
no good very bad summer.Category: divorce.
08/31/2005 16:39 #20608
sugar, we're going down.Category: divorce.
an insane week.
up until now, i had decided to live with my dad, so my mom was gonna move to arizona to live with her parents. i did this because my mom was drinking too much and i just thought that i'd be safer with my dad. obviously, this was not going to work out.
i've had a horrendous summer. no way to work because i haven't had a way to get to a job, no way to leave this stupid house because my dad's an asshole. and i can't do it anymore. i can't have him blowing up at me. i can't try and be a better person and get my shit together with him yelling at me all the time and expecting perfection when it's just not going to come. i'd make it come if i could, but i can't.
so two days ago he blew up at me about something stupid. except he was really scary. scary in the way he used to be, before he said he'd changed. it's the first time it happened in a long time, but i felt like the entire way there i had this sword of damocles hanging over my head. how am i supposed to try and be happy with all that pressure over my head? he could've blown up at any second, and he finally did. i won't go into the things he said, but they brought back enough of my past to solidify my decision. i'm living with my mother.
the divorce was supposed to be over today, but now it'll probably go on for another year because of my decision. we're all three of us going to have to stay here. we've been forced to stay living together for the past year and a half by the courts. i don't have any way to get to school or any money for school clothes or supplies which, sounds so bratty, but i can't help it.
i just got off the phone with my dad and he was talking about how mom and i won't have any money for college and how i'm going to end up pregnant.
kids take out student loans all the time, right?
i just don't see why he'd keep bothering if he hates me so much, i mean clearly.
gah. i need beer, and we are out. i suppose tequila will have to suffice.
up until now, i had decided to live with my dad, so my mom was gonna move to arizona to live with her parents. i did this because my mom was drinking too much and i just thought that i'd be safer with my dad. obviously, this was not going to work out.
i've had a horrendous summer. no way to work because i haven't had a way to get to a job, no way to leave this stupid house because my dad's an asshole. and i can't do it anymore. i can't have him blowing up at me. i can't try and be a better person and get my shit together with him yelling at me all the time and expecting perfection when it's just not going to come. i'd make it come if i could, but i can't.
so two days ago he blew up at me about something stupid. except he was really scary. scary in the way he used to be, before he said he'd changed. it's the first time it happened in a long time, but i felt like the entire way there i had this sword of damocles hanging over my head. how am i supposed to try and be happy with all that pressure over my head? he could've blown up at any second, and he finally did. i won't go into the things he said, but they brought back enough of my past to solidify my decision. i'm living with my mother.
the divorce was supposed to be over today, but now it'll probably go on for another year because of my decision. we're all three of us going to have to stay here. we've been forced to stay living together for the past year and a half by the courts. i don't have any way to get to school or any money for school clothes or supplies which, sounds so bratty, but i can't help it.
i just got off the phone with my dad and he was talking about how mom and i won't have any money for college and how i'm going to end up pregnant.
kids take out student loans all the time, right?
i just don't see why he'd keep bothering if he hates me so much, i mean clearly.
gah. i need beer, and we are out. i suppose tequila will have to suffice.
theecarey - 09/03/05 23:35
I think the rest of the e-peeps have it covered, but I wanted to let you know that as sticky as this situation is, and how hard it will be, hang in there, and do not let the family feuding pull you apart. You will decide what is best for you.
As for funds for college, begin looking now and asking your guidence counselor for tips. There is usually a way to work out anything.
Keep safe, be good to yourself and look forward with determination.
carey
I think the rest of the e-peeps have it covered, but I wanted to let you know that as sticky as this situation is, and how hard it will be, hang in there, and do not let the family feuding pull you apart. You will decide what is best for you.
As for funds for college, begin looking now and asking your guidence counselor for tips. There is usually a way to work out anything.
Keep safe, be good to yourself and look forward with determination.
carey
metalpeter - 09/02/05 18:00
Some Schools do give aid and then what ever aid you get you can usaly get school loans for. But be verry carefull before you go to school. Really think about what you want to do as a job. Also look into the avarage pay of that job and how many job openings there are. Reason I say that is I knew someone who went to school got a degree and was doing what they wanted to do, but it was a low paying profession so they got a second job. You don't want to do what I did not have a job from your degree and have loans to payback for a long time.
You could try a cheeper school like a community college(find one where the clases can be transfered as credit to somewhere else). You could also do the elmwood plan. That is where you get a Job on elmwood or the sourounding area. Get a couple friends and share an apartment and go to school part time or if you have enough money with out loans fulltime.
Some Schools do give aid and then what ever aid you get you can usaly get school loans for. But be verry carefull before you go to school. Really think about what you want to do as a job. Also look into the avarage pay of that job and how many job openings there are. Reason I say that is I knew someone who went to school got a degree and was doing what they wanted to do, but it was a low paying profession so they got a second job. You don't want to do what I did not have a job from your degree and have loans to payback for a long time.
You could try a cheeper school like a community college(find one where the clases can be transfered as credit to somewhere else). You could also do the elmwood plan. That is where you get a Job on elmwood or the sourounding area. Get a couple friends and share an apartment and go to school part time or if you have enough money with out loans fulltime.
joshua - 08/31/05 19:46
Your father needs a fist straight to the jaw.
Your father needs a fist straight to the jaw.
alison - 08/31/05 16:43
yeah, thanks you guys.
ladycroft-- my problem is that my dad's fairly loaded. yeah.
yeah, thanks you guys.
ladycroft-- my problem is that my dad's fairly loaded. yeah.
ladycroft - 08/31/05 16:21
Until you're 25 schools can still factor in expected parental contribution. Even so, you should still be able to get a loan, unless they are loaded. Keep in mind you are only allowed a skimpy portion your first two years, so school selection is important. In other words, you might want to hit community college (if you can't score some type of scholarship) then transfer to another institution. If you need help with any of that, just ask, I'm a professional student.
I'm truly sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your parents' dysfunction. Finding stability and safety in the place we call home is important to our well being. Look at all of your options before coming to a decision. Take care of you.
Until you're 25 schools can still factor in expected parental contribution. Even so, you should still be able to get a loan, unless they are loaded. Keep in mind you are only allowed a skimpy portion your first two years, so school selection is important. In other words, you might want to hit community college (if you can't score some type of scholarship) then transfer to another institution. If you need help with any of that, just ask, I'm a professional student.
I'm truly sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your parents' dysfunction. Finding stability and safety in the place we call home is important to our well being. Look at all of your options before coming to a decision. Take care of you.
jason - 08/31/05 15:47
I'm really sorry you have to be in the middle of that mess. You have my sympathy. Maybe your dad doesn't hate YOU, maybe it has to do with anger toward your mother, and you are the closest thing around to your mother. I have no idea. I'm not a therapist.
Hang in there. You've got a lot of epeep friends who will be very supportive. Change does not come quickly. It never does.
I'm really sorry you have to be in the middle of that mess. You have my sympathy. Maybe your dad doesn't hate YOU, maybe it has to do with anger toward your mother, and you are the closest thing around to your mother. I have no idea. I'm not a therapist.
Hang in there. You've got a lot of epeep friends who will be very supportive. Change does not come quickly. It never does.
paul - 08/31/05 15:45
That sucks but you can get loans, then you won't be dependant on your parents. You might have to go through a hundred hoops to get them though if you parents have money but it is totally possible.
That sucks but you can get loans, then you won't be dependant on your parents. You might have to go through a hundred hoops to get them though if you parents have money but it is totally possible.
08/27/2005 13:03 #20607
crazy does not even begin to cover it.Category: anything but clothes
um, so yeah. i don't know where to begin.
more to come later, if i can bring myself upright in bed.
more to come later, if i can bring myself upright in bed.
08/26/2005 02:51 #20606
love, alison.Category: deconstruct.
um, so yeah. i just now finished my new party dress, made from curtains...
it's either the coolest thing i've ever made or the ugliest.
i'm having coffee with my friend wendy tomorrow nite (actually, tonite) because she leaves to go back to college on saturday. saying goodbye to friends is really fucking sucky. i'm hoping i'll be able to stay awake long enough to party, as anything past eleven is definitely past this little girl's bedtime.
can't wait to meet some fellow (e:strip)pers!
hope everyone is sleeping well.
love, alison.
it's either the coolest thing i've ever made or the ugliest.
i'm having coffee with my friend wendy tomorrow nite (actually, tonite) because she leaves to go back to college on saturday. saying goodbye to friends is really fucking sucky. i'm hoping i'll be able to stay awake long enough to party, as anything past eleven is definitely past this little girl's bedtime.
can't wait to meet some fellow (e:strip)pers!
hope everyone is sleeping well.
love, alison.
08/25/2005 18:45 #20605
dream on.ugh, headache again.
went to the reservation with my mother today, part of our little bonding ritual where we eat mcdonalds and she buys me a carton of cigarettes. then we went to terrapin station for burnables and i tried to convince her to buy me a pipe, to no avail. tonite, i should really start my summer homework, though i have a terrible creative itch to screw around in my jrnl. ah well. i don't think i'm going to the little shindig tomorrow nite, on account of having no way of getting there and back to the fair road of middlesex.
(e:ladycroft): yr produce is AMAZING!! je suis very impressed.
went to the reservation with my mother today, part of our little bonding ritual where we eat mcdonalds and she buys me a carton of cigarettes. then we went to terrapin station for burnables and i tried to convince her to buy me a pipe, to no avail. tonite, i should really start my summer homework, though i have a terrible creative itch to screw around in my jrnl. ah well. i don't think i'm going to the little shindig tomorrow nite, on account of having no way of getting there and back to the fair road of middlesex.
(e:ladycroft): yr produce is AMAZING!! je suis very impressed.
metalpeter - 08/25/05 18:05
I thought middlesex wasafter delaware beore main and about 2 to 3 blocks away from Subway on Elmwood. How far it is for you I'm not sure but walking elmwood at night is fun sometimes you might enjoy it depending on how far it is.
I thought middlesex wasafter delaware beore main and about 2 to 3 blocks away from Subway on Elmwood. How far it is for you I'm not sure but walking elmwood at night is fun sometimes you might enjoy it depending on how far it is.
It makes me feel so sad for you to know that your family is treating you like you are some sort of human pull toy. I think it is, at the very least, a damn shame that any grandparent would say to any of their grandchildren that you no longer exsist. WHether or not there is anger, hurt, or baggage, there shouldn't have to be "sides" with you. You're supposed to be the kid here, not them. Sounds like you're more grown up than they are...
Keep your chin up, do what is right in your heart and don't like anyone tell you anything different.
Good Luck with school, too, by the way!
I'm sure there are lots of issues between your mother and father and maybe it even goes deeper into the family. I'm guessing that is why the grandparent(s) are upset that you picked your mother. But I'm guessing if you picked your father somepoeople on your mothers side would be upset. The part that is fucked up is that these are fully grown adults who take it out on you based on witch parent you stay with. It isn't like you are taking sides you are just staying with the one that you are more comfortable with. It is to bad that you are forced to chose sides. Divorce is all fucked up sometimes. I think you will make it through allright eventully.
It makes me ill to see adults project their own failures and dysfunction on an innocent child. ‘Child’ = ageless byproduct of human procreation. Where does anyone get off placing blame on the child and threatening them with abandonment? I’ve seen too much of this kind of bullshit in my line of work. Hang in there.