New Year's is one holiday that always depresses me. I'm not really a superstitious person but ever since I was little I believed that how I spent new year's (or rather how I felt on new year's) was symbolic of how my year was going to be. When I was young it was okay because I was generally with my mom, watching the ball drop on tv. And, indeed, that's how I spent most of the following year, with my mom doing uneventful things. It was good, I enjoyed it. But I remember one year when I was a little older my father called and made me stay on the phone at midnight (obviously he didn't make me, but at the time I thought I had no choice). I was so upset and the rest of the year was filled with turmoil involving him. Since then I have had at least one really good New Year's Eve and one really bad one. Now, New Year's is something I just don't look forward to. I'd like to be one of those crabby people who goes to bed at 10 o'clock and ignores the whole thing but deep down I'm scared that my whole year will be me avoiding things and hiding away. I'm not very social to begin with so this could really happen! Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that the next New Year's Eve will be irrefutably good. Even if the whole thing is in my head, I think it will make my whole year a little better.

I got a christmas card from (e:beast) today and she included this picture in it.

I think it's the best picture I've seen of the two of us together. I'm definitely going to frame it when I get back to school. Thanks Teres!!

I've only been home for two full days by now but my vacation is pretty much over. I still have to write all my final papers by the middle of January and it's going to be so much work. I wish that I could be home and not have work to do like every other year. Vacation used to mean doing nothing...I miss those days. At least I'll have a week or two at the end of January to do nothing at all. I'm going to use that thought to get me through these next couple of weeks. For some reason I just can't focus at home. It's so hard to work in a place that I now associate with vacation.

I'm also really sick of struggling with the same things over and over again. It seems like whenever I think that I am done with something it comes back up again later. Doesn't it seem like there are a finite number of things that we just keep reliving? I have the same fights with people, experience the same highs and lows, go through the motions of applying to things over and over, and then it all happens again. Maybe I just convince myself I am really done with something so that it feels like I have actually reached a goal. Without that feeling I might just never try. So right now I'm going to pretend that I am actually going to achieve something this year. I'll pretend that things will be different in 2006. Who knows, maybe they will...

Since I don't post very often I will take this opportunity to wish all the (e:peeps) happy holidays. More importantly, I hope this new year is better than any before :)