This morning I was puttering around the house this morning running a bit late to get some stuff done today when i decided to then change my plans. I figured, "Hey, Why not stop by Lewiston to grab some Orange Cat Roastmaster Select?" Then as I was attempting to find a parking spot when generally the only people you are competing against are Senior Citizens, PTA Moms and the occasional excentric I realized that the streets were full. At this time I realized, "Oh, S**t it's that Kid's funeral today over at St. Peters!"
I ran into the Cat to grab a large coffee, started to chit chat with a refreshingly edgy barista (I had been a bit disappointed with the latest employees that were just talking about boys and playing Dave Matthew behaving like the east coast version of valley girls) but that's beside the point. She told me that she lost her father recently and his funeral was the same day [Sunday] when JM crashed his car. So other than that I did have a quick group therapy session with her as I shared the fact that my 17 sister lost her life in a car accident 12 years ago.
With my coffee in hand I just decided to mediate on all that was going on around me and I just walked a few blocks in the village. I don't know how it happened but the next thing I realize I was in the back of the church listening to the Eulogy. It did bring back quite a bit of emotions. What I felt was like a spiritual steam when I was in the church as if gravity was much stronger and the air was heavier. At moment I can totally see how mediums can pick up on things. Yes, it felt weird going in there but I was just happy to remember all of my Catholic upbringing in going through the sign of the cross, genuflecting and the like as the big Italian guys that worked for the funeral home manning the back of the church seemed to initially give a surprised look as to think, "Who the F is this Dude dressed up in his hoodie?" I guess after I pulled out half of this semi obscure prayer as they were reciting it at the end, they were like, "OK he's alright" and were nice to me as I made my quick exit.
Maybe my logic was the following; I knew I was going to drive past the spot where he died as there is almost no way to avoid it. I guess I wanted to pay my respects and get a feel for his spirit before I saw it for the first time.
In the end I kind of wish I was more into the whole bereavement thing like my parents are involved. I just don't have to energy to give anyone as I have my own issues and am still recovering and will always be in some respect. The one bit of wisdom that I wish I could tell everyone that goes through losing someone just starting their adult life is don't put your own life on hold. In some respect I wish I didn't put myself second to my parents going through their tough time as through that process I do feel as if I missed out on mining some good years of my life in which I may have missed some good opportunities. That may seem selfish, but you do have to live life in the present moment, not in the past.
All I can really say, since not sure what else I should say but I have to say something is: Isn't it strange how just making a slight change in plans can give you this experance. One who beleives in destiny would say that something made you late so that you would experance this and that their is a reason. I admit there is a part of me that wonders about that. But there is another part that just think you where running late and this happened and you went through what you did.