ever have so many things on your mind, so many things going on, so many thoughts- whether any of them are interesting, humdrum or whatever, but you want to share, to write to keep connected, then the effort of doing so just leads to squat?

yeh, that's me right now.

even the mental effort to read posts and write comments can't get through the mental sludge.

Staying up all night and sleeping a few hours in the late morning is frying my brain. I swear I have dumbed-down these past few weeks. But all is worth it to help family to this degree temporarily. (e:theecarey,48091) & (e:theecarey,48112)

Not sure how much more I can stretch it out though- never been good on "overnights", and it really does make the rest of my life unbalanced, as any of you that have had that sort of schedule knows. Again, for better or worse, it won't be much longer. It has been a good experience and to look back on the situation later on, I will have been happy to have contributed my time and effort.

I can't imagine being in my 90's, healthy overall, but slowly losing pieces of my mind, for real. Dementia is fascinating- clear moments nestled between increasingly scattered and confusing ones. It must be frustrating to have less and less control, and everything that you have ever known to be on the edge of feeling/being lost forever. Sometimes the person experiences a whole new day, going through the motions, re learning expectations, having more experiences, then lose it all just to start it all over again the next morning.

Sometimes that would be nice right?

But then old thoughts creep in, making conflict with
current thought. Probably like having that sensation of wanting/having/trying to remember something on the tip of your tongue, but just out of reach- always.

And then to have people familiar and unfamiliar to come into and out of your life every day, on some level overseeing what you do, telling you what to do and/or helping you to do some of the most basic things. Sometimes you can do it on your own, sometimes you can't, and you know it, and it sucks. Having less control after a long life of taking care of yourself and your family must be incredibly.. frustrating, sad, etc.

And so, with other family members, I do what I can. I'm there to offer safety, look over the house, regular night checks, complete simple chores, listen to him talk, assist him when I can and should, oversee meds, take him to a day program in the morning, and whatever else is needed. I try not to interfere with his routines or self help skills, as I firmly believe that he doesn't need to have someone on top of him. I hang in the background as much as I can and step in when it seems that I should (such as when he puts on several pairs of underwear in varying configurations, tries to put one pair of shoes on over another as he failed to realize he already has a pair of shoes on, etc).

He has a great sense of humor and he often makes me laugh.

And so, one day at a time for me as well. I try to get things done in my own life- so many projects that require my attention, and they have more or less been suspended until I can re devote my time to them. This includes gym time. In time, I will get back to all of it. Just need some good night time, rejuvenating sleep. My brain just feels so fuzzy-things are often just on the tip of my tongue as well, these days. As I was explaining to (e:pyrcedgrrl), I want to go from point A to B, but some how forget about B, and end up at point E, M and Z or nowhere at all.

But its all good.

Sometimes when we are in the middle of something, it seems so big, daunting and permanent, but really, in hindsight, it was a very small piece of time in our lives, a tiny fragment of the bigger picture.
I often remind myself of that when I go through things. I also have the propensity to bail when things are rough, boring, awkward or any other non stimulating uncomfortable situation that you can think of. Not all, but in recent self reflection, there have been times that i have now known this to be true.
So with this, I am challenging myself to hang in there.

and I will.

made me laugh

My windows and front door are open!

It smells so good outside! The milder temps and a little rain sprinkle makes the earthy yummy smells that I enjoy so much.

I can hear those awesome spring creature sounds!

After being sick a week, my icky germy apartment got a decent partial clean. I got the major rooms done, just need to finish up tomorrow.

I'd complete it tonight, but I go hang out with my elderly gentleman friend. Overall, even mild dementia is sad, but it sure has its funny moments too. He never fails to make me smile.

So said cleaning, feels really really good. Now that I am sitting and typing (and eating) real quick before I go, I am cooling off. Windows and door will be shut soon. Cats enjoying the air too. I almost wish I could stay home tonight to enjoy it, haha

btw, I am currently obsessed with Clorox Clean-up. I am very sensitive to cleaners, and can only use mild ones, as most irritate my lungs. I've been using various earth friendly varieties for years and Murphys Oil soap. Thats pretty much it. However, my BF uses the clorox stuff, and somehow things just seem more clean- look, smell and feel clean. So, I bought a bottle of Target brand for myself. Wish I could use it on everything, but it was good just to go over my kitchen and bathroom with.

Made a quick super yummy dinner. Simple cut up piece of boneless chicken breast sauted with some 'Asian' seasonings (a blend of dry spices- too many to list, but super good). Then tossed in a vegetable mix (cauliflower, carrot, snap peas, onion and red pepper). Mixed together, so delicious.

I ordered my netbook. After much deliberation, I went with the Acer. I can't hardly wait for it. I'll post more about it once it comes in. yay!

crap, gotta go.

have an awesome night!

edit: wow, I just realized this is my 600th post. Neato!

I am so ready to do some spring cleaning.

I just really can't wait to move everything around and wash it all down. Vacuum, dust, scrub and refresh. Clear out the cobwebs and bring a sense of revitalization to my simple living quarters. It feels good to do that. The fresh air outside has me itching to do all this. But I am still sick and not physically motivated after pulling a few all nighters with the older gentleman I take care of at night. (e:theecarey,48091)

soon though, sooooooonn!

in the meantime, just the basic cleaning will commence.

the occasional Super Deep cleaning is rather fun with the right music and energy levels.(and strong coffee!)

I think the day to day stuff is boring- such as dishes and litter box duty. It is always just there and it never feels like I accomplished anything. Nothing feels or looks different.

Vacuuming, dusting and floor washing is done sorta regularly, but still nothing special.

But getting all crazy and moving things around and really getting into every surface level, whether it needs it or not, is equivalent to clearing up some mental clutter. I personally feel good afterward; like I just had a cerebral spring clean. Clearing out the dark and dusty spaces of my mind and home after a long winter. Lame, yeh, maybe. But I bet some of you are on par with this? :D

Not sure when my clean-fest will be. I usually make a mess as I get into cupboards, drawers, closets, and other regularly neglected spaces and then organize and purge as part of the process. Then it all comes together so nicely. mmmmmm!

I'll probably find stuff that I don't want anymore, so I mind as well begin a pile to donate and maybe even have a garage sale again come May or June. I did well last year, with my first one ever.

so just maybe..

ack been sick.

everyone I know has been sick, and normally I can bypass the effects of shared germs by getting extra sleep. When I don't sleep, I'm screwed.

I have been taking care of a friend of the family at night. He is 90 years old. His wife of the same age is in the hospital recuperating from a fall. She is mentally with it and sprite. He has some mild dementia that leaves him a little confused at times. Each day is almost a new day. Some things carry over, sometimes I am listening to the same loop of conversation. Anyway, between family and friends, someone is with him all the time. He goes to a day program then visits his beloved wife (who he is insanely in love with- if nothing else he remembers that everyday) in the evening. At night, someone stays over. He tends to not sleep all night and needs reminders to do a few hygiene things in the morning. Someone is there to pretty much ensure his safety in case he falls or something. Not to interfere too much or take away his independence. Just be there.

So I have been helping out 4 nights a week. I figure that it is temporary (until she gets back home) and it greatly helps everyone out. Although I can fall asleep if I want, I find it very hard to do so.
1. it isn't my own place
2. the tiny couch is uncomfy
3. He is asleep by nine or so then up for a few hours by midnight, then on and off regularly the remainder of the night. I'm definitely awake when he is.

Some nights I can doze off for an hour at a time for a combined and broken 2-3 hours max. Thats a good night. I go home in the morning and eventually grab three hours of straight solid sleep. That really messes with me!

I'm not complaining- just leading up to my being sick this weekend. As when everyone around me was getting sick, I ended up the same, especially after a few sleepless nights. Pretty much a cold- snots, stuffed nose, achy eyes, disconnected feeling.

Overall I'm not concerned about the lack of sleep situation, as it is temporary (otherwise couldn't continue for long term), and this gentleman is such a joy to be around.A true personal learning experience.

I've never been around "older" people. Actually, I am rarely if ever around anyone on either side of my life age continuum- ie; no one especially advanced in age or babies/toddlers. My grandparents died around the time of my birth, I have little family so no babies around, and my friends don't have/don't want kids- so no babies lurking around. I don't personally want any and the youngest kid I am around now a days is my boyfriends 3 yr old son, whom I see/hang out with on part of the weekend.

For the oldest I am around on occasion would be my aunt and uncle who are 70, so I guess that could count, but they are so young, hip, worldly and energetic that I have in my mind that that is the standard for that age. Maybe it is, if not, I hope to be just like them.

But 90- wow. It is surreal to think how much someone of that age has seen and gone through. For those that are healthy and mentally clear, I imagine it to be quite an experience to look back on their lives and realize what things were important and what things were stupid time wasters. What are the regrets, what are the moments of satisfaction that carried throughout the years?
and what it must be like to fade away, if you happen to suffer from mild dementia. Some times you are there, sometimes not, sometimes you hover in between. It must be difficult to watch someone you love hang there too. As dementia worsens, they aren't dying per se, but they are slipping away. That is scary.

So this has made me think of my own mortality lately..

where I want my life to go, what I want to put more effort into, what I want to put less effort into, what matters, what really doesn't, what sort of care and prospects do I want/need if I happen to get into late geriatric years. Also, what do I want to leave behind in terms of who I am... and does it matter?

So those are some of my thoughts as of late.

that and which netbook I plan to purchase this week. Asus? Acer? HP? Dell? I'd like to keep it cheap. My laptop is working at the moment and is why I can post, but I need something asap for the next round of when it doesn't work.


Well, right now, I have to get ready to head back out to his place. Being sick and sleeping part of the day, I have totally missed out on the nicer, warmer sunnier weather. Hope you have been enjoying it!