Yo.

Ok, so sorry this entry is going to be all like "I'm a girl and I'm a little dramatic".

So I'm 23 years old. I have been single for a while. This is for a variety of reasons, one of them mostly being that most of the men I surround myself with are gay or way too old for me or already married.

This is actually fine with me. I genuinely enjoy being single while I'm studying my butt off and basically I'd have to really really really want a particular person to consider letting them interrupt my life as is.

Whoops.

I haven't been genuinely and seriously interested in someone since this guy from college who lead me on and I won't get into the details but he lead me on for quite a while and said things and did things he had no business doing or saying and it messed me up for a little bit. He took advantage of the situation of two girls paying him lots of attention and basically screwed me over. Jerk. But now he's a hot mess living in NYC and apparently doing drugs? Advantage: Anne.

Anyway, since then I've been happily unattached, a few innocent hook up type dealies in college and a few HILARIOUS and terrible dates, but mostly not interested in a relationship.

Of course in the last few months I've started getting to know this guy and he's basically perfect. Well, perfect for me. He has his flaws of course but really he's damn near perfect for my purposes. He's smart, incredibly funny and witty, cute, great smile, tall enough and is really sweet and thoughtful.

Ok, 2 catches. First he's basically too young for me and he has a girlfriend. He actually has only mentioned the girlfriend in passing twice and his Facebook status says so. I thought this was no big deal, she lives far away and he basically never mentioned her. Not so much. They've been dating for at least three years. Time for a change, right? That's what I think anyway.

The age thing really isn't a big deal. It's not like he's 16. I always find myself interested in younger guys for some reason.

I just can't believe this. I thought this kind of crap wasn't supposed to happen after like college was over. You're not supposed to fall hard for someone like this. That's what I always thought would be the case. Shouldn't I have gotten some sense by now? Where has all the "I'm never going to fall like that again for someone" malarkey I've been building up? At least he's not a douchebag who's leading me on intentionally.

I honestly feel like I'm 16 when I think about him. Butterflies in the stomach like crazy.

I can guarantee you he has no idea. I've been avoiding talking to him so as to avoid being too in his face.

We just can talk so easily both face to face and even freakin' online. UGH.

I just can't believe I'm back in this place.

Haha the only difference between this situation and all others is that even though I know I'm not going to be winning any sexiest woman alive contests, I am definitely prettier than his girlfriend, hahaha she's kinda busted.

We're not at the "I need to tell him" point. I know that point and we're at least 2 or 3 more interactions before we even think about that point.

It just tough and surreal. You know what I mean about this feeling? Its just so exciting and smiley and hearts and puppies and confetti. I want to enjoy the happy warm fuzzies I feel but its hard to just let go and enjoy having a crush when the last time I did that it ended up breaking my heart kind of sort of.

Boys are frustrating creatures.

Its 3:30 am. I just finished my last real paper and "response" that was supposed to be due last week but I just kept putting it off.

I love when the basis of a paper is completely disagreeing with another writer's interpretation of a work of literature. Its especially enjoyable when that article was published in 1958. I'm pretty sure if the author is still kickin' she wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight.

Remember when you were in 6th grade and writing 350 words seemed like an insurmountable task? My blood pressure was hovering at normal when after my final this morning I had the task ahead of me of writing a 4 page paper (roughly 1500 words) I hadn't yet picked a topic for. If you combine all the time spread out from about 12:30pm-2:00am in which I ACTUALLY worked on the paper, it probably took me 2 hours. Well, 2 1/4 if you count the 15 minutes it took me to find a decent and short article to use. I didn't initially intend the paper to just be a vehicle to rip someone's writing apart, but it was a nice change of pace rather than spending 4 pages writing about the symbolism of the sound of a string breaking in Act 2 of The Cherry Orchard. Excuse me a second, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Anyway, I cannot WAIT for Saturday. I plan to sleep for about 2 days.

So roughly every couple of months or so I develop a "lets find something to occupy my day dreams" crush on someone. I'd say 95% of the time this crush is based on nothing but someone I pass on campus every day or have a class with or someone who sells me coffee and there is no indication it will go anywhere past my head. Sometimes its more than that, but not frequently. However, I'm fresh out of candidates. The former love of my life, the aforementioned Canadian dreamboat hockey player named Jesse is a total bust. Not only is he a moron, he didn't even read the book we were supposed to read for a final presentation and his contribution reflected that. He never flat out said he didn't read it, but if he did read it, he has a funny way of showing it. He was really non communicative leading up to our presentation causing me more stress than was necessary. Boo. So the "imaginary Canadian dreamboat hockey playing English teacher Jesse" I created is way better than "real kind of dumb, doesn't contribute to projects or communicate with his partners Jesse" and now that I officially know that, its over. Sad times. Our imaginary break-up was very difficult for us both.

54-31 Bills over Chiefs.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.... that was just what I neeed to end this "OMG BUFFALO SPORTS TEAMS SUCK" slide of sadness.

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Trent Edwards was AMAZING!!! Such good times.

6-5. Keep it rollin'!!!!

Yo why do I keep wanting to write about music? Maybe its because I just got a new (old) iPod and I'm so happy to have music to listen to that isn't one of my 3 CDs I currently own. Getting your hard drive wiped and then iPod stolen is NOT sweet.

I currently need a regular part time job. I work at HSBC Arena but that's only like a few times a month. Of course after the 10 or 15 applications I've filled out, the only one that responds is another job that seems even less consistent than the Arena. Its teaching SAT prep to students. Good for the resume as I'm working towards teaching high school English. Bad because I only got a 540 on math when I took the test in, uhhh, 2002? And my math skills have seriously plummeted since then. Hopefully they're only looking for someone to teach the language arts category and someone else can cover math.

My "oh lord, please don't talk, because when you talk I see how stupid you are" crush, Jesse, WAS in class yesterday but, alas, we were unable to discuss our future together because 1. we did not meet to discuss our presentation and 2. we have no future together.

I like literature (duh), I like talking about it, I enjoy teaching it, I enjoy seeing how different people from different lives react personally to the same text. Even if you have 20 white jewish girls from the 'burbs reading the same book, they have different reactions. In spite of their similar superficial background, they're all different. However, at some point personal reaction can go too far.

In my Contemporary Lit class we're reading a graphic novel called Persepolis by Iranian born writer Marjane Satrapi. I HIGHLY recommend this book, its a super easy read and really gives great insight while striking a balance between "life in Iran" and "life as a woman". There's not a lot of plot to unpack, its straight up, but really interesting.

ANYWAY, the book centers around the Islamic revolution and the instituting of veils and fundamental principles on Iran. Therefore, religion is a strong and powerful overriding theme in the book, its unavoidable and a natural jumping off point for discussion of the book.

This guy in my class who's kind of a toolshed immediately drew a parallel between Islamic fundamentalists and Evangelical Christians. In the United States, the closest thing we have to the dominating outspoken radical religious thinking of Islamic Fundamentalists is Evangelical Christianity. I understand there are others, but at this moment in our history, they're pretty much in our faces all the time. Them and Mormons.

So the toolshed with 2 nose piercings, a really awful lisp and an overall vibe of "I haven't showered lately" starts talking about Evangelical Christianity and basically gets about 2 words out before the girl sitting next to him goes on the attack about how she's an Evangelical Christian and she doesn't like the comparison and basically told him to stop talking about it. The only other time this girl talked in class was to talk about how she voted for McCain and she wanted us to all know that not EVERYONE there voted for Obama. No one assumed that was the truth, btw, but, for the recordm the majority of the class, including the professor, was pro-Obama.

The reason I bring this up is, should the guy have stopped? Was it appropriate for her to ask him to stop because she felt that he was going to generalize? The guy honestly didn't get a whole sentence out, he said basically "In this country, the Evangelical Christians are-" before she cut him off. Should he have continued his comparison? He stopped on his own, the professor did not intervene. Was the girl within her rights to cut him off? Was she being too sensitive? I feel she should've waited to hear what he had to say before just freaking out at those first few words that said nothing of substance about her religion.

What do y'all think. Should she have cut him off the way she did? Was it her right? Should he not have made the connection?

Ok, so its not a sad place as in its depressing, its a sad place in that the music on it is awful. I have awful taste in music. This morning I've had an awesome rotation of Mariah, the pussycat dolls, the beatles and Lady Gaga.

I just don't put very much stock in the quality of the music I listen to. If its fun, I listen to it, if its not, I don't. Simple as that. That's why it drives me crazy when I meet people who are like music snobs and only listen to independent label artists who perform on "found" instruments from the war-torn regions of the Gaza strip.

One of my favorite bands of the moment is a pop group from Denmark called Alphabeat. The fact that I like such a random band is completely foreign to me. I'm used to being such a Top 40 lover, that actually liking a band that isn't regularly featured on Kiss 98.5 is weird for me. I think this delving into other music phase comes from the fact that my car stereo doesn't work very well and I really can only listen to 103.3, 97 rock and 92.9 and sometimes 102.5 and 104.1. Whoopdedoo.

I also tend to listen to songs they play at the Arena a lot, like City of Blinding Lights by U2 and I Don't Wanna Be in Love by Good Charlotte. I might be the only person in the world who thinks of Jason Pominville taking shots on net when I hear Joel Madden sing "If you've got nothing left, say I don't wanna be in love..."

Anyway, hopefully Jesse, the new love of my life will be in my next class and I can inappropriately ogle him while my professor talks about Young Adult Literature and I name our beautiful future half-Canadian children.