ever since (e:hodown) left, i've been hit by this awful wave of depression.
i get down sometimes, but this is really rare. all i want to do is sleep. or go to target. as i just told (e:hodown).
and some xanax wouldn't hurt. but she says there things are no good.
i shouldn't even complain about my life, or feel bad about anything. i have it made in the shade.
but i jut get so lonely sometimes. i've only made a few friends, and it is hard. it's hard having to put yourself out there and try to meet new people.
it's also hard not knowing what you want. i really only know what i don't want. -like christina from "vicky christina barcelona"
i thought by 25 i would have more things figured out, but i have nothing figured out.
i want it figured out damn it!
at least i know i want to be a teacher, if i can ever finish school...
and i know i want to stay away from men for a while. they only cause harm.
Lilho's Journal
My Podcast Link
09/09/2008 11:37 #45612
stuck in a moment09/04/2008 22:57 #45578
is it possibleCategory: hives
that i could be so stressed that i am making myself sick????
seriously, i have no clue what i could be allergic to.
for the past day two days. my body is attacking me. not just hives but a fever, and upset stomach.
and body aches. it was all i could do to get out of bed this morning.
and i went to bed before 9 last night after spending only two hours awake since 10 am.
i can't call into work anymore and i can't miss class. so i am just going to push through but this really sucks.
what also sucks is having (e:hodown) nowhere in sight or any friends really. anyone who really gets me.
and although i live with my mom, i never see her, since mon night i've seen her for five minutes this morning. and she will be gone all weekend.
i swear if i wasn't allergic, to everything, including myself i'd go get a dog...
i am now going to do homework and will the hives and fever away!
seriously, i have no clue what i could be allergic to.
for the past day two days. my body is attacking me. not just hives but a fever, and upset stomach.
and body aches. it was all i could do to get out of bed this morning.
and i went to bed before 9 last night after spending only two hours awake since 10 am.
i can't call into work anymore and i can't miss class. so i am just going to push through but this really sucks.
what also sucks is having (e:hodown) nowhere in sight or any friends really. anyone who really gets me.
and although i live with my mom, i never see her, since mon night i've seen her for five minutes this morning. and she will be gone all weekend.
i swear if i wasn't allergic, to everything, including myself i'd go get a dog...
i am now going to do homework and will the hives and fever away!
tinypliny - 09/05/08 07:48
Quite honestly, this doesn't sound like anything but a bad case of seasonal/specific allergies to me. But I could be wrong. Stress does not cause allergies, but often influences the outcome and aggravates the original exposure to the allergen.
Cellulitis/Lymphangitis? Not very likely. I wouldn't trust symptom diagnosis websites if I were you.
Quite honestly, this doesn't sound like anything but a bad case of seasonal/specific allergies to me. But I could be wrong. Stress does not cause allergies, but often influences the outcome and aggravates the original exposure to the allergen.
Cellulitis/Lymphangitis? Not very likely. I wouldn't trust symptom diagnosis websites if I were you.
imk2 - 09/05/08 07:43
oh and i found another really good site. check this one out. the doctor asks you questions as if you're really in the doctors office. and they ask very through questions. try this one out. i couldn't answer all the questions for you because i didn't know exactly the temperature you had, whether you had been throwing up or pooping or how exactly your rash looked. for a while it looked like they were asking whether you may have lyme disease.
have you been hiking lately? did you notice a tick bite? i can't see exactly what kind of rash it is. he asks several questions as to the kind of rash it is, where did it originate what shape it is, does it have blisters, does it look like a bullseye with a pale center, etc.
check this one out first and let me know what it comes up with.
:::link:::
oh and i found another really good site. check this one out. the doctor asks you questions as if you're really in the doctors office. and they ask very through questions. try this one out. i couldn't answer all the questions for you because i didn't know exactly the temperature you had, whether you had been throwing up or pooping or how exactly your rash looked. for a while it looked like they were asking whether you may have lyme disease.
have you been hiking lately? did you notice a tick bite? i can't see exactly what kind of rash it is. he asks several questions as to the kind of rash it is, where did it originate what shape it is, does it have blisters, does it look like a bullseye with a pale center, etc.
check this one out first and let me know what it comes up with.
:::link:::
imk2 - 09/05/08 07:24
this is what i was able to find on a symptom diagnosis website.
i noted that you have a fever and then the flowchart asked if you had "a rash that's red, tender and warm or a red streak on your arm or leg?" which was the closest thing i could find to your condition. it didn't mention anything about fatigue, but based on those two symptoms you could have "an infection of the skin or lymph system, such as CELLULITIS or LYMPHANGITIS."
both need to be treated with antibiotics.
here's the website. :::link:::
this is what i was able to find on a symptom diagnosis website.
i noted that you have a fever and then the flowchart asked if you had "a rash that's red, tender and warm or a red streak on your arm or leg?" which was the closest thing i could find to your condition. it didn't mention anything about fatigue, but based on those two symptoms you could have "an infection of the skin or lymph system, such as CELLULITIS or LYMPHANGITIS."
both need to be treated with antibiotics.
here's the website. :::link:::
imk2 - 09/05/08 07:15
i dunno, a rash all over the body, fever, body aches and lack of energy does not sound like just a stress related illness. i think this is something that needs to have a diagnosis. i say you should make an appt with a doc.
don't you work in a hospital or something? you could be inadvertently making your patients sick if you are walking around with something. i say go check it out.
i wish we still had jenks around to diagnose us. but tiny, can you think of anything that would have those symptoms?
i dunno, a rash all over the body, fever, body aches and lack of energy does not sound like just a stress related illness. i think this is something that needs to have a diagnosis. i say you should make an appt with a doc.
don't you work in a hospital or something? you could be inadvertently making your patients sick if you are walking around with something. i say go check it out.
i wish we still had jenks around to diagnose us. but tiny, can you think of anything that would have those symptoms?
tinypliny - 09/04/08 23:17
That is really awful. :/ Autoimmune disease has known to be influenced by stress. So yes, its possible. Its very likely that a million other factors are also contributing to the condition. Are you sure you have not
- been eating anything foreign/new/out of the ordinary eg. like new candy etc.?
- bought food from any new shop/source/store?
- have any new adhesive/upholstery/furniture exposure?
- new products in and around home/work?
- bitten/stung by some insect?
- been introduced to any new medication/cosmetics/drugs?
Other than that, have you been vaccinated for hepatitis A/B?
Maybe you should see a doctor just to be safe.
That is really awful. :/ Autoimmune disease has known to be influenced by stress. So yes, its possible. Its very likely that a million other factors are also contributing to the condition. Are you sure you have not
- been eating anything foreign/new/out of the ordinary eg. like new candy etc.?
- bought food from any new shop/source/store?
- have any new adhesive/upholstery/furniture exposure?
- new products in and around home/work?
- bitten/stung by some insect?
- been introduced to any new medication/cosmetics/drugs?
Other than that, have you been vaccinated for hepatitis A/B?
Maybe you should see a doctor just to be safe.
08/30/2008 21:28 #45517
what i liketo start i really like, target, pronounced as if it were a french store. i think if i had to choose only one place to shop- i could really get by there. plus it is one of the only places to shop in fountain hills.
that said, i went today with (e:hodown). i was allowed to make some purchases. among those was a sticker collection that pretty much sums up me. she pointed it out, and it went into the basket of fun. not really sure what i will ever do with it, but i love it.
i am thinking of some buffalo commercial jingle where they sing, "and never pay full price again", and i think that could be a motto for my life. i wish college courses could come at a discount...
i also wish that my financial aid wasn't completely effd up right now, all of my money has been sucked up by the school, and one of my loans went into default, because my status is showing as withdrawn. one of my friends says she had the same issue before and it was easy to deal with, but they couldn't have notified me sooner???? my faith in computers is failing me, as i'm sure this is some sort of computer glitch...
i must remind myself now that it will al be ok and throwing a giant tantrum will not solve the issue, waking up at 6am on tues will. also, i am so glad i live here and not in louisiana where there is a mandatory evacuation right now.
i have a family that loves and cares for me, and i have glittery stickers. and i get to be the dd and go to some irsh pub to watch a irish rock band play crappy music... that should be interesting.
anyway, here are the stickers that perked up my day.
that said, i went today with (e:hodown). i was allowed to make some purchases. among those was a sticker collection that pretty much sums up me. she pointed it out, and it went into the basket of fun. not really sure what i will ever do with it, but i love it.
- also note, that it was on clearance, which also something i not only like, but love.
i am thinking of some buffalo commercial jingle where they sing, "and never pay full price again", and i think that could be a motto for my life. i wish college courses could come at a discount...
i also wish that my financial aid wasn't completely effd up right now, all of my money has been sucked up by the school, and one of my loans went into default, because my status is showing as withdrawn. one of my friends says she had the same issue before and it was easy to deal with, but they couldn't have notified me sooner???? my faith in computers is failing me, as i'm sure this is some sort of computer glitch...
i must remind myself now that it will al be ok and throwing a giant tantrum will not solve the issue, waking up at 6am on tues will. also, i am so glad i live here and not in louisiana where there is a mandatory evacuation right now.
i have a family that loves and cares for me, and i have glittery stickers. and i get to be the dd and go to some irsh pub to watch a irish rock band play crappy music... that should be interesting.
anyway, here are the stickers that perked up my day.
tinypliny - 09/01/08 20:05
You could paste them on random trees. They would be like a standing ovation to your loves. :)
You could paste them on random trees. They would be like a standing ovation to your loves. :)
08/28/2008 11:36 #45484
happy bday terryCategory: birthdays
i love you! and wish i could be there to get cracktivated with you! you are such an important part of my life and an amazing friend!
terry - 08/28/08 18:52
thanks for the posting the most beautiful pic of me evah!!!
no really, why not the ones of me in that fab dress if the intent is to mortify me? C'mon!!!
miss you :p
thanks for the posting the most beautiful pic of me evah!!!
no really, why not the ones of me in that fab dress if the intent is to mortify me? C'mon!!!
miss you :p
08/26/2008 21:16 #45465
what did you say??????Category: deafness
i have now added a new category to my blogs.
deafness.
sometimes i forget about it, because i deal with it everyday. but i came home from school today just wanting to cry.
when you can't hear 40% of what happens in class, or anything your classmates say, it is so hard.
my one professors speak in an almost mumbly whisper, and when i look at her smiling face, i want to punch her. i also would like tp punch the rest of my classmates.
the class is children's lit, and how the hell is this class gonna work if no one speaks up???? you'd think that people who are going to be teachers would have great speaking voices, or at least be aware of the need to speak loudly and clearly.... nope.
i have had to drop many classes before because of this very issue, and i am considering just standing up at the beginning of every classes and letting everyone know that i am pretty much half deaf, and they need to speak up.
this really doesn't work either, the volume goes up and then people forget and start mumbling again.
maybe this is why i hate group activities, or presentations.
if i could make one wish for my life, it would be to have better hearing, all of you who have it, im sure take it for granted.
it makes my life so hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that everyone makes a joke of it. it can be funny, but at times like now, it makes me sad.
what will i do when i go completely deaf???? i really think it is going to happen one day.
i need hearing aides, but they cost about 6,000 for the good ones, and i lost my old ones which sucked anyway. health insurance considers cosmetic, and doesn't cover the cost.
then i worry about my kids, will they all be deaf. i seriously don't wish it on anyone.
i am also dumb because i am so embarrassed by my hearing loss, that i don't tell people. and then they think i am ditzy(which i am, but not that much) or just a giant bitch. when i do tell people, it doesn't make any difference because they think it is fun to make jokes and "test" my hearing by repeatedly whispering my name at different volumes.
it's getting to the point where i don't even want to try to bother having a conversation a lot of the time, because i know i will constantly be asking people to repeat themselves, and they get frustrated and just end up saying "nevermind".
my ears also constantly ring, which is called tinnitus, and i try my hardest to not hear it, but sometimes it gets so loud, it is hard to hear anything else. the tinnitus gets worse every year with my hearing. however, even if i was completely deaf, i would still hear the ringing, as it has nothing to do with actual hearing. people have had their hearing removed, and still heard the ringing and it made them so crazy that they eventually committed suicide.
i am not thinking of killing myself or anything like that, but sometimes it is a lot to handle having a disability that is considered too mild to get any sort of help; when it affects my life in pretty much every way.
i know this was a big huge vent, but i don't complain about my hearing loss very much or even tell many people about it, and it feels better to just get it out.
:(
deafness.
sometimes i forget about it, because i deal with it everyday. but i came home from school today just wanting to cry.
when you can't hear 40% of what happens in class, or anything your classmates say, it is so hard.
my one professors speak in an almost mumbly whisper, and when i look at her smiling face, i want to punch her. i also would like tp punch the rest of my classmates.
the class is children's lit, and how the hell is this class gonna work if no one speaks up???? you'd think that people who are going to be teachers would have great speaking voices, or at least be aware of the need to speak loudly and clearly.... nope.
i have had to drop many classes before because of this very issue, and i am considering just standing up at the beginning of every classes and letting everyone know that i am pretty much half deaf, and they need to speak up.
this really doesn't work either, the volume goes up and then people forget and start mumbling again.
maybe this is why i hate group activities, or presentations.
if i could make one wish for my life, it would be to have better hearing, all of you who have it, im sure take it for granted.
it makes my life so hard sometimes, and it doesn't help that everyone makes a joke of it. it can be funny, but at times like now, it makes me sad.
what will i do when i go completely deaf???? i really think it is going to happen one day.
i need hearing aides, but they cost about 6,000 for the good ones, and i lost my old ones which sucked anyway. health insurance considers cosmetic, and doesn't cover the cost.
then i worry about my kids, will they all be deaf. i seriously don't wish it on anyone.
i am also dumb because i am so embarrassed by my hearing loss, that i don't tell people. and then they think i am ditzy(which i am, but not that much) or just a giant bitch. when i do tell people, it doesn't make any difference because they think it is fun to make jokes and "test" my hearing by repeatedly whispering my name at different volumes.
it's getting to the point where i don't even want to try to bother having a conversation a lot of the time, because i know i will constantly be asking people to repeat themselves, and they get frustrated and just end up saying "nevermind".
my ears also constantly ring, which is called tinnitus, and i try my hardest to not hear it, but sometimes it gets so loud, it is hard to hear anything else. the tinnitus gets worse every year with my hearing. however, even if i was completely deaf, i would still hear the ringing, as it has nothing to do with actual hearing. people have had their hearing removed, and still heard the ringing and it made them so crazy that they eventually committed suicide.
i am not thinking of killing myself or anything like that, but sometimes it is a lot to handle having a disability that is considered too mild to get any sort of help; when it affects my life in pretty much every way.
i know this was a big huge vent, but i don't complain about my hearing loss very much or even tell many people about it, and it feels better to just get it out.
:(
museumchick - 08/27/08 14:18
Maybe your college has a disability service office that could assist you? I was wondering if maybe they could have another student who could help you take notes during lectures and interpret things that you can't hear.
That sucks that people think it's okay to make jokes about your hearing. It's cruel and rude.
Maybe your college has a disability service office that could assist you? I was wondering if maybe they could have another student who could help you take notes during lectures and interpret things that you can't hear.
That sucks that people think it's okay to make jokes about your hearing. It's cruel and rude.
tinypliny - 08/26/08 22:01
Sorry to hear about the tinnitus. :( Its very annoying and awful. I sometimes experience tinnitus when I am hypoglycemic or in terrible pain. My most recent episode of tinnitus was when I smashed my finger very hard in a drawer. I has such severe tinnitus that the world blanked out and I think I lost any other consciousness for a few seconds. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to deal with the irritation all the time. I am so sorry! Have you had your ears checked for impacted wax? More often than not impacted wax could be the cause of worsening deafness and tinnitus.
Sorry to hear about the tinnitus. :( Its very annoying and awful. I sometimes experience tinnitus when I am hypoglycemic or in terrible pain. My most recent episode of tinnitus was when I smashed my finger very hard in a drawer. I has such severe tinnitus that the world blanked out and I think I lost any other consciousness for a few seconds. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to deal with the irritation all the time. I am so sorry! Have you had your ears checked for impacted wax? More often than not impacted wax could be the cause of worsening deafness and tinnitus.
tinypliny - 08/26/08 21:55
I actually understand. Completely. I hate it when people mumble. It ruins lectures and classes for me. I have a very loud speaking (and shouting) voice and I think sometimes I annoy people because my voice gets too loud. But I can guarantee that you will never ever find me mumbling. I hate mumblers. If you have got something to say, say it out loud.
I actually understand. Completely. I hate it when people mumble. It ruins lectures and classes for me. I have a very loud speaking (and shouting) voice and I think sometimes I annoy people because my voice gets too loud. But I can guarantee that you will never ever find me mumbling. I hate mumblers. If you have got something to say, say it out loud.
25 is a hard year. When I was 25 (a mere two years ago, I know) I remember feeling crappy about my life and situation. Hopefully, like me, things will get better with time. Just keep focusing on the positive and keep yourself busy with the things/people you like. Best wishes from buffalo!
How are your allergy-like symptoms?? Are you feeling any better?