my secret girl crush is like, debilitating. i can't go into the place where she works b/c i don't know what to do when i get there. i don't know how to speak, and i feel like i turn all 200 shades of red and my stomach turns in knots and my feet tangle under me.

(e:enknot) keeps threatening that he's going to tell, but i think he's scared of her too.

easter is around the corner. i wish i could get a week off to just sit around and play zuma.


omg, i wish i could tell you guys who we interviewed for the project coordinator position, and the story behind it. you'd never believe it. unfortunately if i want to keep my job, i have to keep my mouth shut and as (e:paul) and (e:enknot) know, i CAN do, and do it well.


nothing new with my life. well...maybe there is....but i can't advertise it here anymore. i'm doing things that i don't want to...but i almost can't help myself (no not drugs). i think spring is making me extra, extra...um....receptive ? but then i hate myself afterwards. i need a super star affair to spice up my boring existence. i had a dream the other night that i was katie holmes and i was married to tom and he was doing all kinds of mission impossible shit like running on roof tops to save me from demons who wanted to imprison me in a life of pornography.

i got asked to go up to toronto this summer with my super secret cross country friend.....i asked marvin if he'd like to babysit while i go get my freak on. (oh and in case my super secret cross country friend is reading this....it doesn't necessarily mean that we will be getting freaky in toronto, but i CAN use the idea to make certain people jealous) but then again....you never know....

i feel like i'm sweating "fuck me" scent or something these days. the pheromones are definitely turned on high.

hmm...maybe i want to be saved? by a strong, smart, assertive, grounded, and gentle man? somehow i don't think that will ever happen since all men are either scared of me or put off by me. AND because those kinds of men don't exist. why is it so hard to find that kind of combination? where are the smart sexy men, that are charming and comfortable with themselves? the guys who can talk to just about anyone and are not afraid of rejection, but are not pushy or cocky? men who can dress themselves (WELL!!!). Why are there ABSOLUTELY NO MEN WITH ANY STYLE.....ANYWHERE??????
for fucks sake, learn how to dress! stop spending your money on playstations and buy a nice suit, maybe you'll get some more damn pussy!

maybe i need to focus on women? but seriously, who wants to date such crazy monsters? they require too much upkeep and attention and are the most fickle and insecure creatures on the face of the earth.

UGHGHGGHHHHHHH......i just want to feel that thrill that i remember feeling towards boys when i was in high school. that feeling like youre just going to melt into the ground if he laid one finger on you. that feeling you felt whenever he walked anywhere near you, your hair would stand on end and your breath quickened and you lied awake for hours, replaying his every movement over and over thinking he was the most beautiful and most perfect creature that ever walked the earth. and that feeling, once he did touch you, that you were the most feminine, the most beautiful and the most vulnerable girl in the world and you were alive only to be able to feel him beside you.

for christs sake, i just want a guy to make me feel like a girl.

i need someone to have sex with. must be hot and cool and charming, but not cocky or dumb. previous applicants need not apply. gay men and women, welcome.

im so over it.

i win, i win, i win, i win..........well...not quite.


ok, so i kind of tempted marvin and thats the reason he called, but still.
i text'd him, saying that he should not respong, b/c he'll loose the bet, but i wanted him to know that i miss him terribly. (because i really did)

AND HE CALLED! because that message made him sad :( and somehow in his brain, he thought he's already gone two weeks without talking.

but i decided to give him one more chance, b/c i led him to temptation and i want to be fair.

and no phone call.

so i said to marvin, that he would not be able to go a week without talking to me. he calls nonstop, everyday, all day. calls my cell, calls my work, calls my house. at least 5-7 times a day. i think i'm like his best friend or something. well...it's that...and it's that he really, really, REALLY... wants to get some of my booty.

he calls when he wakes up, when he goes to bed, when he's got women issues, when he's got ex issues, when he's horny, when he's sad, when he's taking a shit....you name the reason, he calls. half the time i don't answer the phone, but then he just leaves a 5 minute message that rambles on and on and on and the other half i tell him how annoying it is that he calls so damn much and end up aggravated and annoyed but it goes in one ear and out the other.

sample conversation

ringing phone.....brrrring...brrring..

me: WHAT!
him: what do you mean what?
me: I MEAN WHAT DO YOU WANT?
him: um...i dunno...i was just seeing what you were doing.
me: the same damn thing i was doing two hours ago, MARVIN!!! WTF!
him: why are you being so mean to me?
me: because you are calling me! what the hell do you want!!!!
him: fine bye.
me: jesus fucking chirst...BYE!


in all honesty, it's kind of endearing, and he does make me laugh, because really, he will NOT give up and tries so hard and actually he's been one of the very few people that 1. can stand me for extended periods of time, and 2. i can stand (for a very short amount of time). but it's safe to say that even though we broke up a long time ago, he has continuously been a very big part of my life.

however, i refuse to get back together with him. so his new mission in life is to get back into my pants. he tries so hard, and i tell him to bugger off each and everyday and remind him that when we were together he didn't want to have sex at all. and it's not like he's not getting any ass elsewhere. he's got someone he's seeing.

so i made a bet with him that if he could go for a month without calling or texting or emailing me, i would give him the booty he's been chasing...thinking that there was no way he'd ever be able to do it, but then the phone went dead and i haven't heard from him since.

this was on saturday and i have not heard from him all day sunday, all day monday, all day tuesday, and all day today.

i am starting to get worried. very, very worried that i'm going to be forced to pay out on my bet.

my mother is laughing at my stupidity with each passing day (naturally she asked what had happened, b/c there were no phone calls from him the last few days)

so the count down begins. i still think he'll crack.