My prior two posts are a bit spastic sounding. As I read over the initial "peacefully perplexed" post, (e:theecarey,371) it is evident that there has been some tweaking to my thinking. I understand why I couldn't adequately describe what I was thinking or feeling, yet it still needed to be documented in whatever forms it took; hence a few select words and pictures. Without realizing it, this very much left much for interpretation (goodness!). I will continue to chronicle in the "raw" with follow up rendered posts, if that is what I need to do, as I am sure to have more speechless moments. This follow up post barely touches the tip of the iceberg. I have gone from sitting in front of the computer, to pacing the hardwood floor to dancing, all the while the thoughts stream effortlessly through my head. Yet once my fingers hit the keys, the words come out awkwardly or not at all. I won't force it, as it will all eventually come out.

As mentioned, this year is all about me. mySelf. A focus on me, myself and I. This is a profoundly wonderful objective. It has always made sense to do so, and often it was the prevailing underlying current in my life. My posts of the past 18 months here and the other 22 years of writing depict this in the details. I had strayed away a few times and have been in situations that really tested my resolve; however, I continue to come out for the better, as learning, appreciation and continued awarness guides this. Now with a greatly heightened sense of awareness and a purely peaceful state of being, I am now operating in the most perfect way. Basically being that you have to treat yourself well, love yourself and be good to yourself before you can do that with or for any other. What is different in this phase of my life is that this objective has come in full tide- with magnificent waves, which I am riding baby, yeah!

I am open- I feel, I sense, I see, I "get it". I understand that now that I am connecting with and sharing with others all of what I have known through my life. It is only now that I am reading, listening, truly considering and seeking out other peoples words. There is more in the message than what is being said. If you are open, you just 'get it'- because it resonates within. And you are drawn to others and visa versa, relationships form and develop sweetly. It's a beautiful thing.

Another relationship that becomes attended to is the one between the mind and the body. My body is responding to my mind. My mind is treating my body better. I have known and experienced the effects of how I treat my body over the last quarter of 2006. I wasn't nice to it at all and I knew it. So many events and 'tides of understanding' led to the re focus on mySelf and my body is treated so much nicer. The effects of doing so are becoming apparent each and every day. My body is returning to its natural state. Watch out ;)

Having thought this all through recently, with clarity and detail, it perplexed me that just last night a message regarding exactly this was shared with me- deeply affecting me as I later reflected upon it. How strange that the thoughts that were going through my mind and heart are being spoken so eloquently by someone else-and to share that with wonderful people from afar and right next to me. Not one to sit still for long, I disconnected the call once the primary messgae was complete- I was not ready nor interested in hearing the static of others peoples voices at that point. Instead I wanted to think about the experience and therefore stood up and stretched. I proceeded to the porch door and looked out into the night. I looked all around taking in the new scenery. I was in familiar territory but not from this vantage point. All around me trees swayed in response to the evening zephyr. Would there be a storm tonight? In the distance a light flickered, its spikes of light shining in four distinct directions. I focused on its center. Soon, I was centered as well. The light eventually became steady and the breeze transitioned into a branch shaking wind. I could feel the energy around me increase in response to the strong gusts. My thoughts were in rhythm with the cold night air- questions to ponder such as: what am I doing,where am I going, how am I feeling, how interesting to feel so..comfortable.. and such a strong sense of deja vous.. wow..and I just let it all sink in- and this produced full body tingles, a sensation in my heart and a lump in my throat. I disengaged from my rumination feeling intoxicated. I could barely speak. What ever is that about??? Yet it felt fine in themoment. Slowly I gathered myself together and made my way back out into the night. Momentarily stopping to look up to the sky, I predicted that it wouldn't be long before the snow begins. A leisurely drive returned me to the mansion, where I would be all by myself for the next hour. After getting a bit more comfortable (kicking off my shoes, flinging my bra across the room) the effects of the evening continued to pervade my cerebration. I was not ready for sleep nor was I capable of reading a chapter from my book. I wanted to write, yet the words would not form. As this is all part of the process of focusing on me, I felt persuaded to try to capture the essence of the moment even if I didn't explain what it is.

Some of you asked if I was in "like" with anyone, perhaps even in "love". The comments, site messages and AIM messages were quite inquisitive today. too cute. I agree, my word choices made it sound like something specific is going on. And as it takes a lot for me to be even mildly interested, this would be a big deal. Carey in "like" woah! Well, you were right on and therefor my answer is yes! yes! yes!

Who?




Me! me! me!

And the rest.. will follow. It is just the natural course of focusing on oneself.


But it will take an equally self focused man to sustain my attention.

• sigh* a strange day after a strange night of dreams- details and revelations that hit upon major areas of my life. My imagination is intense and it is electrified during REM- fascinating when it seems to be just a story even more so when it seems to be showing me a few things about myself. Getting curious about tonights dreams!

a fortune quote:
"it is always darkest before dawn"
I shall make note of this. Today seems dark. There is a feisty energy in the air and I am feeling rather, sassy. I am in the mood to wrestle, to be blunt and take care of business, 'biznass'. I'm catching up on phone calls and making decisions about certain relations. It is a very social day and there is a sense of 'bad ass'. Such an opposite effect after last night. Old survival skills? Energy? A temporary dip below the line? This energy needs to be directed in a positive manner. Booty call could take care of it as much as a fist fight could (not that I would, I am a lovah not a fighter)- or unwantingly, exacerbate it. Some intense physicality is necessary. OR I can choose to refocus and continue my purposeful resolve..

we'll see :)


right now it is time to put on my warm jammies and have a drink with the peeps!

not able to quiet my inside, as the prior post describes, so I play with my camera in those moments and come here..





deeply now..

its quiet.. so very quiet. Around here, in the mansion, in my head.

and I have no words.

Its not that I don't have anything to say, it is simply I can not adequately put anything, any of THIS into words. Yet, I need to post- as THIS is post worthy to me.

a lump in my throat, a pitter patter in my heart, silence and a strange sense of intoxication is just the beginning.

did I just write that?

carey is ...

carey is....

carey IS.............


gosh, i need a new category.

going to think and visualize what I can not write.

good night, sleep well, please be safe..

AH HA!

I could barely sleep last night. Energy and thoughts bounced through me. Toe tapping, probably smiling, entertaining light dreams.. I woke with just as much energy, if not more. Nice!

There are big fat snowflakes dropping to the ground- so pretty! They are clinging to everything except for the road. Just the way I like them :) This is good- other than purposeful donuts in empty parking lots, I do not like to be concerned with driving far in the snow- myself or anyone else.

I am going to go play outside for a a little while. Go for a walk, perhaps take my camera. But not too long-- have to meet a friend then get going to an appointment.

Shortly I will trek out to Williamsville for a dental appointment. I don't love it, but I do go for cleanings a few times a year. I was there just last week for a scrape and prod. Happen to have a filling from childhood that needs to be replaced and that is why I am going today. I swear my frequent visits have nothing to do with my raging crush on my dentist.

He's so darn cute.

However, married with baby..

so the best I will get from him is Hot Oral.. Hygeine.

hehe

I have a slight pang of pressure in my mouth where the good dentist poked a needle full of numbing stuff. Although I considered opting to do without numbing agent for a filling redo, I went ahead with it anyways. My dentist is amazing. It is his gentle manner, soothing presence and kind, warm personality that allows me to fully relax and handle all that has needed to be done in the dentists chair. He is aware of my reactions, and often will lightly touch my forhead or shoulder with reassurance paired with equally soothing words. I respond to that and totally dig him for it. heh, great bedside manner-- hence my silly little very innocent crush.

The afternoon is advancing quickly. I am enjoying a cup of rapidly cooling Organic Yerba Mate Chocolate tea. The sky is overcast, but I sense the sun coming in through the large window behind me. To my left, a vase of flowers that smell so sweet. I will load a pic I took from my camera phone just a short while ago. Although they were a vase of cast-offs, I am very pleased to have found them on my desk when I came in to my room last night. I love love love flowers., and these ones smell so weet- their simple presense brightens my already shiny day. What kind are they? To my right, I have (e:soma) 's cd in play mode, which was borrowed from (e:ladycroft) a few weeks ago. It is really quite gorgeous to listen to. I feel like I am floating when I focus in on the beats. And in front of me, is the whole entire world- this is so amazing!- and the possibilities are endless. 'Anything is possible, nothing is impossible'. (e:theecarey,230)

I am working on creative projects- all hands on. I'm going to get honest, silly, dirty and gooey, and whatever/wherever the creation process takes me. I am very physical, imaginative and energetic, the list could continue, but in short- this should prove to be interesting. It will, it will. Its all about me, yes?

If you are cleaning out and have catalogues/magazines that you would otherwise toss, please send me a post-it. I am seeking various materials to work with.

I have a good start with a large pile of magazines that I pulled together while cleaning out my book closet. I have quite a few - from individual issues I purchased, to various subscriptions to hand me downs, I am set to begin. In this pile is a random selection of health, fitness, business, science, and "beauty" mags. Also, Oprah, Cosmopolitan, Playgirl and various home/pet/sporting catalgues.
I am hesitant to toss in my business magzines, yet what I pull from them will be relevant, so I suppose I could sacrifice a few. (Please forgive me, Fast Company). I have to seriously consider whether I can mangle any of my Scientific American (Discovery, Mind, any of those sub-issues), Entrepreneur or New Scientist. Those I read front to back inside and out; drooling and dreaming.

In considering cutting up various magazines, I must start with a memory and a bit of a mental meander. Now, I like a good healthy well rounded warped sense of humor. I can laugh, joke find humor in just about anything- very self entertaining. My thoughts also tend to lead toward the risque. (e:pyrcedgrrl) and I have been honing this natural ability for years. From the delicate years of elementary school, where we would pass notes to each other by dropping them off in folders on our desk labeled, "U.S. Male" (we knew how to spell and for many other reasons, we were purposefully separated from being in the same classroom for the remainder of elementary school) to mid-twenties ruminations of owning house-boys and/or strip clubs or the girls equivelent of a happy ending spa to present day gag gifts of love- (e:theecarey,15) . In light of this post regarding the cutting up of magazines for creative purposes, with PlayGirl, well, some of them have been used to cut out images from as well. One year, I rifled through a stack of mags to cut out enough images sufficient to decorate the inside of a birthday card to her. There was a picture of a cake and it certainly needed candles, eh? Since that time, even though I am pretty sure I tossed out the specifically chopped issues, I have always had a (not too serious) fear of someone finding one of these mags , inwhich they flip through and notice that all of the penises are cut out. I would conclude that we encountered either a twisted perv or disgruntled ex girlfriend. I fall into neither category.
Its a funny memory, and I imagine that (e:pyrcedgrrl) still has the card somewhere, haha. Hanging on the fridge perhaps? ;)

With this digression, I have decided that I will pass on adding old issues to the pile and stick to the plethora of mags I tossed in my car. There is a lot to work from and I imagine that really great images, visions, stories and truths will emerge. This will be fun. Gratitude is bouncing high. *boing boing boing*


A few pictures taken using the Pocket PC. The pretty smelling flowers. Tall green stalks, white six petaled flowers. They look and smell familiar, but I do not know what they are called. The following ce pictures were taken yesterday after my dental appointment in Williamsville area. These don't show what I saw, but if you were outside at all, you would have seen the beauty of 'tinsel' covered trees. Some spots along the highway (particularly those in the Y-Town portion of the highway) had the sun hitting the trees in such a way that the land looked surreal, like a fantasy land. I half expected little fairies to come flittering out of the forest. I must learn to bring my camera with me everywhere. That is a must! No more relying on camera phone pics!

















Time to shower, do some stretching and then.. read until my next adventure begins. Have a splendid day, peeps.

My key words for today: Creation, Imagination, Exploration, Excavation, Rumination....