My prior two posts are a bit spastic sounding. As I read over the initial "peacefully perplexed" post,
(e:theecarey,371) it is evident that there has been some tweaking to my thinking. I understand why I couldn't adequately describe what I was thinking or feeling, yet it still needed to be documented in whatever forms it took; hence a few select words and pictures. Without realizing it, this very much left much for interpretation (goodness!). I will continue to chronicle in the "raw" with follow up rendered posts, if that is what I need to do, as I am sure to have more speechless moments. This follow up post barely touches the tip of the iceberg. I have gone from sitting in front of the computer, to pacing the hardwood floor to dancing, all the while the thoughts stream effortlessly through my head. Yet once my fingers hit the keys, the words come out awkwardly or not at all. I won't force it, as it will all eventually come out.
As mentioned, this year is all about me. mySelf. A focus on me, myself and I. This is a profoundly wonderful objective. It has always made sense to do so, and often it was the prevailing underlying current in my life. My posts of the past 18 months here and the other 22 years of writing depict this in the details. I had strayed away a few times and have been in situations that really tested my resolve; however, I continue to come out for the better, as learning, appreciation and continued awarness guides this. Now with a greatly heightened sense of awareness and a purely peaceful state of being, I am now operating in the most perfect way. Basically being that you have to treat yourself well, love yourself and be good to yourself before you can do that with or for any other. What is different in this phase of my life is that this objective has come in full tide- with magnificent waves, which I am riding baby, yeah!
I am open- I feel, I sense, I see, I "get it". I understand that now that I am connecting with and sharing with others all of what I have known through my life. It is only now that I am reading, listening, truly considering and seeking out other peoples words. There is more in the message than what is being said. If you are open, you just 'get it'- because it resonates within. And you are drawn to others and visa versa, relationships form and develop sweetly. It's a beautiful thing.
Another relationship that becomes attended to is the one between the mind and the body. My body is responding to my mind. My mind is treating my body better. I have known and experienced the effects of how I treat my body over the last quarter of 2006. I wasn't nice to it at all and I knew it. So many events and 'tides of understanding' led to the re focus on mySelf and my body is treated so much nicer. The effects of doing so are becoming apparent each and every day. My body is returning to its natural state. Watch out ;)
Having thought this all through recently, with clarity and detail, it perplexed me that just last night a message regarding exactly this was shared with me- deeply affecting me as I later reflected upon it. How strange that the thoughts that were going through my mind and heart are being spoken so eloquently by someone else-and to share that with wonderful people from afar and right next to me. Not one to sit still for long, I disconnected the call once the primary messgae was complete- I was not ready nor interested in hearing the static of others peoples voices at that point. Instead I wanted to think about the experience and therefore stood up and stretched. I proceeded to the porch door and looked out into the night. I looked all around taking in the new scenery. I was in familiar territory but not from this vantage point. All around me trees swayed in response to the evening zephyr. Would there be a storm tonight? In the distance a light flickered, its spikes of light shining in four distinct directions. I focused on its center. Soon, I was centered as well. The light eventually became steady and the breeze transitioned into a branch shaking wind. I could feel the energy around me increase in response to the strong gusts. My thoughts were in rhythm with the cold night air- questions to ponder such as: what am I doing,where am I going, how am I feeling, how interesting to feel so..comfortable.. and such a strong sense of deja vous.. wow..and I just let it all sink in- and this produced full body tingles, a sensation in my heart and a lump in my throat. I disengaged from my rumination feeling intoxicated. I could barely speak. What ever is that about??? Yet it felt fine in themoment. Slowly I gathered myself together and made my way back out into the night. Momentarily stopping to look up to the sky, I predicted that it wouldn't be long before the snow begins. A leisurely drive returned me to the mansion, where I would be all by myself for the next hour. After getting a bit more comfortable (kicking off my shoes, flinging my bra across the room) the effects of the evening continued to pervade my cerebration. I was not ready for sleep nor was I capable of reading a chapter from my book. I wanted to write, yet the words would not form. As this is all part of the process of focusing on me, I felt persuaded to try to capture the essence of the moment even if I didn't explain what it is.
Some of you asked if I was in "like" with anyone, perhaps even in "love". The comments, site messages and AIM messages were quite inquisitive today. too cute. I agree, my word choices made it sound like something specific is going on. And as it takes a lot for me to be even mildly interested, this would be a big deal. Carey in "like" woah! Well, you were right on and therefor my answer is yes! yes! yes!
Who?
Me! me! me!
And the rest.. will follow. It is just the natural course of focusing on oneself.
But it will take an equally self focused man to sustain my attention.
- sigh* a strange day after a strange night of dreams- details and revelations that hit upon major areas of my life. My imagination is intense and it is electrified during REM- fascinating when it seems to be just a story even more so when it seems to be showing me a few things about myself. Getting curious about tonights dreams!
a fortune quote:
"it is always darkest before dawn"
I shall make note of this. Today seems dark. There is a feisty energy in the air and I am feeling rather, sassy. I am in the mood to wrestle, to be blunt and take care of business, 'biznass'. I'm catching up on phone calls and making decisions about certain relations. It is a very social day and there is a sense of 'bad ass'. Such an opposite effect after last night. Old survival skills? Energy? A temporary dip below the line? This energy needs to be directed in a positive manner. Booty call could take care of it as much as a fist fight could (not that I would, I am a lovah not a fighter)- or unwantingly, exacerbate it. Some intense physicality is necessary. OR I can choose to refocus and continue my purposeful resolve..
we'll see :)
right now it is time to put on my warm jammies and have a drink with the peeps!
Well to me at least it sounds like maybe that huge wooden spoon will get used for something again.