I had a intense conversation with a former fling on Friday and it really got me to analyze everything in what I was doing and how honest I am with my latest ex-girlfriend.

In my LJ I posted this:

"talked to a friend last night begging me to cut off
the relationship that i have with my ex-girlfriend. In
some ways she is right in the fact that we are not
going to get married or should not period. While at
the same time i am pathetic in being afraid to be
totally alone. It is just i really dislike having
people instruct me on my personal life. Then at the
same time, finding someone else at this juncture is a
pretty heavy task."

Now I guess in a big way I feel like she is a buffer zone for me. Someone that I call upon to do things at the last minute. For example she accompanied me on Friday night when I went to Fallsview Casino to see the "Turkish River Dance" set to the Greek legend of Pandora and Prometheus.






After the party last night I went and checked out my favorite cover band in the world, The Karma Police at the Brickyard in Lewiston. It was a blast, yea I really became drawn to the songs off of The Bends but the whole social interaction of people that I knew for years was just mind blowing. I even ran into my cousin's wife Cindy.

The condensed story is she really wanted to act life my girlfriend. We haven't been "together" since January. So I just didn't feel the connection to PDA in a bar full of people that I see once once in a long while.

She obviously is wanting a closer connection that we currently have, although she was the one that dumped me in the first place. It is just making me sad that although this is going to really hurt and suck for a while it may be the best for both of us to cut off seeing each other and put the pressure on ourselves to move along and find other people (Seriously, not the half hearted attempts to find a new S.O.)

It just kills me since I just don't want to go a year or so without even landing a date let along something more. Yea, thinking like that may be setting myself up for a self fulling prophecy, but I did go almost 2 years without......

Yea after working for 7 days straight I think my mind went a little loopy. The most important thing out of this is I think finally after years of being stubborn I think I may be finally experiencing a breakthrough. On my 7th Day I went early to see my "shrink" on my last day and afternoon shift. Something he said to me actually got through for once. The state that I am in currently is a bit uncomfortable, but for the longest time I actually logically believed that I could not do anything about it. So I just stayed where I was stewed and festered. Being restless and uncomfortable but unable to move, but knowing with that there is so much more potential out there. I guess it would be like waking up during a surgery consciously aware but unable to move or communicate.

I don't feel that way today and hopefully it was stay and resonate through my life.

Going to pick up my new specs if I can get away from doing a productive endeavor at the moment. I will take a pic as soon as I can.

Just trying to figure out if the weather is going to cooperate for TATS.

At least I know what day is actually is today!

EDIT I'm going, heading up to the Square now. Yea a bit early but I have nothing better to do at the moment. No sense of working out right before the show. I'm going to be standing for 3 hours.

So I make a deal and work a 7th day today. My relief never shows up and I'm there for another hour until they figured out what to do. So I get out of there at 12. I'm contemplating going out to a bar on 3rd street. I drive by and there are a few people out. Nothing special but nothing dead. I just come home and shy away from drinking from my crazy brethren.

I come home to an empty house. My Dad is not back from his Germany/Florida trip. He comes home at 2am. From my place of employment!!! At least he brought home some leftovers from La Cascata!!!

All I can say is I'm really exciting when my Dad is living it up and I'm home in front of the computer....

Oh it is way too late and I am just too blurry to be posting anything. Haven't been home in 2 days. This is not special in and of itself except for the fact that I thought it was spring and turned off the heat. Temperature when I returned home from work this afternoon in my house....54 degrees!!!!! Needless to say it inspired me to clean the downstairs since it the conditions would physically prevent me from breaking a sweat in cleaning, and it did! :-)

But back to the topic logged on to my much useless match.com account to find that 3 people have "winked" or whatever they do to let you know that they have been checking you out. The first person was 19 and currently resides in Warner, New Hampshire...OUT and it also looks pretty fake.

The second is 4 years older than me and lives in NF Ontario. Not too attractive, but not a deal breaker...Kids and they sometimes live at home....Not too good, although not a total deal breaker...TV Show PRISON BREAK...........OUT, Totally.....Delete
That show caused way too many problems with my Ex. I can't stand sitcom TV drama. She loves that kind of stuff. That was the total deal breaker. Yea, I'm totally weird and harsh!

Third lives in Lancaster, quite a distance..Not good but not a totally out of the running. Not too bad in her pics. Looks halfway intelligent. Pic of her and her cat, same color as my Ex's......OUT
As a disc lamer I am most pretty sure I'm allergic to cats in the first place, but the same color.....Too close to home.

Yea I am probaly being weird and unreasonable, but deep down I know they just weren't for me at all.

As in the conversation I was having with someone at work this afternoon, "Where do people meet these days anyway?"

I'm not particularly looking at the moment but if I was I think I would feel really nervous right about now about any potential prospects or any kind of opportunity to have reasonable chance encounter.

Scary Stuff.

So I am just updating for the sake of getting to the half century mark. This weekend was pretty much shot. I have been working like a total fool so far this week and will until Sat. All I am focused on right now is that Karma Police Show @ the brickyard on the 27th. Anything else right now is just something that is just getting me by until then.

What is really doing the job right now is the CD from The Twilight Singers "Powder Burns." Just what I needed, a nice soundtrack to the drama that I have been going through with my Ex's over the last month. I just love that man Greg D.

It is just way too late or early and I need to grab some more sleep before I head off to work at 7:30 this morning.


Another random though, why is my myspace page getting hits all of a sudden? For the longest time I was lucky to get 2 or 3 every 5 days. Now it's 15-20 a day! What is the deal?