er, no, thats not it..

ah, Brokeback Mountain

I am a sucker for a hot guy.
This movie had two..

What I wouldn't/would do to be the filling in that sandwhich.

• sigh*

yeh, more steamy scenes would have been appreciated, deeply.

But my imagination can work out the details just fine.

I could feel the love in the movie..

And my new semi mushy self felt semi sad..

(e:jenks), (e:ladycroft) and myself met up at the Dipson Theater on Hertel (Palace Theater), which was jam packed. People were running down the street to get to the 7pm show. Opening night for this area and the only theater showing it as per movie listings www.fandango.com


Shoulda seen the masses awaiting to get in for the 10pm show..

I was about to post a comment, then decided otherwise.

Yuck

I don't particularly like that I am writing about this.

Especially so publicly. I will make it short. And maybe delete it.

Ever been a person that didn't "feel" much, never attended to it.. then at some point find yourself tangled up in a whirl of, um, emotions??

That anything remotely emotional would send you running, running as fast as you can because it takes too much effort and vulnerability to deal with it. Its messy and you are particular and have discerning tastes, so no one could really 'get in' even though they tried. That if you stayed away from potentially good people (guys) just so you don't have to worry about dealing with those feelings. Expiration dates are good, because you know that you will just have superficial fun in the moment, then go on.. Because it feels a lot safer.

Then you meet someone who has far superior emotional capabilities and the chemistry is right and you find yourself opening up with gentle persistence.

"I don't scare easy" they say, and that is wonderful; because you do. But you don't run, in fact you find yourself doing/saying things (and not doing things) that would never have been considered before.

And you care. You care a lot. It's become a part of you. There is no turning back.

You wish amazing things for that person. You find everything is about them and not so much yourself. I don't mean in a self neglect sort of way, but in that "I am no longer selfish" sort of way.

And you don't go anywhere, because you didn't think they would run/scare away.

But they did. *poof*

And that sucks.

No, it hurts.

Fuck, I hate that.

And you still wish amazing things for that person. With everything you have and all that you are you still want them to be happy, have success, fun, and would love to be able to take away their lost feelings, their past turmoil.. and you know you would, if you could.

It's a raw feeling. Maybe it will go away. I've never done this before.
I just know that the root canal I had done a couple of hours ago, is nothing in comparison to this.

And so I had to write.

To you, the first to challenge my attitude, feelings, knowledge set..

You know that I am authentic in my words, meaning and means..

I am not scaring off easily.

Happy New Years everyone!
(updated)
Many pictures to be posted soon. Don't hate us for the crazy drunken comments we left in approximately 14 journals, lol. It seemed a good thing to do at the time (2 empty champagne bottles later), while waiting to go to the movies, with (e:ladycroft) logged in under my name, and I over her shoulder mumbling things to her...


OK, so the year is over...
Snagged from (e:ladycrofts) journal: [inlink]ladycroft,156[/inlink]

Where were you when 2005 began?

On top of the highest roof of the NACC (The Niagara Arts and Cultural Center) , formally the old Niagara Falls High School. A bunch of artist friends who rent studio space there had a small gathering, which included going out on the various rooftops, climbing higher and higher, until we made it to the highest rooftop, so we would view the entire city, including Niagara Falls, Ontario and the various displays of fireworks. It was the scariest thing I had done in a long time. I am amazed at my courage that night and the amount of trust I put into someone else guiding me through the climbing. I am afraid of heights and have never been past the second rung of a ladder. I faced plunging multiple building stories; falling from a 20 foot ladder, the narrow ledges and other walls I balanced on. Freaky! I didn't have to do anything I absolutely did not want to do. I was reticent, initially, yet something compelled me at the same time.
It was amazing..
I love having that memory!


Who were you with?

I think there were six of us who dared the climbing. Others stayed back. I recall Stiffler (ok, Tom, but he looks just like Stiffler from American Pie movies) being the one who was wonderful in talking me through the adventure. It was weird to trust someone like that. But I did it, and I had a new found respect for him after that. Good times.


Where will you be when 2005 ends? Whom will you be with when 2005 ends?

I know I am not going to be going down town. I have been to First Night and have checked out the bars on Chippewa in the past, but it hasn't been my thing lately, especially in the cold and the over inflated cover charges. I was invited to a party, also a "kiss me at midnight" invite, could just do something on my own (movie marathon, drawing or painting, or reading something fun.. yeh yeh, I enjoy my nerdy solitude) or just wing it.

Update: (e:ladycroft) and I had lunch at Spot earlier in the day. In discussing our options, which we both had a few interesting offers, we decided on staying close to home, well, my home anyways. We thought it to be fun to go to a late movie, imbibe a little before during and possibly after, get food.. go to Dennys! ..becuase that is just fitting, and whatever adventure materializes from that scenario.

She came over, we quickly consumed two bottles of champagne and proceeded to check out the local movie theater listing. While waiting to head out to the movies, we continued online, ended up at (e:strip) and ended up making a bunch of random comments. I apologize for the really stupid ones, lol. As she typed, I put in my two cents. It was funny, atleast at the time. Now I just shake my head.

Lots of pics taken as well. I am sure to post them in the near future.



Was 2005 a good year for you?

I think so. A lot of good things have happened throughout the year. The low points were moments to learn from, so if I do that, it guess I can say it went pretty well.

Jan/Feb: Shaking off 2004. Dodging stalkers. Awaiting grad school admission. Finally made myself jump into the world of grad school. Found a program I totally fell for and knew beyond all else that I would be in my element (still holds true). Also mild crush on my admissions counselor. Begin school, scaled back on work load (quit secondary jobs), get used to using my brain intensely again.
Mar-April : Intense behavioral interventions and behavioral modification plan initiated with extreme bahavior consumer; get my ass kicked daily and build a stong friendship with those who worked with me on this. Trust.
May-September: Crazy summer. Met quite a few people. Heard from my father, out of the blue. Created a beutiful garden; very lush and natural- not manicured. Reconnected with Timika and we caught up quickly. Bonfires, bike riding, travels, sitting on the rocking bot dock, lots of Corona and extra lime. Met more great people, joined (e:strip), although skeptical at first. Visited colleges with my niece, who graduates this year. Celebrated 30th B-day.
Oct-Dec: Met more wonderful amazing people. Learned a lot about my emotional capabilities, all good; I think I am a romantic or something at heart, when in the company of the right people. Depth of character suprsising at times. Managed to not slip (entirely) into the darkness that comes with this time of year. Began cross country skiing. Bought my beloved iPod.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

I have a few. The most recent are the fondest.
I am a kisser; it provides a lot of information about someone. It is often functually good, but not to the degree and intensity that makes me feel like "this is just where I want to be" feeling. I experienced an amazing kiss that totally altered my world. Yeh, in that moment, I was hooked, or something. Just touching his hand.. wow.Made me a giddy school girl and I loved it. And also all that came of being around this person.. I am still awestruck. I wish that feeling for everyone. We'd all be a glop of goo.
Other highlights.. doing some damn good stuff in grad school,networking, classmate friendships, opening up in general, experiencing incredible breakthroughs with the autistic child I work with, really good conversations, unofficially breaking up with LiveJournal.com, a journal site I have been writing in since 2000, after getting to know and love (e:strip). I am more open in my writing as well.. sometimes TMI (too much information), but hey, its all good. OOooooOOoh, and watching some Mens Rugby and the after game fun. Damn good game.


What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The moments of the Unknown, that I occasionally perseverate on. Ya know, when you don't know what is going on, what you should do, what you shouldn't do.
Also, not knowing what my next career step should be. Just feeling lost in general. And trying to figure it out on my own. I am confident yet there are those moments..


Did you keep your New Year resolutions of 2005?
I didn't have official resolutions, but I made sure to make some changes. I had a few bad/weird/cathartic experiences in the last quarter of 2004. I knew I had to do things differently and I have followed through on those things. I hold myself accountable and I learn what I can from experiences. There is other stuff I could have worked harder at. So maybe I will consider those aspects for the new year.



Did you fall in love in 2005?
Fall? Something happened. I just don't know exactly what.
Tripped, maybe fell on my own? Oy.


Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?


Did you make any new friends in 2005?
Yep!

What was your favorite month of 2005?
hmm, I think it would be September/October. It was a pretty good year.. so many new things going on and so much that I have overcome.

Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
I just ventured to Canada

How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
um, I didn't travel much, with work and school.. but I did go to Cleveland. If I went anywhere else, I do not recall.


Did you miss anybody in the past year?

Not a strong sense of "miss", but zi think about my sis and my dad.. I haven't seen or talked to my sister in over two years, I haven't had any contact with my father in 16 years. He contacted me out of the blue one night through email over the summer. He wants to see me and I would like to work on that relationship, but it hasn't really gone anywhere. I can't talk to my other family member about it as they are closed up and don't want me having contact with him. And I don't know anyone who may understand what this is about that I could talk to, so I just let it all slide by.
A few people I have made friends with that I havent seen or heard from in a long time I would like to reconnect with. Also try to get in touch with a few old friends, make some attempt to keep in touch. There is no excuse not to.


What was your favorite song from 2005?
I really loved listening to The Killers (Mr. Brightside) and Moby (I like it), Brand New (Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades)

What was your favorite album from 2005?

Moby: Hotel both the lyric cd and its ambient cd. Very cool stuff. I listened to it repeatedly all summer long. Actually, up until I got my iPod, now I listen only occasionally. I also got into OAR, whom I have a bunch downloaded to the pod. Freakin' good stuff. A story in every song.


Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
Yes. More than I ever have in my entire life. But I am a light weight in the drinking department.

Did you do drugs in 2005?
In the Sin Tent at my birthday party., not really my thing though.

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
2005.. I don't think so. I made some choices towards the end of 2004 that I have been sticking to because some of my choices weren't so great then.

What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I am not aware of any lies told or told to me, they may have been told, but nothing sticks out.

Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Yes.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
I usually shake it, so I am not thinking anything specific. There's some hurt, but I don't think intentional.

What was your proudest moment of 2005?

Following through on grad school applications and actually doing it.
Allowing myself to open up, be vulnerable, feel and all that mushy stuff that I would normally not have a clue about. Now I do.
A lot of permanent changes, all of which have made be a better person, even if I feel weaker. Its odd, but it is good.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
I don't embarass easy even though I consider myself shy. A few uncomfortable moments.. like crying a couple of times, I will have to think about this one.

If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
Not be a jerk that I can be. I close into myself and those that try to get in, I shun. Maybe verbalize things that I was otherside only thinking. Stay in better contact with my family. Help my mom out more. Damn, i can be such a jerk..

What are your plans for 2006?
No plans as of yet, but off the top of my head..
Finish grad school
Figure out what I am doing with myself.
Amp up my physical activity.
Do my laundry, take the coins that have built up in the washer out.
Expunge all that I do not need, want, use from my life. The garage and basement is in need of a major purging.
I really want a dog! but thats not happening until I figure out how to take care of myself, lol.
Reflect, learn, move on..

Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
discount item. Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart
brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine," said
Kathy Micken, professor of marketing.

She said: "But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name forthe Wal-Mart brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity are:

10.Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white
meat
(Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

And speaking of Walmart, and how much I love it.. Dana ((e:pyrcedgrrl)) gave me a most lovely gift. She made sure to tell me that I must open that gift last, as it is extra special and would easily overshadow the other gifts she gave me (like fuzzy socks, new madonna CD, a much desired Wild Honey fragrence, and other fine items).

And she was right, the last gift and the most special, which I will always hold dear to my heart..



An official 2005 Walmart collectors tin, filled with hard candy.

Be envious.


Thank you so much, you shouldn't have..

really.

hahaha

--to receive an absurd gag gift from me is a sign of deep affection.

To receive one from Dana, well, she is just an 'asshole', my favorite term of endearment for her-- lol

• kisses*

Yet another person from my past has made contact with me. This is thee BIG one, though. I'm still processing all this and what it means. It's like I have just been shaken. Should I be sad, happy, regretful, hopeful? What comes to mind is that I think all my baggage has been officially sorted and purged. All gone; clean slate. And I believe that I am now in Carey-Revised. I can't say for certain anymore that I am a certain way, now that all this seemingly new stuff has come to surface. I say seemingly new because I think I knew all along that it was there, but it has only been as of recently (past 2-3months) that it has appeared. I suffer the consequences and learn from them and from now on, go with the newer me, even if I feel lame, unsure.. see, that's not me, but now part of me. I am having trouble spitting this out and having it make sense. Ahh!

So yeh, alll in a matter of a couple of months, all of these people, through phone calls, emails, instant messages, finding me through others, finding me at my doorstep, I mostly have shrugged it off, perhaps finding some humor and a bit of uncanniness to it, until today. Now I find it very strange, indeed. Karma? A kick in the ass? Perhaps, it can be viewed as a bit of direction? I won't ruminate for too long on this.. its just fresh in my head.
_________________________________________
After some sleep I rounded out the New Years Survey: [inlink]theecarey,75[/inlink]


And now on to New Years Eve pictures:

Just getting started


Awwe, (e:ladycroft) and (e:theecarey) working our way through some champagne


Tastes good..


Bottle One, complete


smile pretty! (still sober)


Oh no.. Timika and Carey getting warm and fuzzy over (e:jenks) post [inlink]jenks,26[/inlink]that included the lyrics to Depeche Mode, "I want"

The pictoral montage (reading aloud the lyrics)








Uh oh, the "comments" begin. Anyone on (e:strip), more specifically, anyone that had recently made a post, was fair game to our drunken antics. I think the one that cracked me up was when Timika asked, "who's (e:scud)" and I replied, "He's a boy", and that somehow ended up in a comment.


Logged under my name, LadyC was typing away.. proof :)


I am always good for knocking over a drink. It is axiomatic. Champagne all over my table and jeans, I am suprised I didn't break or short circuit anything!


Cheers!

• stumped* I don't remember being in the closet..

Heading out! Champagne worn off by this time, but still not the best role models here..


Looking for a restricted brain cell movie, Dick and Jane made the cut.


Timika, I am not sure if I ever looked that happy coming out of a public restroom. Who's number did ya get? ;)


Two medium Sprites, One small bag of popcorn and Two small bottles of 99% alcohol (orange flavor) to add to sprite. Yum.


Leaving..


12:00am.. Happy New Years! woo!


A night of drinking must be followed up by eating.. so Denny's it is (what else is open?)


Hmm.. an epicurean delight.. what form of grease do I want?

• looks around*.. feeling like I am gonna catch something

Food! yay! Vehicles For Ketchup©


"Non- Smokers".. enjoying the occasional clove.




Lastly, we are the mistresses of our domain, Bad Asses of the Universe.. er.. somethin' like that. HellooOOoOOoooOoo 2006.



So it turned out to be a pretty fun night. I make my own amusment and enjoy simple things...
Good friends, good times, right?

2006 How will you unfold?