All matter is that it is a part of my memory and it imprinted on my heart. So, memory is always melancholy.. whatever it is good memory or bad memory.. something left behind in the invisible world and you have lost... That's my word.

I've been going out since Wednesday night, the media gangs night. No wonder that I'm so stressed out and tired.

We always go to the old pink with some professors. It's like another requirement course for media and art students. So, we usually start week party on Wednesday night. Of course, I went to the pink this wednesday night. It's okay, I don't have any class on Thursday. And, last Thursday, Robin finally moved out. We helped her moving almost midnight. It ended about 2 AM in the morning and I stayed her new apartment till 4 AM. Okay. Then, Friday night, I had a dinner with Robin and Steve Kurtz. Then, later.. I met media gangs again. Then, ended up at Steve Kurtz's house. I came home around 4 AM. Then, slept little while, got up around 9 AM, and ran to school for the shooting. Sooooo tired.
Actually, I was planning on watching movies with Holly last night, Saturday night, I fell asleep. but I figured Holly fell asleep as well since she didn't call me and she sleeps so little these days. Then, went to grocery shopping.. On my way back to home from Wegman, I got a phone call from one of my professor and he was telling me that it's his birthday. So, he wants to go to the pink. Oh well, I'm a nice person. So, I went to the pink again. Although I'm so tired and have a lot of stuff to get done.. I can't refuse his birthday going out. But, I came back to home earlier.. but.. still so tired. 4 nights straight I went out. Crazy. I really wanted to stay home.

I didn't get enough sleep last night as niether did Holly. I was so grumpy while I was shooting video today. Just don't like people watching me shooting, or still don't agree the idea of having an editor. Think about this example, what's the job for graphic designers? do they need someone to find out some image for their design..? So, it doesn't make sense to me at all about having an editor. Also, this work is avant-grade style. How come I can be a video art person then? I don't know. I just need few people who can help me out. I asked someone to take care of the lightings, and I just needed few models. Well, this is just for a job. It doesn't really matter. Still grumpy. Oh well.

I had to take a nap after finishing shooting. So tired.. and I'm so up and down to think of my work. Not somebody's work. I have a big presentation for my work in 3 weeks, (especially I have to show the direction of my thesis projet). But, I haven't done anything yet. Deleuze makes me think too much. Even I can't approach the direction for my thesis. I know what I want, but something makes me frustrated. I don't know. I'm just stressed out and tired.

I've just got the first email for today as I'm writing now. I have the MSN messenger so that I can notice whenever emails come up if I sit in front of my computer.

I never liked or enjoyed drinking when I was in Korea, well I'm not a heavy drinker here either. I got a headache from drinking last night. I know you would laugh a lot if I got little drunk with 2 glasses of drink. That's my maxium actually. More then 2 drinks, I can be blur badly.

I still don't understand why people like drinking. After drinking, you can mess up your day, and get headache and stomacheache. You can be sick. Also, I still think the taste of beer is so bad. Very bitter. I've never enjoyed beer.

I had to leave the old pink as soon as I finished my second drink. I already felt my body was getting remote. It's funny, I never wanted to show people that I got drunk. Now, I'm getting not to care of it or I'm getting mess. I was very undercontrolled. Not anymore.
It's weird though, after drinking I feel like I drive so cool. Last night, I felt it again.

In Tony's class yesterday, we were talking about influences. That was my questionable subject for a while, still it is.. (I'm little sick because of the headache right now) Since I've studied media art, I realized a lot of people talk about it. I didn't have any one and wondered why I have to have one whatever. I have favorite artists though. What is the differency between influence artists and favorite artists?

Eva Hesse, Maya Deren, Kiki Smith and Peter Sarkisian.

I felt how Eva Hesse was going through from reading her biography. Every her sculpture work is attached with her feelings and emotions. She was struggling how she can be succeed independant female artist in male dominated art field in 1960 period. She never considered by herself as a feminist. She died at an early age.

I want to write more about my favorite artists, but I'm sick right now.

Feminist, I don't know if I like the statement or not. Actually, I don't accept the statement of feminism. Ah, I want to write about that more.. but I'm sick and it is a heavy topic to talk about it right now. I will write it later.

Deleuze says..

"The still life is time, for everything that changes is in time, but time does not itself change, it could itself change only in another time, indefinitely"

Do you get it..?

I've just told my friend Craig how fucked up I am these days. I told him everything how I am these days. He just barely tried awaking up and listening to me. But, I needed his support. I needed his yelling. I needed his word like "You never listen to me.. Listen.... Answer me." Yes, he did like that again and I started crying. Why my mind is always comflicated. Why I'm confused. Why I'm impatient. It's always good to have male friend like that. Craig always asks me after yelling at me, "are you alright?, I will give you a call tomorrow.. okay?.. say.. you are okay." I miss Craig although we are cats and dogs sometimes. He always gives me the solution what to do. Now I know what to do. I will buy the tickets as soon as possible.

I'm listening to Beatles' the long and winding road. Yeah, our lives may be like the long and winding road. Long and winding... If the road is just straight.. how we can understand the illusive human beings. So.. it has to be winding... so.. we are not able to see ahead. I realized it long long time ago.. but I'm still not wise.

I'm listening to Beatles' the long and winding road over and over. I loved Beatles when I was young. I do still love Beatles.

Maybe I was just 9 years old or 10 years old.. it was probably around 1980.. I remember one recorded concert on TV show in Korea; one girl in audience seats was holding a flower and crying while listening to one band's music. I found out that music was "yesterday" maybe few years later.

I didn't know anything about Beatles at the time. I just simply thought that the girl crying was so beautiful and the music was so beautiful. One day few years later, my dad was listening to music in his office and I realized that the music was the same as I heard from the TV show. But, I couldn't ask my dad who they are because I was so scared of my dad at the time.

One day, my cursin who was a college student visited us and I wanted her to find the record in my dad's music collections. At the time, I couldn't read English.. I was in elementary school. So I tried immitating the song to give her some idea what it is.
She found it for me. That was Beatles. And, now I know.. the girl holding a flower grived for John Lenon's death.

It's okay I can find out the road. I feel better now.

The Long And Winding Road

The long and winding road that leads to your door,
Will never disappear,
I've seen that road before It always leads me here,
Leads me to your door.

The wild and windy night the rain washed away,
Has left a pool of tears crying for the day.
Why leave me standing here, let me know the way
Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried
Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried, but
Still they lead me back to the long and winding road
You left me standing here a long, long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to you door