well, here I am

well, I'm so tired of stressing out. Oh lord, let's hang out. I'm leaving Buffalo on july 26th and not coming back until 2006. Time is running short and form are running long.

It's nice weather we are having. It actually rained a little. My chin is itchy. I think I'm growing a beard. A new moon starts today so maybe things will change up soon. It's almost bedtime for me.

I'm so jealous of everyone off on their summer ventures while I sit around and struggle with paper work. It's time to grade my students and then focus on my thesis abstract. I hate it when you have to pull everything together and attempt to make sense. I'm in the CFA which is completely abandoned right now. I've been trying to figure out these travel plans for Germany. Ah Buffalo, be good to me.

I'm here at the CFA. The place is being rented out to all these people with save our Niagara airbase signs and the stairs are being guarded by coppers. They keep checking my ID everytime I want to come up the stairs. It's really annoying.
I did something amazing last night. I cleaned my apartment, every room except for the worst one of all, my bedroom. I'll get to that eventually. I mopped the floors and everything.
I'm getting so tired because I was up all night. I feel self-conscious these days because last Saturday a filling in my front tooth fell out because of the cavity growing behind it. Now I have a big black spot gracing my smile. I made a dentist appointment but it's not for a couple of weeks so in the meantime I'll just try to give the old toothless smile.
I was at the library. I found a few books. I'm still thinking of my thesis. The problem that I have is connecting a subject to my production. Usually when I make things I make them from life, from passing interest. I have some serious and important subjects that I'm interested in but I'm not sure how I could address something like that without making a boring documentary.
I kind of have an idea though, it would involve two different research sources, well, several sources but two main subjects. The first involving folktales/fairy-tales as a means to a process for production. The second subjects is more to do with content and it's less solid. I guess it involves sterotypes of white southerners as racist. The mass media's perspective and what it projects onto youth. I'm thinking of this also because of my own childhood perceptions of Germans and what I learned in school. Which was of course about the holocoust, actually I'm still learning about that all the time thanks to PBS. I wonder what this culture of guilt produces? I wonder what it changes or what it damages or what it helps and so on...
Then also I'm interested in commeration. That is the title of the workshop I'm sitting in on in Germany. Art and Commeration. I think that I have kind of a focal point here by comparing wwII to the american civil war. I know very different things or whatever but they both had these issues of discrimination. In Germany they just built a huge monuiment in berlin for the memory of holocost victims. I'm sure in the south nothing has ever really been done for the memory of the victioms of slavery and discrimination. Of course this day in age no one remembers those days, well, discrimination maybe but not slavery. Now slavery is stories, tales of what it was like, passed through generations, records, or imigination. I still believe in slavery though. Being trapped in an exsistance that is out of your hands and dependant on other humans and of course humans are the most vile, fickle, and wretched things ever.
What about the flag? A few years ago in Georgia they changed the state flag to rid it of the confedarate emblem. I wonder did germany ever have a state flag with a swastika? I'm sure they didn't. It would not have been allowed would it? I know that these days the little brithsh prince has been sporting a swastika as part of some sort of movement to reclaim the symbol with of course exsisted long before the nazi party.

so as you can see my thoughts of this second subject, the content subject is far from being clear or defined. Obviously I have no idea what the hell to do. Now it's almost time to go critique my students social commentary videos. Better get my ID ready so I can run smoke.