Soyeon wants to know what happened. I used to be so cute. I don't understand it either.

Dream 2
After running from alligators in my grandmas pond I ended up laying with a gay guy. His feet were facing the way my head was. I was his slave or something. I rubbed him with my body. It worked. He came on to be on top of me. We kissed and I was rotating my thighs. I could feel his hard dick. I wanted it to be in my pussy but we stopped. He was necked and still kind of hard. I grabbed his dick and put it in my mouth. I tried to remember what Andy told me and use my tongue but it was a fruitless effort. The guys penis faced the floor standing even when it was hard. I told him that I was sorry and I had never been to good at sucking dick. I'm always afraid my teeth with hurt them. The guy said that it was ok, it was a different kind of love and you just had to look for certain points or signs.

Well, this long distance thing with Andy is over, I think. He sent me a weird e-mail a while ago and hasn't spoken to me again. He said our egos were to big to be in the same boat or some shit like that. I understand I'm full of myself half the time. It's annoying I guess, but it's nothing new. It's just one of the stupid things that helps me to function in this bull shit life.
I've been dealing with it well, right now is the first time I've cried. It's bad when I cry, I can't stop because I always go back to the saddest time in my life. Now I keep thinking about when I found out for sure that Matthew was dead. I went to Andy's apartment and he hugged me while I cried. Andy was my neighbor then. I was depressed. I would go sleep with him sometimes just because I was so sad and lonely. At that time I was making bad decisions and having sex with some heartless assholes but Andy would always listen to my stories and he never tried anything with me. We used to hang out everyday. We didn't start this sexual relationship thing until a couple of months before I moved up here.
This morning I had a dream that I was at my parents house on the phone with Andy. I was going outside to the rabbit cage on the front porch. I told Andy "My parents got me a rabbit" he asked "is it white" I told him "no, its brown with a black face" I remember I felt happy about that because the red eyes of white rabbits freak me out. Well, after that I got the rabbit out of the cage and I hugged it so hard that it squeaked at me. Its long soft ears were brushing against my cheek. There was something else around me and the rabbit. I can't remember if it was a dog or a chicken. It was some type of overexcited animal.
Rabbit Definition:     Seeing a rabbit in your dream, foretells of luck, magic and of a favorable turn of events and a positive outlook in your future endeavors. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize your sexual activity. Seeing a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness of a lover.     
So yeah, this dream bothered me because I was talking to Andy just like he was still my best friend.
I started my period today. I bet my estrogen levels are causing my emotions to flare up. I'm stressed out with my work and I'm stressed out because I need to find work, soon! Work that I actually get paid for. I'm depressed because I can't even afford Midol right now, I was pissed because I had to spend money on tampons, 2.99 for 10 of those suckers. It's cheaper to get them from the quarter machine at school, unfortunately that thing's not always so reliable.
I've stopped crying. This writing stuff is good I reckon. It makes you attempt thought organization. That's to rational a process to sync well with crying.
I got super drunk on Thursday night. I had a great time. The film candidate guy seems nice. I love to see others in a state of severe intoxication. To bad I had the PMS and hangover mix all day Friday. Alcohol affects women more when they are menstruating.

Can you believe my type keys work now? I don't understand this machine, I think it's fucking with me.

I had some company over, around three graduate students. We were in my apartment eating lunch or something. I noticed that my chin skin was peeling. I washed my face in the bathroom. I noticed a black tip on the end or a zit below my lip. I squeezed the zit and a black tick came out. Disgusted I threw the tick in the toilet and flushed. Then I looked in the mirror and this mosquito spider thing was coming out of the zit. Then these mosquito spider things were all over the bathroom. I freaked out and went and got one of the students. He had a fly swatter and started killing them. I went for the bug spray. Later on I was watching T. V. and the news was talking about a SARS epidemic involving mosquito spider things, it gave me a number to call, 882 7651 or something like that. I went to school and ran into Meg. I told her about the mosquito spider things and she agreed that I had better call. Meg was looking for some woman who had left an expensive and well known painting in the back-seat of her car. People were afraid that students would steal it. It was of flowers and a person with one eye like on a playing card or something.