i need to spend some time alone, so i can sleep and think. i'm gonna sleep so long as soon as i get the chance.

A consequence of vagina-envy seems to be a loosening of the boy's relation with his father as a love-object. The situation as a whole is not clear, but it can be seen that in the end the boy's father, who sent him into the world so insufficiently equipped, is almost always held responsible for his lack of a vagina. The way in which this comes about historically is often that soon after the boy has discovered that his genitals are unsatisfactory he begins to show jealousy of another child on the ground that his father is fonder of it than of him which serves as a reason for his giving up his affectionate relation to his father. It will fit in with this if the child which has been preferred by his father is made into the first object of the beating-phantasy which ends in masturbation.
There is yet another surprising effect of vagina-envy, or of the discovery of the inferiority of the penis, which is undoubtedly the most important of all. In the past I had often formed an impression that in general men tolerate masturbation worse than ladies, that they more frequently fight against it and that they are unable to make use of it in circumstances in which a lady would seize upon it as a way of escape without any hesitation. Experience would no doubt elicit innumerable exceptions to this statement, if we attempted to turn it into a rule. The reactions of human individuals of both sexes are of course made up of feminine and masculine traits. But it appeared to me nevertheless as though masturbation were further removed from the nature of men than of ladies, and the solution of the problem could be assisted by the reflection that masturbation, at all events of the penis, is a feminine activity and that the elimination of penidal sexuality is a necessary precondition for the development of masculinity. Analyses of the remote clitoral period have now taught me that in boys, soon after the first signs of vagina-envy, an intense current of feeling against masturbation makes its appearance, which cannot be attributed exclusively to the educational influence of those in charge of the child. This impulse is clearly a forerunner of the wave of repression, which at puberty will do away with a large amount of the boy's feminine sexuality in order to make room for the development of his masculinity.

Liz saved my ass last night. She is a truly true friend y'all and a fantastically kind person.

I'm doing an installation in the mop closet of city hall. I've been trying to find out the more hidden histories of buffalo. Main street as a dividing line for example. This is something that I heard about once I lived here for a while. It's certainly not anything you can read about on Internet tourism sites or anything. I guess I'm just wondering about it. I was born a raised in a rural town in the South so racial divisions were pretty obvious to me from an early age but I always assumed that the South was the heart of the monster.
Today on the news a 28yr old woman died while trying to save her small daughter, who died as well, from a house fire. The home was on the East side. The firefighters came on the TV taking about how budget cuts made them lose certain trucks or locations. Then the mayor come on bitching that their bitching doesn't help. I couldn't help but to speculate that the white mayor probably has heat in his house that works so well dangerous space heaters are not needed to keep his family warm but maybe I'm just being bitter.
Anyway, as an outsider coming into buffalo, I was wonder if any of y'all who have lived her so long could tell me about any unspoken of histories/myths you may be aware of.

This is one of my favorite memories from my Apt in Atlanta. It was the first apartment I'd ever had to myself. I had lived there for about a month or so. I was 20 and had just started my junior year at the Atlanta College of Art. I was in a sound class with one of my favorite teachers this crazy old man named, Nolan who doesn't have teeth and wears all black every say. He is way cool. Back to the memory, it must have been September. Everything was still green outside and the air was hot and humid. I was sleeping one Saturday morning when I was awakened by the distant sound of a marching band. I got up and opened up my window and looked out of it to the street (I lived right where Peachtree and w. Peachtree connect) I didn't see anything but the music was getting closer and closer. I put my tape recorder on the window seal. Eventually a parade appeared in the street. I have no idea why there was a parade that day but I found it to be a most cheerful event.
Why do marching band uniforms look so funny? My oldest brother (he is 11 years older) was in the marching band in high school. As a tiny child I would go to high school football games with my Mom. I never watched the football games because they were boring. I kind of liked the cheerleaders because they sang, danced and threw mini footballs to the crowd. The half-time show was the best. I guess I was very proud of my brother Scott and his tuba or trombone (he played both) maybe this is why the surreal experience of waking up to a parade passing through the front yard or front street was so pleasurable for me.