i took my first exam today, getting an a-. i'm taking developmental psychology at ecc for their winter session, which lasts only 2 weeks. i read the whole textbook and take eight exams over the two weeks.

i thought i was going to have to take the bus to orchard park every day, spending at least 4 hours travelling a day, but it turns out that this is an online course, which really means that you can skip class every day. i personally enjoy going to class; that's where i learn the most, but i am glad to not have to waste all that time on the bus.

this is working out perfectly.

as i was walking out to sit on the steps outside to have a cigarette, i was thinking how i always avoid the numbers 2 and 4, especially 4 and that i probably should make peace with the number 4.

i sat down, unintentionally, or intentionally, as the universe always is, on the fourth step. it was particularly comfortable, had a better view of the tree than the others around it and i did enjoy sitting there.

but i just don't have that many positive associations about the number 4.

so i was thinking about the associations i have with the other numbers,
number 1 is the power and strength of one
number 2 is a pair (which i sometimes tend to avoid, but know also that it can be nice)
number 3 is body mind soul
number 5 is smiles and freedom
number 6 has a lot of power. i don't know that i fully understand the significance of 6, but i don't feel negative about it
number 7 is a lucky number
number 8 is infinity
number 9 is three times three, triple trinity--who can't win! and some people i like a lot really love nine and have it as their favorite number.

my favorite number has always been three

late last night, i was sitting around counting my blessings and was planning to go to bed soon.

my neighbor came over and was in the mood to talk. conversations got heavy.

"how long does it take to get over the loss of someone you were really close to, oda?"
"5 years." i saw how painful that answer was, '5 more years of this suffering...,' feeling defeated, not knowing how to continue. "but the first year is definitely the hardest. by far."

i lost my sister on october 15, 2000. her name was leyla marin or sheila keating. she used both throughout her life.

it is so hard to lose someone you are truly close with, a person you share with most every day of your life and have done so for decades.

but the pain goes away, maybe not completely 100%, but pretty close. and that void is filled up by strength. then we can count our blessings, because every person who honestly means that much to you IS you. inside you. even now, i still discover ways that my sister is part of who i am, and that does make her alive .

thank you sister...
i love you

ub just called to say i was accepted into the nursing program.

i'm about to head to my sister's for christmas. christmas eve on the full moon, the longest night of the year. christmas on the solstice. my mom's here so i need to go.

peace and blessings to all.

here are the gifts i got so far for $0.

"I leave peaceprints" magnet for my mom's car. It was gifted by the volunteer work that a beautiful woman has been doing delivering food to people and homeless shelters.

cow candle for mom. my sister and i always get mom a cow item for christmas. tradition. this was gifted by a yard sale in chautauqua county. the sale had closed and had a "free!" sign up. we got some more items from the sale and my mom left about $2, so perhaps this one cost about 25 cents, which still rounds to $0.

leather wood-carrying strap/bag for my sister. this used to belong to my grandparents. i got it in north carolina when my dad decided to get rid of some of their stuff. it's very beautiful. she will love it, and she actually had one on her list, which i didn't know when i saved it from being thrown out. i had a feeling it would be appreciated somewhere. i was actually thinking of having it made in to a bag i could use to carry my books, but i'm happy to leave it intact now that i know what it is.

old wooden boomerang for my friend lenny from north carolina, who juggles and rides a unicycle. i'm sure he'll have fun with it, especially since the climate in north carolina makes it perfect to use all year. this also belonged to my grandparents.

something pretty for my roommate (she might read this, so i should be vague). i got it for free at a chinese dinner i had at a restaurant a few weeks ago.

i wrapped up all my gifts yesterday after getting back from hanging out with my uncles and cousin. my cousin's son invited me to his fifth birthday party, but i couldn't go for nfta reasons. when i was leaving, i appologized for not being able to go, and he said, "that's all right. you can come to my sixth birthday party."

love!