do you ever have one of those days when you just don't feel like smiling? i feel like i've had those all week. and maybe if you have a job where you don't work with people or you can be on your own, it's not as big of a deal. but my tired and bad mood and sad looking exterior rubs off on my students and i hate it. i'm sick of blaming my issues with students on myself, because i blame everything on myself, but i can completely understand if they feel like crap because i look and feel like crap and apparently i'm not very good at disguising it. i don't know how to do it! one of my students said to me, i haven't made you laugh all week. how depressing. kids notice everything. i'm sick of feeling so blah but there is nothing that is making me excited right now. like NOTHING. even christmas. i hate that. i just want to be a super wonderful awesome teacher who everyone loves and listens to. no scratch that. i just want to be better. and more respected. i want to be the kind of teacher that i remember and admire - the ones who took their jobs seriously, who knew what they were talking about, who knew how to get kids to be interested while at the same time keeping control and maintaining a classroom of focus and concentration. it's not that i want to be everyone's favorite teacher. i mean there are tons of kids who like me. the problem lies in that they look at me as a young, cool teacher that they can talk to and relate to, and not someone that they need to listen to so much. it's like, i know most people don't look forward to getting older but i really am in a lot of ways. while i love being able to talk to my students like normal human beings, i don't like being so close to them in age to the point where i feel like i could be in their class. it's a problem with being a young teacher in a high school setting. at least when i'm older there will be a bigger gap between us, both literally and figuratively. of course i'm leaving after next year anyway. but man it's only december. i have a long way to go. i want to sleep.

i hate when people break up. it is just so sad. no matter how it happens, people are hurt, sometimes devastated, and they can't even control it. and it's like you do your best to reassure them that it isn't the end of the world and things will be okay, and even if they know you're telling them the truth, they are still so sad and there is nothing you can do to make it all better. and i hate that. no more breakups.

Well, don't have too much to write about...but felt the urge...let's see

I can't believe how busy Christmas time is. I had a concert three nights in a row with different singing groups. Plus my school concert was last Wednesday, and I have another concert THIS Wednesday. Besides shopping and having to still plan for 2 weeks of school before break. It's nuts. But really if you think about it, it is all good things that I'm filling my time with, and so I'm happy about that.

(e:Mike) and I went to see Rent today. It was my first time seeing it, his second. I am really really happy I went to see it! I have listened to the music so much and it is okay but you really need to see what's happening on stage to understand. It was very good. I know my mouth was hanging open during some of the songs because I was just in awe and very in the moment and I had to keep reminding myself to look normal. The people next to us kind of gasped and shifted in their seats whenver there was a swear word (and there are many!) And it was very funny to listen to the conversation of whoever was behind us during intermission. This man was saying things like "So these people do all these terrible things to themselves and we're supposed to feel bad for them? They choose this lifestyle and we're supposed to care?" It was very interesting. (E:Mike) and I were talking about it, how we forget that there are people who look at Rent in that way. For us and people we know, we don't judge or think of the characters in the show like that. I just finished a unit on Rent in my Music Appreciation class, and I think I will tell them about those comments, because I presented to them using the idea that Rent was very edgy and controversial and brought many issues to the stage that no one had before, and there are lots of reactions, and now I heard one for real!

I had a very good time at the party last night even though it was brief :( Hope everyone had a great time. Makes me want a pinata at my next birthday!!!

Uhhh, that's it. Good luck to everyone with their holiday plans, etc. Christmas and 2007 will be here before we know it!!!

I just went to see the movie Bobby. It was written and directed by Emilio Estevez and has every celebrity you could think of. The movie takes place on the day that Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in 1968. The majority of the movie is dedicated to meeting many people who either work at or was staying at the Ambassador Hotel that day, where both the campaign rally and assassination took place.

I thought it was so well done and such a good movie. It made me cry my eyes out. Each person you meet in the movie, you are drawn to or feel some sort of connection to; whether you like or dislike them, you form an opinion about them. And though I don't know as much as I would like to about the whole event and Bobby Kennedy, it was clear that he had a large following and important ideas for our country and that his death was extremely devastating for so many people. It was just so sad to see clips of the actual night of the assassination, with him making speeches about his hope for the Presidency and for the future, and to know that moments later he would be shot in a kitchen. It was very emotionally draining but in a great way. I highly, highly recommend it!

I realized yesterday that it has been one year that I have been single. I can't believe that it's already been that long. When I think back to that night, to the end of that awful semester, and about how devastated I was...and I think how I am today, and it makes me feel really good. Virtually every aspect of my life has improved since then, and in general I am very proud of myself, both in how I handled the situation and the person I have become. Sure I have made some mistakes, I probably said some things I shouldn't have, or NOT said things I should have (that is for sure!), but overall, I was mature and adult about the whole thing, and I can't believe how I didn't call him ONCE, not ONCE!!!! I never called or went to him crying or begging him to come back. And I really think he expected it, and I DIDN'T DO IT! I think it made such a difference in the whole process. I mean I really can truly say that I'm....over it....!! Wow! I mean granted, if I went in a room with him and his new (ugly...seriously she is) girlfriend, I'm sure I would be uncomfortable and a bit unhappy, but I think that is probably natural. But the fact that I can think about it anytime and never feel sad or jealous is something I'm very happy about! Because I realize there is totally nothing to be sad about and I know things are working out for me in very good ways. I hate to sit here and toot my own horn or whatever, but I just wanted to say that I can't believe it's been a year and look how far I have come. Well you don't have to really. But I am looking and I am very happy about it. And thank you to my friends and all the estrippers who have helped and made me laugh and smile and think with your comments and responses to my previous journals. Everyone has really been great. I am so proud of me!!!!