Sometimes I think I might be a little too afraid of ending up alone. I’ve already started to worry about not getting married or having children and I’m only 22. Recently I realized that it’s probably because of my mother’s circle of friends. My mom has 6 best friends that she stays in close contact with from college. Out of those friends, three have never been married or had any children and three have been married once and had two children. Basically that’s like a 50/50 shot at either having a family or being totally alone. My mom is the one who straddles both groups. She did marry and have one (perfect) child but then got divorced almost immediately, thus living most of her adult life without a husband. Although I can see from all of my mom’s friends that being married and having kids does not ensure happiness (at least one married woman is very discontent with her marriage and kids), I know the women who didn’t have kids now wish they had. Furthermore, they have told me that they wish they weren’t as picky with the men that they dated because now they realize that having someone can be nice even if they aren’t perfect. Now, I’m not saying all my standards are dropped because I am just terrified of not getting married (not yet anyway) but I feel like looking at them can be a cautionary tale. I know some women can be perfectly happy if they are childless and unmarried, but I know that I want to at least have children. I was born wanting to be a mom. To make matters worse, I know I could never be as happy as these single women because they are all extremely close with their siblings and their sibling’s children. I will never have any nieces or nephews if I don’t get married since I am an only child, so I can’t really rely n family to keep me company. Although I’m sure that my mom’s friends aren’t the best sample of how women end up, I think that growing up see so many single, childless women has made me scared. Thank goodness there are so many more ways to have a child without a man now. I wonder if my mom’s friends would have had children if they could have used sperm banks? Then again I think most of them kept thinking they were going to get married and the time just drifted away. Anyway, I need to shake off this fear for a least a couple more years since there is no way I am getting married any time soon.

Two days ago I found some really pretty multi-colored blue yarn so I started knitting a scarf. It's about 6 inches long so far and it looks good. I forgot how much I like to knit. It's really relaxing and I love making things from scratch. Here's what my scarf looks like so far.



The colors in the last picture didn't come out so well, so here's what the yarn looks like up close. Isn't it pretty!



So tomorrow I'm going to be starting the big move to Cambridge. My mom and I are going to drive up to Schenectady, where all of my belongings are in storage, then load a Uhaul and bring them to my new apartment in MA. After that we're coming back to Buffalo since I'm not actually going to live there until September. I'm really excited to see what the apartment looks like since my roommate picked it out and did all the work for us. I'm nervous too though, since I haven't ever even been to Cambridge and this is where I am going to be living from now on. I'm going to take pictures of my apartment and hopefully post them when I get home. It's going to be a long couple days of driving back and forth to Boston, ugh, at least I can knit in the car :) . Have a good middle of the week everyone!

Last night was a super fun night out with (e:mike)! We hit a lot of clubs and were extremely social on our night to "meet people." Without (e:beast) and (e:jill) I'm afraid (e:mike) is becoming an alcoholic, and am I becoming a party girl?...no, definitely not, but (e:mike) is an alcoholic! Although I don't have any pictures of from last night, I do have ones from when (e:mike), (e:mk), and I went to Frizzy's two weeks ago. I'm really not sure what we're doing in most of them, but it was a really fun night out. Enjoy!

Life in Buffalo for the summer is always something I look forward to when I'm away and am bitterly disappointed by when I'm experiencing it. Although it's really nice to be in my house and with my mom and friends, I'm really bored when I'm not in school. I going to get a job so that I'm not so bored for the next couple months...school doesn't start until mid-September so this is only the beginning. Good thing I have (e:Mike), (e:MK), and (e:Jessbob) (for the time being) to hang out with. I definitely need to make an effort to be more social this summer. I don't push myself enough in that respect and I think it's time for me to work on that. (e:Mike), it's time for you to work on that too. Let me know if I need to make any calls from your phone for you.

There is a bit of exciting news to tell. I got an apartment in Cambridge for the year. It's so perfect, it's right in Harvard Square just a couple blocks from my school so I don't have to commute. It seems expensive but the girl I'm going to live with did a lot of searching and found the best price for us. I can't wait to live Cambridge, it will be such a departure from Schenectady! I'm getting a little nervous about my grad school program, but every time I start to freak out I go to the website and read all the course offerings and everything and I feel really happy again (I know I'm such a dork).

I don't have too much to tell. I'm sure I won't have anything to post about before the 4th so I hope everyone enjoys the fireworks.

So moving in to my apartment was about as chaotic as I imagined it would be. My mom drove a truck through the streets of Boston and Cambridge (and various other MA locations because we got lost) and at one point ended up stuck perpendicular to the sidewalk while trying to do a three point turn. But in the end it was all ok because the apartment looked great to me. I have a very nice sized bedroom with my own teeny bathroom and my roommate has a smallish room but she gets the big bathroom. We also have AC, an elevator (we're on the 7th floor!), a fireplace, and a little patio. It's so sad that I think the apartment is such a steal since our total rent for this little place in Cambridge could prob buy a whole house in Buffalo. Oh well, it's not forever.

Leaving Boston I thought the whole trip had gone well and I was relieved. I tend to get panic attacks and therefore did not even visit Harvard for fear that once I got to Buffalo I would be too afraid to go back for school in Sept. Anyway, on the car ride home the shit hit the fan. My roommate, Lauren, is a girl I don't know too well. She's the girlfriend of one of my best guy friends at school and I was relieved to have someone to live with. However, now I'm not totally sure that she's sane. She is abnormally attached to her parents, who definitely have some screws loose. Anyway, here's what happened:

Although the people who are subletting the apt. to us offered to get a cleaning person to come in after they moved, Lauren's mother insisted that her's come and clean the apartment for 6 hours before we moved in. She badgered the people until they left a check to cover her cleaning women (I thought the whole thing was ridiculous...I can clean, and I don't need to get paid!). Anyway, when Lauren's mom Nancy arrived at the apartment with the cleaning lady she insisted it was far too dirty for us to live in (mind you, I had already moved my stuff in the day before). She said the pipes smelled and the bathroom walls were crumbling. So here I am sitting in the car driving home from Boston and I receive a call from my new roommate saying that we can't live in the apt I just moved into. I was completely dumbfounded...she and her mother were the ones who picked it out! My mother and I were just there the day before and it was fine...nothing wrong with it at all. So I told her she needed to wait until she got there and that her mother was exaggerating. Meanwhile my mom and flipping out and calling her mother names while I'm on the phone. Lauren proceeded to call me 4 more times before I got to Buffalo. Finally I thought it was all settled (after I explained to her that she had signed a lease and could not rightfully break it for no good reason) and she seemed okay with everything. Then the next morning I wake up to a very nasty email from the landlords calling Lauren's mom rude and inconsiderate. Apparently her mom had called them directly and told them they were dirty and had left the apartment unlivable! I immediately called Lauren and told her I didn't want her mom to speak to the landlords for us and I emailed them and told them I thought apt was fine and apologized for the things that were said to them. Unfortunately Lauren's dad is as crazy as her mom and when he heard about the email they sent he shot back at them with a nasty email of his own. He said things ranging from "your cleanliness is different from my wife's, and possibly all other humans" to "the reason you found my wife's comments insulting was because of your english aptitude, which is clearly very low" (they are Asian). Feel so embarrassed and annoyed to be caught in the middle of this. I feel terrible about what is happening but clearly nothing I do is stopping anything. I can only write so many emails apologizing for things I did not say. Hopefully when this is all done with they will be cordial to us. I don't know that I would be if I were treated like that. Oh well, I guess this is what i get for living with someone I don't really know. Yet, I think she's a nice girl...her parents are just crazy.