so, after a pretty rough day, i am gonna sit in the sun and swim. i think being this age is just hard no matter who you are. life is very exciting, and filled with new experiences, but very very uncertain. why are we so afraid of the unknown? have we been trained to fear uncertainites? i am going to untrain myself.

tonight, i will have fun. i will try not to cry. lisa, thanx for the kinda words. why do we never ever see eachother?

its been over a month now, the longest i have ever gone without seeing my mom. its quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i am ao used to her always being there, leaving me notes every morning, and helping me when i need it. i even miss doing chores. i misss that the notes always said, "love mom", at the end. i feel so homesick that i can't even describe it. it is the worst feeling though. i guess im ok most of the time, but the feeling just gets worse when im around other people's families. it just makes me want to be with my own. i thought by now it would be ok, but i think its getting worse. i cry myself to sleep a lot. i constantly think about what i would be doing if i was in arizona right now. i'm really confused and the most unhappy I've ever been right now.

the worst part of all of this is not knowing what will happen in the next few months. i don't know what is going on with cosmetology school, i havent figured out the financial stuff yet. i don't know if i will stay here, even though there really isn't anyplace else for me to go. school is in west seneca, and i have to have a car to get there, which means all of my money will go towards the car. after this month, i don't have health insurance, which is just really scary.

basically, i just have no clue. its scary. i want my mom. i want to go home, wherever that is.



and that is what i have thought about every signle day since june 29th.

i was holding Basra, paul, matt and, terry's tortoise friend. we were bonding, having tortoise, eskimo kisses, and it peed all over me. the tortoise wet my pants and arm and hand. i squeeled, oh well, shit, i mean, pee happens.

first, i went to bed before 7 last night. i did not go anywhere, i did not talk to anyone; i just sleep. let me tell you, it was the best time i have had in a long time. sleep is great.

after a day of complete and utter torture, sleep was the cure. i can go about my day now with a better view on things. top be short about it, i work with emotionally disturbed children yesterday as my cute little down syndromw student may be getting pulled out of school by her psycho overprotective and paranoid 70-yr old mother who is working the system so she doesn't have to(more on that at another time). lets see here: i was kicked, slapped on the face, had my hair pulled, spent four hours listening to crying, laughing, yelling, and even quite a bit of screaming. one child tried to make out with me and started grabbing my chest. at denny's, they were touvhing other people's food; people at other tables. they were following our server around and grabbing various things from the waiter's station. then they all got up and started to wonder around the restaurant, while the teacher and other aide were cashing out. hmmmmmmm, leaving me with six kids, who wont listen to me; that was no fun.

now, caitlin, please come back to school on monday. i never realized how good the kids in my class really are. always heloing out. following directions. looking for work to do. they are so damn cute. i love them. i really do.

those other children, they are so bad. ofcourse, i am all for helping those who need it, but those other children, they were no fun. by the end of the day, i felt so tortured and used, that i felt like crying. i was crying. i had no idea what i was going into, but oh boy did i know when i got out.

as for all of this politics talk, i will just remain kinda silent. i am certain that the world will continue on its course and that we are just a small portion of the fraction at hand. we wont be around for much longer. the earth wants to be alone with the plastic, and im ok with that. i just want to be happy, and help out a little.


going to help granny by grocery shopping for her and cleaning the apartment!

apparently some people on this site have sadi some nice things bout me. that makes me feel all good inside. diana, im still laughing about the squaredancing joke. racheal, of course im still here, and im not going anywhere.

the theme of today is hot. school, hot. tennis, hot. now, hot. at least we got the rum n coke. im burnin up...

square tonight, hope to see ya'll down there.

:O) :O) :O) :O) :O) :O)

p.s. must eat indian food this weekend!oh, and not to worry, the new pic is just tina feeling me up; we're cool like that.