so, i am writing here again today. just wanted to say that sometimes it is neccessary to do the uneccessary. if you feel like something isn't working, fix it. if it can't be fixed get rid of it. your life will feel so less cluttered.

hmmm, am i being too vague? well, if you don't like your job, lose it. it your friends suck, ditch em and find new ones. ditch the bad feelings and feel good about who you are, there is only one of you. don't stay stuck on the past(which i think i have done a little too much), the future is whatever you make of it. just start by having a great day today!


i am off to enjoy the second half of my already great day. to matthew, paul, terry, rachel, tina(wherever you are), hodown, thesimeon, flacidness, mike, jill, diana... and the rest of you crazy elmwood people, "thank you for being a friend"-part of the jingle from the golden girls!:)



life is so much better being just a little crazy.

i decided not to go to work today. partly because i just don't want to work, and partly because i hate them and i got the shaft big time. the girl that i was working with now has another aide, so i fill in for classrooms who need extra help. this sucks. linda's class was great. she is always happy and so kind. the teachers that i have been working with the past three days blow. the kids in the one class are way beyond help, but the other kids are 7-10 and so damn cute. all they want to do is run arouns and play. i feel bad for them because they spend so much time doing boring work with a boring teacher. yesterday, i was put in her room, and she didn't even want me there. ok, was i supposed to just go home and not work? b***h. i have taken matters into my own hands and decided that i will not go in today, for the fear of going on a field trip with a horrible class once again. i choose to not be pinched, slapped, and kicked today. i will stay home and read.

im really exciting for this afternoon. matthew and i are going to some party in canada. i will finally meet the people that he nannies for. i feel like i kinda already know them, that weird. anyway, no work, and beach today, holla.



my justification for not working today, is that i worked extra long yesterday. right after the 8-2 school job i headed to grannies for four hours to be her helper. i was glad to help. you know you love someone when you will clean the poop off their toilet bowl. i think i said too much. good day all.:)

beast, i always want to talk to someone right before i go to bed too. someone that will have pleasant conversation and give me kisses or hugs before i go to sleepies. ie, mommy, sister, boy.

i must go get ready for work. i really feel like i might throw up, great.

so, after a pretty rough day, i am gonna sit in the sun and swim. i think being this age is just hard no matter who you are. life is very exciting, and filled with new experiences, but very very uncertain. why are we so afraid of the unknown? have we been trained to fear uncertainites? i am going to untrain myself.

tonight, i will have fun. i will try not to cry. lisa, thanx for the kinda words. why do we never ever see eachother?

its been over a month now, the longest i have ever gone without seeing my mom. its quite possibly the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i am ao used to her always being there, leaving me notes every morning, and helping me when i need it. i even miss doing chores. i misss that the notes always said, "love mom", at the end. i feel so homesick that i can't even describe it. it is the worst feeling though. i guess im ok most of the time, but the feeling just gets worse when im around other people's families. it just makes me want to be with my own. i thought by now it would be ok, but i think its getting worse. i cry myself to sleep a lot. i constantly think about what i would be doing if i was in arizona right now. i'm really confused and the most unhappy I've ever been right now.

the worst part of all of this is not knowing what will happen in the next few months. i don't know what is going on with cosmetology school, i havent figured out the financial stuff yet. i don't know if i will stay here, even though there really isn't anyplace else for me to go. school is in west seneca, and i have to have a car to get there, which means all of my money will go towards the car. after this month, i don't have health insurance, which is just really scary.

basically, i just have no clue. its scary. i want my mom. i want to go home, wherever that is.



and that is what i have thought about every signle day since june 29th.