Bleh.
I am totally full of self-doubt lately. Work is shitty, and I'm kind of scared about that. I'll save that lovely story for another time. Or never.

But my usual source of doubt is boys. Surprise surprise. I don't know what it is. On the one hand, I think I'm a catch and that any guy would be lucky to have me. But on the other hand, and this is probably based on crappy previous experiences, I usually can't get a guy's attention to save my life. It makes me feel totally invisible and unattractive (or fat). So this makes me totally insecure and I don't dare approach a guy. I just assume "he's way too cute to be interested in little old me." And that's a shitty feeling. I hate it. Or, as happened recently, I do manage to go on a date, have a great time, get the feeling he did too- and then he never calls. WTF.

But so there's a guy at work... He was just about the first person I met in Buffalo- he showed me around the hospital when I came to interview. He's always been cool to me. Sometimes sort of flirtatious, but in more of a friendly/coworker way. And, he was in a serious relationship (but not anymore). He calls me once in a while to go out, but usually I'm working or whatever. I've spent the night on his couch twice (and he spent the night in his bedroom). Then one time last summer after a particularly horrendous fight with the ex at thurs in the square, public crying, etc- he was there for me and told me I'm amazing and deserve better than [the ex], etc etc. So I think he's generally a good guy. (and my ex HATED him for that).

Then a few weeks ago he called me to go out, and amazingly enough I answered my phone and we chatted. He was going on about how badly he needs a girlfriend, blah blah. And later said "so... are we dating?" And since it was a ridiculous question I gave a ridiculous answer, and said "of course!".

ok you know what? this story is too long and stupid. sorry.

The bottom line is that he is flirting with me. He asked if I wanted him to come visit me at work one day. I said "for what?" and he said "whatever your luscious curves desire." Since people don't ever talk to me that way, my immediate response was "are you drunk?" and he said "no. you are a very sexy woman." And I just refused to believe him.

Yesterday was the Match for plastics. So thurs night he was nervous and wanted people to drink with him, so I did. And he said he was serious about dating. He was also drunk. And he somehow unhooked my bra in the middle of the bar. But he was also checking out every single girl that walked through the door. And then some little bimbo blondes he knew showed up, and all I could think was "that is the opposite of me, so if that's what you want... you don't want me." And I told him that.

But so now i'm wondering if I need to think about him in a different light. I just never thought about him in boyfriend terms at all. Didn't really cross my mind. Hmmmm. I wonder what will come of this.

But what prompted me to write is just the fact that a guy calls me "luscious" and my gut instinct is that he's drunk and/or making fun of me. And that is fucked up. And it bothers me. I wish I knew how to boost my self-confidence.

But here's one cheery thing: I got a very cute little teensy tiny dwarf frog for my fishtank. he's very cute. I just hope the other fish don't eat him.

-J

p.s. new user song. "Rhode Island is Famous for You" as done by Blossom Dearie. How could I resist?!

oh, when will I learn...

After seeing my ex last week, I was feeling charitable. Thinking maybe he's not really an ass. I came to the conclusion that he's just not the boyfriend type. He means well, but he just doesn't know how to treat a girl. Too selfish. Maybe it's not his fault, maybe I was too demanding, blah blah.

So this afternoon we had the following (unsolicited) email conversation:

"hey apple geek... you have any free time to help me with my ipod?"

"sure, what's up?"

"so are you free all day?"

"well I have to go to the airport at 3:30, and hopefully I can pick up my bike. But other than that..."

"ok, well I have lax til 7, so I'll give you a call."

"ok".

So I went and did my errands. [bike was ready- yay! rain rain go away!!] But I did change my plans and skip a few things I'd wanted to do in order to be home by 7:30 or so. Because that's how I am. It makes me happy to help people out.

It's 10:45 now.

No word.

I'm going to bed.

I controlled the urge to text him (also I've finally forgotten his number). But I couldn't resist one little email. I just responded to the "i'll call you" one, with "sure you will."

That is maybe my number 1 pet peeve in the world- when people say they will call/write/etc, and then don't. (and he knows this.) Am I alone in this? Is that unreasonable of me to be annoyed?

I'm sure he went out for beers after practice or whatever. No big deal.

I mean, it's no skin off my back to NOT help him tonight. But at the same time, I did change my plans for him. And he left me hanging. again. Some things never change.

And the killer is... if I say anything to him, he will snap right back at me with "we didn't have PLANS. I didn't ASK you to change your plans for me, so you can't be mad at me."

repeat ad infinitum.

Yup, better off without him.

Good to realize this, b/c I was almost starting to miss him.

night peeps.

-a

damn you tequila!!

that is all.

Back to bed.

So, I apologize for all the negativity lately... But with that said, I will continue. (somehow I don't get all worked up about good stuff, just stuff that pisses me off, lately.)

I wish there were more people around that liked their job and took pride in doing it well. I am sick of being around incompetent bitchy people. For example... I just went to get lunch. I stood at the register for a good minute before the cashier put down her word jumble book and, with a big sigh, dragged her ass over to the register. She rung me up, and said "2.59". I fished through my change, and said "here, I have 2.57". I got a blank stare. I said "the penny cup?". She said "I don't got no pennies." I said "well I left 4 down here this morning when I got coffee." Blank stare. So I broke a fucking $20 for 2 pennies. I hate pennies. They should be taken out of circulation.

Next, I hate Work Enemy #1. (as opposed to Work Crush(es) 1/2/3.) Also known as Shrek, or Big Stinky. This poor guy... I mean he's fucking ugly to start, but I guess that's not his fault. He also stinks. Also maybe not his fault (but he could try to do something about it). And I think he has some underlying anxiety disorder or something- he's always sweating and nervous. In any case, the guy is getting fired, and he is just losing his shit. All he does now is pace around, muttering, swearing, sweating, stinking, kicking things, chewing tobacco, and talking to himself/noone. It's gotten to the point that if we walk into a room and he's there, we just turn right around and walk out, no matter how badly we need to use the phone/computer/chair/toilet in that room. You have to, or you get trapped talking to him. I have had to just stand up and walk out on him mid-sentence lately. I cannot be a part of his meltdown. I mean I feel bad for the guy, but more than that I feel nauseated.

And finally- I am sick of crappy nurses. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate and respect nurses. At least, the good ones. I couldn't do what they do. It's the fat lazy union nurses that have been here 20 years, make 6 figures and work 3 days a week, and don't want to do any real work that bug me. One time I guess some doc wrote an order in a chart that said "please check CBC stat, and page xxxx with results. Thank you." And I saw the nurse taking the order of the chart, and she actually laughed and said "yeah right. Like i'm going to page the resident. he can check it his own damn self." One of my co-residents almost got fired last year because he got into it with a nurse. She was refusing to carry out what he ordered, and he lost his temper and said "listen! I fly the plane, you serve the drinks!!" Ooh boy he was written up so fast his head was spinning. But so what made me think of this... I was just kicked out of the cafeteria since it's Nurses' Week. The door was wide open, there was no "room reserved" sign, and only a few people around. so I sat down and was eating. People started trickling in. They set up all this soda and cookies. (and people were practically standing guard to make sure I didn't eat a cookie meant for a nurse.) Finally I was getting so many dirty looks, I left. Now, Nurses' Week is all fine and good. Nurses work hard, they deserve recognition, that's fine. But nurses' week practically shuts down the hospital. They have to do everything 3 times, so the day/evening/night shifts all get a share. And god forbid you try to get something done during an activity. "Doctors' Day" on the other hand... we got a coupon for a free slice of pizza, redeemable on one day, from 12-1, only.

Bleh. Sorry for the venting. (but I feel better now.)
Anyway... I hope I haven't offended anyone. I'm really not an anti-nursite.

Later.
-J

Ok, so I know this is a waste of breath, but oh well.

Ok, so back in JANUARY I went to see Brokeback. Parking was a mess. Finally I see a perfect little spot on the street between two other cars. I don't notice any no parking signs. Come out- $35 ticket on my car and every other car on the street for parking on the wrong side/wrong hours. Now everywhere else I've ever lived, you have like a month to pay a ticket. So I was so annoyed by this one I stashed it away for a while. When I finally decided to deal with it, I saw it had been due like a week after it was issued. Whatever, I paid the fine and no more. In MARCH got a notice of a $20 late fee, while I was out of town. Paid it the minute I got back. Saturday I got a notice that my late fee was late, and they want another $20. Knowing it was a losing battle, I decided to call to try to fight it. After navigating like ten steps for "press 1 for this press 3 for that" I made it to "hold for a representative". With DREADFUL hold music (celine dion, barf). After 15 min on hold (with fake-out clicks like someone was picking up, but no), I was about to concede defeat, when some cranky chick picks up. Puts me on hold AGAIN. Finally comes back and says it was due 3/28, they got my payment 4/2. I said 'right, 5 days late, and I was out of town." she said they can't verify that, and my only choice is to come in for a hearing.
Fuck that.
So I have now paid $75 for movie parking. Lovely.
Fuckers.
I hate that I let this shit get me so riled up.

But on a more positive note- as soon as I got off the phone with Cranky Bitch, I called the bike shop (who answered promptly and pleasantly I might add), and my bike will be ready in two hours.
YAY!!!!

later peeps.
-J