My brother returns from Orlando today, which I am very happy about. I've come to realize that I don't like being at home alone all the time. Yesterday I didn't know what to do with myself. I decided against going to a movie alone. Looking back there were many things I could have done, but none of them occured to me at the time. Anyway it will be a very fun weekend because my pal Andy from college (and the infamous bachelor parties) will be in Buffalo. I may make my return to Chippewa! Or not. I don't know yet. No matter what I am sure it wll be mo fun. He's a cool guy like myself and a very good friend.

It is freaking storming outside again! How nuts! Yesterday I drove home in the middle of it. It was pretty intimidating but I had the new Weezer album to keep me company on the road. I watched as the beautiful jolts of lightning crashed down everywhere around me.

I'm really hungry. Normally I don't get hungry for some reason. I could go for some veggie curry, naan and samosa from India Gate.

Oh, and if any of you are interested in learning how judicial nominations and the following prededings actually work (not how we WISH they would work or how we want them to work when it is politically expedient), check out the following link. I've said it before, but if this nonsense keeps on going forward, we can expect more or less every nominee who isn't dead center politically to be torpedoed from now on!



Jason

Princess Madeleine of Sweden, of course!



Sorry if you can't read the Swedish. Anyway I'd better get to being the huge corporate mogul it would take to afford a girl like that!

Jason

It would be a crying shame if we didn't win, considering here we have the most diverse and interesting content out of any of the candidates thus far. Plus, I will never ever forgive Buffalo if we voted Bruce Jackson's blog as the best. Then again, it would only further prove that we are shitty decision makers. Vote E-Strip!

Jason

Since I've been in a funk lately, I thought I would talk about my favorite TV shows, Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis. I admit I am a dork, but I don't care, I would rather like what I like and be a dork than succumb to what other people think. This Friday there are going to be new episodes!!! But a friend from college will be here on Friday so chances are I won't get to watch!! Holy poop!! Luckily I know of a way to get the episodes in pretty good resolution on my PC.

I finished the Delta Force book, and I've gotta say, I am so happy they are on our side. We have some of the best trained, well conditioned killers on the planet. One of the things in the book especially grabbed my attention - Eric Haney said in the book that there is a governmental organization that monitors nuclear bombs, and that it would be virtually impossible to sneak a nuke into the USA. Contrast that statement with what we are hearing through various media outlets - that it is only a matter of time before multiple US cities go up in nuclear smoke! We have already thwarted a similar nuclear terror attack, according to the same media outlets. Now I don't read about any of this stuff from the liberal media that I check out regularly - national security isn't exactly up there on their priority list, and they do not put much energy into thinking about these kinds of activities. I'm not sure what to believe. I wouldn't put it past those terrorist assholes to plan out such an attack, but the information we are getting is so fragmented. Frankly, the national security people can't win with certain segments of the population. If they release unsettling information, they are accused of fearmongering - yet if they do not release information the same people will tear them a new ass for keeping secrets. I say, let's put lots of energy and resources into determining these threats, and CLOSE UP OUR FUCKING BORDERS ALREADY. Money talks, no money SHOUTS, and people smuggling is something in which Mexicans seem to be experts. Whining and bitching, and false racism labels mean jack and shit to me. Close the fucking borders! Let the people who want to live here come here legally! We don't need to be running around scared but we don't need to be stupid and keep policies that in fact make it easier for people with ill will to carry out their plans, just for the sake of politics.

In other news, I still haven't seen the new Batman movie yet. I heard it is so good, can anyone comment on that? My brother isn't here so I guess I'll have to go alone, unless someone wants to go with me. Again, I'm not too picky with movies, but I like pretty much every comic-based movie that's been released. I'm not one of those comic dorks who poke at the movies because they aren't "authentic" enough to describe their fictional heroes. I can't wait to see the new Batman! Aaaahhh!!!

Jason

This one is for me.

I had a nice, long talk with (e:Joshua) tonight. I aired out all my grief and talked to him about how life is going (in my eyes) and how I need to improve myself in a number of ways. I think you all may have noticed lately my posts have been erratic in tone, and I think that accurately reflects my erratic thinking as of late. Sometimes I am thoughtful, other times I am angry, other times I am hopelessly inconsolable. I told (e:Joshua) that the simple fact is I don't feel passionate about anything right now - I'm searching for something that I feel gives my life meaning, structure, and purpose.

Work sure as shit is not filling that void, even though it should. No doubt, I am lucky for a young guy in Buffalo - I have a $50K job that employs the skills I've honed since college. I'm using my degree and my brain instead of laboring like my father and every one of my ancestors before him. I'm fucking up so bad at work right now. I should have been shit canned a long time ago but they need me and my skills very badly. It is a very uncomfortable and downright awful feeling to admit this to yourself, but the truth is the truth. Even though I know it is the wrong thing to have happen I have found myself wishing to get shit canned, so I can have at least 6 months to unwind, meditate, relax, think about what I really want to do with myself.

I am not functioning as a normal human being right now. Since I have this emptiness about me in general I cannot be motivated to do even the simplest of life tasks. This is not the way I'm supposed to function - I was born a talented, intelligent person bred from a family of workaholics. At birth I had the tools to become a very successful human being. I know I still have these things in me and I have to bring them out, ASAP, and start excelling in life. I need to start knocking their socks off at work and to start becoming a more organized and structured person. I have a great apartment and I have to make it clean and organized and inviting. I have to actually start doing laundry. I have to mail in my bills. But most of all I have to have this internal alarm that absolutely frightens me into making sure all of this shit gets done, and is of some importance.

Of course you all know I have this condition which I know has to take credit for many of the feelings and such that go on in my head and heart. I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely necessary for me to have some kind of therapist. Looking back I never felt better in the last 6 months than when I had my scheduled meetings with my counselor in the previous program. I may not need it forever but it is going to be a necessity for now in order for me to have the proper perspective and frame of mind to attack life head-on. Frankly I have been letting this depression act itself out as an excuse for my life failings and would anyone disagree that it shouldn't be that way? Reality states that I can't afford to have it be that way, and that's just how it is. So I have an illness, that's fucking tough, people are all born with a different set of circumstances. I have to control it, not the other way around, and therapy, one on one open conversation with a professional is one way that I think will help me turn it all around.

Having that girl over the other night was nice but I know I can't have a girlfriend. I don't want a girlfriend, maybe just a nice, close pal that will give me a big hug every now and then. That would be fantastic, amazing, wonderful. I know that with everything else that's going on I'm way too self absorbed to give anything of myself to a woman. Never should I think that I need a girl in my life. The very mentioning of it is an absurdity. It would only take my focus away from where it should be. Even though there are so many beautiful girls I see all the time I have to forget about them and prioritize the other things.

This has been a struggle, a battle really, but I will not win without discipline and focus. I know I can do this, with a little shove. I have to win. I think now I know exactly what it is that needs to be done and I know I can execute the plan. I just need to fix my ignition! Please, I hope you all will keep me in your thoughts. Good vibes can't hurt either! Thanks for listening.

Jason