Im angry and the past 2 semesters are being cleared of their hallucinatory web and im falling down fast to the fucking earth. In anger the alliteration is all around. So, this blank space shall help me clear up some facts.
1. There is nothing one can do to normalize the 'outsider' experience, you just will have to stand on the fringes and be granted ocasional privilages.
2. One has to completely erase your past experiences and achievements when one relocates.
3. One cannot draw consolance from "those happy times"
4. one will be and allways will be the exotic 'other'
5. If anyone mentions one more time about how excellent my english is, im going to present a tome to that offending person about the fucking colonial history that India has had. I'm sorry I am not capable of speaking any other kind of english.
6. if anyone looks closely at my lips and tries to lip read when im fucking screaming my head off, i shall drown my sorrows in a bottle of old monk rum (my favorite from mera desh)
7. If anyone asks me if there are big houses and good roads in India, I shall repeat the book-presentation this time with Said's Orientalism and visker's essay on racism. and then some more subaltern history.
8. IF anyone attempts to translate weird little americanisms i shall inform politely that media globalization and imperialism has brought everything from Cops to Friends to The Bold and the Beautiful to the many corners of the earth.
9. I shall also poltitely explain that I speak, read and write 4 languages, have an MA in Developement Communication and Documentary production and have taken a 20 hour long flight to come to this blessed land.
10. this rounds off nicely my little diatribe.

So why I am writing this? because i have been told, in not so many ways, the first 4 points by some power-that-be.
im frustrated and im not going to be slotted into a preconceived role of the 'alien' the 'foriegner' the 'outsider' that one has to help in order for then to assimilate. well i do not want to assimilate.

My mother left to India on Sunday. I want to go too. The weather apparently is conducting itself beautifully. All wet earth and pouring rain. I miss those long drives and hot raosted buttas (corn)! Sigh!I miss those many strong Irani chais and butter biscuits. I miss the cheap cigarettes. I miss the conversations in Hyderabadi Hindi (a strange mix of Urdu and Hindi. I miss being with friends and sharing one precious cigarette. I miss the big weddings of cousins and friends. I miss the heavy Kanjaeevaram saris and exquisite jewellery. I miss being with my huuuuge extended family and talking till the sun goes up. I miss being the one everyone looks to when we decide at 3.00 am that it is time for some "yummy chai." I miss being able to take off whenever I wanted to and go away to my village for a couple of days. I miss being pampered. I miss having money (lots of it.) I miss my little nephew I havent seen. I miss my friends. I miss vinaya and nitin. I miss those looong conversations about films and politics. I miss saying the lines that made me famous (hmmm): "must have been devastating" and "come on everybody, dance. come on, young man dance," to my sweetest friend nitin, much to his embarrasment.I miss my partner, the love of my life. I miss my beautiful home, with the many guava trees and sweet smelling coconut trees. I miss taking an auto(3 wheeler public transport) to whereever I please. I miss the terrible coffee at Qahwah, the coffee place. I miss the conversations with Srinivas there.
I miss
I miss
I miss
3 times said too much
"Sing" little girl, said the old man from his perch
for there will be life and a song long lost when you return.

colouring your hair, as much as Revlon tells you, does not do too much to your life. i still have to read 48 essays and write as many papers. i am also going to cheecago,as my Telugu brethren would say, on the 11th. will meet old friends and drink and smoke too much. i love it. i spent 3 years of my undergrad years like that, i think i can manage another week, right?

The slow death of civil liberty. I propose flying those flags at half mast.

New York Times
February 13, 2004
Ashcroft Defends Subpoenas
By ERIC LICHTBLAU

WASHINGTON, Feb. 12 — Attorney General John Ashcroft rebuffed calls
from
Congressional Democrats and abortion rights groups on Thursday to drop
the
Justice Department's demands for abortion records from a half-dozen
hospitals.

Mr. Ashcroft said the records were essential to the department's
courtroom
defense of a new law banning what he called "the rather horrendous
practice
of partial-birth abortions."

A group of doctors have sued to overturn the law, which was passed by
Congress last November and signed by President Bush. They say they have
performed medically necessary abortions that would now be banned.

Mr. Ashcroft told reporters that "if the central issue in the case, an
issue
raised by those who brought the case, is medical necessity, we need to
look
at medical records to find out if indeed there was medical necessity."
He
refused to say whether he had personally signed off on the subpoenas
for the
records.

The department has subpoenaed at least six hospitals, in New York City,
Philadelphia, Chicago and Ann Arbor, Mich., to obtain medical histories
for
women who have had abortions in the last three years performed by the
doctors now suing the government. A federal judge in Chicago has thrown
out
a subpoena against Northwestern University Medical Center because he
said it
was a "significant intrusion" on patient privacy, and hospital
administrators in other cities are contesting the demand as well.

Government lawyers do not want the names or other identifying
information
about the women, Mr. Ashcroft said. He said the Justice Department was
sensitive to privacy concerns, "and so we took, I believe, every
precaution
possible" to protect patient confidentiality.

But some Democrats in Congress, abortion rights groups and civil
liberties
advocates condemned the records demand on Thursday and called for Mr.
Ashcroft to drop the subpoenas.

"It is clear from both federal and state laws that strong privacy
restrictions are in place to prevent the kind of intrusive breach of
medical
privacy that these actions represent," said Representative Rahm
Emanuel, an
Illinois Democrat who has written legislation restricting the public
use of
medical records.

Representative Eliot L. Engel, Democrat of the Bronx, said, "All
Americans
should have the right to visit their doctor and receive sound medical
attention without the fear of Big Brother looking into those records."

We need security from Homeland Security.
Read this....


FEDS WIN RIGHT TO WAR PROTESTOR'S RECORDS

BY RYAN J. FOLEY
Associated Press Writer

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) -- In what may be the first subpoena of its kind
in decades, a federal judge has ordered a university to turn over
records about a gathering of anti-war activists.

In addition to the subpoena of Drake University, subpoenas were served
this past week on four of the activists who attended a Nov. 15 forum at
the school, ordering them to appear before a grand jury Tuesday, the
protesters said.

Federal prosecutors refuse to comment on the subpoenas.

In addition to records about who attended the forum, the subpoena
orders the university to divulge all records relating to the local
chapter of the National Lawyers Guild, a New York-based legal activist
organization that sponsored the forum.

The group, once targeted for alleged ties to communism in the 1950s,
announced Friday it will ask a federal court to quash the subpoena on
Monday.

"The law is clear that the use of the grand jury to investigate
protected political activities or to intimidate protesters exceeds its
authority," guild President Michael Ayers said in a statement.

Representatives of the Lawyer's Guild and the American Civil Liberties
Union said they had not heard of such a subpoena being served on any
U.S. university in decades.

Those served subpoenas include the leader of the Catholic Peace
Ministry, the former coordinator of the Iowa Peace Network, a member of
the Catholic Worker House, and an anti-war activist who visited Iraq in
2002.

They say the subpoenas are intended to stifle dissent.

"This is exactly what people feared would happen," said Brian Terrell
of the peace ministry, one of those subpoenaed. "The civil liberties of
everyone in this country are in danger. How we handle that here in Iowa
is very important on how things are going to happen in this country
from now on."

The forum, titled "Stop the Occupation! Bring the Iowa Guard Home!"
came the day before 12 protesters were arrested at an anti-war rally at
Iowa National Guard headquarters in Johnston. Organizers say the forum
included nonviolence training for people planning to demonstrate.

The targets of the subpoenas believe investigators are trying to link
them to an incident that occurred during the rally. A Grinnell College
librarian was charged with misdemeanor assault on a peace officer; she
has pleaded innocent, saying she simply went limp and resisted arrest.

"The best approach is not to speculate and see what we learn on
Tuesday" when the four testify, said Ben Stone, executive director of
the Iowa Civil Liberties Union, which is representing one of the
protesters.

Mark Smith, a lobbyist for the Washington-based American Association of
University Professors, said he had not heard of any similar case of a
U.S. university being subpoenaed for such records.

He said the case brings back fears of the "red squads" of the 1950s and
campus clampdowns on Vietnam War protesters.

According to a copy obtained by The Associated Press, the Drake
subpoena asks for records of the request for a meeting room, "all
documents indicating the purpose and intended participants in the
meeting, and all documents or recordings which would identify persons
that actually attended the meeting."

It also asks for campus security records "reflecting any observations
made of the Nov. 15, 2003, meeting, including any records of persons in
charge or control of the meeting, and any records of attendees of the
meeting."

Several officials of Drake, a private university with about 5,000
students, refused to comment Friday, including school spokeswoman
Andrea McDonough. She re
fe
rr

ed questions to a lawyer representing the
school, Steve Serck, who also would not comment.

A source with knowledge of the investigation said a judge had issued a
gag order forbidding school officials from discussing the subpoena.