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Carolinian's Journal

carolinian
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10/03/2006 02:26 #21086

Conversation
Category: love
Tonight I had a conversation with my girlfriend who still lives in North Carolina.

Me: Do you know yet whether you can come up for my birthday Nov. 17th?

Girlfriend: I'm afraid I can't. I just can't.

Me: Why not?

Girlfriend: Because Buffalo took you away from me.

Me: What? What? (in disbelief)

Me (thinking silently to myself): I waited close to two weeks for you to ask at work and figure out whether you could come up and visit me for my birthday. And after all that time, the answer you give me sounds like something you could have thought up in two seconds and could have given me two weeks earlier.

Me: So, after I've flown down and visited you this summer, you just can't do the same for me? (did I mention I'd be paying for her entire ticket up here?)

Girlfriend: sorry, I can't come up and visit you. It's like me saying 'I've got this really nice friend in North Carolina, and I'd like you to come down and see him.' Buffalo is what took you away from away from me, so I can't go up there.

Me (thinking silently to myself): Me trying desperately to get any computer job I could back in NC and submitting hundreds of resumes and constantly getting turned down, followed by you and your mother calling me "selfish" for staying in Raleigh for a potential job interview instead of driving you to to do work errands for your mother, who's also your boss, that you couldn't run yourself because of your driving problem*, followed by your mother busting on me for being a 30 year-old man without a job who couldn't support her daughter in the future and who should be spending his time sending out resumes--that certainly influenced my choice to take a job up in Buffalo. You should be blaming that BS for taking me away from you.**

Me: Do you know how silly that sounds?

Girlfriend: You just don't understand.

Me: You know, in this entire relationship, I've gone out of my way a lot to come and see you. For over a year I did all that driving back and forth from Raleigh 40-60 miles out to Zebulon and later Wilson several times a week. The whole time, you almost never came to see me in Raleigh. I was kind of hoping after all those times I came to see you, the very least you could do would be to come up and see me.

Girlfriend: You just don't understand.

Me: Well, I need to go to work tomorrow. Goodnight. Bye.

Girlfriend: Bye.

(End of conversation; I hang up).

The irony of this situation is that I just came back from the end of services for Yom Kippur (the Jewish holiday which deals with wrongs you feel other have done to do you for which you're supposed to forgive them) and already I have something that I should be steaming furious about. I guess I'll try to rise to the spiritual challenge and look past it. Of course, that means not letting anger dominate my life; it doesn't mean continuing to let myself be jerked around on a string like a Yo-Yo.


  • My girlfriend has this issue with driving long distances. Basically, up until a year ago, her mother forbade her from driving distances more than 5-10 miles, even though she was 20. The GF told me, at the start of our relationshiop, that if she were to drive any significant distance, her mother would call the police and report the car as stolen, even though the GF was the one making the payments on the car and insurance at the time. If someone tells you that you can't do something and prevents you from doing that thing and threatens you with punishment for doing that thing, and if they are successful in getting you not to do that thing, then they have basically undermined your ability to do that thing. Whenever the GF needed to go somewhere and her mother couldn't take her, then I had to take her because of what her mother did to her. In the last year, my girlfriend has denied that her mother ever did this, and has basically internalized her mothers feelings about her driving as her own. The end result is that she can't really go anywhere other than a few miles from her house, and she thinks that "this is the way things have always been."

  • I tend to see any attempt by the mother to get me to drive her daughter somewhere, or her refusal to drive her daughter to somewhere she wants to go, as a refusal to acknowledge the damage in her daughter's development that she caused in undermining her daughter's ability to drive significant distances. That the mother would refuse to acknowledge her role in making her daughter unable to perform the errand while casting me as the "selfish" bad guy because I would not help her with the errand is something I consider to be intolerable hipocrisy.
vincent - 10/04/06 08:25
I'm sorry about hearing all of those things.

Just to let you know sometime in the future if you want to hit up Canada, the offer is on the table that we discussed @ the party. At the very least it would take your mind of all of that for a while.
carolinian - 10/03/06 22:19
A few comments to the commenters:

1. No need to apologize for anything. My friends and family have said far harsher things, and a good deal of those things certainly ring true. And the driving stuff is crazy. North Carolina is a state in the US, not a province in Afghanistan. If the mother had her way, my girlfriend would be wearing a burqa.

2. My father, the psychiatrist, says that for the mother to have that kind of control, the daughter in effect has to "be her mother's ally". In some ways, I can't just totally blame the mother, because it's the GF's job to resist her mothers ridiculous demands and to not incorporate these messed up demands into her course of thinking.

3. There's a lot of other messed up stuff going on with the GF's family, which gives me a lot more cause for considering ending it, so the original "you should just let her go" suggestion definitely has merit. In a future post/rant, I'll probably go into this stuff.




metalpeter - 10/03/06 20:37
Untill I read the explination of her problems I was going to say dump her she obviously dosn't care about you at all. I was also going to say to make a surprise vist down there and see if there is anything going on that she isn't saying. If you love her in the way that you think she is "The one" get her help cause she needs it, if she isn't all ready getting it. I will admit I don't really have any good advice on how to get her to get help or really what to do.
mrmike - 10/03/06 16:16
Lord knows fresh starts are hard, but I think that is where you ought to go. It ain't fun, but you will be liberated from all the controlling of the mom and the I'm not sure what to call it of the girlfriend. Quid pro quo is a key. Put up with each others crap and whatnot. You're doing all the heavy lifting so to speak and there doesn't seem an end. You're not the only guy in Buffalo starting fresh. I'm thinking of designing jackets.
jenks - 10/03/06 13:13
First of all, that driving stuff is crazy. But secondly- And this is harsh and I apologize, but I really think it's a factor- did you say that she's 20 and you're 30?
I think that explains a lot right there.

Far be it for me to give ANYONE relationship advice since I am utterly incompetent in that dept- but I will anyway. My advice is to make a clean break and start fresh. She doesn't seem willing to make a compromise (as you have said yourself), and it seems there have been issues before... Buffalo is not a dating mecca, but still, it's worth a shot.

Sorry if that's overly harsh.
joshua - 10/03/06 09:44
Do not let this girl walk over you and try to play the guilt game. She is the one that should be feeling guilty, not you. DO NOT let her put you in that spot. She might be your girl, but I don't see how you could tolerate that nonsense.

09/26/2006 22:17 #21085

WWFD (What Would Frasier Do?)
Category: love
Thought of the day: relationships suck. Especially when you're torn between wanting to be with someone at all costs and listening to the people you know and trust (yourself included) who have correctly pointed the number of difficulties that you've had in your relationship.

And so I'm faced with a paradox. It feels like the relationship was always meant to be, and that I know the person as well as I know myself. Yet at the same time the other half the relationship is unwilling to match the 50% of the compromise, sacrifice, and personal growth that I'm willing to put forward, and ones wiser than myself tell me that these attributes are cornerstones of relationships that are meant to be.

I know that no amount of complaining that I do will resolve any of these issues, as sorely tempted as I am to do this (which I probably will do over the next several weeks). For tonight, the most I can do is ponder how confused I am right now and take some comfort in the fact that writing this all down makes me feel better.
lilho - 09/28/06 11:32
my mom says, and she knows everything. you should make yourself happy first, and then decide.
jenks - 09/27/06 23:03
haha, are you sure you're not writing this about my life?
While I agree with everyone, and know that you'll never be happy if you settle, I 100% understand what you're feeling. And yes, it sucks. Good luck.
theecarey - 09/27/06 22:22
You nailed it, (e:jason)

It has to be 100% from both of you- no less.

If it doesnt feel right, it probably isnt.

You cant rationalize it "better". It is what it is.

Often we know the answers in our gut-- it sounds like you know.. Now its a matter of what are you going to do about it? Best of luck on that!

haha, (e:jason) I think you nailed what would Frasier do as well.
mrmike - 09/27/06 21:39
I concur with Jason on this one. If you feel you're getting gyped emotionally than it ain't a relationship. The give and take has to be mutual or it's doomed.
metalpeter - 09/27/06 19:42
I guess the real question is are you Happy? Where is the realtionship at sexualy and where do you want it to be? Would you really be better off alone? Those are really the question you need to ask your self before you decide what you want to do. You know your personality better then anyone else and knows how you will feal the best that is a big consideration. Some people are verry picky and if it isn't mister/Miss right then they can't be with them. Then some people always have to have a signifagant other just to feal that companionship even if there is lots of fighting. Basicly you have to decide what way you will really be happiest and go with that and see if there are any other factors that if they changed might make you happier. What ever happens I wish you luck.
carolinian - 09/27/06 19:07
(e:jason), congrats on the new job. It's such a relief when you finally find a computer job that fits your abilities--or you find an employer who's more interested in your problem-solving abilities than what what flavor-of-the-month language you know. Visual basic is a pretty easy-to-learn environment, so you shouldn't have too much trouble adapting.
jason - 09/27/06 13:49
Oh, to answer your question. Frasier would sit with Niles, have a Sherry, and talk about his feelings. Then he would probably get himself in trouble with his mouth, have to weasel his way out of it somehow, but in the end it would be okay.
jason - 09/27/06 13:43
Hey bro. My feeling has always been that each person has to give 100% and nothing less. If you get the gut feeling that something ain't right, it's time to move on and know it's the right decision. Good luck!

09/22/2006 03:01 #21084

First new year's resolution
Category: life
It's new year's eve, and I think my first resolution for the year of our lord 5767 will have to be to get my butt to bed at a regular hour more often.
theecarey - 09/23/06 01:06
Reflections on your life of the year past and how you want the days yet to come to progress can be a powerful thing; I still have a few months to think about it ;)

Happy Rosh Hashanah!
metalpeter - 09/22/06 19:24
Yeah but if you went to bed at a regular time you would miss New Years Eve and then not be able to make the resoulution, I'm joking around of course. Hey sometimes it is hard to get to bed early.
jenks - 09/22/06 17:51
hehe, I routinely snooze for (at least) an hour. But that is b/c I (try to) get up at 430 and am an idiot and stay up til midnight most of the time.
imk2 - 09/22/06 08:51
you should be like me and be in bed by 9pm. yup, i said it. i go to be at 9 to wake up by 6am and i still cant roll my ass out of bed without hitting the snooze bar 3 times. but, on the upside, i usually dont fall asleep at my desk come 2pm.

09/12/2006 00:59 #21083

A little belated, perhaps
Category: life
I might as well join in on the 9/11 recount.

When 9/11 happened, I was on the Internet. I didn't know it had happened--strangely enough, the sites I was browsing didn't mention it. It must have been around 4PM when my mom called downstairs to tell me that some crazy people flew planes into the world trade center.

After that, the entire month of September was unbearable, and I largely blame the media for this. The TV was just one long loop of planes crashing into buildings over and over again, set to the soundtrack of mindless commentary of news commentators who honestly though their endless jabber would some how shed more light on what happened.

The worst part of it, though, was seeing the people jumping off the WTC on TV. That's without a doubt the worst thing I've ever seen; I had wondered how horror movies were every supposed to be scary again after seeing something this bad. And of course, I had to see those images of people jumping to their deaths looped over and over again, again set to the soundtrack of more useless commentary. And no matter what I did, I just couldn't escape the awful replay and useless talk.

Ever since then, I've suffered from 9/11 fatigue. I absolutely do not give one wit about the latest 9/11 movies and I outright refuse to go to them with my friends. If my friends watch something about 9/11 on the History Channel, I just go in the other room. And I can't listen to Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" because that song so effectively sums up how I felt that entire month--"I'm being overwhelmed, I think I'll go to my bedroom and take a nap, wake me up when this stupid thing is over and people are ready to accept this tragedy and learn from it instead of replaying it pointlessly."

And that's my recounting of what I experienced on 9/11.

jenks - 09/12/06 13:36
I couldn't agree more. I was in a meeting, and when I came out, my (jokester) friend was like "hey guess what terrorists blew up the WTC!" and i said 'haha very funny', only to learn he wasn't joking. After days of trying to get through to my friends in NYC, and nonstop media barrage- I was (and am) sick of it. Yes it was terrible, yes I feel bad for everyone- but I don't want to see it, hear about it, or talk about it any more. I think this whole spate of 5-yr anniversary specials is gross and tacky. Just a way to commercialize tragedy. It's not like we're going to forget... Especially when I have friends in NY who miss no chance to tell me that I "just don't understand what it's like to live in post 9/11 new york". Puh-leeze. Spare me.

09/04/2006 01:41 #21082

labor day weekend recap
Category: life
Friday.

Hard day at work. Made me very tired. Took a nap at 8:00PM to get refreshed for the party at 10PM. When I woke up, it was 5AM. Dammit, I suck.

Verdict On Friday:

I seem to have a difficult time with this alcohol in moderation. Last week, I drink too much, and by accident pass out on a couch on a porch, and miss most of the next day in an awful hangover. Friday, I ended up by accident going to bed ultra-early and stone-cold sober. I'm now at the other extreme.

Saturday.

Got up real early. 5AM. Way damn to early for my own good. Did some stuff around the house. Went to the (e:ladycroft) and (e:nejifer) birthday party. It's actually right around the corner from my place, so I didn't have to drive. At 3:30AM, I eventually make my way back to my apartment and crash.

Verdict On Saturday:

High points:

I got up early. My Circadian rhythms might some day align with the rising and setting of the sun.

I got to see lots of (e:peeps), as well as meet some cool new people.

I was reminded of my days spent at Ithaca College with foreign exchange students. I forgot how much they could be.

I helped save the cake at the party by grabbing the third corner of the tray. Were it not for my actions, the cake might have smashed to the floor.

There were half-naked people dancing. Very amusing.

I practiced far more moderation than I did at the last party.

Counterpoints:

By getting up early, I reduce my ability to stay up really late, and will want to go to sleep really early.

I realize that I would have had ever more fun at the party if I hadn't stopped taking french, german, and spanish courses in college.

I helped save the cake from accidently smashing to the floor, only to see it later intentionally smashed into the faces of (e:nejifer) (e:ladycroft) and (e:decoyisryan) . Though I've got to admit, the second outcome was far more fun to watch.

All the half naked people were men. And even if there were any half-naked women, the fact they come from cultures where half-nakedness is not taboo and is socially acceptable would totally spoil the shock value of being flashed.

I practiced enough moderation to get home safe, sound, and coherent. But I still woke up with one bitch of a hangover today, and spent most of today in bed.

Sunday (today):

Spent most of today recovering from yesterday. Missed the Buffalo Wing Festival, which probably is better for my high cholesterol situation. Had an excellent meal at Panos. I went to see Idlewild at the Elmwood Regal.

Verdict on Sunday:

Hangovers suck. It's not only the headache, it's that false feeling of malaise that makes you want to stay in bed all day as if you were sick. I made it through, however. Far enough to have a great pasta dish, which probably won't make me any fatter because for most of the day I was to nauseated to eat anything. And Idlewild was really good, at least in my opinion. It was cool to see stop-motion animation, great dancing, and jazz in a movie with two top-ten hip-hop artists; I had expected the "I-sell-lots-of-records-therefore-that-qualifies-me-to-be-a-great-actor" attitude to prevail--I'm glad I was wrong.


metalpeter - 09/04/06 13:59
Glad you made it to the party. I knew someone saved the cake but I didn't know who. I thought when the cake first came out that I was going to get run over there wasn't much space. I like how you broke the journal down with reflection. If I read it right the reason you woke up so early is cause you feal asleep early. So if you would have not fallen asleep and made it to mikes you would have really gotton trashed and met some new people also. Then woken up much later and been up for like 3 hours and gone to Timika's and then stayed till like 5:30am like me and two groups of people. I can't imagine what all the parting would do to your sunday. In any event I'm glad you had a good time.

On a side note I do wana see idlewild it looks like a western type musical thing looks interesting. I will admit I used to be into Outkast when they first came out. That was years ago. I belive one of the members was also the leader of a group called Godie Mob. Either that or they where friends "Whoes that looking through my window, Pow No'body No'Body now". Glad you enjoyed the movie doubt I'll get to see it anytime soon.