For some reason, I've lately had some inhibition against posting. I'm not exactly sure what I'd call it, but it runs along the line of the duality of fear and laziness I tend to feel sometimes--like I'm afraid of the consequences of doing anything at all. But then I get tortured by the reality of doing nothing at all, so the thought of either choice bothers the hell out of me.

Okay, I'm starting to feel better about this now, having gone one paragraph into my post and shaving spent the effort to start typing stuff.

First, the curses of this week.

1st Curse. Work has been extremely stressful, because the database whose work I'm trying to repair (done by the other programmers before me) is just so f*cked up. For the past month of so, we've had this "phantom problem" as it were, where parts manufactured on certain work orders wouldn't go through the system. I tried and tried and tried to figure out what the problem was in the software client that talked to the database, but no dice. Two weeks ago, I finally found out what the problem was: the problem wasn't the client software at all, the problem was the server software the client software talked to. I had assumed that the problem wasn't the server at all, as I would have thought that the programmers would have made sure that above all else, the server code would have worked flawlessly.

In a way, the system did work flawlessly, and that was the problem. The entire system was never *designed* to deal with manufactured parts where the same manufacturing operation was done twice. If you record in the database that you stamp the metal and weld the metal, it's all good. But if you stamp the metal again after that, the entire process gets stuck in its tracks. I'm oversimplying a little bit, but that's the just of it. What getting me so darned stressed now is how deep the roots of this problem run, that almost everything in the existing program will have to be changed or thrown out; it's not going to be the quick, simple fix that the CEO thinks it'll be.

2nd curse: my issues with someone I'm close to back home. I've made the visit down to see them early this summer, but they're not reciprocating and visiting me up here. I've even offered to pay for their plane ticket, but still this person finds every excuse not to come up. This in itself is merely annoying, but it starts getting infuriating when they lay on the guilt trips real thick about me not visiting and asking when I'm going to come down and visit again. I'm feeling that in my interpersonal relations with this person, I'm not getting any due consideration at all. I end up feeling really bad.

3rd curse: My own inertia I suck at overcoming. There's just so much more I could be doing with my weekends if I didn't sleep till 2PM.

4th curse: Missing folks back home, and missing them a lot. Tends to happen when I have family come up and visit.


Now the blessings

1st Blessing. My father came up to visit me. It was wonderful having another human being besides myself in my apartment. I was really nice to see at least one member of my family again. Over the five days we spent together, we had several good meals, he helped me tremendously with work around the house, and the high point of his visit was seeing Shakespeare In Delaware Park. He really liked the "12th Night", and is still raving about it a week later.

2nd Blessing. I know I forgot something that was good. This is a placeholder until I remember it.

3rd Blessing. The blinds my father helped me put up. I now officially have the choice to walk my apartment end-to-end in whatever clothes or lack-thereof and no one will be the wiser. My dream of privacy has finally been realized.

4th Blessing. I finally got around to adding basic exporting of data on the bar-mapping data-entry program. Since I can now export the existing buffalo establishments I've added (+140) into a XML PList file as backup, I'm now less concerned about screwing up the rest of the program. My next goal will be adding parsing of the Yahoo geocoding format, as Yahoo seems to provide more descriptive and useful geocoding XML than Google.

For the last several days, I was going to write another screed about how stupid my work/boss/whatever is.

But I've decided not to. And that's because I'd be bringing work into my after-5PM life, and I don't want to do that because my dad has been visiting since Friday. I miss my family back in North Carolina, so much so that I don't want to give one damn about work once I clock out. Making the most of every second of the limited amount of time I get to see them is of chief proriority, and I won't let anyone else (including myself) tell me otherwise.

There's actually no point to the post. But then again, this is like a diary and all, and since when has personal reflection needed to have a point?

Wow, this is going to probably be a really long post. There's just so much that's happened, and plus I've let a day or two lapse.

The Good:

This weekend was probably one of the more social I've had in quite a while. I had a lot of fun spontaneously meeting up with all those peeps I hadn't met before (plus the existing ones I had) at spot on Friday. And I had a good, slightly freaky time going with (e:vincent) to Diablo last friday--lots of interesting 'angsty' people. Kinda like me. Sunday meeting more (un)known peeps at spot also rocked.

I also picked up a copy of O'reilly's "Google Map Hacks", and found what I needed to calculate distance from latitude and longitude (plus other useful stuff).

The Bad:

As wonderful as the weekend is, Monday really sucked. Most of it was work-related. (And here, folks, is why I don't want to be Googled. I won't reveal anything classified or damaging, but I want to be able to write "I had a bad day at work", etc).


As some background (my job deserves a post of its own at some point), I was brought on board this company as the sole programmer to fix the database system that my company has been migrating to. The previous programmers (there used to be several of them) screwed up their stuff (with a lot of help from some of people in the company, so the rumors go), and I was hired to do the herculean job of cleaning up their herculean mess (about 12,000 man hours of stuff); the rough deadline of this was going to be around at least december. The CEO moved the target date to the beginning of this fall, which has greatly increased the pressure on myself.

Many of the problems I run into are people problems and not problems I can solve with my technical abilities; if one person thinks one type of behavior is a bug and the other a "feature", and no one remembers which it should be--I can't really fix the problem when I don't even know what a solution is supposed to look like. There are some technical problems, and these are largely that a lot of the stuff that programmers wrote in undocumented spaghetti code (especially the stored procedures on the server), and there's no clear policy about what layer of code (DB stored procedure, DB views, high level obj-c objects, obj-c database bindings) is responsible for what. This project is really a reverse-engineering project more than anything else.

At this point in time, after six months of me trying to untangle this Gordian knot to save the company, the CEO on Monday tells me that I'm doing it all wrong and that all the lack of progress I've made is due to my lack of documentation and keeping track of the changes I've made. I've been using a code versioning system and bug reporting system, I've been logging the changes I make in the database structure into the version system, and colleagues from my former university used to remark that I'm a sick bastard for writing a line of comment documentation for every line of code. But the CEO pulls this out of his ass and says "now we're going to do this 'my way'". He was at least partially complicit in the mess that was created before I arrived (to what extent is still in question), so I start worrying that our early fall deadline won't be met, and I'll get blamed for not meeting it if I let him do what he wants, and if I disobey him I'll get blamed (and possibly fired).

After work, I drive back to my apartment and call a friend from back in NC to talk about my day. While talking with him, I realize that there are 40-60 baby spiders crawling on my bedroom ceiling. For many years, I've tried to trap spiders inside something like a cup or tupperware and release them outside without killing them. I don't want to take life I don't have to. That day, in fact, I took two such spiders outside to avoid the whole squishing thing. But this was at night, when I had work the next day and couldn't spend the several required days scooping every baby spider into a tupperware bowl. And I knew that if I let all those spiders grow big in my bedroom, which is the worst place for someone who finds spiders creepy to have spiders (bed, clothes, etc are in there) I could never get any sleep. Plus, I would get bitten dozens of times during every night.

So I had to kill just about all of them, apologizing to each one before I squished it. I did manage to let 1-2 spiders out of the house, because I felt that the female spider should at least have a few of her babies survive the terrible things I did. But in the end, almost none of those in my bedroom made it, because I had to make the difficult choice of putting my safety first. To the spider Jaoquin (another subject for a future (e:strip) posting) wherever you are, I have failed you. I am truly sorry.

Back to work.

Today, I start going by the plan the CEO wants. He tells me I should have changed the parts in the live database (that we currently use for some company uses) to match what I've done in the experimental database, and that this should be done by having stuff changed in the original database we're migrating from (we have an import export script I wrote to go from old to new). Yesterday, I thought he wanted me to start this whole process off by us reproducing our original problems, so I didn't change anything, because that's what I that he wanted me to do. Having now gotten chided today for this, I do what I definitely think he wants me to do this time around and I go to a mechanical engineer and ask him to make a change in the old database like he said that I should have done yesterday. The CEO then drags me and my immediate supervisor into the conference room. While storming to the conference room he says to my immediate supervisor "this guy doesn't get it. How stupid can you be?"

Once in the conference room, the CEO screams at me and accuses me of trying to "run a one-man show", of being arrogant and thinking that I know of everything that goes on in the company. He has some valid points about my communication skills not always being the best (I eventually told him about my Asperger's and ADD after he rhetorically asked 'is there anything physically wrong with you'), but other than that, I'm not trying to be any of those things. He accuses me of not listening to his orders to not go talk to anyone in the company about the results of the test program until he comes back with the results himself. My understanding of the situation was that he was going to hand people the test stuff and that every thing else was still up in the air, which I why I made the mistake of asking a coworker about the results before this whole thing began. The CEO then starts telling me to answer all these Yes/No questions, along the lines of "Did I say this or didn't I?" kinds of questions. If you answer "Yes", you're basically saying you knew exactly what he said and you disobeyed him; you answer "No", you're calling him a liar. I ask him if it would make him happy if from now own we used e-mail to communicate exactly what he wants, as doing things this way keeps an irrefutable proof of what was said and documents the process. He tells me he'd be too lazy to write the e-mails.

Eventually, he says that the solution is to get even more draconian and we're going to have a meeting to sort this all out in the afternoon. The afternoon meeting was actually productive and a lot of things got clarified, but for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, I was feeling really sad and really angry. I was sad and I couldn't express it--being a stoic and being male, I didn't cry; but I kind of felt like it on the inside. I was angry and couldn't express it--not wanting to thought clinically insane, I couldn't do something like hit a brick wall with my fists like I ordinarily would given the lack of a convenient punching bag or pillow. I wanted more than anything to tell that a**hole off and point out all the stupid things he had done or allowed in his company that could have contributed to the current situation with the database, but that would be None Too Wise for my career. All I could do that entire morning was just sit in front of the computer try to look like I was doing something while I let the shock of me being ripped a new one wear off. It was impossible to think about anything else.

It did help that some coworkers came by my cubicle and said "Don't worry about it, he does that to everyone. Take the few valid points he has and throw everything else out." I was especially touched by my immediate supervisor doing this, as I had assumed he wouldn't say anything at all. I guess I've completely misjudged my immediate supervisor and I was wrong for doing so. I treated myself to dinner at the Indian Diner in the evening, since I didn't eat lunch all afternoon because I was worrying that if I'd clocked out for lunch I'd be absent for his impromptu meeting whenever it would be, and he'd go back to screaming.

I'm feeling better since I talked to some more people from back home about this, but I'm still worried that in future heated encounters he'll push me past my breaking point and then I'll start speaking my mind about how I really see things in our organization, and how I see him in particular.

For the little remainder of tonight there is, I will try to look for some happiness in the world, some thought of pure beauty or joy that makes me forget the pointlessness of some things.

Had a bit of fun with the sign generator the other day

It was wonderful to get the posts of encouragement on my last journal. It's been kind of stressful for me to deal with this situation, and it's good to hear that I'm not alone in it. I'm sure that many people have endured far worse, and that I should probably be more thick-skinned about the whole boss thing.

I missed the violent femmes tonight. I'm bummed about that, but I'm trying to meet an unofficial deadline at work to get some progress made on the database software. While I don't think they'd let me go if I missed it (they are at least somewhat realistic about the large amount of stuff I have to do), missing it would bring in a different piece of software along with its corresponding consultant software company, who I am not very fond of.

I got out of work at 11:00. I need to get this project finished so I can start having a life again.