There is no way
I will not be able to handle
Cannot take these cards that could possibly be dealt to me
When will I cave in
When will I get the courage to find out
Maybe today
Maybe tomorrow
Hopefully never
Or, hopefully yes
Who knows

House of Change
I am at your doorstep
But cannot make the decision
to knock and come in
or just merely walk away

All Fucked up
Used to the smell of trouble
Used to finding a mess
I will pay
Sooner or later
Let's wish
for later than sooner

Jealousy will slowly kill us all - it is gut wrenching and evil. Fuck that - Fuck them - Fuck him. TK, baby, I love you. Maybe now there will be a little more clarity, within everything, and that path to move on will finally look like a good way to go this time. Always knowing who you are, how good you are, and how special you will always be is what is on the plate now. Take that inner journey and project it outward ... and hopefully then we will stumble upon common ground - that ground that we are meant to be on.

Hahahah - I really am suprising myself on how much I have been slacking with this lately. I thought it would be easier for me to keep up with this journal, day to day...but I have found myself keeping up more so with my written journal at home - Oops! Well, that's a good thing, but, anyways....I had a strange, strange weekend. I came to find out that I have to take a break from someone that I love so much - that I thought was different. She is being changed by drugs - they are taking over her body, mind and soul. I hate it - and she really let me down this weekend...so much that it was one of the components of my stress and anxiety, that eventually caused me to have a severe panic attack while driving on a thruway to New Jersey on Friday evening, all by myself!! It's funny that both times that I have had those awful attacks have been while I was driving on a thruway - not in daylight. Scary as hell, let me tell you. I have to step back and take a really good look at things in that department, with people like that - and steer clear of things that will cause me so much stress. I will also make it a point to never drive that far of a distance, by myself ... at least, for awhile.

I had a nice relaxing Sunday evening, and yesterday too, which helped end my long weekend on a good note. I am extremely exhausted today though ... it seems like I can just never get enough sleep these days.

According to Dr. "can't remember his name," with 'some study,' sleeping from 4.5-6.5 hours per night/day will lead to the longest lasting life and health.

I don't even think I am getting that, so that sucks!! Crap!! I'll have to work on that.

Well, I am excited to be home in Buffalo, and I am excited for Saturday, because it is Neil's Birthday!! Happy Stupid Valentines Day too!! Yuck!! hahaha

Well, it is monday once again - YUCK - I really do not care for the beginning of the week. This weekend went by way too fast...but I did have a good time. Paul's birthday party was really fun, although I was only there for about an hour, maybe not even...not by my choice though (just to let you boys know that!!!! I wanted to stay!!). Maybe in reflection of that situation, I shall start to go to parties by my lonesome, so I can come and go as I please, instead of dragging along 55 people with me!! Suprisingly, I did in fact make it to my child abuse and neglect training session on Saturday morning at 9:00, which was a shocker, on only 2.5 hours of sleep! Deciding on the way home from my training that I was going to lay my ass right back down to bed .... but that didn't last very long. Instead, Megan, Kat, Courtney and I decided we in need of a wonderful steak sandwich from the Pink, and a couple of beers, at 1:30 in the afternoon!! It was funny - we are crazy.

Hopefully next time we have a party at our place, Matthew, Paul and Terry will come over!!! That would be oh so special!!! Haha
I saw all of your pictures from the party, they were great. TK - u looked hot in those yellow pants baby!! =)

Ok, back to work ..........

Wow - I feel bad that I haven't kept up with my journal in awhile ... maybe I have been feeling out of touch - with myself, and especially with others very close to me (or I thought they were close to me), lately....

But Terry made a comment to me the other night that I should write in my journal!!! hahaha - i got caught!! Actually, thanks Terry, because I almost forgot that I had forgot to write in it...and I was planning on writing in it soon!! hahaha...... anyways.... Yeah, that was a good night - TK brought Terry over, finally!!! I tried to get those boys over to my damn place forever ... especially on New Years, but then we both ended up having parties!! It was funny!! Oh yeah, also - TK - thanks for wearing yo' hair all funkay for me ... it's much appreciated!! Tonight is the birthday party for Paul ... TK and Terry invited me, so I guess I am gonna go!! Gonna get blunted my brotha... haha, nope, gonna get drunky though!! Good times!!