I’m currently recovering from one of the most serious bouts of illness I have faced in my years on this earth, at least from what I can remember. I was unable to eat for five and a half days, and, even now, on the seventh day (of my illness), I am still extremely weak. The experience was a curious one, not only because at one point I seriously considered the possibility that I might die (or at least be seriously injured), but also because it seemed to take me into another world.

I once read a novel, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell. The story is set in 19th Century England and follows two magicians (you guessed it…Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell). At one point in the story, Jonathan Strange is attempting to find this magic being that lives in the magic world. To do this, he ultimately has to take a potion that induces a sort of insanity. He does not lose his mind, but the experience leaves him with a darkness that was not there.

I couldn’t help thinking of this book while I lay in the emergency room at Sister’s Hospital, and since then, because this illness seemed to take me into some alternate universe. I say this, because what I saw and heard did not feel like delirium. I was able to open my eyes and see that what I was hearing and seeing wasn’t actually happening (in this “world”). This happened several times, but the first was at the hospital.

My room was like a normal hospital room, minus the outer wall- there was a large curtain in its place. There were no adjoining doors on the others walls of the room, and a window on the wall opposite the curtain. I laid in this room receiving fluids, and while I laid there I literally saw people come in my room that weren’t there, they lay things on the bedside table that weren’t there either, and had conversations that weren’t taking place. I saw a little sitting gallery where some children sat and others came to collect them from or sit there with them. Yet when I opened my eyes to sit up and look to see if there was at least an adjoining door there, there was none. There was only a wall. I wondered then, and a little now, whether I was seeing dead people. I must point out that I considered the possibility that I was distorting outside noises, but based on my observation, that was not that case.

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, “well, obviously you were dreaming…I mean you just said that your eyes were closed,” but it wasn’t like a dream. After living as long as I have, I know what a dream feels like. This was no dream.

When I got home later that night, I had a similar experience. However, this was more like dreaming, but it still felt other worldly. I was in my bed, but it didn’t feel like my bed. It felt like it took me to a different place (again some other reality or universe). This time I was in the desert participating in some social experiment where we argued over how to organize our new society. The men, one man in particular, was focused on fashioning a very large, imposing weapon, intended to encourage others to follow him. We debated the consequence of this strategy and others (yes, even in delirium/dreaming/alternate worlds/whatever I’m still arguing about these kinds of things).

My next encounter was brief and happened the next morning. I was lying in bed. I closed my eyes and was in a bed still, but this time the ceiling was extremely tall (like sky scraper tall) and the walls were extremely white. Standing above me, about as tall as the ceiling, was a metallic, robot-like, creature. It turned to walk away, and I asked (not really yelling either) whether it was “friend or foe.” It turned back towards me, bent down, and looked at me. Its head was large, metal. There was a little opening where I expected to see eyes, but, instead I saw brown dirty water sloshing around inside. The creature then stood back up and moved on.

I had another brief moment last night, but it was nothing worth describing. After my “encounters,” it makes me wonder if, like Jonathan Strange, once you’ve seen this other world, you are indelibly tainted. In other words, you may not be stuck there, but some part of you will always be attuned to it.

To my knowledge, I am not now nor have I ever been known to suffer from any mental illness, nor was I under the influence of any medication (other than non-hallucinogenic herbs) during my recovery.

I wonder if this is how John felt when he wrote Revelations.

    Last Monday, my friends and I got together to make freezable dinners for a neighbor (actually their neighbor- I live in a different neighborhood). My friend Janelle had gathered us together on this mission, and, not too long before that, she had rallied the others to do the same thing for me. We were not gathered together for some freezable dinner of the month club, rather we were gathered together because the neighborhood woman is expecting within the month. I didn’t know this woman very well, but, nevertheless, I was thrilled to be there. This may seem strange to some, but it felt good to “pay it forward.” When I had my daughter, earlier this year, I was finishing my last year of law school. Those meals that my friends gathered together to make were a saving grace, because for a whole month I didn’t have to worry about what was for dinner.

While I was in my friend’s house cooking, it just hit me how great that moment was. It also hit me how cliché the moment seemed, at least at first glance. However, this moment was anything but cliché. We were all gathered together in one kitchen to cook, to drink beer, to talk about husbands, children, business, work, and a whole host of other topics. The sad thing is that I think, for some, moments like these are under appreciated. We live in a society that praises all these typical “male” characteristics of keeping our emotions to ourselves, not letting others get the upper hand, and maintaining a “kill or be killed” kind of attitude. Maybe those characteristics are overrated. Maybe we need to do better to appreciate more “feminine” characteristics like nurturing others, showing affection for others, and having a more cooperative attitude. Put another way, I think the true picture of feminism is not only that women can perform just as well as a man, but also that women don’t have to do things the same way that men do in order to prove that.

So, what am I saying exactly? Well let’s talk about what I’m not saying first. I’m not saying that women are just nurturing, hormonal, chocolate lovers, who love to be in the kitchen, and that women should focus on cooking meals instead of negotiating the sale of a business, etc. What I am saying is that, as women, we don’t have to be ashamed if we want to get together, talk, and cook a meal for the pregnant lady across the street so that her family can focus on more important things than dinner, and doing so does not mean that we can’t negotiate the sale of a business, etc.

So, thank you, Janelle. It was truly my pleasure.

Yet another unarmed, young black man has died in Ferguson, Missouri. We are, yet again, angered by the blatant disrespect for black life here in America. We are tired of the candlelight vigils, marches, etc. We are tired of the perpetrators vilifying the victims of these unwarranted killings. We are tired of being attacked and arrested. While this situation may seem hopeless and we may be powerless to control certain events, there are things that are within your control that you can do. More accurately, I’ve itemized two things you should not do and eight things you absolutely should do.

1.    Violence is not the answer
First off, violence is usually never the answer. As someone said yesterday at the #BuffaloForFerguson vigil, there are examples all over the world (e.g. the Israeli-Palestinian conflict) as proof that violence does not work. Not only that, we have thousands of years of history (including the Bible) that demonstrates the same thing. If you needed any more reason than that, it should be your own freedom. The law is unforgiving, especially for People of Color, and if you break it, you are going to find yourself in prison somewhere serving some outrageous sentence, behind bars, with less control over your own body than you have now.

2.    Dehumanizing others is also not the answer
Not only is violence not the answer, but neither is dehumanizing the police or any other person. If we do that, we’re no better than them. Just as not all black people are criminals, drug addicts, or any other stereo type, not all police are bad. One police officer in Buffalo lost her job for standing against a fellow officer. It’s important to remember that the issue here is more subtle than one of white supremacists vs. black people.
So, with that established, let’s look to what is a productive response.

3.    Get organized
One of the biggest obstacles to making a true change is to get organized. The one percent, in addition to having lots of money, have been highly organized. They have strategically placed men and women in places of power who support their agenda. From that structure, they are able to get tax breaks and other benefits that the average person doesn’t get.
While you may not have the same kind of money, it is still possible to effectively mobilize. You cannot be complacent. Join a block club, create an organization, support each other, campaign, help support representatives that you know and are willing to support your interests, right letters to existing local and national representatives, peacefully protest, make sure the media is reporting on what you want to know about, and work together.
While this may be somewhat of a tall order in a world with fading inter-personal contact and a culture of fear, it is possible and necessary. You’ll notice that the rest of my suggestions depend heavily on this part being in working order.

4.    Get educated
Know what your rights are. What you may intuitively think are your rights and what your actual rights are under the law can be two very different things. The ACLU and similar organizations have information that can give you a head start. Law review articles are thorough and give you a good background on the relevant law (you can try using Google Scholar for this). To go to the source of the law try Legal Information Institute for this or your local law library. Lawyers in the community, you can do your part to help. Get involved in an organization that offers legal advice to those who can’t afford it, and, if one doesn’t exist, create one yourselves.

5.    Be a mindful consumer
One of the best ways to protest, is to boycott businesses that support the same structure that continues to oppress black people. If you live in a predominantly black, urban neighborhood, you probably have certain stores in your area that continually exploit the black community (e.g. rent-to-own stores, etc.). So, if that business is not helping your cause, don’t go there. This includes fast food restaurants that do more harm than good.
However, this is not the only thing you need to pay attention to. Be a mindful consumer of media. Don’t accept garbage news. Don’t accept music and movies that perpetuate harmful stereo types of black people. If necessary, get rid of your cable (it makes it easier to control the content coming in to your house). It may sound militant, but there are ways to entertain yourself that aren’t detrimental to the black community.

6.    Create your own opportunities
Relatedly, if you’re finding it hard to find employment or business opportunities in your neighborhood, create them. This is especially important if your or someone you know is dealing with a prior conviction.
If you are fortunate to have money, then fund the people and businesses in your area that traditional banks won’t lend to.
On the consumer side of this, instead of supporting businesses that are harmful to your neighborhood, support locally owned businesses in your area.

7.    Educate your children
With many inner-city schools failing, impossible economic conditions, and host of other issues, it’s hard to ensure that our children are receiving a proper education and that they’re being treated with respect from day one. We can organize to change the system (see item # 3), but while we are waiting for the system to change, we can use self-help measures. Home schooling is an option. The conservative right has been using this is as a tool for many years, and it has worked.
If you can’t do this yourself, try to find someone in your community who is willing to do this (again, see # 3).
If this is not an option, show up to school board meetings, talk to other parents, talk to the principal. In short, do whatever you can, no matter how small a step it may seem. '

8.    Help debunk stereo types
Things like “Dear White People” and College Humor are working toward this goal, but you can do your part. Don’t fall into the trap of “acting black or white.” White people do not have a copyright on correct grammar, white collar professions, or country music. So be yourself and do what you have to do. Not happy with our first black President? Then become the next black President.

9.    Be patient
It’s hard to encourage people to be patient at this stage of the game. After hundreds of years of oppression, this seems unimaginable, but we also have to realize that this type of lack of respect for black lives has been present since the very inception of this country (e.g. the Constitution only recognized slaves as 3/5 of a man). This state of mind was not helped by our government’s lack of enforcement of our civil rights (the first civil rights act was not passed until close to 100 years after slavery was outlawed and even then it was hardly what was needed).
In short, this is going to take time, but the good news is that we’ve been at this for a while now and each day that we stay strong and take positive steps forward is one more day toward progress.

10.    Work your faith
With the news of Mike Brown’s murder, the many others before him, and the assault on peaceful protesters, I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, but I want to thank my Mom for reminding me that it is not by my might that this situation will be resolved (Isaiah 4:6). So, work your faith. Pray for peace. Pray for your enemies. Pray for the courage and strength to take what steps you can against the odds. And don’t just work your faith for yourself, encourage others in your community (again, see # 3). In my own life, this has been the most important step.
If you don’t believe in God, then tap into whatever resource you have to give you courage and strength during this battle.

So, I've been reading Dickens' "Bleak House" lately and made it to chapter four where the reader is introduced to Mrs. Jellyby.

Mrs. Jellyby is a philanthropist whose latest project involves coffee cultivation in Africa that is meant to be for the ultimate good of the natives as well as those who have settled there. Mrs. Jellyby is described as a woman of "remarkable strength of character" by Mr. Kenge before the main character reaches her house to find many young children, dirty, with one who has gotten his head stuck between two iron railings. After the main character helps this boy out, they are led upstairs to meet Mrs. Jellyby, and as they are going up they hear another little Jellyby falling down the stairs. They are introduced to Mrs. Jellyby, who is not at all bothered by the sound of one of her children falling down the stairs. She is described as having eyes that have a "curious habit of seeming to look a long way off...as if...they could see nothing nearer than Africa." She is extremely unkempt, her house is a wreck (with the curtains in one of the rooms being fastened with a fork), she has relegated her eldest daughter to do nothing but dictate letters on her African project, and her husband is an inconsequential man who doesn't say anything and fades into the background. In short, she has focused her efforts on everything else but her home.

When I was reading this, I couldn't help but wonder if I was a Mrs. Jellyby. It made me wonder whether I have sacrificed too much on the domestic side of things in order to focus on my passions. I'll openly admit that I have an "I want to save the world" complex, and this is a long running between me and Matt at home. I'll also openly admit that domestic tasks are not my first priority, but I can't go so far as to say that's a fault. Do I think Mrs. Jellyby is right to ignore her children and the house around her to the degree she does? No. But, my answer would be the same if this were Mr. Jellyby we were talking about. Further, it's my opinion that men who sacrifice everything in their home life, even if they leave it to their significant other to pick up the pieces, are no better (but there hasn't been much criticism about that form of neglect).

I think that it's good to have passion, and to stand up for what you believe in. I think there is more to life for women than cleaning up and taking care of children. I think that children are better off when they have a strong female model that has passions but also is there to be a guide, and I don't believe women have to choose between having a career and having children.

As for Dickens' Mr. Jellyby, the book seems to paint him as a victim of his wife's disinterest in her house, but I can't agree there either. He has a responsibility not to sit idly by if he is so miserable. If your wife isn't good at taking care of kids, don't have so many, get a nanny, or do it yourself!! If you don't like that your household is a mess, than get off your ass and clean it. Yes, I said it. Men, you can get up and clean your household if it's not as clean as you would like it. Allowing yourself to become nothing but an afterthought is no one's fault but your own. I have no patience for this theory that strong women=neutered men.

Why am I ranting about Dickens' views on feminism as illustrated in an 1852 novel? I'm ranting because this line of thinking is still prevalent today. How many times must we hear about how things are so horrible today because women have gone to work? There are lots of things, other than the rise of feminism, that can be attributed to that.

So, while I may be like Mrs. Jellyby in some respects, I know that I've done my best to balance my home life with my other passions, responsibilities, etc., and I will not feel guilty about my choices simply because I am a woman.

I was quoted in the UB school newspaper earlier this month on my experience visiting prisons.