So I guess I've got some updates...

My wrist and both elbows are pretty much up to speed and I was back to work by May 29th. Mickey was an awesome boyfriend through the ordeal. My Dad bought me groceries to last through the month while I was healing, and I relied on that as much as I could when applicable, but Mickey did help me out a lot. I tried my best to just remain busy and active and use my arms and wrist as much/as realistically as possible so they didn't get to weak or stiff, but now that I'm back to work, I can really feel the difference in strength.

I want to really try and start a gym regimen at work or school, but I'm rally timid to try and I wanna find someone to go with who'll either show me the ropes or is an inexperienced as I am, so I can pretend to take charge and learn. the idea of working out in front of a room full of people seems mortifying to me. When people are looking, they ARE looking to judge/check you out, don't tell me otherwise. I know.

Naturally we had more disagreements about moving in/not moving in and I had had it so I told him never to bring it up again unless he was 100% certain and actually wanted me to move in, and planned on actually asking me to do it instead of insinuating it and he agreed. Well, he did that, but now he wants me to move in like... when i get back from Boston >...>;;;

I'm in Boston! For free. A student at UB desparately needed a patient for an exam who's mouth and cavities were in a specific location/condition, and about a month ago she found me and asked me if I'd sit for the exam for her, so I agreed. The weird thing is that before I got injured, I was planning to maybe go on a trip to either Montreal or Boston, but then it just didn't pan out financially... since I was injured. And then I got to go anyways. Basically she just needed to do a filling or two in order to fulfill some requirements. The cavity she chose to use in my mouth was larger than she anticipated and a little to close for comfort to my tooth pulp, so it took her nine hours to do the filling with a silver amalgam. It was my last molar on the lower right side, just before the wisdom tooth. My jaw was in so much pain by the time we finished that I couldn't even manage to fit the muffin in my mouth from the free food they provided at the dental school (Tufts) I was so hungry but I couldn't physically manage to make my mouth do it for at least an hour once some advil kicked in.

Back to moving in - After he expressed hesitance so many times in the past about it (even though I never asked and he was always the one to bring it up) and I finally hit the wall and told him not to bring it up anymore, now I am the one who feels hesitant and afraid to do it, ironically. We spend most of the week together anyways and my rabbit and cat are basically in the care of my roommates and that's not cool. I usually only spend 1 - 3 days at home per week, so I'm paying rent at the wrong apartment. What makes me want to leave amherst street is the distance from everything i frequent and my roomies. they are cool don't get me wrong but roommate A is kind of an alcoholic and can't find work and his unemployment is about to run out, and roommate B is really frustrating concerning money and having to track him down for it every month. I'm tired of being in charge of finances in every single living situation I've ever been in. I want someone else to be in charge of money for once. Or to share responsibility with.

The semester is over with and I got 2 As a B and a C. I'm registered for 4 classes already for next semester and I got an internship at the Bilingual Academy as a Teacher's Assistant, but I still havent recieved any details about it. Also starting the June, the Applications have opened for Suny New Paltz's Sevilla study abroad program. I am going to apply, I am going to get in, and I am going to go. Nothing is going to stand in my way of becoming fluent.

On the topic of Spanish, I no longer have a conversation group every tuesday to go to, so I need to find a way to use it more. I thought of starting my own group but I am really intimidated by that idea, because if I lead the group and people show up who are more fluent than I, I will feel a little silly. But someone needs to lead it. I'm also developing my goals on what I want for myself, what I want t do in Buffalo, and where I see myself in the future. It's all the in between work that I have to get through. It seems so endless and so limited at the same time. I realize everyone has their own unique pace in life, but I still feel "behind" but really, that's an illusion; an anxiety. I am afraid that if I really pursue this dream that it will take me away too much, and that scares me because I finally feel like I have a chance at planting true roots and developing a home and maybe a family, so the idea that I might have to compromise that or that it might fall apart because I follow a dream is deeply frightening and saddening to me. Someone who pursues linguistics or a specific language must have to travel a lot. I think my biggest obstacle here is trust and confidence. In the here and now, I don't often have problems with that, but if i get to fixated on the future, the fear really takes over.

I have so my many interests. I will become fluent in Spanish, I want to study linguistics, I want to become fluent in Korean, study there one day, be fluent/learn japanese, maybe mandarin, esperanto, and a lot of others. I want it here, I want to create it here, make some kind of a strong, progressive, thriving language center here because we don't have it, and I want it, and I don't want to settle anywhere else but here. I guess that's my dream. To found or move something like that here and have a living thriving center of linguistics/languages in Buffalo's core.

Oh, hey, back to earth..!

I've incurred a lot of medical expenses. A lot. like, really a lot. It'll be a month and a half before I'm finally caught up enough financially to start paying them off. There's nothing else I can really do about it.

It's possible I can still manage to get a second job for the summer.

I recommend to you try out Clean Bandit of Spotify, or watch the Rather Be music video on youtube... The new Röyksopp and Robyn collaboration EP is also really good.

check'em out:



The clean bandit video is super super cute.

Here are a few things that have occurred in the last few weeks:

+ I broke/fraactured both my right and left radial head (those are in the elbows), as well as my left triquetrum in my wrist. It was from a bike accident, and sucked a lot. I'm finally no longer wearing a splint and slings. It seems like everything is healing pretty quickly.

+ Mickey asked me (by telling me) to move in after he'd asked me to stay here while my arms recovered. I don't plan to move in until my lease is up, and I'm going back to my own apt this sunday night.

+ Had a bazillion and one doctor and vet appts to go to, which all cost a lot of money.

+ I can't work until June 2nd which really sucks because i'm basically down to less than 40$ until then, except for rent that i have set aside. So I plan to ask my father to take me grocery shopping once or twice to float me until then, or pay my rent instead while i use my rent money for groceries etc. I asked my mom for help with groceries but she couldn't. Luckily i am fully stocked to the brim on pet necessities. I really really really hate this aspect of being injured and unable to work. I really really hate asking for help and rides and money and food. I hate feeling like a burden, i hate looking like i can't do it myself, and i hate seeming like a mooch or a leach. I did take an application for temporary assistance, so we'll see how that goes.

+ spent a crap ton of my tax refund before I got injured, some of it on superfluous non-essentials, others on useful, or sensible nonessentials.

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next tuesday, I have an appointment at Evergreen to have my blood work done. I've been taking this pill since november. since then, my count was ~88,000, then it was ~750, then it was ~107... I hope byt this visit, I am undetectable. As of a week or so ago (I'm not sure of the exact date anymore, i've got it somewhere in my files) this marks 6 months of having been hiv+. In my case, I'm extremely lucky - I was diagnosed probably mere weeks or days after it would have been possible to test positive, and immediately began a treatment regimen.

My hope for this next doctor's visit, is that once the results come in for my blood work, I will be undetectable. I don't know how rare or common it is, what with the new medications of have a viral load of 0 in your blood, but it would give me an amazing sense of comfort and achievement if that happened.

Last night I went on a whim after seeing a blog post by Buffablog ( ) about a show that was gonna happen at Hardware Cafe that night.

I didn't know anything about Julie Byrne, or who else was playing but this guy opened up before her and it was an awesome time. He was an unexpected treat, and her performance was haunting. It left me feeling full and romantic. I had a great night. I bought both of their music.

Sadly, I got no photos. I guess I was too into it. Mickey and I decided that the male performer that night would have made an appropriate 3rd for us, but he was super unavailable, so i got over it him really quick after making a few attempts at conversation. It was mostly just a fun thing to entertain than it was an actual decision or attempt, so it didn't matter either way.

I forgot to talk about the food! We both had dinner at hardware before the show. I had the duck brest with fig, and he had the porch chop. Mine was amazingly delicious. I can't recommend it enough. Mickey's was good too, but I only had a bite.

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This semester is coming to a close soon! I'm a little nervous, but I think I'll pull through.

After explaining a few things to my professors, they have been a little more lenient with me and allowing me to turn things in a bit later than other students.

My situation isn't really bad, but every once in a while it all just hits me at once, and the medication I'm on has a known side effect of causing mood swings and amplifying certain emotions like depression or anger and also sex drive. So sometimes it's just a lot for me to handle all at once and I kinda don't go to school for a week and no one knows because I don't really talk about it. Not because I don't think anyone would understand, but because I just feel guilty or ashamed or under too much persona pressure to let it out.

maybe writing here again will be a proper outlet for that.

Last weekend, Mickey and I went cabining with a bunch of friends! They're more his friends than mine, but I definitely felt myself bond a little more, being stuffed in close quarters for 2 days.

On the first night down there, we unpacked the cars, hung around, explored the surrounding areas, and had a big lasagna dinner (it was pre-made by the lovely Sarah and reheated in the oven). I'd been up for 36 hours due to school work, so I went to bed while they stayed up a few more hours.

The following morning, Julie made us all breakfast (eggs, bacon, and danish.) Mickey and I did Yoga behind the cabin, and after a bit, we went out on the hike. The cabin was on the coast of Lake Ontario and Julie found it on airbnb. Once we got to the top of the trail, we saw what are called chimney bluffs. They were gorgeous and it felt like, for a moment, we were on the ocean's coast of a terraformed Mars. I'd never seen mud cliffs until that mment, so it was a treat. At one point, as we stood on one of the various cliff edges we stopped at, a water flow burst from the side of an adjacent cliff and sent a burst of rocks down with it. It wasn't a very large water flow, and because it was brown water, flowing down a brown muddy cliff, it took a moment to figure out what had happened, honestly. We mostly thought our cliff was going to collapse and that we were going to die! ha... But no such thing happened.

Mickey and I veered away from the group for a while when the cliffs edge was low enough to climb down onto the rocky beach. Naturally, I got stuck as my shoe came off in the mud while we descended, until i managed to wriggle myself out, shoe intact. I never dress appropriately for wilderness activities. I guess I'm just a city gal at heart! We reached the end of that trail and all laid together on the beach for a rest until we headed back up to the cabin, half way down a different path until it joined the original one. We wild-harvested some ramps! They were tasty with green beans.

We had grilled burgers, sausage, and venison steak (omg the second best meat experience I've ever had in my life. The marinade was so, so right.) with ramps and green beans for dinner. After that we went out for a bon fire and made s'mores out of Julies homemade(!!!) marshmallows, homemade(!!!) graham crackers, and fancy chocolate. Holy shit, so good, i ate way too many. We told stories, played games, ate tons of marshmallows and chocolate and graham crackers, drank, and laughed a lot. After, we played hide and seek in the cabin. I didn't win because I gave myself up and got tired of waiting to be found. I had a good spot! Sylvestre taught Scott and I how to play a swiss card game after everyone else went to bed until finally we turned in also.

The next day, we woke up, cleaned everything, and headed back to buffalo. I woke up feeling like a million bucks, and had a ton of energy. Normally I'd be exhausted, but I think I finally had a solid time of non-forced interaction with all of his friends; it was just sort of free-flowing and comfortable so i didn't have to expend a lot of energy doing it, but i ended up exhausting myself later. We went to one of his friend's bday party, and then to Julie and Scotts to watch game of thrones and mad men. I had no clue was was happening on mad men. I was not up for quite that much social interaction for the rest of the day, and it didn't help that i unknowingly ate a pot cookie at the party we went to.

I have to start putting my foot down about that sort of thing or just skipping out instead of over extending myself like that. I guess I just feel like I'll miss out? I don't know why I do it, I know how i feel afterwards. I guess I just expect him to be more considerate of how i operate, but maybe that's asking too much, since he's such an extrovert and needs all that social contact, whereas i definitely needed alone time after a weekend cooped up with his friends. Either way, i had a fun, eventful weekend!

Here are some pics! Most of them i didn't take.

I can actually just immediately follow up on my last post.

I finished with having to settle on a place to study.... well, I have!

In may, the application process to study abroad opens at SUNY New Paltz, and I've chosen to go to Seville. I recently had a mid semester interview with one of my Spanish professors, and he really motivated me to go to Spain. My older professor just really didn't know what to tell me and didn't really guid me very well, so it really discouraged me until i had that conversation the other day.

My plans are to go by spring 2015. I'm hoping to work a ton over the summer to put away some money (I wanna get a second job), but i'm really bad at money, so I hope I can exercise some new found restraint.

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Things are going well, mostly. I say that, but in reality, I never know quite how to classify how i'm doing in life... but it's definitely not terrible.

School always seems overwhelming to me. I'm considering asking for a referral to a psychiatrist in order to be tested for ADD. Focus and discipline are my biggest problems I face, and I think if I could just find a way to help myself along, I could be going places and doing things (not so slowly)!

Things are well with Mickey and I right now. At this exact moment, I'm contented, but there's some over-arching issues that will eventually need to be smoothed out. We had a bit of a down time, and I've been writing out things I want to talk about, what I expect, what I feel etc, and I've brought some of it up in conversation, but a lot keep to myself, because I really wonder if I'm just expecting too much, if I need to just cool it. I just feel such an urgency about everything, lately. I'm developing this mind set about where I wanna be and what I wanna do and how I want to feel about my life. I want to feel settled, to create a home, I want to be done with school and pursue my budding dreams, and I don't want to be casually seeing someone a couple times a week while that happens. I can't buy a house yet, or afford much at all, but you don't need a lot to make a place feel like your home, like you have a little burrow or hole or nest with someone that you can grow as a person with. He eventually wants these same things, but doesn't really feel any rush. My opinion is why wait, and his is why rush. His stance is really sensible, but i think sometimes he adheres to imaginary rules for reasons that maybe i don't understand. Living together is an issue for me. Everything about it is a plus to me. I would feel less needy, our expenses would be cut, I wouldn't have to travel across the city all the time between work, school, my place, and mickeys, and thus have more productive days, and I'd be able to be more attentive to my mundane duties and to my animals. How much time have I wasted waiting for busses to go to mickeys... let me actually calculate this.

so the first 5 months, I was spending almost 5 - 6 days a week at his place, going home to feed the animals or to pick up necessities 2 or 3 times during that time. so the initial trip is about a half hour (walking, waiting, riding, walking) and so are the rest, really. so, going there, 2 to 3 trips to and fro during the week, and the last one home until i came back... that's 6 half hour trips if i'm being conservative. 3 hours a week x 4 weeks (12hrs) in a month x 5 months... that's 60 hours traveling, right? that's close to 3 full days. The last 2 months, we limited the time we spent together, so he could focus on the show and I could focus on school so I spent 1 to 1 1/2 hr a week traveling... so if i count every other week and 1 and 1 1/2 hours, that's 20ish hours in 2 months... so I've lost 80 hours of my life, only traveling to mickey's and back home. 3 days and then 8 more hours.

So basically I'm being a brat, and makes me sound dissatisfied, which is ony 5% true.

My sister April, who i used to live with had a baby. her name is ivy. she supah cute.

well that entry was twice as long as i intended to make it.