we went down to Valentine flats. it was amazing. it was my first time to zoar valley.

we got lost at first and went hiking on private propert, but ended up finding our way. i can't believe i've never done this before. I can't wait to go again, and to find some more places.

driving to zoar with James Dean and Tanya. happyrobert.

Some way or another, I happened on old music from my very first ex, mikey. it's so weird... a lot of the time it doesn't affect me much, but it turned a calm introspective evening into a bit of a nostalgia fest.

sometimes we tend to whitewash our memories, but i remember plenty of things that make me unhappy. i wouldn't say i was nostalgic for the relationship, but more the period of time in general. spring time does this to me also... i get so nostalgic and wistful in this weather.

I guess it brings me back to that time where all i could really deal with was living in my imagination, and how good everything was gonna be in the future, how it'd get better. I envisioned every future moment with him. I had a hard time dealing with the reality of the now, but i really tried my hardest to just deal and live with it. I still find it hard to believe at one point i was working 12 - 14 hours a day, 5 days a week, and 5 - 6 hours a day on weekends just to support it all, while he did next to nothing. and we still never had enough money. I dropped out of college and lost contact with most all of my friends because of it all.

I think back on all that music he made, and it amazes me. He was really good. not the best, but he had something.

it's all gone now. almost every trace, except these digital files, and perhaps 1 photo. It's better that way, but at times it makes me a bit sad. It's hard when you invest so much in a person, your first person, and it doesn't work. It changed my perspective forever. I lost something permanently, and i'm talking about more than my virginity. I lost an outlook, a certainty, an innocence. It nearly never comes up, but there's points here and there that i still grapple with that.

Even the apartment we lived in is completely redone and different. my old neighbor told me about it when it happened. I wonder if even our skin cells are still somewhere in that place. Our dog is still around, but she isn't our dog anymore. My friend has her now, and she's doing well. She still remembers me, sweet jubilee. He calls her Ms. Judy.

Thinking about all of it, it feels like a totally different life time. We met days or weeks before i turned 20. I remember lying in bed, simultaneously entertaining the option of relationship with him, and mourning the end of my teens. I was so sad and upset to turn 20. He released an album on my 20th birthday and i thought it was secretly some kind of gift. he said it wasn't.

It really was a strange two years. I learned what most people learn dating around in their teens/middle school/high school over the course of 6 - 4 years, in 2 years. He was such a tortured artist complete with self-destructive tendencies, melancholy, physical/emotional distance, abusive behavior, and mental illness. It was partially what i was asking for. i'd always romanticized emotional torment as a younger person, and wanted someone with those intense feelings... well, i got him, and it was hell. No, i could not fix him. No, he did not want to be fixed. No, my every need was not fulfilled.

for having been told all my life i am wise beyond my years, I made a lot of unwise choices with him.

however, to quote a wonderfully cheesy j-pop song, "The toughness gained from my damage is unbelievable."

I am amazed I still think of all this and feel this nostalgia about it. It really was one of the most changing experiences. The amount i morphed, ignored, supported, let go of, learned, and gained still baffles me. Make no mistakes, i am thoroughly over him, there's no going back. There will never be a going back. I would never want to be with him again or anyone like him, but that time in my life was an incredibly emotionally charged time, and so it is hard to think of it without having something well up.

I know some of you are sigur rós fans... Has anyone else seen this yet? I really really love it.



They've dropped a member, and their sound has changed a bit (they seem to have gotten a bit harder), but it is still unmistakably them. The sounds are more metalic, and the drums have gotten more intense.

here's a better example of the range of difference in their change

so much stuff happened!

monday was just classes, i think? I'm not sure about everything I did. I know i ended up going to lunch by myself at tokyo shanghai bistro. I also saw a good friend, Sandy, who owns inspiration point bookstore. What a breath of fresh air. My socia problems professor said things that offended me as usual. that woman IS a social problem. She's under this impression that she's so forward thinking and that we're just these uneducated dolts who don't know shit about shit, but some of the issues she brings up really cause a stir in me because she will sometimes talk shit about things she has no clue about, or at the best a limited perspective/experience with. hmph!

Tuesday was okay. I had spanish all day mostly. class, then a break in between, and then the convo group. it was so nice, we sat out on the ashker's patio. we got our pictures taken for buffalo spree. i forget what for... what else? hm... I can't remember.

Wednesday, class, and made this yummy wrap from tunafish i've had FOREVER, and spinach, garlic, seasonings, cheddar, green salsa, and sour cream. I hade some delicious berries on the side.

then i ended up going with Rita to see Gloria Steinem speak at UB. It was a great talk, but nothing i was unfamiliar with or also didn't agree with. I was more focused on the ASL interpreters. I have met one of them before, years ago. they were so fascinating to watch. i'd like to retake asl and further my knowledge in it. i really loved it. maybe i could become an interpreter?

After, we went to wegmans to buy groceries to cook dinner together. we ate at her place and had drinks and sat around laughing and talking and discussing intense feelings as we are often apt to do together.

We really are like yin/yang versions of each other at times. She has such an interesting way of approaching things mentally/emotionally, and i think our ways of perceiving things really compliment and enhance each other's state of mind. She brings up things i may not think of and i bring up things she may not think of. I really enjoy discussing with her.

I think with a lot of friends I'm able to have depth-filled and introspective conversations with them, and i really get so much out of it. I feel like i figure out and learn so much just from sharing view points and considering all the sides we both have to offer. It really gives me a sense of fulfillment to share that with someone. Light conversation certainly has it's place and it's uses and as I grow older I am better learning it's importance, whereas previously i hated it (and sometimes still do) but not everyone can just jump straight into the deepend of the pool. they have to test the waters and wade out there as they make sure it's safe and comfortable. And, sometimes, it's the better way to go for me at times. Hm. thoughts... what weird things.

I slept over and thursday, upon waking up, ended up eating left overs for breakfast with blush mimosas. so much nomz....

after, I met emily for lunch at Madonna's, after deciding I wasn't going to campus first, and then deciding not to go to Cafe 59, or Don Tequila's to try it out. I did snag a menu though...

The food was so good. I ordered the smoked mozz sticks to share, and then a eggplant parm sub with pasta salad. I adore eggplant. especially smothered in sauce and cheese. I tried their blackberry lemonade+vodka smoothie... wow. those're dangerous.

I walked her back to work with baby in tow. So apparently she works at NYCLU! I had no idea! wow... there office is super interesting. I feel like you could live in it. then i went to code blu juice bar. I got the Pine-A-Go. Mango, banana, coconute water, and some type of yogurt/cream. it was so refreshing and tasty on this hot spring day. I was just what i needed. I've been there before and loved it just as much. I suggest it.

after, i went to campus wheels to buy some new tires and inner tubes. through this process, i learned how to take off tires, and replace them, how my quick release wheels work, and a few other things.

It's fun to figure these things out on your own. :) Tanya came with me to campus, and helped me get one of my tires back on - it was the presta wheel (i have mismatched wheels) and it was tough to get back on.

I would probably have sex with every single employee there. how are they all so hot?! it's like you have to meet a hotness quota to work there.and they are all such different types. i was so focused on one that i didn't notice that a guy standing next to me in line was literally glued to me the entire time. Tanya pointed it out. It's nice to look, but i am not quite sure i am up for touching yet.

I'm comfortable this way, I guess. Still have some things to think about before I move forward with any of that business, anyways.

What a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic day it was. I enjoyed every bit of it.