so last i ended up cooking a big dinner for friends. Tanya, her boyfriend James Dean, Jens, and Rita all came over. I made a big ol' posta dish with peppers, mushrooms, onions, garlic, and some seasonings in this poblano alfredo. It was so. so. good. i didn't think it would be enough, so i decided to make another dish with TVP, sweet potato, and lentils, which also turned out great. they all brought beer and wine, and Rita brought this awesome feta apple salad. Michael joined us later.

I can't believe i didn't get a single photo of the evening. I had such a great night, and everyone made it a good time.

later, after everyone had left, i cleaned up and went for a really nice wal up and down norwood to either end. then i went down summer for a bit before turning around once it had gotten rainy enough.

the air was the perfect temperature and the right amount of moist and silky. I felt special but without anyone there to make me feel that way and I really liked it. I felt good again. It was one of those moments where you feel like everything is in it's right place and you just don't worry about a thing.

:)

i went to this event with Rita and her friend Lisa from california. it was at singer farm naturals in appleton, ny... saw some people i know, actually :) i made a pinwheel and a wind catcher! i felt 5 years old again - i've always loved a good pinwheel. i also met the sweetest dog. he was my pal, we totally chillaxed and i scratched his ears ^,^! later there were speakers. all threee were very good. the woman with 350.org was from fiji and presented a lot about climate change and the niagara-erie bicounty region (how it will affect) and i was very grabbed by it.

the night before, i came over and we went out on amherst st. it was interesting for sure. we got into this long conversation at an old man... anyone else would have ignored him or asked him to go away, but i deiced to carry on a conversation with him, and it paid off. the amount of entertaining things he had to say was innumerable. his anecdotal stories about te safety of biking vs the dangers of walker were pretty hilarious. i slept at her place after we left rohal's corner (or however you spell it)

after the relay for renewables we ended up hanging out at Olcott Beach, which was more of a town on a beach than it was so much an actual beach. it was really cute. i wanna go back when it's warmer to see the shops and things.

i babysat my nepphew on saturday, i think?

he's such a cute lil' guy. i love seeing him be a tiny human, discovering complex reactions to simple decisions.

he gave me such attitude! he's growing way too fast... i can't wait to meet adult Elliott.

I'm always fascinated the characters you see on busses.

you can't see it well, but as this woman sat in front of me, she abruptly turned to write GOD 4LYF on the window condensation.

it was just a private moment of quiet amusement.

i feel like these last 4 days have been a blur. what even happened?

i worked, and went to school wed - fri... well, except thursday. i have no school.

I've been really making an attempt to get up earlier. I usually wake up around 10 - 12 noon. but i have been setting my alarm for 7... and getting up by 8:30 - 9. it's an improvement, i guess. I decided to make an honest effort when i slept for 15ish hours straight and woke up at 7 something and realized how productive i felt in that early morning sunshine. it really does make a difference, and as much of a morning person that i am not, i felt for the first time in so long that maybe i could turn into one? i mean, i still cannot talk to anyone for the first 30 - 45 minutes, or really function, but it felt good to actually get a series of things done and walk around the city running errands, and then have the rest of my day ahead of me to do yet even more things that i don't even have planned. if i woke up early enough, i could actually have time to do all the things i thought only retired people have time to do. (or people who haven't been sleeping in until 2pm for the majority of their lives)

i know it seems pretty basic, but i have been such a late riser for my entire life, like, sleep until 1 - 3 pm late riser. if you could see the amount of absences and tardies on my high school transcripts i just recently got in the mail, you would most likely judge me. i used to sleep straight through my alarm for hours. I was so unbelievably difficult to wake up my mother literally gave up on me. sometimes i wouldn't even wake up to cold water. i've made significant strides since then. if i set my alarm early enough, then i can get up only sort of late.

at least it's an accomplishment to me... haha!

I finally completed all the steps for applying to UB. the last thing i was putting off was writing them a letter explaining my gap between schooling. I just didn't feel like i could write it until i got this one assigment done, and it just really made no sense at all. i could have done it two weeks ago, really. i'm such a procrastinator. I also finally filled out my application for the UB school of dental medicine (to be a patient) so now all i need is the 50 dollar application fee. can't it be waived??? c'mon.

I helped (e:paul) bust up the bathroom a bit today after stopping over and having some lunchyfood. i'm still getting plaster out of my ears. I'm always amazed at how much stuff (e:terry) and paul get done in a day, especially since they work such long hours. I'm practically spent after a 5 - 6 hour shift. I'm so easy going, but sometimes i think it might be better to have more of a "get it done" attitude about things. I think a tendency towards escapism also does not help. I can find 98734698736 things to do on the internet when an assignment is due.

__

i had been sort of talking to a few different people recently but i'm pretty over it. I was never really invested to begin with, and i just really can't give much of a shit at the moment. I just don't have it in me yet, i guess.

there just seems to be this perpetual pattern of miss-matchedness of wants/needs with myself and other people. they want from me what i don't want from them, or i want from them what they do not want from me, whether it be physical/emotional/mental... it just seems i can never find that meeting point, or if i can, there's some sort of element of impossibility to it. this has been happening, really, since i've been old enough to be with another person physically or romantically. It even happens within my relationships, even though they typically seem to be going perfectly from the outside perspective.

I guess I really can't look at it as a factor of "what's wrong with me?" because that's never really totally it, and self-blame is really only self-destructive. i could chalk it up to "shit happens" but it's difficult to not wonder why this happens.

__

i've been debating about my study abroad. I really want to go to europe but i hate iberian spanish. i really want to go to south america, but it just seems so unstable in a lot of parts. oh, spanish major.

I wanna go somewhere but i'm afraid of student loans. I need to do it for myself. for my own sense of expansion. my own sense of accomplishment.

oh, life. always lifeing.